The logical vegetarian

You will find me drinking rum,

Like a sailor in a slum,

You will find me drinking beer like a Bavarian.

You will find me drinking gin

In the lowest kind of inn,

Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.

So I cleared the inn of wine,

And I tried to climb the sign,

And I tried to hail the constable as “Marion.”

But he said I couldn't speak,

And he bowled me to the Beak

Because I was a Happy Vegetarian.

Oh, I knew a Doctor Gluck,

And his nose it had a hook,

And his attitudes were anything but Aryan;

So I gave him all the pork

That I had, upon a fork;

Because I am myself a Vegetarian.

I am silent in the Club,

I am silent in the pub,

I am silent on a bally peak in Darien;

For I stuff away for life

Shoving peas in with a knife,

Because I am at heart a Vegetarian.

No more the milk of cows

Shall pollute my private house

Than the milk of the wild mares of the Barbarian;

I will stick to port and sherry,

For they are so very, very,

So very, very, very Vegetarian.