Iolanthe

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Iolanthe Libretto

EARL TOLLOLLERPRIVATE WILLIS (of the Grenadier Guards)

EARL TOLLOLLERSTREPHON (an Arcadian Shepherd)

QUEENIOLANTHE (a Fairy, Strephon's Mother)

FLETAPHYLLIS (an Arcadian Shepherdess and Ward of Chancery)

SYSTEMACT I

FLETAAn Arcadian Landscape

SYSTEMACT II

FLETAPalace Yard, Westminster

SYSTEMACT I

SYSTEMSCENE.

FLETA—An Arcadian Landscape.

FLETAA river runs around the back of the

FLETAstage.

FLETAA rustic bridge crosses the river.

Enter Fairies, led by Leila, Celia, and Fleta.

FLETAThey trip around

FLETAthe stage, singing as they dance.

CHORUSTripping hither, tripping thither,

CHORUSNobody knows why or whither;

CHORUSWe must dance and we must sing

CHORUSRound about our fairy ring!

CELIAWe are dainty little fairies,

CELIAEver singing, ever dancing;

CELIAWe indulge in our vagaries

CELIAIn a fashion most entrancing.

CELIAIf you ask the special function

CELIAOf our never-ceasing motion,

CELIAWe reply, without compunction,

CELIAThat we haven't any notion!

CHORUSNo, we haven't any notion!

CHORUSTripping hither, etc.

LEILAIf you ask us how we live,

LEILALovers all essentials give—

We can ride on lovers' sighs,

LEILAWarm ourselves in lovers' eyes,

LEILABathe ourselves in lovers' tears,

LEILAClothe ourselves with lovers' fears,

LEILAArm ourselves with lovers' darts,

Hide ourselves in lovers' hearts.

LEILAWhen you know us, you'll discover

LEILAThat we almost live on lover!

CHORUSYes, we live on lover!

CHORUSTripping hither, etc.

At the end of Chorus, all sigh wearily

CELIAAh, it's all very well, but since our Queen banished

CELIAIolanthe, fairy revels have not been what they were!

LEILAIolanthe was the life and soul of Fairyland.

LEILAWhy, she

LEILAwrote all our songs and arranged all our dances!  We sing her songs

LEILAand we trip her measures, but we don't enjoy ourselves!

FLETATo think that five-and-twenty years have elapsed since

FLETAshe was banished!  What could she have done to have deserved so

FLETAterrible a punishment?

LEILASomething awful!  She married a mortal!

FLETAOh!  Is it injudicious to marry a mortal?

LEILAInjudicious?  It strikes at the root of the whole

LEILAfairy system!  By our laws, the fairy who marries a mortal dies!

CELIABut Iolanthe didn't die!

Enter Fairy Queen

QUEENNo, because your Queen, who loved her with a

QUEENsurpassing love, commuted her sentence to penal servitude for life,

QUEENon condition that she left her husband and never communicated with

QUEENhim again!

LEILAThat sentence of penal servitude she is now working

LEILAout, on her head, at the bottom of that stream!

QUEENYes, but when I banished her, I gave her all the

QUEENpleasant places of the earth to dwell in.

QUEENI'm sure I never

QUEENintended that she should go and live at the bottom of a stream!  It

QUEENmakes me perfectly wretched to think of the discomfort she must

QUEENhave undergone!

LEILAThink of the damp!  And her chest was always delicate.

QUEENAnd the frogs!  Ugh!  I never shall enjoy any peace of

QUEENmind until I know why Iolanthe went to live among the frogs!

FLETAThen why not summon her and ask her?

QUEENWhy?  Because if I set eyes on her I should forgive

QUEENher at once!

CELIAThen why not forgive her?  Twenty-five years—it's a

CELIAlong time!

LEILAThink how we loved her!

QUEENLoved her?  What was your love to mine?  Why, she was

QUEENinvaluable to me!  Who taught me to curl myself inside a buttercup?

QUEENIolanthe!  Who taught me to swing upon a cobweb?  Iolanthe!  Who

QUEENtaught me to dive into a dewdrop—to nestle in a nutshell—to

QUEENgambol upon gossamer?  Iolanthe!

LEILAShe certainly did surprising things!

Oh, give her back to us, great Queen, for your sake if

FLETAnot for ours!  (All kneel in supplication)

FLETAQUEEN (irresolute).

FLETAOh, I should be strong, but I am weak!

FLETAI should be marble, but I am clay!  Her punishment has been heavier

FLETAthan I intended.

FLETAI did not mean that she should live among the

FLETAfrogs—and—well, well, it shall be as you wish—it shall be as you

FLETAwish!

QUEENIolanthe!

QUEENFrom thy dark exile thou art summoned!

QUEENCome to our call—

QUEENCome, come, Iolanthe!

CELIAIolanthe!

LEILAIolanthe!

ALLCome to our call, Iolanthe!

ALLIolanthe, come!

(Iolanthe rises from the water.

ALLShe is clad in water-weeds.

ALLShe

approaches the Queen with head bent and arms crossed)

IOLANTHEWith humbled breast

IOLANTHEAnd every hope laid low,

IOLANTHETo thy behest,

IOLANTHEOffended Queen, I bow!

QUEENFor a dark sin against our fairy laws

QUEENWe sent thee into life-long banishment;

QUEENBut mercy holds her sway within our hearts—

QUEENRise—thou art pardoned!

IOLANTHEPardoned!

ALLPardoned!

(Her weeds fall from her, and she appears clothed as a fairy.

Queen places a diamond coronet on her head, and embraces her.

others also embrace her)

CHORUSWelcome to our hearts again,

CHORUSIolanthe! Iolanthe!

CHORUSWe have shared thy bitter pain,

CHORUSIolanthe! Iolanthe!

CHORUSEvery heart and every hand

CHORUSIn our loving little band

CHORUSWelcomes thee to Fairyland,

CHORUSIolanthe!

QUEENAnd now, tell me, with all the world to choose from,

QUEENwhy on earth did you decide to live at the bottom of that stream?

IOLANTHETo be near my son, Strephon.

QUEENBless my heart, I didn't know you had a son.

IOLANTHEHe was born soon after I left my husband by your royal

IOLANTHEcommand—but he does not even know of his father's existence.

FLETAHow old is he?

IOLANTHETwenty-four.

LEILATwenty-four!  No one, to look at you, would think you

LEILAhad a son of twenty-four!  But that's one of the advantages of

LEILAbeing immortal.

LEILAWe never grow old!  Is he pretty?

IOLANTHEHe's extremely pretty, but he's inclined to be stout.

IOLANTHEALL (disappointed).

IOLANTHEOh!

QUEENI see no objection to stoutness, in moderation.

CELIAAnd what is he?

IOLANTHEHe's an Arcadian shepherd—and he loves Phyllis, a Ward

IOLANTHEin Chancery.

CELIAA mere shepherd! and he half a fairy!

IOLANTHEHe's a fairy down to the waist—but his legs are mortal.

ALLDear me!

QUEENI have no reason to suppose that I am more curious

QUEENthan other people, but I confess I should like to see a person who

QUEENis a fairy down to the waist, but whose legs are mortal.

IOLANTHENothing easier, for here he comes!

(Enter Strephon, singing and dancing and playing on a flageolet.

He does not see the Fairies, who retire up stage as he enters)

STREPHONGood morrow, good mother!

STREPHONGood mother, good morrow!

STREPHONBy some means or other,

STREPHONPray banish your sorrow!

STREPHONWith joy beyond telling

STREPHONMy bosom is swelling,

STREPHONSo join in a measure

STREPHONExpressive of pleasure,

STREPHONFor I'm to be married to-day—to-day—

STREPHONYes, I'm to be married to-day!

CHORUS (aside).

STREPHONYes, he's to be married to-day—to-day—

STREPHONYes, he's to be married to-day!

IOLANTHEThen the Lord Chancellor has at last given his consent

IOLANTHEto your marriage with his beautiful ward, Phyllis?

STREPHONNot he, indeed.

STREPHONTo all my tearful prayers he answers

STREPHONme, "A shepherd lad is no fit helpmate for a Ward of Chancery.

"  Istood in court, and there I sang him songs of Arcadee, with

"  Iflageolet accompaniment—in vain.

"  IAt first he seemed amused, so

"  Idid the Bar; but quickly wearying of my song and pipe, bade me get

"  Iout.

"  IA servile usher then, in crumpled bands and rusty bombazine,

"  Iled me, still singing, into Chancery Lane!  I'll go no more; I'll

"  Imarry her to-day, and brave the upshot, be it what it may!  (Sees

"  IFairies)  But who are these?

IOLANTHEOh, Strephon!  rejoice with me, my Queen has pardoned

IOLANTHEme!

STREPHONPardoned you, mother?  This is good news indeed.

IOLANTHEAnd these ladies are my beloved sisters.

STREPHONYour sisters!  Then they are—my aunts!

QUEENA pleasant piece of news for your bride on her wedding

QUEENday!

STREPHONHush!  My bride knows nothing of my fairyhood.

Idare not tell her, lest it frighten her.

IShe thinks me mortal, and

Iprefers me so.

LEILAYour fairyhood doesn't seem to have done you much

LEILAgood.

STREPHONMuch good!  My dear aunt! it's the curse of my

STREPHONexistence!  What's the use of being half a fairy?  My body can

STREPHONcreep through a keyhole, but what's the good of that when my legs

STREPHONare left kicking behind?  I can make myself invisible down to the

STREPHONwaist, but that's of no use when my legs remain exposed to view!

STREPHONMy brain is a fairy brain, but from the waist downwards I'm a

STREPHONgibbering idiot.

STREPHONMy upper half is immortal, but my lower half

STREPHONgrows older every day, and some day or other must die of old age.

STREPHONWhat's to become of my upper half when I've buried my lower half I

STREPHONreally don't know!

FAIRIESPoor fellow!

QUEENI see your difficulty, but with a fairy brain you

QUEENshould seek an intellectual sphere of action.

QUEENLet me see.

QUEENI've a

QUEENborough or two at my disposal.

QUEENWould you like to go into

QUEENParliament?

IOLANTHEA fairy Member!  That would be delightful!

STREPHONI'm afraid I should do no good there—you see, down

STREPHONto the waist, I'm a Tory of the most determined description, but my

STREPHONlegs are a couple of confounded Radicals, and, on a division,

STREPHONthey'd be sure to take me into the wrong lobby.

STREPHONYou see, they're

STREPHONtwo to one, which is a strong working majority.

QUEENDon't let that distress you; you shall be returned as

QUEENa Liberal-Conservative, and your legs shall be our peculiar care.

STREPHON(bowing).

STREPHONI see your Majesty does not do things by

STREPHONhalves.

QUEENNo, we are fairies down to the feet.

QUEENFare thee well, attractive stranger.

FAIRIESFare thee well, attractive stranger.

QUEENShouldst thou be in doubt or danger,

QUEENPeril or perplexitee,

QUEENCall us, and we'll come to thee!

FAIRIESAye!  Call us, and we'll come to thee!

FAIRIESTripping hither, tripping thither,

FAIRIESNobody knows why or whither;

FAIRIESWe must now be taking wing

FAIRIESTo another fairy ring!

FAIRIES(Fairies and Queen trip off, Iolanthe, who takes an affectionate

FAIRIESfarewell of her son, going off last)

(Enter Phyllis, singing and dancing, and accompanying herself on a

FAIRIESflageolet)

PHYLLISGood morrow, good lover!

PHYLLISGood lover, good morrow!

PHYLLISI prithee discover,

PHYLLISSteal, purchase, or borrow

PHYLLISSome means of concealing

PHYLLISThe care you are feeling,

PHYLLISAnd join in a measure

PHYLLISExpressive of pleasure,

PHYLLISFor we're to be married to-day—to-day!

PHYLLISYes, we're to be married to-day!

BOTHYes, we're to be married, etc.

(embracing her).

STREPHONMy Phyllis!  And to-day we are to be

STREPHONmade happy for ever.

PHYLLISWell, we're to be married.

STREPHONIt's the same thing.

PHYLLISI suppose it is.

PHYLLISBut oh, Strephon, I tremble at the

PHYLLISstep I'm taking!  I believe it's penal servitude for life to marry

PHYLLISa Ward of Court without the Lord Chancellor's consent!  I shall be

PHYLLISof age in two years.

PHYLLISDon't you think you could wait two years?

STREPHONTwo years.

STREPHONHave you ever looked in the glass?

PHYLLISNo, never.

Here, look at that (showing her a pocket mirror), and

STREPHONtell me if you think it rational to expect me to wait two years?

PHYLLIS(looking at herself).

PHYLLISNo.

PHYLLISYou're quite right—it's

PHYLLISasking too much.

PHYLLISOne must be reasonable.

STREPHONBesides, who knows what will happen in two years?

Why, you might fall in love with the Lord Chancellor himself by

STREPHONthat time!

PHYLLISYes.

PHYLLISHe's a clean old gentleman.

As it is, half the House of Lords are sighing at your

STREPHONfeet.

PHYLLISThe House of Lords are certainly extremely attentive.

STREPHONAttentive?  I should think they were!  Why did

STREPHONfive-and-twenty Liberal Peers come down to shoot over your

STREPHONgrass-plot last autumn?  It couldn't have been the sparrows.

STREPHONWhy

STREPHONdid five-and-twenty Conservative Peers come down to fish your pond?

STREPHONDon't tell me it was the gold-fish!  No, no—delays are dangerous,

STREPHONand if we are to marry, the sooner the better.

STREPHONDUET—STREPHON and PHYLLIS.

PHYLLISNone shall part us from each other,

PHYLLISOne in life and death are we:

PHYLLISAll in all to one another—

PHYLLISI to thee and thou to me!

BOTHThou the tree and I the flower—

BOTHThou the idol; I the throng—

BOTHThou the day and I the hour—

BOTHThou the singer; I the song!

STREPHONAll in all since that fond meeting

STREPHONWhen, in joy, I woke to find

STREPHONMine the heart within thee beating,

STREPHONMine the love that heart enshrined!

BOTHThou the stream and I the willow—

BOTHThou the sculptor; I the clay—

BOTHThou the Ocean; I the billow—

BOTHThou the sunrise; I the day!

(Exeunt Strephon and Phyllis

BOTHtogether)

BOTH(March.

Enter Procession of Peers)

CHORUSLoudly let the trumpet bray!

CHORUSTantantara!

CHORUSProudly bang the sounding brasses!

CHORUSTzing! Boom!

CHORUSAs upon its lordly way

CHORUSThis unique procession passes,

CHORUSTantantara! Tzing! Boom!

CHORUSBow, bow, ye lower middle classes!

CHORUSBow, bow, ye tradesmen, bow, ye masses!

CHORUSBlow the trumpets, bang the brasses!

CHORUSTantantara!  Tzing!  Boom!

CHORUSWe are peers of highest station,

CHORUSParagons of legislation,

CHORUSPillars of the British nation!

CHORUSTantantara! Tzing! Boom!

Enter the Lord Chancellor, followed by his train-bearer

LORD CHANCELLORThe Law is the true embodiment

LORD CHANCELLOROf everything that's excellent.

LORD CHANCELLORIt has no kind of fault or flaw,

LORD CHANCELLORAnd I, my Lords, embody the Law.

LORD CHANCELLORThe constitutional guardian I

LORD CHANCELLOROf pretty young Wards in Chancery,

LORD CHANCELLORAll very agreeable girls—and none

LORD CHANCELLORAre over the age of twenty-one.

LORD CHANCELLORA pleasant occupation for

LORD CHANCELLORA rather susceptible Chancellor!

ALLA pleasant, etc.

ALLBut though the compliment implied

ALLInflates me with legitimate pride,

ALLIt nevertheless can't be denied

ALLThat it has its inconvenient side.

ALLFor I'm not so old, and not so plain,

ALLAnd I'm quite prepared to marry again,

ALLBut there'd be the deuce to pay in the Lords

ALLIf I fell in love with one of my Wards!

ALLWhich rather tries my temper, for

ALLI'm such a susceptible Chancellor!

ALLWhich rather, etc.

ALLAnd every one who'd marry a Ward

ALLMust come to me for my accord,

ALLAnd in my court I sit all day,

ALLGiving agreeable girls away,

ALLWith one for him—and one for he—

ALLAnd one for you—and one for ye—

ALLAnd one for thou—and one for thee—

ALLBut never, oh, never a one for me!

ALLWhich is exasperating for

ALLA highly susceptible Chancellor!

ALLWhich is, etc.

Enter Lord Tolloller

LORD TOLL.And now, my Lords, to the business of the day.

LORD CH.By all means.

LORD CH.Phyllis, who is a Ward of Court, has

LORD CH.so powerfully affected your Lordships, that you have appealed to me

in a body to give her to whichever one of you she may think proper

LORD CH.to select, and a noble Lord has just gone to her cottage to request

LORD CH.her immediate attendance.

LORD CH.It would be idle to deny that I, myself,

LORD CH.have the misfortune to be singularly attracted by this young

LORD CH.person.

LORD CH.My regard for her is rapidly undermining my constitution.

LORD CH.Three months ago I was a stout man.

LORD CH.I need say no more.

LORD CH.If I

LORD CH.could reconcile it with my duty, I should unhesitatingly award her

LORD CH.to myself, for I can conscientiously say that I know no man who is

LORD CH.so well fitted to render her exceptionally happy.

LORD CH.(Peers:

LORD CH.Hear,

LORD CH.hear!)  But such an award would be open to misconstruction, and

LORD CH.therefore, at whatever personal inconvenience, I waive my claim.

LORD TOLL.My Lord, I desire, on the part of this House, to

LORD TOLL.express its sincere sympathy with your Lordship's most painful

LORD TOLL.position.

LORD CH.I thank your Lordships.

LORD CH.The feelings of a Lord

LORD CH.Chancellor who is in love with a Ward of Court are not to be

LORD CH.envied.

LORD CH.What is his position?  Can he give his own consent to his

LORD CH.own marriage with his own Ward?  Can he marry his own Ward without

LORD CH.his own consent?  And if he marries his own Ward without his own

LORD CH.consent, can he commit himself for contempt of his own Court?  And

LORD CH.if he commit himself for contempt of his own Court, can he appear

LORD CH.by counsel before himself, to move for arrest of his own judgement?

LORD CH.Ah, my Lords, it is indeed painful to have to sit upon a woolsack

LORD CH.which is stuffed with such thorns as these!

Enter Lord Mountararat

LORD MOUNTARARATMy Lord, I have much pleasure in announcing that

LORD MOUNTARARATI have succeeded in inducing the young person to present herself at

LORD MOUNTARARATthe Bar of this House.

Enter Phyllis

PHYLLISMy well-loved Lord and Guardian dear,

PHYLLISYou summoned me, and I am here!

CHORUS OF PEERSOh, rapture, how beautiful!

CHORUS OF PEERSHow gentle—how dutiful!

LORD TOLLOLLEROf all the young ladies I know

LORD TOLLOLLERThis pretty young lady's the fairest;

LORD TOLLOLLERHer lips have the rosiest show,

LORD TOLLOLLERHer eyes are the richest and rarest.

LORD TOLLOLLERHer origin's lowly, it's true,

LORD TOLLOLLERBut of birth and position I've plenty;

LORD TOLLOLLERI've grammar and spelling for two,

LORD TOLLOLLERAnd blood and behaviour for twenty!

LORD TOLLOLLERHer origin's lowly, it's true,

LORD TOLLOLLERI've grammar and spelling for two;

CHORUSOf birth and position he's plenty,

CHORUSWith blood and behaviour for twenty!

LORD MOUNTARARATThough the views of the House have diverged

LORD MOUNTARARATOn every conceivable motion,

LORD MOUNTARARATAll questions of Party are merged

LORD MOUNTARARATIn a frenzy of love and devotion;

LORD MOUNTARARATIf you ask us distinctly to say

LORD MOUNTARARATWhat Party we claim to belong to,

LORD MOUNTARARATWe reply, without doubt or delay,

LORD MOUNTARARATThe Party I'm singing this song to!

PHYLLISI'm very much pained to refuse,

PHYLLISBut I'll stick to my pipes and my tabors;

PHYLLISI can spell all the words that I use,

PHYLLISAnd my grammar's as good as my neighbours'.

PHYLLISAs for birth—I was born like the rest,

PHYLLISMy behaviour is rustic but hearty,

And I know where to turn for the best,

PHYLLISWhen I want a particular Party!

PHYLLIS, and LORD MOUNT.

PHYLLISThough her station is none of the best,

PHYLLISI suppose she was born like the rest;

PHYLLISAnd she knows where to look for her hearty,

PHYLLISWhen she wants a particular Party!

PHYLLISNay, tempt me not.

PHYLLISTo rank I'll not be bound;

PHYLLISIn lowly cot

PHYLLISAlone is virtue found!

CHORUSNo, no; indeed high rank will never hurt you,

CHORUSThe Peerage is not destitute of virtue.

ALLSpurn not the nobly born

ALLWith love affected,

ALLNor treat with virtuous scorn

ALLThe well-connected.

ALLHigh rank involves no shame—

ALLWe boast an equal claim

ALLWith him of humble name

ALLTo be respected!

ALLBlue blood! blue blood!

ALLWhen virtuous love is sought

ALLThy power is naught,

ALLThough dating from the Flood,

ALLBlue blood!  Ah, blue blood!

CHORUSWhen virtuous love is sought, etc.

CHORUSSpare us the bitter pain

CHORUSOf stern denials,

CHORUSNor with low-born disdain

CHORUSAugment our trials.

CHORUSHearts just as pure and fair

CHORUSMay beat in Belgrave Square

CHORUSAs in the lowly air

CHORUSOf Seven Dials!

CHORUSBlue blood! blue blood!

CHORUSOf what avail art thou

CHORUSTo serve us now?

CHORUSThough dating from the Flood,

CHORUSBlue blood!  Ah, blue blood!

CHORUSOf what avail art thou, etc.

PHYLLISMy Lords, it may not be.

PHYLLISWith grief my heart is riven!

PHYLLISYou waste your time on me,

PHYLLISFor ah! my heart is given!

ALLGiven!

PHYLLISYes, given!

ALLOh, horror!!!

LORD CHANCELLORAnd who has dared to brave our high displeasure,

LORD CHANCELLORAnd thus defy our definite command?

Enter Strephon

STREPHON'Tis I—young Strephon! mine this priceless treasure!

STREPHONAgainst the world I claim my darling's hand!

Phyllis rushes to his arms

STREPHONA shepherd I—

ALLA shepherd he!

STREPHONOf Arcady-

ALLOf Arcadee!

STREPHONBetrothed are we!

ALLBetrothed are they—

STREPHONAnd mean to be-

ALLEspoused to-day!

THE OTHERSA shepherd I                            A shepherd he

THE OTHERSOf Arcady,                              Of Arcadee,

THE OTHERSBetrothed are we,                       Betrothed is he,

THE OTHERSAnd mean to be                          And means to be

THE OTHERSEspoused to-day!                        Espoused to-day!

THE OTHERSDUET—LORD MOUNTARARAT and LORD TOLLOLLER

(aside to each other).

THE OTHERS'Neath this blow,

THE OTHERSWorse than stab of dagger—

THE OTHERSThough we mo-

THE OTHERSMentarily stagger,

THE OTHERSIn each heart

THE OTHERSProud are we innately—

THE OTHERSLet's depart,

THE OTHERSDignified and stately!

ALLLet's depart,

ALLDignified and stately!

CHORUS OF PEERSThough our hearts she's badly bruising,

CHORUS OF PEERSIn another suitor choosing,

CHORUS OF PEERSLet's pretend it's most amusing.

CHORUS OF PEERSHa! ha! ha!  Tan-ta-ra!

(Exeunt all the Peers, marching round stage with much dignity.

CHORUS OF PEERSLord Chancellor separates Phyllis from Strephon and orders her off.

CHORUS OF PEERSShe follows Peers.

CHORUS OF PEERSManent Lord Chancellor and Strephon)

LORD CH.Now, sir, what excuse have you to offer for having

LORD CH.disobeyed an order of the Court of Chancery?

STREPHONMy Lord, I know no Courts of Chancery; I go by

STREPHONNature's Acts of Parliament.

STREPHONThe bees—the breeze—the seas—the

STREPHONrooks—the brooks—the gales—the vales—the fountains and the

STREPHONmountains cry, "You love this maiden—take her, we command you!"

STREPHON'Tis writ in heaven by the bright barbed dart that leaps forth into

STREPHONlurid light from each grim thundercloud.

STREPHONThe very rain pours forth

STREPHONher sad and sodden sympathy!  When chorused Nature bids me take my

STREPHONlove, shall I reply, "Nay, but a certain Chancellor forbids it"?

STREPHONSir, you are England's Lord High Chancellor, but are you Chancellor

STREPHONof birds and trees, King of the winds and Prince of thunderclouds?

LORD CH.No.

It's a nice point.

LORD CH.I don't know that I ever

LORD CH.met it before.

LORD CH.But my difficulty is that at present there's no

LORD CH.evidence before the Court that chorused Nature has interested

LORD CH.herself in the matter.

STREPHONNo evidence!  You have my word for it.

STREPHONI tell you

STREPHONthat she bade me take my love.

LORD CH.Ah! but, my good sir, you mustn't tell us what she

LORD CH.told you—it's not evidence.

LORD CH.Now an affidavit from a thunderstorm,

LORD CH.or a few words on oath from a heavy shower, would meet with all the

LORD CH.attention they deserve.

STREPHONAnd have you the heart to apply the prosaic rules of

STREPHONevidence to a case which bubbles over with poetical emotion?

LORD CH.Distinctly.

LORD CH.I have always kept my duty strictly

LORD CH.before my eyes, and it is to that fact that I owe my advancement to

LORD CH.my present distinguished position.

LORD CHANCELLORWhen I went to the Bar as a very young man,

LORD CHANCELLOR(Said I to myself—said I),

LORD CHANCELLORI'll work on a new and original plan,

LORD CHANCELLOR(Said I to myself—said I),

LORD CHANCELLORI'll never assume that a rogue or a thief

LORD CHANCELLORIs a gentleman worthy implicit belief,

LORD CHANCELLORBecause his attorney has sent me a brief,

LORD CHANCELLOR(Said I to myself—said I!).

LORD CHANCELLOREre I go into court I will read my brief through

LORD CHANCELLOR(Said I to myself—said I),

LORD CHANCELLORAnd I'll never take work I'm unable to do

LORD CHANCELLOR(Said I to myself-said I),

LORD CHANCELLORMy learned profession I'll never disgrace

LORD CHANCELLORBy taking a fee with a grin on my face,

LORD CHANCELLORWhen I haven't been there to attend to the case

LORD CHANCELLOR(Said I to myself—said I!).

I'll never throw dust in a juryman's eyes

LORD CHANCELLOR(Said I to myself—said I),

LORD CHANCELLOROr hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise

LORD CHANCELLOR(Said I to myself—said I),

LORD CHANCELLOROr assume that the witnesses summoned in force

LORD CHANCELLORIn Exchequer, Queen's Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce,

LORD CHANCELLORHave perjured themselves as a matter of course

LORD CHANCELLOR(Said I to myself—said I!).

LORD CHANCELLORIn other professions in which men engage

LORD CHANCELLOR(Said I to myself said I),

LORD CHANCELLORThe Army, the Navy, the Church, and the Stage

LORD CHANCELLOR(Said I to myself—said I),

LORD CHANCELLORProfessional licence, if carried too far,

LORD CHANCELLORYour chance of promotion will certainly mar—

LORD CHANCELLORAnd I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar

LORD CHANCELLOR(Said I to myself—said I!).

(Exit Lord

LORD CHANCELLORChancellor)

Enter Iolanthe

STREPHONOh, Phyllis, Phyllis!  To be taken from you just as

STREPHONI was on the point of making you my own!  Oh, it's too much—it's

STREPHONtoo much!

IOLANTHE(to Strephon, who is in tears).

IOLANTHEMy son in tears—and on

IOLANTHEhis wedding day!

STREPHONMy wedding day!  Oh, mother, weep with me, for the

STREPHONLaw has interposed between us, and the Lord Chancellor has

STREPHONseparated us for ever!

IOLANTHEThe Lord Chancellor!  (Aside)  Oh, if he did but know!

STREPHON(overhearing her).

STREPHONIf he did but know what?

IOLANTHENo matter!  The Lord Chancellor has no power over you.

IOLANTHERemember you are half a fairy.

IOLANTHEYou can defy him—down to the

IOLANTHEwaist.

STREPHONYes, but from the waist downwards he can commit me to

STREPHONprison for years!  Of what avail is it that my body is free, if my

STREPHONlegs are working out seven years' penal servitude?

IOLANTHETrue.

IOLANTHEBut take heart—our Queen has promised you her

IOLANTHEspecial protection.

IOLANTHEI'll go to her and lay your peculiar case

IOLANTHEbefore her.

STREPHONMy beloved mother! how can I repay the debt I owe

STREPHONyou?

FINALE—QUARTET(As it commences, the Peers appear at the back, advancing unseen

FINALE—QUARTETand on tiptoe.

FINALE—QUARTETLord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller lead Phyllis

FINALE—QUARTETbetween them, who listens in horror to what she hears)

STREPHON(to Iolanthe).

STREPHONWhen darkly looms the day,

STREPHONAnd all is dull and grey,

STREPHONTo chase the gloom away,

STREPHONOn thee I'll call!

(speaking aside to Lord Mountararat).

PHYLLISWhat was that?

(aside to Phyllis).

LORD MOUNTARARATI think I heard him say,

LORD MOUNTARARATThat on a rainy day,

LORD MOUNTARARATTo while the time away,

LORD MOUNTARARATOn her he'd call!

CHORUSWe think we heard him say, etc.

Phyllis much agitated at her lover's supposed faithlessness

IOLANTHE(to Strephon).

IOLANTHEWhen tempests wreck thy bark,

IOLANTHEAnd all is drear and dark,

IOLANTHEIf thou shouldst need an Ark,

IOLANTHEI'll give thee one!

(speaking aside to Lord Tolloller).

PHYLLISWhat was that?

(aside to Phyllis).

LORD TOLL.I heard the minx remark,

LORD TOLL.She'd meet him after dark,

LORD TOLL.Inside St James's Park,

LORD TOLL.And give him one!

CHORUSWe heard the minx remark, etc.

PHYLLISThe prospect's very bad.

PHYLLISMy heart so sore and sad

PHYLLISWill never more be glad

PHYLLISAs summer's sun.

STREPHONThe prospect's not so bad,

STREPHONMy/Thy heart so sore and sad

STREPHONMay very soon be glad

STREPHONAs summer's sun;

LORD MOUNTARARATFor when the sky is dark

LORD MOUNTARARATAnd tempests wreck his/thy/my bark,

LORD MOUNTARARAThe should

LORD MOUNTARARATIf thou shouldst need an Ark,

LORD MOUNTARARATI should

LORD MOUNTARARATShe'll    him

LORD MOUNTARARATI'll give thee one!

LORD MOUNTARARATme

PHYLLIS(revealing herself).

PHYLLISAh!

Iolanthe and Strephon much confused

PHYLLISOh, shameless one, tremble!

PHYLLISNay, do not endeavour

PHYLLISThy fault to dissemble,

PHYLLISWe part—and for ever!

PHYLLISI worshipped him blindly,

PHYLLISHe worships another—

STREPHONAttend to me kindly,

STREPHONThis lady's my mother!

TOLL.This lady's his what?

STREPHONThis lady's my mother!

TENORSThis lady's his what?

BASSESHe says she's his mother!

(They point derisively to Iolanthe, laughing heartily at her.

BASSESShe

BASSESgoes for protection to Strephon)

(Enter Lord Chancellor.

BASSESIolanthe veils herself)

LORD CH.What means this mirth unseemly,

LORD CH.That shakes the listening earth?

LORD TOLL.The joke is good extremely,

LORD TOLL.And justifies our mirth.

LORD MOUNTARARATThis gentleman is seen,

LORD MOUNTARARATWith a maid of seventeen,

LORD MOUNTARARATA-taking of his dolce far niente;

LORD MOUNTARARATAnd wonders he'd achieve,

LORD MOUNTARARATFor he asks us to believe

LORD MOUNTARARATShe's his mother—and he's nearly five-and-twenty!

LORD CH.(sternly).

LORD CH.Recollect yourself, I pray,

LORD CH.And be careful what you say—

LORD CH.As the ancient Romans said, festina lente.

LORD CH.For I really do not see

LORD CH.How so young a girl could be

LORD CH.The mother of a man of five-and-twenty.

ALLHa! ha! ha! ha! ha!

STREPHONMy Lord, of evidence I have no dearth—

STREPHONShe is—has been—my mother from my birth!

ALLIn babyhood

ALLUpon her lap I lay,

ALLWith infant food

ALLShe moistened my clay;

ALLHad she withheld

ALLThe succour she supplied,

ALLBy hunger quelled,

ALLYour Strephon might have died!

LORD CH.(much moved).

LORD CH.Had that refreshment been denied,

LORD CH.Indeed our Strephon might have died!

LORD CH.ALL (much affected).

LORD CH.Had that refreshment been denied,

LORD CH.Indeed our Strephon might have died!

LORD MOUNTARARATBut as she's not

LORD MOUNTARARATHis mother, it appears,

Why weep these hot

LORD MOUNTARARATUnnecessary tears?

LORD MOUNTARARATAnd by what laws

LORD MOUNTARARATShould we so joyously

LORD MOUNTARARATRejoice, because

LORD MOUNTARARATOur Strephon did not die?

LORD MOUNTARARATOh rather let us pipe our eye

LORD MOUNTARARATBecause our Strephon did not die!

ALLThat's very true—let's pipe our eye

ALLBecause our Strephon did not die!

(All weep.

Iolanthe, who has succeeded in hiding her face from

Lord Chancellor, escapes unnoticed)

PHYLLISGo, traitorous one—for ever we must part:

PHYLLISTo one of you, my Lords, I give my heart!

ALLOh, rapture!

Hear me, Phyllis, ere you leave me.

PHYLLISNot a word—you did deceive me.

ALLNot a word—you did deceive her.

(Exit

ALLStrephon)

ALLFor riches and rank I do not long—

ALLTheir pleasures are false and vain;

ALLI gave up the love of a lordly throng

ALLFor the love of a simple swain.

ALLBut now that simple swain's untrue,

With sorrowful heart I turn to you—

ALLA heart that's aching,

ALLQuaking, breaking,

ALLAs sorrowful hearts are wont to do!

ALLThe riches and rank that you befall

ALLAre the only baits you use,

ALLSo the richest and rankiest of you all

ALLMy sorrowful heart shall choose.

ALLAs none are so noble—none so rich

ALLAs this couple of lords, I'll find a niche

ALLIn my heart that's aching,

ALLQuaking, breaking,

ALLFor one of you two-and I don't care which!

PHYLLIS(to Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller).

PHYLLISTo you I give my heart so rich!

PHYLLISALL (puzzled).

PHYLLISTo which?

PHYLLISI do not care!

PHYLLISTo you I yield—it is my doom!

ALLTo whom?

PHYLLISI'm not aware!

PHYLLISI'm yours for life if you but choose.

ALLShe's whose?

PHYLLISThat's your affair!

PHYLLISI'll be a countess, shall I not?

ALLOf what?

PHYLLISI do not care!

ALLLucky little lady!

ALLStrephon's lot is shady;

ALLRank, it seems, is vital,

ALL"Countess" is the title,

ALLBut of what I'm not aware!

Enter Strephon

STREPHONCan I inactive see my fortune fade?

STREPHONNo, no!

PEERSHo, ho!

STREPHONMighty protectress, hasten to my aid!

(Enter Fairies, tripping, headed by Celia, Leila, and Fleta, and

STREPHONfollowed by Queen)

STREPHONCHORUS    Tripping hither, tripping thither.

STREPHONOF      Nobody knows why or whither;

STREPHONFAIRIES   Why you want us we don't know,

STREPHONBut you've summoned us, and so

Enter all the little fairies

STREPHONTo their usual tripping measure!

STREPHONTo oblige you all our care is—

STREPHONTell us, pray, what is your pleasure!

STREPHONThe lady of my love has caught me talking to another—

PEERSOh, fie! young Strephon is a rogue!

STREPHONI tell her very plainly that the lady is my mother—

PEERSTaradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!

STREPHONShe won't believe my statement, and declares we must be

STREPHONparted,

STREPHONBecause on a career of double-dealing I have started,

Then gives her hand to one of these, and leaves me

STREPHONbroken-hearted—

PEERSTaradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!

QUEENAh, cruel ones, to separate two lovers from each other!

FAIRIESOh, fie! our Strephon's not a rogue!

QUEENYou've done him an injustice, for the lady is his mother!

FAIRIESTaradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!

That fable perhaps may serve his turn as well as any

LORD CH.other.

(Aside)  I didn't see her face, but if they fondled one

LORD CH.another,

LORD CH.And she's but seventeen—I don't believe it was his

LORD CH.mother!

LORD CH.Taradiddle, taradiddle.

ALLTol lol lay!

LORD TOLL.I have often had a use

LORD TOLL.For a thorough-bred excuse

LORD TOLL.Of a sudden (which is English for "repente"),

LORD TOLL.But of all I ever heard

LORD TOLL.This is much the most absurd,

LORD TOLL.For she's seventeen, and he is five-and-twenty!

ALLThough she is seventeen, and he is four or

ALLfive-and-twenty!

ALLOh, fie! our Strephon is a rogue!

LORD MOUNTARARATNow, listen, pray to me,

LORD MOUNTARARATFor this paradox will be

LORD MOUNTARARATCarried, nobody at all contradicente.

LORD MOUNTARARATHer age, upon the date

LORD MOUNTARARATOf his birth, was minus eight,

LORD MOUNTARARATIf she's seventeen, and he is five-and-twenty!

LORD MOUNTARARATPEERS and FAIRIES.

LORD MOUNTARARATIf she is seventeen, and he is only

LORD MOUNTARARATfive-and-twenty.

ALLTo say she is his mother is an utter bit of folly!

ALLOh, fie! our Strephon is a rogue!

ALLPerhaps his brain is addled, and it's very melancholy!

ALLTaradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!

ALLI wouldn't say a word that could be reckoned as

ALLinjurious,

ALLBut to find a mother younger than her son is very

ALLcurious,

ALLAnd that's a kind of mother that is usually spurious.

ALLTaradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!

LORD CH.Go away, madam;

LORD CH.I should say, madam,

LORD CH.You display, madam,

LORD CH.Shocking taste.

LORD CH.It is rude, madam,

LORD CH.To intrude, madam,

LORD CH.With your brood, madam,

LORD CH.Brazen-faced!

LORD CH.You come here, madam,

LORD CH.Interfere, madam,

LORD CH.With a peer, madam.

I am one

LORD CH.You're aware, madam,

LORD CH.What you dare, madam,

LORD CH.So take care, madam,

LORD CH.And begone!

ENSEMBLEFAIRIES (to QUEEN).

PEERSLet us stay, madam;                Go away, madam;

PEERSI should say, madam,               I should say, madam,

PEERSThey display, madam,               You display, madam,

PEERSShocking taste.

PEERSIt is rude, madam,                 It is rude, madam,

PEERSTo allude, madam,                  To intrude, madam,

PEERSTo your brood, madam,              With your brood, madam,

PEERSBrazen-faced!                      Brazen-faced!

PEERSWe don't fear, madam,              You come here, madam,

PEERSAny peer, madam,                   Interfere, madam,

PEERSThough, my dear madam,             With a peer, madam,

PEERSThis is one.

I am one

PEERSThey will stare, madam,            You're aware, madam,

PEERSWhen aware, madam,                 What you dare, madam,

PEERSWhat they dare, madam—            So take care, madam,

PEERSWhat they've done!                 And begone!

QUEENBearded by these puny mortals!

QUEEN(furious).

QUEENI will launch from fairy portals

QUEENAll the most terrific thunders

QUEENIn my armoury of wonders!

(aside).

PHYLLISShould they launch terrific wonders,

PHYLLISAll would then repent their blunders.

PHYLLISSurely these must be immortals.

(Exit

PHYLLISPhyllis)

QUEENOh! Chancellor unwary

QUEENIt's highly necessary

QUEENYour tongue to teach

QUEENRespectful speech—

QUEENYour attitude to vary!

QUEENYour badinage so airy,

QUEENYour manner arbitrary,

QUEENAre out of place

QUEENWhen face to face

QUEENWith an influential Fairy.

QUEENALL THE PEERS       We never knew

(aside).

QUEENWe were talking to

QUEENAn influential Fairy!

LORD CH.A plague on this vagary,

LORD CH.I'm in a nice quandary!

LORD CH.Of hasty tone

LORD CH.With dames unknown

LORD CH.I ought to be more chary;

LORD CH.It seems that she's a fairy

LORD CH.From Andersen's library,

LORD CH.And I took her for

LORD CH.The proprietor

LORD CH.Of a Ladies' Seminary!

PEERSWe took her for

PEERSThe proprietor

PEERSOf a Ladies' Seminary!

QUEENWhen next your Houses do assemble,

QUEENYou may tremble!

CELIAOur wrath, when gentlemen offend us,

CELIAIs tremendous!

LEILAThey meet, who underrate our calling,

LEILADoom appalling!

QUEENTake down our sentence as we speak it,

QUEENAnd he shall wreak it!

QUEEN(Indicating

QUEENStrephon)

PEERSOh, spare us!

QUEENHenceforth, Strephon, cast away

QUEENCrooks and pipes and ribbons so gay—

QUEENFlocks and herds that bleat and low;

QUEENInto Parliament you shall go!

ALLInto Parliament he shall go!

ALLBacked by our supreme authority,

ALLHe'll command a large majority!

ALLInto Parliament he shall go!

QUEENIn the Parliamentary hive,

QUEENLiberal or Conservative—

QUEENWhig or Tory—I don't know—

QUEENBut into Parliament you shall go!

ALLInto Parliament, etc.

ALLQUEEN (speaking through music).

ALLEvery bill and every measure

ALLThat may gratify his pleasure,

ALLThough your fury it arouses,

ALLShall be passed by both your Houses!

PEERSOh!

QUEENYou shall sit, if he sees reason,

QUEENThrough the grouse and salmon season;

PEERSNo!

QUEENHe shall end the cherished rights

QUEENYou enjoy on Friday nights:

PEERSNo!

QUEENHe shall prick that annual blister,

QUEENMarriage with deceased wife's sister:

PEERSMercy!

QUEENTitles shall ennoble, then,

QUEENAll the Common Councilmen:

PEERSSpare us!

QUEENPeers shall teem in Christendom,

QUEENAnd a Duke's exalted station

QUEENBe attainable by Com-

QUEENPetitive Examination!

PEERSFAIRIES and PHYLLIS.

PEERSOh, horror!                   Their horror

PEERSThey can't dissemble

Nor hide the fear that makes them

PEERStremble!

ENSEMBLEPEERS                FAIRIES, PHYLLIS, and STREPHON.

ENSEMBLEYoung Strephon is the kind of lout With Strephon for your foe, no

ENSEMBLEdoubt,

ENSEMBLEWe do not care a fig about!        A fearful prospect opens out,

ENSEMBLEWe cannot say                 And who shall say

ENSEMBLEWhat evils may                What evils may

ENSEMBLEResult in consequence.

ENSEMBLEResult in consequence?

ENSEMBLEBut lordly vengeance will pursue   A hideous vengeance will pursue

ENSEMBLEAll kinds of common people who     All noblemen who venture to

ENSEMBLEOppose our views,                  Opppose his views,

ENSEMBLEOr boldly choose                   Or boldly choose

ENSEMBLETo offer us offence.

ENSEMBLETo offer him offence.

ENSEMBLEHe'd better fly at humbler game,   'Twill plunge them into grief

ENSEMBLEand shame;

ENSEMBLEOr our forbearance he must claim,  His kind forbearance they must

ENSEMBLEclaim,

If he'd escape                If they'd escape

ENSEMBLEIn any shape                  In any shape

ENSEMBLEA very painful wrench!             A very painful wrench.

ENSEMBLEYour powers we dauntlessly pooh-pooh:

ENSEMBLEAlthough our threats you

ENSEMBLEnow pooh-pooh,

A dire revenge will fall on you.

A dire revenge will fall on you,

ENSEMBLEIf you besiege                Should he besiege

ENSEMBLEOur high prestige—           Your high prestige—

ENSEMBLE(The word "prestige" is French).

ENSEMBLEThe word "prestige" is French).

PEERSOur lordly style

PEERSYou shall not quench

PEERSWith base canaille!

That word is French

PEERSDistinction ebbs

PEERSBefore a herd

PEERSOf vulgar plebs!

A Latin word

PEERS'Twould fill with joy,

PEERSAnd madness stark

PEERSThe hoi polloi!

A Greek remark

PEERSOne Latin word, one Greek remark,

PEERSAnd one that's French.

FAIRIESYour lordly style

FAIRIESWe'll quickly quench

FAIRIESWith base canaille!

That word is French

FAIRIESDistinction ebbs

FAIRIESBefore a herd

FAIRIESOf vulgar plebs!

A Latin word

FAIRIES'Twill fill with joy

FAIRIESAnd madness stark

FAIRIESThe hoi polloi!

A Greek remark

FAIRIESOne Latin word, one Greek remark,

FAIRIESAnd one that's French.

FAIRIESYou needn't wait:

FAIRIESWe will not wait:

FAIRIESAway you fly!                 We go sky-high!

FAIRIESYour threatened hate          Our threatened hate

FAIRIESWe won't defy!                You won't defy!

FAIRIES(Fairies threaten Peers with their wands.

Peers kneel as begging

FAIRIESfor merry.

FAIRIESPhyllis implores Strephon to relent.

FAIRIESHe casts her from

him, and she falls fainting into the arms of Lord Mountararat and

FAIRIESLord Tolloller)

SYSTEMACT II

SYSTEMScene.

END OF ACT I—Palace Yard, Westminster.

END OF ACT IWestminster Hall, L.

END OF ACT IClock

END OF ACT Itower up, R.

CPrivate Willis discovered on sentry, R.

CMoonlight.

PRIVATE WILLISWhen all night long a chap remains

PRIVATE WILLISOn sentry-go, to chase monotony

PRIVATE WILLISHe exercises of his brains,

PRIVATE WILLISThat is, assuming that he's got any.

PRIVATE WILLISThough never nurtured in the lap

PRIVATE WILLISOf luxury, yet I admonish you,

PRIVATE WILLISI am an intellectual chap,

PRIVATE WILLISAnd think of things that would astonish you.

PRIVATE WILLISI often think it's comical—Fal, lal, la!

PRIVATE WILLISHow Nature always does contrive—Fal, lal, la!

PRIVATE WILLISThat every boy and every gal

PRIVATE WILLISThat's born into the world alive

PRIVATE WILLISIs either a little Liberal

PRIVATE WILLISOr else a little Conservative!

PRIVATE WILLISFal, lal, la!

PRIVATE WILLISWhen in that House M.

P's divide,

PIf they've a brain and cerebellum, too,

They've got to leave that brain outside,

PAnd vote just as their leaders tell 'em to.

PBut then the prospect of a lot

POf dull M.

P's in close proximity,

PAll thinking for themselves, is what

PNo man can face with equanimity.

PThen let's rejoice with loud Fal la—Fal la la!

PThat Nature always does contrive—Fal lal la!

PThat every boy and every gal

PThat's born into the world alive

PIs either a little Liberal

POr else a little Conservative!

PFal lal la!

(Enter Fairies, with Celia, Leila, and Fleta.

PThey trip round

Pstage)

CHORUS OF FAIRIESStrephon's a Member of Parliament!

CHORUS OF FAIRIESCarries every Bill he chooses.

CHORUS OF FAIRIESTo his measures all assent—

CHORUS OF FAIRIESShowing that fairies have their uses.

CHORUS OF FAIRIESWhigs and Tories

CHORUS OF FAIRIESDim their glories,

CHORUS OF FAIRIESGiving an ear to all his stories—

CHORUS OF FAIRIESLords and Commons are both in the blues!

CHORUS OF FAIRIESStrephon makes them shake in their shoes!

CHORUS OF FAIRIESShake in their shoes!

CHORUS OF FAIRIESStrephon makes them shake in their shoes!

Enter Peers from Westminster Hall

CHORUS OF PEERSStrephon's a Member of Parliament!

CHORUS OF PEERSRunning a-muck of all abuses.

CHORUS OF PEERSHis unqualified assent

CHORUS OF PEERSSomehow nobody now refuses.

CHORUS OF PEERSWhigs and Tories

CHORUS OF PEERSDim their glories,

CHORUS OF PEERSGiving an ear to all his stories

CHORUS OF PEERSCarrying every Bill he may wish:

CHORUS OF PEERSHere's a pretty kettle of fish!

CHORUS OF PEERSKettle of fish!

CHORUS OF PEERSHere's a pretty kettle of fish!

Enter Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller from Westminster Hall

CELIAYou seem annoyed.

LORD MOUNTARARATAnnoyed!  I should think so!  Why, this

LORD MOUNTARARATridiculous protege of yours is playing the deuce with everything!

To-night is the second reading of his Bill to throw the Peerage

LORD MOUNTARARATopen to Competitive Examination!

LORD TOLL.And he'll carry it, too!

LORD MOUNTARARATCarry it?  Of course he will!  He's a

LORD MOUNTARARATParliamentary Pickford—he carries everything!

LEILAYes.

LEILAIf you please, that's our fault!

LORD MOUNTARARATThe deuce it is!

CELIAYes; we influence the members, and compel them to vote

CELIAjust as he wishes them to.

LEILAIt's our system.

LEILAIt shortens the debates.

LORD TOLL.Well, but think what it all means.

LORD TOLL.I don't so

LORD TOLL.much mind for myself, but with a House of Peers with no

LORD TOLL.grandfathers worth mentioning, the country must go to the dogs!

LEILAI suppose it must!

LORD MOUNTARARATI don't want to say a word against brains—I've

LORD MOUNTARARATa great respect for brains—I often wish I had some myself—but

LORD MOUNTARARATwith a House of Peers composed exclusively of people of intellect,

LORD MOUNTARARATwhat's to become of the House of Commons?

LEILAI never thought of that!

LORD MOUNTARARATThis comes of women interfering in politics.

LORD MOUNTARARATIt

LORD MOUNTARARATso happens that if there is an institution in Great Britain which

LORD MOUNTARARATis not susceptible of any improvement at all, it is the House of

LORD MOUNTARARATPeers!

LORD MOUNTARARATWhen Britain really ruled the waves—

In good Queen Bess's time

LORD MOUNTARARATThe House of Peers made no pretence

LORD MOUNTARARATTo intellectual eminence,

LORD MOUNTARARATOr scholarship sublime;

LORD MOUNTARARATYet Britain won her proudest bays

LORD MOUNTARARATIn good Queen Bess's glorious days!

CHORUSYes, Britain won, etc.

CHORUSWhen Wellington thrashed Bonaparte,

CHORUSAs every child can tell,

CHORUSThe House of Peers, throughout the war,

CHORUSDid nothing in particular,

CHORUSAnd did it very well:

CHORUSYet Britain set the world ablaze

CHORUSIn good King George's glorious days!

CHORUSYes, Britain set, etc.

CHORUSAnd while the House of Peers withholds

CHORUSIts legislative hand,

CHORUSAnd noble statesmen do not itch

CHORUSTo interfere with matters which

CHORUSThey do not understand,

CHORUSAs bright will shine Great Britain's rays

CHORUSAs in King George's glorious days!

CHORUSAs bright will shine, etc.

LEILA(who has been much attracted by the Peers during this

LEILAsong).

LEILACharming persons, are they not?

CELIADistinctly.

CELIAFor self-contained dignity, combined with

CELIAairy condescension, give me a British Representative Peer!

LORD TOLL.Then pray stop this protege of yours before it's

LORD TOLL.too late.

LORD TOLL.Think of the mischief you're doing!

LORD TOLL.LEILA (crying).

LORD TOLL.But we can't stop him now.

Aside to Celia

LORD TOLL.Aren't they lovely!  (Aloud)  Oh, why did you go and defy us, you

LORD TOLL.great geese!

LORD TOLL.DUET—LEILA and CELIA.

LEILAIn vain to us you plead—

LEILADon't go!

LEILAYour prayers we do not heed—

LEILADon't go!

It's true we sigh,

LEILABut don't suppose

LEILAA tearful eye

LEILAForgiveness shows.

LEILAOh, no!

LEILAWe're very cross indeed—

LEILAYes, very cross,

LEILADon't go!

It's true we sigh, etc.

CELIAYour disrespectful sneers—

CELIADon't go!

CELIACall forth indignant tears—

CELIADon't go!

CELIAYou break our laws—

CELIAYou are our foe:

CELIAWe cry because

CELIAWe hate you so!

CELIAYou know!

CELIAYou very wicked Peers!

CELIAYou wicked Peers!

CELIADon't go!

LORDS MOUNTARARATand TOLL.

LORDS MOUNTARARATYou break our laws—          Our disrespectful sneers,

LORDS MOUNTARARATYou are our foe:

LORDS MOUNTARARATHa, ha!

LORDS MOUNTARARATWe cry because                Call forth indignant tears,

LORDS MOUNTARARATWe hate you so!                    Ha, ha!

LORDS MOUNTARARATYou know!      If that's the case, my dears—

LORDS MOUNTARARATYou very wicked Peers!   FAIRIES.

LORDS MOUNTARARATDon't go!

LORDS MOUNTARARATDon't go! PEERS.

LORDS MOUNTARARATWe'll go!

(Exeunt Lord Mountararat, Lord Tolloller, and Peers.

LORDS MOUNTARARATFairies gaze

LORDS MOUNTARARATwistfully after them)

Enter Fairy Queen

QUEENOh, shame—shame upon you!  Is this your fidelity to

QUEENthe laws you are bound to obey?  Know ye not that it is death to

QUEENmarry a mortal?

LEILAYes, but it's not death to wish to marry a mortal!

FLETAIf it were, you'd have to execute us all!

QUEENOh, this is weakness!  Subdue it!

CELIAWe know it's weakness, but the weakness is so strong!

LEILAWe are not all as tough as you are!

QUEENTough!  Do you suppose that I am insensible to the

QUEENeffect of manly beauty?  Look at that man!  (Referring to Sentry)

QUEENA perfect picture!  (To Sentry)  Who are you, sir?

QUEENWILLIS (coming to "attention").

QUEENPrivate Willis, B Company,

QUEEN1st Grenadier Guards.

QUEENYou're a very fine fellow, sir.

WILLISI am generally admired.

QUEENI can quite understand it.

QUEEN(To Fairies)  Now here is

QUEENa man whose physical attributes are simply godlike.

QUEENThat man has

QUEENa most extraordinary effect upon me.

QUEENIf I yielded to a natural

impulse, I should fall down and worship that man.

QUEENBut I mortify

QUEENthis inclination; I wrestle with it, and it lies beneath my feet!

QUEENThat is how I treat my regard for that man!

FAIRY QUEENOh, foolish fay,

FAIRY QUEENThink you, because

FAIRY QUEENHis brave array

FAIRY QUEENMy bosom thaws,

FAIRY QUEENI'd disobey

FAIRY QUEENOur fairy laws?

FAIRY QUEENBecause I fly

FAIRY QUEENIn realms above,

FAIRY QUEENIn tendency

To fall in love,

FAIRY QUEENResemble I

FAIRY QUEENThe amorous dove?

FAIRY QUEEN(Aside)            Oh, amorous dove!

FAIRY QUEENType of Ovidius Naso!

FAIRY QUEENThis heart of mine

FAIRY QUEENIs soft as thine,

FAIRY QUEENAlthough I dare not say so!

CHORUSOh, amorous dove, etc.

CHORUSOn fire that glows

CHORUSWith heat intense

I turn the hose

CHORUSOf common sense,

CHORUSAnd out it goes

CHORUSAt small expense!

CHORUSWe must maintain

CHORUSOur fairy law;

CHORUSThat is the main

On which to draw—

CHORUSIn that we gain

CHORUSA Captain Shaw!

CHORUS(Aside)                 Oh, Captain Shaw!

CHORUSType of true love kept under!

CHORUSCould thy Brigade

CHORUSWith cold cascade

CHORUSQuench my great love, I wonder!

CHORUSOh, Captain Shaw! etc.

Exeunt Fairies and Fairy Queen, sorrowfully

Enter Phyllis

PHYLLIS(half crying).

PHYLLISI can't think why I'm not in better

PHYLLISspirits.

PHYLLISI'm engaged to two noblemen at once.

PHYLLISThat ought to be

PHYLLISenough to make any girl happy.

PHYLLISBut I'm miserable!  Don't suppose

PHYLLISit's because I care for Strephon, for I hate him!  No girl could

PHYLLIScare for a man who goes about with a mother considerably younger

PHYLLISthan himself!

Enter Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller

LORD MOUNTARARATPhyllis!  My darling!

LORD TOLL.Phyllis!  My own!

PHYLLISDon't!  How dare you?  Oh, but perhaps you're the two

PHYLLISnoblemen I'm engaged to?

LORD MOUNTARARATI am one of them.

LORD TOLL.I am the other.

PHYLLISOh, then, my darling!  (to Lord Mountararat).

PHYLLISMy own!

PHYLLIS(to Lord Tolloller).

PHYLLISWell, have you settled which it's to be?

LORD TOLL.Not altogether.

LORD TOLL.It's a difficult position.

LORD TOLL.It

LORD TOLL.would be hardly delicate to toss up.

LORD TOLL.On the whole we would rather

leave it to you.

PHYLLISHow can it possibly concern me?  You are both EarIs,

PHYLLISand you are both rich, and you are both plain.

LORD MOUNTARARATSo we are.

LORD MOUNTARARATAt least I am.

LORD TOLL.So am I.

LORD MOUNTARARATNo, no!

LORD TOLL.I am indeed.

LORD TOLL.Very plain.

LORD MOUNTARARATWell, well—perhaps you are.

PHYLLISThere's really nothing to choose between you.

PHYLLISIf one

PHYLLISof you would forgo his title, and distribute his estates among his

PHYLLISIrish tenantry, why, then, I should then see a reason for accepting

PHYLLISthe other.

LORD MOUNTARARATTolloller, are you prepared to make this

LORD MOUNTARARATsacrifice?

LORD TOLL.No!

LORD MOUNTARARATNot even to oblige a lady?

LORD TOLL.No! not even to oblige a lady.

LORD MOUNTARARATThen, the only question is, which of us shall

LORD MOUNTARARATgive way to the other?  Perhaps, on the whole, she would be happier

LORD MOUNTARARATwith me.

LORD MOUNTARARATI don't know.

LORD MOUNTARARATI may be wrong.

LORD TOLL.No.

LORD TOLL.I don't know that you are.

LORD TOLL.I really believe

LORD TOLL.she would.

LORD TOLL.But the awkward part of the thing is that if you rob me

LORD TOLL.of the girl of my heart, we must fight, and one of us must die.

LORD TOLL.It's a family tradition that I have sworn to respect.

LORD TOLL.It's a

LORD TOLL.painful position, for I have a very strong regard for you, George.

LORD MOUNTARARAT(much affected).

LORD MOUNTARARATMy dear Thomas!

LORD TOLL.You are very dear to me, George.

LORD TOLL.We were boys

LORD TOLL.together—at least I was.

LORD TOLL.If I were to survive you, my existence

LORD TOLL.would be hopelessly embittered.

LORD MOUNTARARATThen, my dear Thomas, you must not do it.

LORD MOUNTARARATI say

LORD MOUNTARARATit again and again—if it will have this effect upon you, you must

LORD MOUNTARARATnot do it.

LORD MOUNTARARATNo, no.

LORD MOUNTARARATIf one of us is to destroy the other, let it

LORD MOUNTARARATbe me!

LORD TOLL.No, no!

LORD MOUNTARARATAh, yes!—by our boyish friendship I implore you!

LORD TOLL.(much moved).

LORD TOLL.Well, well, be it so.

LORD TOLL.But,

LORD TOLL.no—no!—I cannot consent to an act which would crush you with

LORD TOLL.unavaillng remorse.

LORD MOUNTARARATBut it would not do so.

LORD MOUNTARARATI should be very sad at

LORD MOUNTARARATfirst—oh, who would not be?—but it would wear off.

LORD MOUNTARARATI like you

LORD MOUNTARARATvery much—but not, perhaps, as much as you like me.

LORD TOLL.George, you're a noble fellow, but that tell-tale

LORD TOLL.tear betrays you.

LORD TOLL.No, George; you are very fond of me, and I

LORD TOLL.cannot consent to give you a week's uneasiness on my account.

LORD MOUNTARARATBut, dear Thomas, it would not last a week!

LORD MOUNTARARATRemember, you lead the House of Lords!  On your demise I shall take

LORD MOUNTARARATyour place!  Oh, Thomas, it would not last a day!

PHYLLIS(coming down).

PHYLLISNow, I do hope you're not going to fight

PHYLLISabout me, because it's really not worth while.

LORD TOLL.(looking at her).

LORD TOLL.Well, I don't believe it is!

LORD MOUNTARARATNor I.

LORD MOUNTARARATThe sacred ties of Friendship are

LORD MOUNTARARATparamount.

LORD MOUNTARARATLORD TOLLOLLER, PHYLLIS, and PRIVATE WILLIS.

LORD TOLL.Though p'r'aps I may incur your blame,

LORD TOLL.The things are few

LORD TOLL.I would not do

LORD TOLL.In Friendship's name!

LORD MOUNTARARATAnd I may say I think the same;

LORD MOUNTARARATNot even love

LORD MOUNTARARATShould rank above

LORD MOUNTARARATTrue Friendship's name!

PHYLLISThen free me, pray; be mine the blame;

PHYLLISForget your craze

PHYLLISAnd go your ways

PHYLLISIn Friendship's name!

ALLOh, many a man, in Friendship's name,

ALLHas yielded fortune, rank, and fame!

ALLBut no one yet, in the world so wide,

ALLHas yielded up a promised bride!

WILLISAccept, O Friendship, all the same,

ALLThis sacrifice to thy dear name!

(Exeunt Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller, lovingly, in one

ALLdirection, and Phyllis in another.

Exit Sentry)

Enter Lord Chancellor, very miserable

LORD CHANCELLORLove, unrequited, robs me of my rest:

LORD CHANCELLORLove, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers:

LORD CHANCELLORLove, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest,

LORD CHANCELLORAnd weaves itself into my midnight slumbers!

LORD CHANCELLORWhen you're lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose is

LORD CHANCELLORtaboo'd by anxiety,

LORD CHANCELLORI conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in,

LORD CHANCELLORwithout impropriety;

LORD CHANCELLORFor your brain is on fire—the bedclothes conspire of usual

LORD CHANCELLORslumber to plunder you:

LORD CHANCELLORFirst your counterpane goes, and uncovers your toes, and your

LORD CHANCELLORsheet slips demurely from under you;

LORD CHANCELLORThen the blanketing tickles—you feel like mixed pickles—so

LORD CHANCELLORterribly sharp is the pricking,

LORD CHANCELLORAnd you're hot, and you're cross, and you tumble and toss till

LORD CHANCELLORthere's nothing 'twixt you and the ticking.

LORD CHANCELLORThen the bedclothes all creep to the ground in a heap, and you

LORD CHANCELLORpick 'em all up in a tangle;

LORD CHANCELLORNext your pillow resigns and politely declines to remain at its

LORD CHANCELLORusual angle!

LORD CHANCELLORWell, you get some repose in the form of a doze, with hot

LORD CHANCELLOReye-balls and head ever aching.

LORD CHANCELLORBut your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams that you'd

LORD CHANCELLORvery much better be waking;

LORD CHANCELLORFor you dream you are crossing the Channel, and tossing about in

LORD CHANCELLORa steamer from Harwich—

LORD CHANCELLORWhich is something between a large bathing machine and a very

LORD CHANCELLORsmall second-class carriage—

LORD CHANCELLORAnd you're giving a treat (penny ice and cold meat) to a party of

LORD CHANCELLORfriends and relations—

LORD CHANCELLORThey're a ravenous horde—and they all came on board at Sloane

LORD CHANCELLORSquare and South Kensington Stations.

LORD CHANCELLORAnd bound on that journey you find your attorney (who started  that

LORD CHANCELLORmorning from Devon);

LORD CHANCELLORHe's a bit undersized, and you don't feel surprised when he tells

LORD CHANCELLORyou he's only eleven.

LORD CHANCELLORWell, you're driving like mad with this singular lad (by the by,

LORD CHANCELLORthe ship's now a four-wheeler),

LORD CHANCELLORAnd you're playing round games, and he calls you bad names when

LORD CHANCELLORyou tell him that "ties pay the dealer";

But this you can't stand, so you throw up your hand, and you find

LORD CHANCELLORyou're as cold as an icicle,

LORD CHANCELLORIn your shirt and your socks (the black silk with gold clocks),

LORD CHANCELLORcrossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle:

LORD CHANCELLORAnd he and the crew are on bicycles too—which they've somehow   or

LORD CHANCELLORother invested in—

LORD CHANCELLORAnd he's telling the tars all the particulars of a company he's

LORD CHANCELLORinterested in—

LORD CHANCELLORIt's a scheme of devices, to get at low prices all goods from

LORD CHANCELLORcough mixtures to cables

LORD CHANCELLOR(Which tickled the sailors), by treating retailers as though they

LORD CHANCELLORwere all vegetables—

LORD CHANCELLORYou get a good spadesman to plant a small tradesman (first take

LORD CHANCELLORoff his boots with a boot-tree),

LORD CHANCELLORAnd his legs will take root, and his fingers will shoot, and

LORD CHANCELLORthey'll blossom and bud like a fruit-tree—

LORD CHANCELLORFrom the greengrocer tree you get grapes and green pea,

LORD CHANCELLORcauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries,

LORD CHANCELLORWhile the pastrycook plant cherry brandy will grant, apple puffs,

LORD CHANCELLORand three corners, and Banburys—

LORD CHANCELLORThe shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken by Rothschild

LORD CHANCELLORand Baring,

LORD CHANCELLORAnd just as a few are allotted to you, you awake with a shudder

LORD CHANCELLORdespairing—

LORD CHANCELLORYou're a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck, and no wonder

LORD CHANCELLORyou snore, for your head's on the floor, and you've needles and

LORD CHANCELLORpins from your soles to your shins, and your flesh is a-creep, for

LORD CHANCELLORyour left leg's asleep, and you've cramp in your toes, and a fly on

LORD CHANCELLORyour nose, and some fluff in your lung, and a feverish tongue, and

LORD CHANCELLORa thirst that's intense, and a general sense that you haven't been

LORD CHANCELLORsleeping in clover;

LORD CHANCELLORBut the darkness has passed, and it's daylight at last, and the

LORD CHANCELLORnight has been long—ditto ditto my song—and thank goodness

LORD CHANCELLORthey're both of them over!

(Lord Chancellor falls exhausted on

LORD CHANCELLORa seat)

Enter Lords Mountararat and Tolloller

LORD MOUNTARARATI am much distressed to see your Lordship in this

LORD MOUNTARARATcondition.

LORD CH.Ah, my Lords, it is seldom that a Lord Chancellor

LORD CH.has reason to envy the position of another, but I am free to

LORD CH.confess that I would rather be two Earls engaged to Phyllis than

LORD CH.any other half-dozen noblemen upon the face of the globe.

LORD TOLL.(without enthusiasm).

LORD TOLL.Yes.

LORD TOLL.It's an enviable

LORD TOLL.position when you're the only one.

LORD MOUNTARARATOh yes, no doubt—most enviable.

LORD MOUNTARARATAt the same

LORD MOUNTARARATtime, seeing you thus, we naturally say to ourselves, "This is very

LORD MOUNTARARATsad.

LORD MOUNTARARATHis Lordship is constitutionally as blithe as a bird—he

LORD MOUNTARARATtrills upon the bench like a thing of song and gladness.

LORD MOUNTARARATHis

LORD MOUNTARARATseries of judgements in F sharp minor, given andante in six-eight

LORD MOUNTARARATtime, are among the most remarkable effects ever produced in a

LORD MOUNTARARATCourt of Chancery.

LORD MOUNTARARATHe is, perhaps, the only living instance of a

LORD MOUNTARARATjudge whose decrees have received the honour of a double encore.

LORD MOUNTARARATHow can we bring ourselves to do that which will deprive the Court

LORD MOUNTARARATof Chancery of one of its most attractive features?"

LORD CH.I feel the force of your remarks, but I am here in

LORD CH.two capacities, and they clash, my Lords, they clash!  I deeply

LORD CH.grieve to say that in declining to entertain my last application to

LORD CH.myself, I presumed to address myself in terms which render it

LORD CH.impossible for me ever to apply to myself again.

LORD CH.It was a most

LORD CH.painful scene, my Lords—most painful!

LORD TOLL.This is what it is to have two capacities!  Let us

LORD TOLL.be thankful that we are persons of no capacity whatever.

LORD MOUNTARARATCome, come.

LORD MOUNTARARATRemember you are a very just and

LORD MOUNTARARATkindly old gentleman, and you need have no hesitation in

LORD MOUNTARARATapproaching yourself, so that you do so respectfully and with a

LORD MOUNTARARATproper show of deference.

LORD CH.Do you really think so?

LORD MOUNTARARATI do.

LORD CH.Well, I will nerve myself to another effort, and,

LORD CH.if that fails, I resign myself to my fate!

LORD CH.TRIO—LORD CHANCELLOR, LORDS MOUNTARARAT and TOLLOLLER.

LORD MOUNTARARATIf you go in

LORD MOUNTARARATYou're sure to win—

LORD MOUNTARARATYours will be the charming maidie:

LORD MOUNTARARATBe your law

LORD MOUNTARARATThe ancient saw,

LORD MOUNTARARAT"Faint heart never won fair lady!"

ALLNever, never, never,

ALLFaint heart never won fair lady!

ALLEvery journey has an end—

ALLWhen at the worst affairs will mend—

ALLDark the dawn when day is nigh—

ALLHustle your horse and don't say die!

LORD TOLL.He who shies

LORD TOLL.At such a prize

LORD TOLL.Is not worth a maravedi,

LORD TOLL.Be so kind

LORD TOLL.To bear in mind—

LORD TOLL.Faint heart never won fair lady!

ALLNever, never, never,

ALLFaint heart never won fair lady!

ALLWhile the sun shines make your hay—

ALLWhere a will is, there's a way—

ALLBeard the lion in his lair—

ALLNone but the brave deserve the fair!

LORD CH.I'll take heart

LORD CH.And make a start—

LORD CH.Though I fear the prospect's shady—

LORD CH.Much I'd spend

LORD CH.To gain my end—

LORD CH.Faint heart never won fair lady!

ALLNever, never, never,

ALLFaint heart never won fair lady!

ALLNothing venture, nothing win—

ALLBlood is thick, but water's thin—

ALLIn for a penny, in for a pound—

ALLIt's Love that makes the world go round!

(Dance, and exeunt arm-in-arm

ALLtogether)

Enter Strephon, in very low spirits

[The following song was deleted from production]

ALLFold your flapping wings,

ALLSoaring legislature.

ALLStoop to little things,

ALLStoop to human nature.

ALLNever need to roam

ALLmembers patriotic.

ALLLet's begin at home,

ALLCrime is no exotic.

ALLBitter is your bane

ALLTerrible your trials

ALLDingy Drury Lane

ALLSoapless Seven Dials.

Take a tipsy lout

ALLGathered from the gutter,

ALLHustle him about,

ALLStrap him to a shutter.

ALLWhat am I but he,

ALLWashed at hours stated.

ALLFed on filagree,

ALLClothed and educated

ALLHe's a mark of scorn

ALLI might be another

ALLIf I had been born

ALLOf a tipsy mother.

Take a wretched thief,

ALLThrough the city sneaking.

ALLPocket handkerchief

ALLEver, ever seeking.

ALLWhat is he but I

ALLRobbed of all my chances

ALLPicking pockets by

ALLforce of circumstances

ALLI might be as bad,

ALLAs unlucky, rather,

ALLIf I'd only had,

ALLFagin for a father.

STREPHONI suppose one ought to enjoy oneself in Parliament,

STREPHONwhen one leads both Parties, as I do!  But I'm miserable, poor,

STREPHONbroken-hearted fool that I am!  Oh Phyllis, Phyllis!—

Enter Phyllis

PHYLLISYes.

STREPHON(surprised).

STREPHONPhyllis!  But I suppose I should say "My

STREPHONLady.

STREPHON"  I have not yet been informed which title your ladyship has

STREPHONpleased to select?

PHYLLISI—I haven't quite decided.

PHYLLISYou see, I have no mother

PHYLLISto advise me!

STREPHONNo.

STREPHONI have.

PHYLLISYes; a young mother.

STREPHONNot very—a couple of centuries or so.

PHYLLISOh!  She wears well.

STREPHONShe does.

STREPHONShe's a fairy.

PHYLLISI beg your pardon—a what?

STREPHONOh, I've no longer any reason to conceal the

STREPHONfact—she's a fairy.

PHYLLISA fairy!  Well, but—that would account for a good many

PHYLLISthings!  Then—I suppose you're a fairy?

STREPHONI'm half a fairy.

PHYLLISWhich half?

STREPHONThe upper half—down to the waistcoat.

PHYLLISDear me!  (Prodding him with her fingers)  There is

PHYLLISnothing to show it!

STREPHONDon't do that.

PHYLLISBut why didn't you tell me this before?

I thought you would take a dislike to me.

STREPHONBut as

STREPHONit's all off, you may as well know the truth—I'm only half a

STREPHONmortal!

PHYLLIS(crying).

PHYLLISBut I'd rather have half a mortal I do love,

PHYLLISthan half a dozen I don't!

STREPHONOh, I think not—go to your half-dozen.

PHYLLIS(crying).

PHYLLISIt's only two! and I hate 'em!  Please

PHYLLISforgive me!

STREPHONI don't think I ought to.

STREPHONBesides, all sorts of

STREPHONdifficulties will arise.

STREPHONYou know, my grandmother looks quite as

STREPHONyoung as my mother.

STREPHONSo do all my aunts.

PHYLLISI quite understand.

Whenever I see you kissing a very

PHYLLISyoung lady, I shall know it's an elderly relative.

STREPHONYou will?  Then, Phyllis, I think we shall be very

STREPHONhappy!  (Embracing her)

PHYLLISWe won't wait long.

STREPHONNo.

STREPHONWe might change our minds.

STREPHONWe'll get married

STREPHONfirst.

PHYLLISAnd change our minds afterwards?

STREPHONThat's the usual course.

STREPHONDUET—STREPHON and PHYLLIS.

STREPHONIf we're weak enough to tarry

STREPHONEre we marry,

STREPHONYou and I,

STREPHONOf the feeling I inspire

STREPHONYou may tire

STREPHONBy and by.

STREPHONFor peers with flowing coffers

STREPHONPress their offers—

STREPHONThat is why

STREPHONI am sure we should not tarry

STREPHONEre we marry,

STREPHONYou and I!

PHYLLISIf we're weak enough to tarry

PHYLLISEre we marry,

PHYLLISYou and I,

PHYLLISWith a more attractive maiden,

PHYLLISJewel-laden,

PHYLLISYou may fly.

PHYLLISIf by chance we should be parted,

PHYLLISBroken-hearted

PHYLLISI should die—

PHYLLISSo I think we will not tarry

PHYLLISEre we marry,

PHYLLISYou and I.

PHYLLISBut does your mother know you're—I mean, is she aware

PHYLLISof our engagement?

Enter Iolanthe

IOLANTHEShe is; and thus she welcomes her daughter-in-law!

Kisses her

PHYLLISShe kisses just like other people!  But the Lord

PHYLLISChancellor?

STREPHONI forgot him!  Mother, none can resist your fairy

STREPHONeloquence; you will go to him and plead for us?

IOLANTHE(much agitated).

IOLANTHENo, no; impossible!

STREPHONBut our happiness—our very lives—depend upon our

STREPHONobtaining his consent!

PHYLLISOh, madam, you cannot refuse to do this!

IOLANTHEYou know not what you ask!  The Lord Chancellor is—my

IOLANTHEhusband!

STREPHONand PHYL.

STREPHONYour husband!

IOLANTHEMy husband and your father!  (Addressing Strephon, who

IOLANTHEis much moved)

PHYLLISThen our course is plain; on his learning that

PHYLLISStrephon is his son, all objection to our marriage will be at once

PHYLLISremoved!

IOLANTHENo; he must never know!  He believes me to have died

IOLANTHEchildless, and, dearly as I love him, I am bound, under penalty of

IOLANTHEdeath, not to undeceive him.

IOLANTHEBut see—he comes!  Quick—my veil!

IOLANTHE(Iolanthe veils herself.

IOLANTHEStrephon and Phyllis go off on tiptoe)

Enter Lord Chancellor

LORD CH.Victory!  Victory!  Success has crowned my efforts,

LORD CH.and I may consider myself engaged to Phyllis!  At first I wouldn't

LORD CH.hear of it—it was out of the question.

LORD CH.But I took heart.

Ipointed out to myself that I was no stranger to myself; that, in

point of fact, I had been personally acquainted with myself for

Isome years.

IThis had its effect.

II admitted that I had watched my

Iprofessional advancement with considerable interest, and I

Ihandsomely added that I yielded to no one in admiration for my

Iprivate and professional virtues.

This was a great point gained.

II then endeavoured to work upon my feelings.

IConceive my joy when

II distinctly perceived a tear glistening in my own eye!

IEventually, after a severe struggle with myself, I

Ireluctantly—most reluctantly—consented.

I(Iolanthe comes down

Iveiled)

RECITATIVE—IOLANTHE (kneeling).

My lord, a suppliant at your feet I kneel,

IOh, listen to a mother's fond appeal!

IHear me to-night!  I come in urgent need—

I'Tis for my son, young Strephon, that I plead!

IOLANTHEHe loves!  If in the bygone years

IOLANTHEThine eyes have ever shed

IOLANTHETears—bitter, unavailing tears,

IOLANTHEFor one untimely dead—

IOLANTHEIf, in the eventide of life,

IOLANTHESad thoughts of her arise,

IOLANTHEThen let the memory of thy wife

IOLANTHEPlead for my boy—he dies!

IOLANTHEHe dies!  If fondly laid aside

IOLANTHEIn some old cabinet,

IOLANTHEMemorials of thy long-dead bride

IOLANTHELie, dearly treasured yet,

IOLANTHEThen let her hallowed bridal dress—

IOLANTHEHer little dainty gloves—

IOLANTHEHer withered flowers—her faded tress—

IOLANTHEPlead for my boy—he loves!

IOLANTHE(The Lord Chancellor is moved by this appeal.

IOLANTHEAfter a pause)

LORD CH.It may not be—for so the fates decide!

LORD CH.Learn thou that Phyllis is my promised bride.

IOLANTHE(in horror).

IOLANTHEThy bride!  No! no!

LORD CH.It shall be so!

LORD CH.Those who would separate us woe betide!

IOLANTHEMy doom thy lips have spoken—

IOLANTHEI plead in vain!

IOLANTHECHORUS OF FAIRIES (without).

IOLANTHEForbear! forbear!

IOLANTHEA vow already broken

IOLANTHEI break again!

IOLANTHECHORUS OF FAIRIES (without).

IOLANTHEForbear! forbear!

IOLANTHEFor him—for her—for thee

IOLANTHEI yield my life.

IOLANTHEBehold—it may not be!

IOLANTHEI am thy wife.

IOLANTHECHORUS OF FAIRIES (without).

IOLANTHEAiaiah! Aiaiah! Willaloo!

LORD CH.(recognizing her).

LORD CH.Iolanthe! thou livest?

IOLANTHEAye!

IOLANTHEI live!  Now let me die!

(Enter Fairy Queen and Fairies.

Iolanthe kneels to her)

QUEENOnce again thy vows are broken:

QUEENThou thyself thy doom hast spoken!

CHORUS OF FAIRIESAiaiah! Aiaiah!

CHORUS OF FAIRIESWillahalah! Willaloo!

QUEENBow thy head to Destiny:

QUEENDeath thy doom, and thou shalt die!

CHORUS OF FAIRIESAiaiah! Aiaiah! etc.

(Peers and Sentry enter.

CHORUS OF FAIRIESThe Queen raises her spear)

LEILAHold!  If Iolanthe must die, so must we all; for, as

LEILAshe has sinned, so have we!

QUEENWhat?

CELIAWe are all fairy duchesses, marchionesses, countesses,

CELIAviscountesses, and baronesses.

LORD MOUNTARARATIt's our fault.

LORD MOUNTARARATThey couldn't help themselves.

QUEENIt seems they have helped themselves, and pretty

QUEENfreely, too!  (After a pause)  You have all incurred death; but I

QUEENcan't slaughter the whole company!  And yet (unfolding a scroll)

QUEENthe law is clear—every fairy must die who marries a mortal!

LORD CH.Allow me, as an old Equity draftsman, to make a

LORD CH.suggestion.

LORD CH.The subtleties of the legal mind are equal to the

LORD CH.emergency.

LORD CH.The thing is really quite simple—the insertion of a

LORD CH.single word will do it.

LORD CH.Let it stand that every fairy shall die

LORD CH.who doesn't marry a mortal, and there you are, out of your

LORD CH.difficulty at once!

QUEENWe like your humour.

QUEENVery well!  (Altering the MS.

QUEENin

QUEENpencil)  Private Willis!

QUEENSENTRY (coming forward).

QUEENMa'am!

QUEENTo save my life, it is necessary that I marry at once.

QUEENHow should you like to be a fairy guardsman?

SENTRYWell, ma'am, I don't think much of the British

SENTRYsoldier who wouldn't ill-convenience himself to save a female in

SENTRYdistress.

QUEENYou are a brave fellow.

QUEENYou're a fairy from this

QUEENmoment.

QUEEN(Wings spring from Sentry's shoulders)  And you, my

QUEENLords, how say you, will you join our ranks?

(Fairies kneel to Peers and implore them to

QUEENdo so)

Phyllis and Strephon enter

LORD MOUNTARARAT(to Lord Tolloller).

LORD MOUNTARARATWell, now that the Peers are

LORD MOUNTARARATto be recruited entirely from persons of intelligence, I really

LORD MOUNTARARATdon't see what use we are, down here, do you, Tolloller?

LORD TOLL.None whatever.

QUEENGood!  (Wings spring from shoulders of Peers)  Then

QUEENaway we go to Fairyland.

PHYLLISSoon as we may,

PHYLLISOff and away!

PHYLLISWe'll commence our journey airy—

PHYLLISHappy are we—

PHYLLISAs you can see,

PHYLLISEvery one is now a fairy!

ALLEvery, every, every,

ALLEvery one is now a fairy!

IOLANTHE, QUEEN,   Though as a general rule we know

IOLANTHEand PHYL.

IOLANTHETwo strings go to every bow,

IOLANTHEMake up your minds that grief 'twill bring

IOLANTHEIf you've two beaux to every string.

ALLThough as a general rule, etc.

LORDCHUp in the sky,

LORDCHEver so high,

LORDCHPleasures come in endless series;

LORDCHWe will arrange

LORDCHHappy exchange—

LORDCHHouse of Peers for House of Peris!

ALLPeris, Peris, Peris,

ALLHouse of Peers for House of Peris!

LORDS CH,          Up in the air, sky-high, sky-high,

LORD MOUNTARARAT,             Free from Wards in Chancery,

LORD MOUNTARARATand TOLL.

LORD MOUNTARARATI/He will be surely happier, for

LORD MOUNTARARATI'm/He's such a susceptible Chancellor.

ALLUp in the air, etc.