Albert Herring

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Albert Herring Libretto

SYSTEMACT I

(A tall, strong boy of twenty-two, who helps his mother

run the greengrocer's. No fool, but his mother's

mixture of contemptuous bullying and adoration of him

have made him extremely shy and awkward - especially

when faced with strange people or situations. Emmie,

Cis and Harry Tiresome village children, aged fifteen,

thirteen and twelve)

SYSTEMScene 1

(The morning room at Lady Billows' house in Loxford.

Florence, the housekeeper, is clearing away breakfast

things for one on to a tray. She takes the tray out and

comes back with a feather duster)

off-stage

LADY BILLOWSFlo - rence!...

LADY BILLOWS(The text of her instruction is quite

LADY BILLOWSindistinct except for the last three words.)

LADY BILLOWS...tell the midwife!

shouting in reply

FLORENCEVery good, milady!

LADY BILLOWSShe's not to...!

Florence continues dusting and tidying.

LADY BILLOWSFlo - rence!

No reply

LADY BILLOWSFlo - rence!

Florence hurries back to the hall to listen.

FLORENCEHere, milady!

another indistinct instruction, ending...

LADY BILLOWS...Make him tear it up!

FLORENCEYes, Milady!

LADY BILLOWSDust - bin!

FLORENCEJust on half-past ten.

FLORENCE(She comes back into room, fetches a small household

FLORENCEbook and pencil and notes her latest instructions.)

FLORENCEDoctor Jessop's midwife...

FLORENCEmustn't touch illegitimates

FLORENCEadvert in chemist's window indecent... tear it up!

FLORENCECall at Primrose Cottage...

FLORENCEMust stop William making such rude noises,

FLORENCEor else...

FLORENCEBuy a breakfast cup...

checking back on earlier notes

FLORENCELoad of logs for Number Six, the Mount...

FLORENCEMittens for Mr Pilgrim...

FLORENCEDid they say how many

FLORENCEfrom the almshouse wanted copies

FLORENCEof the Bishop's sermon?

FLORENCE...No more poppies in altar vases...

FLORENCElooks too Roman... Vicar must warn choirboys...

FLORENCEmake responses quicker...

Florence shuts her book in despair

FLORENCEOne lifetime

FLORENCEOne brain

FLORENCEOne pair of hands

FLORENCEAre all too few

FLORENCEFor Lady B.

FLORENCEEach day some

FLORENCENew idea

FLORENCEMakes new demands

FLORENCEUpon her sense

FLORENCEOf charity.

FLORENCEBut oh! But oh!...

FLORENCESometimes I wish...

FLORENCE(As she is about to expand freely, Florence is interrupted

FLORENCEby a knock at the door. She straightens her cap and

FLORENCEapron and goes to open it. Miss Wordsworth, the

FLORENCEHeadmistress; Mr Gedge, the Vicar; Mr Upfold, the

Mayor; and Police Superintendent, Budd, enter)

MISS WORDSWORTHI hope we're not too early,

MISS WORDSWORTHFlorence?

FLORENCEOh no, miss. Her Ladyship's expecting you...

VICARWhy, this looks almost like a deputation, eh?

FLORENCELet me take your hats and sticks.

FLORENCEI'll say you've come.

Florence takes their things and goes out

MAYORIt's just on half-past ten.

MAYORWe're very punctual by that clock.

VICARCome and sit here, Miss Wordsworth.

moving to the window

MISS WORDSWORTHLet me stand

MISS WORDSWORTHtill we're ready to begin.

VICARAs you will.

The clock chimes the half-hour.

checking it by his watch

SUPERINTENDENTTen seconds fast, I make that.

MAYORNo, you're slow!

MAYORExactly right by mine.

Oh I find it so refreshing to escape

MISS WORDSWORTHfrom school

MISS WORDSWORTHon a sunny day like this.

VICARPlaying truant?

shaking his watch

SUPERINTENDENTFunny being slow! Never known it...

MISS WORDSWORTHFree for a perfect hour or two of liberty.

MAYORWonderful weather for April, Mr Gedge!

continuing his ruminations

SUPERINTENDENTWants oiling, I expect.

SUPERINTENDENTDust in the works.

MISS WORDSWORTHLook! That hedge of rosemary

MISS WORDSWORTHis humming with bumblebees!

VICARQuite perfect, Mr Mayor.

VICARPromises a splendid

VICARMay and June.

MAYORThat it does.

SUPERINTENDENT'In like a lion, out like a lamb!'

SUPERINTENDENTThat was true of March this year!

MAYORIt was...

radiant

MISS WORDSWORTH'And lo! the winter is past...

joining in

VICAR'The rain is over and gone.

VICARThe flowers appear on the earth...

explaining

VICARSolomon's Song, you know!

impatiently

MAYORWell, since we're here...

SUPERINTENDENTHer Ladyship was very distressed

SUPERINTENDENTwhen she heard about Curtis's daughter.

VICARThey tell me that's her third!

MISS WORDSWORTHAppalling!

SUPERINTENDENTShe won't confess the father, silly girl!

MAYORIt's happening far too often!

MISS WORDSWORTHLily Jarvis is another problem...

SUPERINTENDENTTwins, if you please!

VICARDrunken father, mother a slattern, these things

VICARbreed immorality in the young.

MISS WORDSWORTHTheir poor children...

indignantly

MAYORSomething must be done!

SUPERINTENDENTHear, hear!

VICARA firm stand now

VICARbefore the evil spreads!

MISS WORDSWORTHHer Ladyship is all for that!

SUPERINTENDENTThough she exaggerates occasionally...

MAYORStrong measures are essential now!

SUPERINTENDENTOf course they are!

SUPERINTENDENTMost essential!

SUPERINTENDENTHear, hear!

VICARThis Festival idea may help...

SUPERINTENDENTI'm all for that.

SUPERINTENDENTI have great hopes.

SUPERINTENDENTCertainly!

SUPERINTENDENTPractical measures! Hear, hear!

comes in hurriedly

FLORENCEHush!

FLORENCEShe's here!

MAYORCareful now!

MISS WORDSWORTHOh! Her Ladyship!

SUPERINTENDENTHere she comes...

VICARAh, Lady Billows!

VICAR(Lady Billows appears at the top of the stairs and

VICARwalks heavily and deliberately down. She crosses

VICARunexpectedly to the window and pushes it open. As

she turns to greet her visitors, her eye flickers

VICARaccusingly across the Mayor and Superintendent.)

LADY BILLOWSStuffy!

LADY BILLOWSTobacco stink!

LADY BILLOWSNasty masculine smell!

shaking hands

LADY BILLOWSGood morning.

ALLGood morning, my Lady!

Ensemble

SUPERINTENDENTThis is the tenth of April

SUPERINTENDENTThe day your Ladyship planned

SUPERINTENDENTFor our second and final meeting,

SUPERINTENDENTWe're here to see how we stand;

SUPERINTENDENTFor the Queen of the May

SUPERINTENDENTMust be appointed by us today.

LADY BILLOWSAll very punctual! Glad to see it.

LADY BILLOWSEarly worms!

LADY BILLOWS(Lady Billows crosses with heavy deliberation

LADY BILLOWSto the table and seats herself.)

Ensemble

SUPERINTENDENTWe've made our own investigations

SUPERINTENDENTAnd bring you our nominees

SUPERINTENDENTAnd we're ready whenever you please.

SUPERINTENDENT(They seat themselves at the table

SUPERINTENDENTaround Lady Billows)

LADY BILLOWSNow then! Notebook, Florence!

LADY BILLOWSAll know why we're here.

LADY BILLOWSOnly one item on today's agenda

LADY BILLOWSto choose a Queen of the May.

LADY BILLOWSMay Queen! May Queen!

LADY BILLOWSThere's a lot of simple wisdom

LADY BILLOWSin these old traditions

LADY BILLOWSLike Hallowe'en, Harvest Home,

LADY BILLOWSChasing the Old Year out of the town

LADY BILLOWSAnd so on.

LADY BILLOWSCompetition to be May Queen,

LADY BILLOWSWhen I was a girl,

LADY BILLOWSwas amazingly keen!

LADY BILLOWSAmong the village girls, I mean.

LADY BILLOWSAll dressed in white

LADY BILLOWSMet on the Green

LADY BILLOWSAt noon on May the first to parade

LADY BILLOWSBefore the Squire.

LADY BILLOWSSquire picked the winner

LADY BILLOWSAnd sat beside her during dinner.

LADY BILLOWSOh! you're too young to remember

LADY BILLOWSHow these things were done!

LADY BILLOWSI'm putting up a prize this year.

LADY BILLOWSTwenty-five sovereigns -

LADY BILLOWStwenty-five! Consider it my duty.

LADY BILLOWSMust make virtue attractive, exciting,

LADY BILLOWSdesirable for young people.

LADY BILLOWSToo many goings on!

LADY BILLOWSDirty things, ugh!

Our birth-rate rises every week:

Poor Doctor Jessop is run off his feet,

LADY BILLOWSDelivering new babies to

LADY BILLOWSMothers of whom excessively few

LADY BILLOWSHave taken the trouble of visiting you, Vicar!

LADY BILLOWSShocking business! No! I won't have it!

LADY BILLOWSTown's in a state of complete moral chaos.

LADY BILLOWSWell, then, all in favour signify,

LADY BILLOWSusual manner...

All raise their hands. The clock strikes the three quarters.

LADY BILLOWSUnanimous! Good...

LADY BILLOWSLet's have the suggestions.

LADY BILLOWSI'm waiting! First?...

rising

VICARThe first suggestion on my list

VICARIs a charming local girl

VICARWho takes Communion and never missed

VICARA Sunday, Jennifer Searl.

consulting her notebook

FLORENCE...had an affair

FLORENCEwith young Tom O'Dare,

FLORENCElast Christmas...

LADY BILLOWSCase dismissed!

MISS WORDSWORTHOf all the pupils from the school

MISS WORDSWORTHIt gives me particular pleasure

MISS WORDSWORTHTo recommend Elizabeth Newell

MISS WORDSWORTHWhose Botany notes are a treasure.

FLORENCE...was seen in the woods

FLORENCEafter dusk with Tom Hood

FLORENCElast Tuesday...

LADY BILLOWSCross her name off! No good!

stands

MAYORThere's Winifred Brown

MAYORwho works in the town

MAYORAs assistant to Mrs Bell.

MAYORI've asked about her, and people concur

MAYORShe behaves on the average quite well.

FLORENCEExcept she went

FLORENCEWith her cousin from Kent

FLORENCEFor a trip in a dog-cart one Sunday in Lent!

clearing his throat

SUPERINTENDENTEr-humph! Er-humph!

LADY BILLOWSSpeak up, Budd!

SUPERINTENDENTI've little to say, my Lady,

SUPERINTENDENTSo I'll make it short and sweet.

SUPERINTENDENTThe girl in my mind is a treasure, you'll find.

SUPERINTENDENTHer name is Amelia Keats.

FLORENCEExposes her ankles

FLORENCEAnd legs bold as brass.

FLORENCEHer skirt's far too short

FLORENCEFor a girl of her class.

FLORENCENone of these four

FLORENCESeems to me more

FLORENCEThan half up to scratch

FLORENCEAs a Queen of the May.

irritably

LADY BILLOWSWon't accept one of them!

LADY BILLOWSCross them all out!

LADY BILLOWSCan't waste time

LADY BILLOWSbuttering parsnips!

LADY BILLOWSWant virgins, not trollops...

LADY BILLOWSMore names?

LADY BILLOWS(All are rather flustered by the failure of their

LADY BILLOWSfirst suggestions. They hasten to make others.)

rising quickly

VICARI have another name or two

VICARI brought with me in case

VICARThe first was not acceptable.

VICARWhat about Edith Chase?

to Florence

LADY BILLOWSWell, what about her?

FLORENCEMuch too flighty...

VICARShe attends my Bible group...

FLORENCEWhen the postman called

FLORENCEOne day, she opened the door in her nightie!

MISS WORDSWORTHHas anyone thought of the shoemaker's twins,

MISS WORDSWORTHJoyce Mary and her sister?

MISS WORDSWORTHMost practical girls at handicrafts...

grimly

FLORENCEI've heard of things from Mr Budd

FLORENCEabout them both...

LADY BILLOWSBoth of them?

SUPERINTENDENTTake my Bible oath!...

FLORENCEHe can't repeat what he caught them at...

FLORENCEYou'll pardon him, milady...

VICARThere's that girl

VICARwho works at Piper's farm...

FLORENCEWas lost one night

FLORENCEand then found in a barn!

MISS WORDSWORTHOh, surely there must be one to choose!

MAYORThe girl from the dairy?

FLORENCEShe won't refuse.

FLORENCEThough not ideal by a long, long chalk.

to Mayor

LADY BILLOWSThen don't suggest her!

SUPERINTENDENTPeople talk of Nancy Waters,

SUPERINTENDENTbut I'm not sure...

FLORENCEThe baker's daughter?

FLORENCENo! Couldn't have her for Queen of the May!

MAYORShe runs after Sid, who's my assistant,

MAYORAnd him after her:

MAYORboth very persistent.

VICARMy mind has scoured the Parish through:

VICAROur lists are finished.

MISS WORDSWORTHWhat can we do?

MISS WORDSWORTHNot even one girl whom we can trust?

MISS WORDSWORTHNot even one in all the town?

SUPERINTENDENTI reckon that's true...

MAYORIt is!

VICARAnd must we cast our hopeful glances down?

SUPERINTENDENTUnhappy? Sad? Defeated?...

SUPERINTENDENTBefore our project is completed?

FLORENCEYou've none of you succeeded!

All sit silent and glum

FLORENCEQuartet

VICAROh, bitter, bitter is the fruit

VICARSprung from the seed of sin:

VICARIt feeds on poison at the root

VICARAnd cankers all within.

MISS WORDSWORTHI teach my pupils they must strive

MISS WORDSWORTHFor moral grace and truth

MISS WORDSWORTHBut they care little for advice

MISS WORDSWORTHIn headstrong days of youth.

MAYORHow sad to see a decent town

MAYORLose its good name and sin

MAYORSlowly, slowly, slowly down

MAYORAnd hover on the brink!

SUPERINTENDENTPolicemen have a ticklish task

SUPERINTENDENTIn stamping out abuses.

SUPERINTENDENTFor human flesh is only grass

SUPERINTENDENTAnd darkness has its uses.

SUPERINTENDENT(A dismal silence. Florence stands rigid and

SUPERINTENDENTtightlipped. Lady Billows begins to simmer

and suddenly rises in anger)

SUPERINTENDENTAria

furious

LADY BILLOWSIs this all you can bring?

LADY BILLOWSEach single name

LADY BILLOWSReeking impurities,

LADY BILLOWSExuding moral blame?

LADY BILLOWSIs there no more than this to offer?

LADY BILLOWSNot one thing but stinks

LADY BILLOWSof sensual shame?

echoing her mistress

FLORENCE...but stinks of sensual shame?

LADY BILLOWSAre Loxford girls all whores?

LADY BILLOWSNone clean, none sure?

LADY BILLOWSLascivious nanny-goats

LADY BILLOWSEach one, each one impure?

LADY BILLOWSI'll curb their passions;

LADY BILLOWSshow them with a whip that laws

LADY BILLOWSof morals must endure!

echoing

FLORENCE...that morals must endure!

more quietly

LADY BILLOWSIs this the town where I have lived and toiled?

LADY BILLOWSA Sodom and Gomorrah,

LADY BILLOWSripe to be despoiled?

LADY BILLOWSO spawning-ground of horror!

LADY BILLOWSShame to Loxford:

LADY BILLOWSSty the female sex has soiled!

echoing

FLORENCE...Sty the female sex has soiled!

FLORENCELADY BILLOWS and FLORENCE

FLORENCE...Sty the female sex has soiled!

FLORENCE(The clock whirrs and strikes eleven. Lady Billows

FLORENCEsits, exhausted by her own vehemence, among the

FLORENCEunhappy committee. The Superintendent has a

FLORENCEsudden brainwave.)

hesitant

SUPERINTENDENTBegging your pardon

SUPERINTENDENTI'd like to say

SUPERINTENDENTHas anyone heard

SUPERINTENDENTOf a King of the May?

FLORENCEKing of the May?

LADY BILLOWSFantastic!

MISS WORDSWORTHI never did...

VICARNot in East Suffolk...

MAYORI suppose you'd crown Sid?

SUPERINTENDENTMaybe it seems a

Rum sort of notion

SUPERINTENDENTBut it might help us out

SUPERINTENDENTOf the present commotion...

LADY BILLOWS'Rum' it may be; 'helpful' no.

LADY BILLOWSMere red herring,

LADY BILLOWSBudd!

SUPERINTENDENTJust so!

SUPERINTENDENTHerring's the name

SUPERINTENDENTand Herring's the lad!

SUPERINTENDENTFellow we're wanting is there to be had.

SUPERINTENDENTAlbert Herring!...

amazed at this suggestion.

ALLAlbert Herring?...

hurriedly

SUPERINTENDENT... Works for his mother...

SUPERINTENDENTHas a greengrocer's shop...

SUPERINTENDENTStrong as a horse...

SUPERINTENDENTWorks 'til he drops...

SUPERINTENDENTBit simple, of course...

SUPERINTENDENTbut we won't find another.

with confidence

SUPERINTENDENTAlbert Herring's clean as

SUPERINTENDENTnew-mown hay;

SUPERINTENDENTHonest, truthful, keen as

SUPERINTENDENTColman's mustard, as they say!

SUPERINTENDENTNever kicks up rough as

SUPERINTENDENTmost boys do

SUPERINTENDENTAlbert's real good stuff,

SUPERINTENDENTas good as gold, right

SUPERINTENDENTthrough and through!

hesitant

VICARI know the boy you mean,

VICARbut is he quite?...

MAYORI've seen him since he was a kid.

MAYORHe's always lived next door to me...

MISS WORDSWORTHWhen he attended school poor Albert

MISS WORDSWORTHwas not bright at lessons,

MISS WORDSWORTHthough quite exceptional for conduct.

VICARAn inoffensive lad, simple,

VICARof course...

MAYORA splendid son to Mrs Herring...

scornfully

LADY BILLOWSWhat precisely has a grocer's lad

LADY BILLOWSto do with this discussion?

LADY BILLOWSRidiculous proposal!

LADY BILLOWSI'm certain there are girls

LADY BILLOWSfarmer's daughters, maybe...

LADY BILLOWSsuitable for us. Florence?...

FLORENCEHopeless, milady.

FLORENCEI've been round all the farms and smallholdings.

FLORENCEShocking results!

FLORENCECountry virgins, if there be such,

FLORENCEThink too little and see too much.

FLORENCE(It looks as if Lady Billows will erupt again.

FLORENCEBut the moment passes.)

LADY BILLOWSI am a very disappointed woman...

LADY BILLOWSEither we abandon the Festival, or...

doggedly

SUPERINTENDENTAlbert Herring!

with distaste

LADY BILLOWSAlbert Herring!

LADY BILLOWSVicar?...

VICARVirtue, says Holy Writ,

VICARIs... Virtue.

VICARGrace abounding

VICARWhensoever, wheresoever,

VICARHowsoever it exists.

VICARRarer than pearls...

VICARrubies… amethyst,

VICARRicher than wealth...

VICARwisdom... righteousness!

VICARIs Albert virtuous?

VICARYes? Or no?

VICARThat is all we need to know.

SUPERINTENDENTWhat, Albert virtuous?

SUPERINTENDENTThat I know.

SUPERINTENDENTCertainly he

SUPERINTENDENTMust be so.

MAYORHe's very virtuous.

MAYORDon't you know everybody thinks him so?

MISS WORDSWORTHAlbert is virtuous.

MISS WORDSWORTHYes, I know

MISS WORDSWORTHHe is truly

MISS WORDSWORTHTruly so!

FLORENCEThey say he's virtuous,

FLORENCEAs boys go:

FLORENCEEverybody tells me so.

(After this outburst they all look at Lady Billows,

FLORENCEwho appears to be asleep in her chair.)

LADY BILLOWSAlbert... What's his name?

gently

scarcely audible

suddenly

HERRINGRight!

HERRINGWe'll have him!

HERRINGMay King! That'll teach the girls a lesson!

all rise

LADY BILLOWSMay King! May King!

LADY BILLOWSRemarkable position.

LADY BILLOWSCause a great sensation

LADY BILLOWSOn the First of May.

FLORENCELet's go and tell him

FLORENCEAnnouncing our decision;

FLORENCEWarn him to be ready

FLORENCEOn the First of May.

VICARMost satisfactory!

VICARMagnificent solution

VICARFor the Coronation

VICAROn the First of May.

MISS WORDSWORTHSo encouraging

MISS WORDSWORTHFor all our dear young people!

MISS WORDSWORTH'Virtue is rewarded

MISS WORDSWORTHOn the First of May.'

MAYORUrban District Councillors

MAYORAll over Eastern Suffolk

MAYOREnvy little Loxford

MAYOROn the First of May.

SUPERINTENDENTEr-humph, er-humph

SUPERINTENDENTAll the police force

SUPERINTENDENTWill have to be on duty,

SUPERINTENDENTKeeping things in order,

SUPERINTENDENTOn the First of May.

SUPERINTENDENTOde

ALLRejoice, my friends,

ALLand be exceeding glad!

ALLVirtue has signalled forth

ALLHer champion and defender!

ALLA village lad, a village lad,

ALLHumble in looks, of lowly birth,

ALLBeneath whose apron beats a heart

ALLTo conquer Sin, repel Temptation, render

ALLBack to Virtue what she entrusts to him,

ALLwithout respect of gender,

ALLHer crown of simple and refulgent splendour!

ALLInterlude

SYSTEMScene 2

ALL(Mrs Herring's greengrocery in Little Street. There

ALLis a large sash-window at the back, filled with fruit,

ALLvegetables and advertisement cards; through this can

ALLbe seen the village street. Fruit boxes, baskets, sacks,

ALLprice-tickets, etc., are plentifully scattered around the

shop. When the curtain rises, the shop is empty. Three

ALLchildren, Emmie, Harry and Cis, are outside the shop,

ALLsinging as they play ball against the lower half of the

ALLdoor. The upper half of the door is open.)

ALLSong

HARRYBounce me high

HARRYBounce me low

HARRYBounce me up to Jericho!

HARRYBounce me slow

HARRYBounce me quick

HARRYBounce me to arithmetick!

claps

HARRY(The ball misses and comes flying in through the top of

HARRYthe door. The song stops. Three heads peer cautiously

HARRYin, looking around.)

EMMIEGo on, Harry!... the old girl's out!

CISShe's out!...

EMMIEWe'll help you up. Hold tight!

The girls help Harry to climb through the door.

EMMIEWatch the bell don't ring...

HARRYMind my trousers! Ow!...

CISAll right?

Harry looks round the shop.

whispers

EMMIEThere it is, by that old box!

finds the ball and throws it to the girls

HARRYCatch!

He catches sight of a box of apples and takes one.

CISGive us some too, Harry... Taa!

He passes some out to the girls.

dramatic whisper

EMMIELook out! S'pose Albert came?...

HARRYSilly old fool! Can't catch me!

EMMIEOoh! What lovely apples!

CISLovely apples! Some more?

HARRYHere's some more!

HARRY(Sid arrives, scattering the girls as he comes through

HARRYthe door. He sees Harry and tries to catch him.)

SIDCome out of that, my lad!

CISLook out! It's Sid!

catches Harry, holds him tight and starts emptying his pockets

SIDI'll teach you to pinch apples!

CISBig bully, you!

SIDLittle beggar!

HARRYOw! Leggo!

SIDDamn good hiding's what you need!

CISNosey-parker, too!

EMMIELeave 'im be!

HARRYLeggo of me!

SIDEmpty your pockets!

SIDIs that the lot?

SIDWell then, get out!...

He throws Harry out of the door.

HARRYOw!

CISWe'll tell 'is Dad

CISSid from the butcher's knocked 'Arry about!

(The children run away. Sid dusts himself off, picks up

CISthe scattered apples and puts them in his own pocket.

Then goes to the inner door and shouts:)

SIDShop! Hi! Albert!

SID(Sid comes back into the shop, chooses a good red

apple and takes a bite. There is a dull thud against

SIDthe inner door and Albert comes slowly in backwards

SIDcarrying a large sack of vegetables.)

SIDThere you are!

SIDJust caught young Harry pinching things.

SIDHow d'you carry a weight like that alone? Cor...

SIDMust be twenty stone or more!

ALBERTIt's a hundredweight of turnips.

SYSTEMI see! Strong man act!

SIDCan I have three boxes of mixed herbs,

SIDplease, chum?

ALBERTYes.

SIDGot any sage?

going behind the counter to serve Sid

ALBERTWe've some at threepence a box,

ALBERTsame as the mixed.

SIDI'll take three then. That makes six Boxes

SIDat threepence... one and a kick.

ALBERTThat's right.

SIDToss you... double or quits!

ALBERTOh no, Sid, gambling's not in my line.

ALBERTMum wouldn't like it...

SIDNever you mind!

SIDHeads or tails? Come on, you call!

ALBERTNo, really I won't, thanks all the same.

SIDBut why? Because of Mum?

SIDWon't she let you have any fun?

SIDDid you ever have a pint at the local?

ALBERTMum's teetotal...

SIDOr go out with a whippet after rabbits?

ALBERTStrict in her habits...

SIDDid you never try taking a girl for a walk?

ALBERTDo stop this talk!

SIDOr dance to the band at the Jubilee Hall?

ALBERT...I don't like it at all!

SIDYou will, once you've broke

SIDthe apron-strings.

SIDSong

SIDTickling a trout,

SIDPoaching a hare,

SIDFlighting wild geese

SIDIs pretty good sport

SIDFor a chap to enjoy.

SIDLiving without A regular share

SIDOf pleasures like these

SIDIs hard to support

SIDFor your kind of a boy.

SIDBut courting a girl

SIDis the King of all sports

SIDIn a class of its own,

SIDWhere there aren't any rules so long as

SIDshe's caught and you catch her alone.

SIDGirls mean:

SIDSpring six days a week

SIDAnd twice on Sundays,

SIDThe whole year round

SIDThe winter through.

SIDGirls mean:

Games of hide-and-seek

SIDOn summer evenings,

SIDWhen someone's bound

SIDTo fall for you!

SIDGirls mean:

SIDProwling round in bleak

SIDAnd wintry weather

Whispering, whispering, whispering

SID'I love you!'

SID(During this, Albert tries to avoid noticing

SIDSid's remarks by going about his work.)

ALBERTSid, I'm sorry but I've got a lot to do...

SIDOh, don't you worry!

SIDI'm just off.

SIDI'm busy too.

SID(Nancy looks in through the top door twenty six,

SIDpretty, big smile.)

NANCYGood morning, you two!

(opens the bottom door for Nancy to enter. She

SIDcarries a shopping basket.)

SIDWhy, look who's here!

SIDGood morning, good morning, good morning!

shyly

ALBERTGood morning.

SIDYou've just come in time,

SIDWe were talking of you.

NANCYTalking of me?...

NANCYYou have got a sauce!

SIDIt was Albert who started the subject, of course.

SIDYou want to watch Albert...

SIDhe's a very dark horse!

NANCYYou ought to have something better to do

NANCYThan gossiping here. Aren't you working today?

SIDI've been spinning around like a humming top

SIDSince I opened the shop at eight o'clock...

SIDAnd you know what they say

SIDAbout work and no play!

NANCYWell, come and serve me. I'm in a hurry...

NANCYI've come for a piece

NANCYof best English beef.

picks up a box of peaches

SIDThere's no need to worry!

SIDHave a nice peach?

taking one

NANCYOh! May I really?

ALBERTThose are sixpence each!

SIDTake two... I'll stand the damage.

ALBERTTwo peaches at sixpence...

ALBERTthat's a shilling, please.

SIDI think I can just about manage to squeeze out a bob

SIDfrom the firm's petty cash.

NANCYI won't eat them now.

NANCYThey're so ripe they might splash.

SIDYou can bring them tonight

And we'll each take a bite,

To flavour our kisses

SIDWith a dash of peach bitters.

NANCYThat sounds just delicious!

NANCYDuet

SIDMeet me at quarter past eight

SIDIn the street, don't be late

SIDOr I'll whistle

SIDUnder your window.

NANCYYes! If you promise to wait

NANCYIn the street, if I'm late

NANCYAnd not whistle under my window.

NANCYFor Mum will be curious and Dad will be furious

NANCYTo hear whistling under our window!

NANCYTrio

SIDDo try to be there

SIDIf you possibly can

SIDFor the night will be fine and clear.

NANCYI'll try to be there if I possibly can

NANCYFor the night will be fine and clear.

to himself, uneasily

ALBERTI wish they would clear

ALBERTRight away from our shop

ALBERTFor it's hard not to overhear!

ALBERTThere'll be trouble, I fear,

ALBERTShould my Mother appear

ALBERTAnd discover them flirting here!

(Albert retreats behind the counter, leaving Sid

ALBERTand Nancy alone.)

NANCYWe'll walk to the spinney

NANCYUp over the Common

NANCYArm in arm,

NANCYYour (my) hand in my (your) pocket,

NANCYRefreshing ourselves in the pleasures of love!

NANCYThe moon will be shining

NANCYThe sky will be starry

NANCYAs we walk,

NANCYYour (my) hand in my (your) pocket,

NANCYRefreshing ourselves in the pleasures of love!

NANCYAnd if it is raining

NANCYWe'll share an umbrella

NANCYAs we walk,

NANCYYour (my) hand in my (your) pocket,

NANCYRefreshing ourselves in the pleasures of love!

ALBERTAnd I shall be sleeping

ALBERTAlone in my attic

ALBERTAs they walk,

ALBERTHer hand in his pocket,

ALBERTRefreshing themselves in the pleasures of love!

ALBERT(Nancy and Sid are absorbed in each other. Albert

ALBERTtries to interrupt them.)

ALBERTExcuse me...

taking no notice

SIDGive us a kiss, Nancy!

breaking away from him

NANCYNo, no! Shopping first...

NANCYkisses afterwards!

impatient

SIDCome on, then! So long, Albert!

NANCYGoodbye, Albert!

NANCY(Sid and Nancy go off gaily together. Albert dashes

NANCYout of the shop after them.)

ALBERTHi! Sid!... You forgot to pay for the herbs!

No answer. Albert comes back into the shop.

ALBERTHe's much too busy

ALBERTEven to listen

ALBERTMuch less to care

ALBERTWith Nancy there.

ALBERTI wonder is he

ALBERTRight when he says

ALBERTI miss all the fun

ALBERTBecause of Mum?

ALBERTYes, Mum's uncommon keen

ALBERTAbout the need

ALBERTOf living chaste and clean

ALBERTIn word and deed.

ALBERTFor what?

ALBERTEach morning I get up at six

ALBERTAnd tidy up the stock,

ALBERTEnthusiastically fix

ALBERTPrice labels round the shop.

ALBERTFor what?

ALBERTIt's not very thrilling to live

ALBERTamong boxes and baskets

ALBERTOf vegetables, flowers

ALBERTand seasonal fruits:

ALBERTI'm expert at jobs like weighing up

ALBERTpunnets of raspberries

ALBERTAnd knowing when root-crops

ALBERTare likely to shoot.

ALBERTFor what?

meditatively

ALBERTIt seems as clear as clear

ALBERTCan be, that Sid's ideas

ALBERTAre very much too crude

ALBERTFor Mother to approve.

ALBERTAnd yet I'd really like

ALBERTTo try that kind of life,

ALBERTAnd see how it compares

ALBERTWith serving customers.

Emmie rushes in, breathless and in a great hurry.

EMMIEMum wants two penn'orth of potherbs to make

EMMIEa stew in a hurry, Mister!

ALBERTWhere's your basket?

EMMIEHaven't got one, bust it! My sister went and lost it!

ALBERTI'll put 'em in paper.

EMMIETaa, that'll be safer than taking them loose.

ALBERTNo school today?

EMMIEGot extra 'olidays.

ALBERTWhatever for?

confidentially

EMMIEOn account of Miss Weaver

EMMIEOur Botany teacher

EMMIEWent camping at Easter,

EMMIEGot scarlet fever.

EMMIEShe was sharing our tent

EMMIEWhen she came out all spotty

EMMIESo they sent us all home

EMMIEWith a letter explaining

EMMIEThey wouldn't expect us

EMMIEAt school for a week

EMMIEIn case we're infectious.

EMMIEIt sounds a bit potty,

EMMIEBut we're not complaining!

handing her the parcel

ALBERTTuppence, please! Here you are.

EMMIEDon't mind farthings, do you?

EMMIEThanks, Mister! Taa!

She dashes off again.

ALBERTOh, maybe soon I'll

ALBERTHave the chance to get away.

ALBERTAnd golly! It's about time…

He is again interrupted by the arrival of Florence.

FLORENCEGood morning, young man.

ALBERTGood morning, Miss Pike.

FLORENCEI want if I can

FLORENCETo talk to your Mum.

ALBERTI'll call her at once

ALBERTBut she's washing the clothes.

FLORENCEThe reason I've come

FLORENCEIs more urgent than those!

Albert calls through the inner door.

ALBERTMum! You're wanted!

MUMWhat? Who is it?

ALBERTMiss Florence Pike is here on a visit!

making conversation

ALBERTJust drying her hands...

ALBERTWould you care to sit down?

FLORENCENo thank you, I'll stand.

FLORENCEI mustn't stay long.

Mum bustles in, drying her arms on her apron.

MUMI'm sorry to keep you

MUMAnd how do you do?

MUMNice sunny day

MUMFor the time of year, too!

formal and important

FLORENCEHer Ladyship is on her way

FLORENCEWith Miss Wordsworth and the Vicar,

FLORENCEMessrs. Budd and Upfold, too

FLORENCETo visit you here...

MUMWhat did you say?

MUMVisiting us?

MUMBut they can't come in here!

MUMA shop's not the place for people like them!

FLORENCEWe shall get on much quicker

FLORENCEIf you will be silent and listen to me...

MUMAnd I can't have them into the parlour today!

MUMI'm airing the washing, airing it there...

FLORENCEThe decision

FLORENCEThey bring concerns Albert, as they

FLORENCEWill explain for themselves.

MUMConcerns Albert?

ALBERTConcerns me, do you say?

MUMOh! Don't say that Albert's

MUMin trouble some way?

FLORENCEBe quiet now!

FLORENCEAre you ready? Here they come!

(Lady Billows crosses the window and enters

FLORENCEaccompanied by the Vicar, Mayor, Superintendent

FLORENCEand Miss Wordsworth They take up formal positions

FLORENCEinside the shop to announce their news.)

enthusiastically

LADY BILLOWSWe bring great news to you

LADY BILLOWSUpon this happy day!

LADY BILLOWSPatronage and fame

LADY BILLOWSApplaud your name!

ALLDeclaring you Loxford King of the May!

MUMThey're talking to you, Albert.

ALBERTI don't quite get their meaning...

FLORENCEYou've been chosen as May King.

ALBERTChosen as what?

FLORENCEAs May King!

ALBERTWhat, me?

FLORENCEYes, you!

MUMOh, Albert! Oh, Albert!

FLORENCEHush!

LADY BILLOWSWe plan to celebrate by crowning you upon

LADY BILLOWSMay Day afternoon: That's fairly soon.

ALLNot long to wait!

ALLJust till April's gone!

MUMExcuse my asking...

MUMwhat's this crowning for?

ALBERTI'd like to know that too!

VICARIn honour of your pure, virtuous life.

MISS WORDSWORTHReward for chastity!

MAYOROfficial recognition of your modesty!

ALBERTWell, I'll be blowed!

SUPERINTENDENTWhat costume will he wear?

FLORENCEWhite like a swan!

VICARA royal crown!

MUMAnd where will that come from?

ALBERTMe dressed in white? Oh no!

LADY BILLOWSWe'll see to that all right.

FLORENCEBring me his size in shoes

and hats tonight to give the tailor.

MUMSeems ridiculous to me!

ALBERTThe whole thing's daft!

LADY BILLOWSNow, Herring, don't be hasty!

VICARBut before we part

VICARShould we not mention?...

ALLBut of course! The prize!

LADY BILLOWSWhen this great day arrives,

LADY BILLOWSAlbert will receive, besides his crown,

LADY BILLOWSA prize in golden coins,

LADY BILLOWSFive and twenty pounds,

LADY BILLOWSYes, five and twenty pounds!

MUMTwenty-five pounds all of his own!

MUMAlbert, say "Thank you!

MUM...as well as a crown?

LADY BILLOWSIn offering this prize,

LADY BILLOWSOur aim is to ensure

LADY BILLOWSVirtue has its just

LADY BILLOWSReward from us!

ALLAnd so goodbye, Albert!

ALLNo...au revoir!

(The Committee leaves the shop, escorted to

ALLthe door by Mum.)

MUMGood morning to you all!

turns back into the shop

MUMWell, think of that, my lad,

MUMBeing King of the May an' all

MUMAnd the envy of everyone,

MUMKing of the May! King of the May!

MUMAnd twenty-five quid in addition!

ALBERTBut I don't want that kind of position

ALBERTAnd I don't think I'm going to accept.

MUMYou won't accept? Why ever not?

MUMYou can't refuse!

ALBERTOh yes, I can!

MUMNot while you live with me, young man!

MUMYou'll do as you're told!

ALBERTNow listen, Mum!

MUMDon't 'listen' me!

ALBERTWhy should they come

ALBERTAnd dress me up like a blinking swan,

ALBERTMake speeches at me

ALBERTlike I was stuffed

ALBERTInstead of flesh and blood?

Stop shouting at me and fetch my tape

MUMFrom the box on the kitchen safe.

MUMI'll measure you up!

ALBERTOh no, you won't!

MUMYou heard what I said!

ALBERTI did, and don't

ALBERTYou think I'm willing, 'cos I'm not.

drives Albert across the shop. He dodges her.

MUMI'll take a strap to you, that's what!

ALBERTYou try it then!

MUMYoung devil!

ALBERTI'm old enough

ALBERTTo choose for myself!

MUMI brought you up!

ALBERTYou shut me up in the shop all day!

MUMOh!

MUMThe wicked ingratitude of it!

MUMYou'll pay for this, my boy.

ALBERTI'm sick and tired of being ordered about!

MUM(taking hold of Albert and pushing him

MUMacross to the inner door)

MUMYou little liar! You little liar!

MUMI won't stand here and be attacked

MUMBy a kid who wants his bottom smacked!

MUMGo up to bed. Shut the door

MUMAnd don't you dare to come down before

MUMYou're ready to say sorry. Go on!

MUMYou devil!

MUMI'll teach you!

MUM(During the quarrel, the three children have collected

MUMoutside the shop window, watching with fascination.

MUMAs Mum shoves Albert through the door, they begin

MUMchanting a rude variant of their playsong.)

CHILDRENAlbert's Mum took a stick,

CHILDRENWhacked him on the thingmijig!

CHILDRENAlbert hopped

CHILDRENRound the shop,

CHILDRENSqueaking like a tillypig!

(Turns her back and slams the door in their faces.

They run off laughing wildy and Mum follows Albert

MUMupstairs.)

MUMTwenty-five quid!

MUMBloody little fool!