The Gondoliers

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The Gondoliers Libretto

THE KING OF BARATARIALibretto by William S.

THE KING OF BARATARIAGilbert

THE KING OF BARATARIAMusic by Arthur S.

THE KING OF BARATARIASullivan

DRAMATIS PERSONAETHE DUKE OF PLAZA-TORO (a Grandee of Spain)

DRAMATIS PERSONAELUIZ (his attendant)

DRAMATIS PERSONAEDON ALHAMBRA DEL BOLERO (the Grand Inquisitioner)

DRAMATIS PERSONAEVenetian Gondoliers

DUCHESSCASILDA (her Daughter)

DUCHESSContadine

GIULIAINEZ (the King's Foster-mother)

GIULIAChorus of Gondoliers and Contadine, Men-at-Arms, Heralds and

GIULIAPages

SYSTEMACT I

GIULIAThe Piazzetta, Venice

SYSTEMACT II

GIULIAPavilion in the Palace of Barataria

GIULIA(An interval of three months is supposed to elapse between Acts I

GIULIAand II)

SYSTEMACT I

SYSTEMScene.

DATE— the Piazzetta, Venice.

DATEThe Ducal Palace on the right.

DATEFiametta, Giulia, Vittoria, and other Contadine discovered, each

DATEtying a bouquet of roses.

CHORUSList and learn, ye dainty roses,

CHORUSRoses white and roses red,

CHORUSWhy we bind you into posies

CHORUSEre your morning bloom has fled.

CHORUSBy a law of maiden's making,

CHORUSAccents of a heart that's aching,

CHORUSEven though that heart be breaking,

CHORUSShould by maiden be unsaid:

CHORUSThough they love with love exceeding,

CHORUSThey must seem to be unheeding—

CHORUSGo ye then and do their pleading,

CHORUSRoses white and roses red!

FIAMETTATwo there are for whom in duty,

Every maid in Venice sighs—

FIAMETTATwo so peerless in their beauty

FIAMETTAThat they shame the summer skies.

FIAMETTAWe have hearts for them, in plenty,

FIAMETTAThey have hearts, but all too few,

FIAMETTAWe, alas, are four-and-twenty!

FIAMETTAThey, alas, are only two!

FIAMETTAWe, alas!

CHORUSAlas!

FIAMETTAAre four-and-twenty,

FIAMETTAThey, alas!

CHORUSAlas!

FIAMETTAAre only two.

CHORUSThey, alas, are only two, alas!

CHORUSNow ye know, ye dainty roses,

CHORUSRoses white and roses red,

CHORUSWhy we bind you into posies,

CHORUSEre your morning bloom has fled,

CHORUSRoses white and roses red!

CHORUS(During this chorus Antonio, Francesco, Giorgio, and other

CHORUSGondoliers have entered unobserved by the Girls—at first two,

CHORUSthen two more, then four, then half a dozen, then the remainder

CHORUSof the Chorus)

FRANC.Good morrow, pretty maids; for whom prepare ye

FRANC.These floral tributes extraordinary?

FIAMETTAFor Marco and Giuseppe Palmieri,

FIAMETTAThe pink and flower of all the Gondolieri.

GIUSEPPEThey're coming here, as we have heard but lately,

GIUSEPPETo choose two brides from us who sit sedately.

ANTONIODo all you maidens love them?

ALLPassionately!

ANTONIOThese gondoliers are to be envied greatly!

GIOR.But what of us, who one and all adore you?

GIOR.Have pity on our passion, we implore you!

FIAMETTAThese gentlemen must make their choice before you;

VIT.In the meantime we tacitly ignore you.

When they have chosen two that leaves you plenty—

GIUSEPPETwo dozen we, and ye are four-and-twenty.

FIAMETTAand VIT.

FIAMETTATill then, enjoy your dolce far niente.

ANTONIOWith pleasure, nobody contradicente!

ANTONIOSONG—ANTONIO and CHORUS.

ANTONIOFor the merriest fellows are we, tra la,

ANTONIOThat ply on the emerald sea, tra la;

With loving and laughing,

ANTONIOAnd quipping and quaffing,

ANTONIOWe're happy as happy can be, tra la—

With loving and laughing, etc.

ANTONIOWith sorrow we've nothing to do, tra la,

ANTONIOAnd care is a thing to pooh-pooh, tra la;

ANTONIOAnd Jealousy yellow,

ANTONIOUnfortunate fellow,

ANTONIOWe drown in the shimmering blue, tra la—

ANTONIOAnd Jealousy yellow, etc.

FIAMETTA(looking off).

FIAMETTASee, see, at last they come to make their

FIAMETTAchoice—

FIAMETTALet us acclaim them with united voice.

Marco and Giuseppe appear in gondola at back

FIAMETTACHORUS (Girls).

FIAMETTAHail, hail! gallant gondolieri, ben venuti!

FIAMETTAAccept our love, our homage, and our duty.

FIAMETTABen' venuti! ben' venuti!

Marco and Giuseppe jump ashore—the Girls salute them

FIAMETTADUET—MARCO and GIUSEPPE, with CHORUS OF GIRLS.

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.Buon' giorno, signorine!

GIRLSGondolieri carissimi!

GIRLSSiamo contadine!

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.(bowing).

MAR.Servitori umilissimi!

MAR.Per chi questi fiori—

MAR.Questi fiori bellissimi?

GIRLSPer voi, bei signori

GIRLSO eccellentissimi!

GIRLS(The Girls present their bouquets to Marco and Giuseppe, who are

GIRLSoverwhelmed with them, and carry them with difficulty)

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.(their arms full of flowers).

MAR.O ciel'! O ciel'!

GIRLSBuon' giorno, cavalieri!

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.(deprecatingly).

MAR.Siamo gondolieri.

MAR.(To Fia.

MAR.and Vit) Signorina, io t' amo!

GIRLS(deprecatingly).

GIRLSContadine siamo.

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.Signorine!

MAR.GIRLS (deprecatingly).

MAR.Contadine!

MAR.(Curtseying to Mar.

MAR.and Giu) Cavalieri.

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.(deprecatingly).

MAR.Gondolieri!

MAR.Poveri gondolieri!

CHORUSBuon' giorno, signorine, etc.

CHORUSDUET—MARCO and GIUSEPPE.

CHORUSWe're called gondolieri,

CHORUSBut that's a vagary,

CHORUSIt's quite honorary

CHORUSThe trade that we ply.

CHORUSFor gallantry noted

CHORUSSince we were short-coated,

CHORUSTo beauty devoted,

CHORUSGiuseppe\Are Marco and I;

CHORUSWhen morning is breaking,

CHORUSOur couches forsaking,

CHORUSTo greet their awaking

CHORUSWith carols we come.

CHORUSAt summer day's nooning,

CHORUSWhen weary lagooning,

CHORUSOur mandolins tuning,

CHORUSWe lazily thrum.

CHORUSWhen vespers are ringing,

CHORUSTo hope ever clinging,

CHORUSWith songs of our singing

CHORUSA vigil we keep,

CHORUSWhen daylight is fading,

CHORUSEnwrapt in night's shading,

CHORUSWith soft serenading

CHORUSWe sing them to sleep.

CHORUSWe're called gondolieri, etc.

CHORUSRECITATIVE—MARCO and GIUSEPPE.

MAR.And now to choose our brides!

GIUSEPPEAs all are young and fair,

GIUSEPPEAnd amiable besides,

BOTHWe really do not care

BOTHA preference to declare.

MAR.A bias to disclose

MAR.Would be indelicate—

GIUSEPPEAnd therefore we propose

GIUSEPPETo let impartial Fate

GIUSEPPESelect for us a mate!

ALLViva!

GIRLSA bias to disclose

GIRLSWould be indelicate—

MENBut how do they propose

MENTo let impartial Fate

MENSelect for them a mate?

GIUSEPPEThese handkerchiefs upon our eyes be good enough to

GIUSEPPEbind,

MAR.And take good care that both of us are absolutely

MAR.blind;

Then turn us round—and we, with all convenient

BOTHdespatch,

BOTHWill undertake to marry any two of you we catch!

ALLViva!

ALLThey undertake to marry any two of us\them they catch!

The Girls prepare to bind their eyes as directed

FIAMETTA(to Marco).

FIAMETTAAre you peeping?

FIAMETTACan you see me?

MAR.Dark I'm keeping,

MAR.Dark and dreamy!

MAR.(Marco slyly lifts

MAR.bandage)

VIT.(to Giuseppe).

VIT.If you're blinded

VIT.Truly, say so

GIUSEPPEAll right-minded

GIUSEPPEPlayers play so!

GIUSEPPE(slyly lifts bandage).

FIAMETTA(detecting Marco).

FIAMETTAConduct shady!

FIAMETTAThey are cheating!

FIAMETTASurely they de-

FIAMETTAServe a beating!

FIAMETTA(replaces bandage).

VIT.(detecting Giuseppe).

VIT.This too much is;

VIT.Maidens mocking—

VIT.Conduct such is

VIT.Truly shocking!

VIT.(replaces bandage).

ALLYou can spy, sir!

ALLShut your eye, sir!

ALLYou may use it by and by, sir!

ALLYou can see, sir!

ALLDon't tell me, sir!

ALLThat will do—now let it be, sir!

CHORUSMy papa he keeps three horses,

CHORUSBlack, and white, and dapple grey, sir;

Turn three times, then take your courses,

CHORUSCatch whichever girl you may, sir!

MENMy papa, etc.

(Marco and Giuseppe turn round, as directed, and try to catch the

MENgirls.

MENBusiness of blind-man's buff.

MENEventually Marco catches

MENGianetta, and Giuseppe catches Tessa.

MENThe two girls try to

escape, but in vain.

MENThe two men pass their hands over the

MENgirls' faces to discover their identity)

GIUSEPPEI've at length achieved a capture!

GIUSEPPE(Guessing) This is Tessa! (removes bandage).

GIUSEPPERapture,

GIUSEPPErapture!

CHORUSRapture, rapture!

MAR.(guessing).

MAR.To me Gianetta fate has granted!

MAR.(removes bandage).

MAR.Just the very girl I wanted!

CHORUSJust the very girl he wanted!

GIUSEPPE(politely to Mar).

GIUSEPPEIf you'd rather change—

TESSAMy goodness!

TESSAThis indeed is simple rudeness.

MAR.(politely to Giu).

MAR.I've no preference whatever—

GIANETTAListen to him! Well, I never!

Each man kisses each girl

GIANETTAThank you, gallant gondolieri!

GIANETTAIn a set and formal measure

GIANETTAIt is scarcely necessary

GIANETTATo express our pleasure.

GIANETTAEach of us to prove a treasure,

GIANETTAConjugal and monetary,

GIANETTAGladly will devote our leisure,

GIANETTAGay and gallant gondolieri.

GIANETTATra, la, la, la, la, la, etc.

TESSAGay and gallant gondolieri,

TESSATake us both and hold us tightly,

TESSAYou have luck extraordinary;

TESSAWe might both have been unsightly!

TESSAIf we judge your conduct rightly,

TESSA'Twas a choice involuntary;

TESSAStill we thank you most politely,

TESSAGay and gallant gondolieri!

TESSATra, la, la, la, la, la, etc.

TESSACHORUS OF Thank you, gallant gondolieri;

GIRLSIn a set and formal measure,

GIRLSIt is scarcely necessary

GIRLSTo express our pleasure.

GIRLSEach of us to prove a treasure

GIRLSGladly will devote our leisure,

GIRLSGay and gallant gondolieri!

GIRLSTra, la, la, la, la, la, etc.

ALLFate in this has put his finger—

ALLLet us bow to Fate's decree,

ALLThen no longer let us linger,

ALLTo the altar hurry we!

ALL(They all dance off two and two—Gianetta with Marco, Tessa with

ALLGiuseppe)

ALL(Flourish.

ALLA gondola arrives at the Piazzetta steps, from which

enter the Duke of Plaza-toro, the Duchess, their daughter

ALLCasilda, and their attendant Luiz, who carries a drum.

ALLAll are

ALLdressed in pompous but old and faded clothes)

Entrance of Duke, Duchess, Casilda, and Luiz

DUKEFrom the sunny Spanish shore,

DUKEThe Duke of Plaza-Tor!—

DUCH.And His Grace's Duchess true—

CAS.And His Grace's daughter, too—

LUIZAnd His Grace's private drum

LUIZTo Venetia's shores have come:

ALLIf ever, ever, ever

ALLThey get back to Spain,

ALLThey will never, never, never

ALLCross the sea again—

DUKENeither that Grandee from the Spanish shore,

DUKEThe noble Duke of Plaza-Tor'—

DUCH.Nor His Grace's Duchess, staunch and true—

CAS.You may add, His Grace's daughter, too—

LUIZNor His Grace's own particular drum

LUIZTo Venetia's shores will come:

ALLIf ever, ever, ever

ALLThey get back to Spain,

ALLThey will never, never, never

ALLCross the sea again!

DUKEAt last we have arrived at our destination.

DUKEThis is

DUKEthe Ducal Palace, and it is here that the Grand Inquisitor

DUKEresides.

DUKEAs a Castilian hidalgo of ninety-five quarterings, I

DUKEregret that I am unable to pay my state visit on a horse.

DUKEAs a

DUKECastilian hidalgo of that description, I should have preferred to

DUKEride through the streets of Venice; but owing, I presume, to an

DUKEunusually wet season, the streets are in such a condition that

DUKEequestrian exercise is impracticable.

DUKENo matter.

DUKEWhere is our

DUKEsuite?

DUKELUIZ (coming forward).

DUKEYour Grace, I am here.

Why do you not do yourself the honour to kneel when

DUCH.you address His Grace?

DUKEMy love, it is so small a matter! (To Luiz) Still,

DUKEyou may as well do it.

Luiz kneels

CAS.The young man seems to entertain but an imperfect

CAS.appreciation of the respect due from a menial to a Castilian

CAS.hidalgo.

DUKEMy child, you are hard upon our suite.

CAS.Papa, I've no patience with the presumption of persons

CAS.in his plebeian position.

CAS.If he does not appreciate that

CAS.position, let him be whipped until he does.

DUKELet us hope the omission was not intended as a

DUKEslight.

DUKEI should be much hurt if I thought it was.

DUKESo would he.

DUKE(To Luiz) Where are the halberdiers who were to have had the

DUKEhonour of meeting us here, that our visit to the Grand Inquisitor

DUKEmight be made in becoming state?

LUIZYour Grace, the halberdiers are mercenary people who

LUIZstipulated for a trifle on account.

DUKEHow tiresome! Well, let us hope the Grand Inquisitor

DUKEis a blind gentleman.

DUKEAnd the band who were to have had the

DUKEhonour of escorting us? I see no band!

LUIZYour Grace, the band are sordid persons who required

LUIZto be paid in advance.

DUCH.That's so like a band!

DUCH.DUKE (annoyed).

DUCH.Insuperable difficulties meet me at every

DUCH.turn!

DUCH.But surely they know His Grace?

LUIZExactly—they know His Grace.

DUKEWell, let us hope that the Grand Inquisitor is a deaf

DUKEgentleman.

DUKEA cornet-a-piston would be something.

DUKEYou do not

DUKEhappen to possess the accomplishment of tootling like a

DUKEcornet-a-piston?

LUIZAlas, no, Your Grace! But I can imitate a farmyard.

LUIZDUKE (doubtfully).

LUIZI don't see how that would help us.

Idon't see how we could bring it in.

CAS.It would not help us in the least.

CAS.We are not a

CAS.parcel of graziers come to market, dolt!

CAS.(Luiz

rises)

DUKEMy love, our suite's feelings! (To Luiz) Be so

DUKEgood as to ring the bell and inform the Grand Inquisitor that his

DUKEGrace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Count Matadoro, Baron Picadoro—

DUCH.And suite—

DUKEAnd suite—have arrived at Venice, and seek—

CAS.Desire—

DUCH.Demand!

DUKEAnd demand an audience.

LUIZYour Grace has but to command.

LUIZDUKE (much moved).

LUIZI felt sure of it—I felt sure of it!

(Exit Luiz into Ducal Palace) And now, my love—(aside to

LUIZDuchess) Shall we tell her? I think so—(aloud to Casilda) And

LUIZnow, my love, prepare for a magnificent surprise.

LUIZIt is my

LUIZagreeable duty to reveal to you a secret which should make you

LUIZthe happiest young lady in Venice!

CAS.A secret?

DUCH.A secret which, for State reasons, it has been

DUCH.necessary to preserve for twenty years.

DUKEWhen you were a prattling babe of six months old you

DUKEwere married by proxy to no less a personage than the infant son

DUKEand heir of His Majesty the immeasurably wealthy King of

DUKEBarataria!

CAS.Married to the infant son of the King of Barataria?

CAS.Was I consulted? (Duke shakes his head) Then it was a most

CAS.unpardonable liberty!

DUKEConsider his extreme youth and forgive him.

DUKEShortly

DUKEafter the ceremony that misguided monarch abandoned the creed of

DUKEhis forefathers, and became a Wesleyan Methodist of the most

DUKEbigoted and persecuting type.

DUKEThe Grand Inquisitor, determined

DUKEthat the innovation should not be perpetuated in Barataria,

DUKEcaused your smiling and unconscious husband to be stolen and

DUKEconveyed to Venice.

DUKEA fortnight since the Methodist Monarch and

DUKEall his Wesleyan Court were killed in an insurrection, and we are

DUKEhere to ascertain the whereabouts of your husband, and to hail

DUKEyou, our daughter, as Her Majesty, the reigning Queen of

DUKEBarataria! (Kneels)

During this speech Luiz re-enters

DUCH.Your Majesty! (Kneels) (Drum roll)

DUKEIt is at such moments as these that one feels how

DUKEnecessary it is to travel with a full band.

CAS.I, the Queen of Barataria! But I've nothing to wear!

CAS.We are practically penniless!

That point has not escaped me.

DUKEAlthough I am

DUKEunhappily in straitened circumstances at present, my social

DUKEinfluence is something enormous; and a Company, to be called the

DUKEDuke of Plaza-Toro, Limited, is in course of formation to work

DUKEme.

DUKEAn influential directorate has been secured, and I shall

DUKEmyself join the Board after allotment.

CAS.Am I to understand that the Queen of Barataria may be

CAS.called upon at any time to witness her honoured sire in process

CAS.of liquidation?

DUCH.The speculation is not exempt from that drawback.

DUCH.If

DUCH.your father should stop, it will, of course, be necessary to wind

DUCH.him up.

CAS.But it's so undignified—it's so degrading! A Grandee

CAS.of Spain turned into a public company! Such a thing was never

CAS.heard of!

DUKEMy child, the Duke of Plaza-Toro does not follow

DUKEfashions—he leads them.

DUKEHe always leads everybody.

DUKEWhen he was

DUKEin the army he led his regiment.

DUKEHe occasionally led them into

DUKEaction.

DUKEHe invariably led them out of it.

DUKEIn enterprise of martial kind,

DUKEWhen there was any fighting,

DUKEHe led his regiment from behind—

DUKEHe found it less exciting.

DUKEBut when away his regiment ran,

DUKEHis place was at the fore, O—

DUKEThat celebrated,

DUKECultivated,

DUKEUnderrated

DUKENobleman,

DUKEThe Duke of Plaza-Toro!

ALLIn the first and foremost flight, ha, ha!

ALLYou always found that knight, ha, ha!

ALLThat celebrated,

ALLCultivated,

ALLUnderrated

ALLNobleman,

ALLThe Duke of Plaza-Toro!

DUKEWhen, to evade Destruction's hand,

To hide they all proceeded,

DUKENo soldier in that gallant band

DUKEHid half as well as he did.

DUKEHe lay concealed throughout the war,

DUKEAnd so preserved his gore, O!

DUKEThat unaffected,

DUKEUndetected,

DUKEWell-connected

DUKEWarrior,

DUKEThe Duke of Plaza-Toro!

ALLIn every doughty deed, ha, ha!

ALLHe always took the lead, ha, ha!

ALLThat unaffected,

ALLUndetected,

ALLWell-connected

ALLWarrior,

ALLThe Duke of Plaza-Toro!

DUKEWhen told that they would all be shot

DUKEUnless they left the service,

DUKEThat hero hesitated not,

DUKESo marvellous his nerve is.

DUKEHe sent his resignation in,

DUKEThe first of all his corps, O!

DUKEThat very knowing,

DUKEOverflowing,

DUKEEasy-going

DUKEPaladin,

DUKEThe Duke of Plaza-Toro!

ALLTo men of grosser clay, ha, ha!

ALLHe always showed the way, ha, ha!

ALLThat very knowing,

ALLOverflowing,

ALLEasy-going

ALLPaladin,

ALLThe Duke of Plaza-Toro!

(Exeunt Duke and Duchess into Grand Ducal Palace.

ALLAs soon as

ALLthey have disappeared, Luiz and Casilda rush to each other's

ALLarms)

LUIZO rapture, when alone together

LUIZTwo loving hearts and those that bear them

LUIZMay join in temporary tether,

LUIZThough Fate apart should rudely tear them.

CAS.Necessity, Invention's mother,

CAS.Compelled me to a course of feigning—

CAS.But, left alone with one another,

CAS.I will atone for my disdaining!

CAS.Ah, well-beloved,

CAS.Mine angry frown

CAS.Is but a gown

CAS.That serves to dress

CAS.My gentleness!

LUIZAh, well-beloved,

LUIZThy cold disdain,

LUIZIt gives no pain—

LUIZ'Tis mercy, played

LUIZIn masquerade!

BOTHAh, well-beloved, etc.

CAS.O Luiz, Luiz—what have you said? What have I done?

CAS.What have I allowed you to do?

LUIZNothing, I trust, that you will ever have reason to

LUIZrepent.

Offering to embrace her

CAS.(withdrawing from him).

CAS.Nay, Luiz, it may not be.

Ihave embraced you for the last time.

ILUIZ (amazed).

ICasilda!

CAS.I have just learnt, to my surprise and indignation,

CAS.that I was wed in babyhood to the infant son of the King of

CAS.Barataria!

LUIZThe son of the King of Barataria? The child who was

LUIZstolen in infancy by the Inquisition?

CAS.The same.

CAS.But, of course, you know his story.

LUIZKnow his story? Why, I have often told you that my

LUIZmother was the nurse to whose charge he was entrusted!

CAS.True.

CAS.I had forgotten.

CAS.Well, he has been discovered,

CAS.and my father has brought me here to claim his hand.

LUIZBut you will not recognize this marriage? It took

LUIZplace when you were too young to understand its import.

CAS.Nay, Luiz, respect my principles and cease to torture

CAS.me with vain entreaties.

CAS.Henceforth my life is another's.

LUIZBut stay—the present and the future—they are

LUIZanother's; but the past—that at least is ours, and none can take

LUIZit from us.

LUIZAs we may revel in naught else, let us revel in

LUIZthat!

CAS.I don't think I grasp your meaning.

LUIZYet it is logical enough.

LUIZYou say you cease to love

LUIZme?

CAS.(demurely).

CAS.I say I may not love you.

LUIZAh, but you do not say you did not love me?

CAS.I loved you with a frenzy that words are powerless to

CAS.express—and that but ten brief minutes since!

LUIZExactly.

LUIZMy own—that is, until ten minutes since,

LUIZmy own—my lately loved, my recently adored—tell me that until,

LUIZsay a quarter of an hour ago, I was all in all to thee!

Embracing her

CAS.I see your idea.

CAS.It's ingenious, but don't do that.

Releasing herself

LUIZThere can be no harm in revelling in the past.

None whatever, but an embrace cannot be taken to act

CAS.retrospectively.

LUIZPerhaps not!

We may recollect an embrace—I recollect many—but we

CAS.must not repeat them.

LUIZThen let us recollect a few! (A moment's pause, as

they recollect, then both heave a deep sigh)

LUIZAh, Casilda, you were to me as the sun is to the

LUIZearth!

CAS.A quarter of an hour ago?

LUIZAbout that.

CAS.And to think that, but for this miserable discovery,

CAS.you would have been my own for life!

LUIZThrough life to death—a quarter of an hour ago!

CAS.How greedily my thirsty ears would have drunk the

CAS.golden melody of those sweet words a quarter—well, it's now

CAS.about twenty minutes since.

Looking at her watch

LUIZAbout that.

LUIZIn such a matter one cannot be too

LUIZprecise.

CAS.And now our love, so full of life, is but a silent,

CAS.solemn memory!

LUIZMust it be so, Casilda?

CAS.Luiz, it must be so!

CAS.DUET—CASILDA and LUIZ.

LUIZThere was a time—

LUIZA time for ever gone—ah, woe is me!

LUIZIt was no crime

LUIZTo love but thee alone—ah, woe is me!

LUIZOne heart, one life, one soul,

LUIZOne aim, one goal—

LUIZEach in the other's thrall,

LUIZEach all in all, ah, woe is me!

BOTHOh, bury, bury—let the grave close o'er

BOTHThe days that were—that never will be more!

BOTHOh, bury, bury love that all condemn,

BOTHAnd let the whirlwind mourn its requiem!

Dead as the last year's leaves—

CAS.As gathered flowers—ah, woe is me!

CAS.Dead as the garnered sheaves,

CAS.That love of ours—ah, woe is me!

CAS.Born but to fade and die

CAS.When hope was high,

CAS.Dead and as far away

CAS.As yesterday!—ah, woe is me!

BOTHOh, bury, bury—let the grave close o'er, etc.

(Re-enter from the Ducal Palace the Duke and Duchess, followed by

BOTHDon Alhambra del Bolero, the Grand Inquisitor)

DUKEMy child, allow me to present to you His Distinction

DUKEDon Alhambra del Bolero, the Grand Inquisitor of Spain.

DUKEIt was

DUKEHis Distinction who so thoughtfully abstracted your infant

DUKEhusband and brought him to Venice.

DON ALHAMBRASo this is the little lady who is so unexpectedly

DON ALHAMBRAcalled upon to assume the functions of Royalty! And a very nice

DON ALHAMBRAlittle lady, too!

DUKEJimp, isn't she?

DON ALHAMBRADistinctly jimp.

DON ALHAMBRAAllow me! (Offers his hand.

DON ALHAMBRAShe

DON ALHAMBRAturns away scornfully) Naughty temper!

DUKEYou must make some allowance.

DUKEHer Majesty's head is

DUKEa little turned by her access of dignity.

DON ALHAMBRAI could have wished that Her Majesty's access of

DON ALHAMBRAdignity had turned it in this direction.

DUCH.Unfortunately, if I am not mistaken, there appears to

DUCH.be some little doubt as to His Majesty's whereabouts.

(aside).

CAS.A doubt as to his whereabouts? Then we may

CAS.yet be saved!

DON ALHAMBRAA doubt? Oh dear, no—no doubt at all! He is

DON ALHAMBRAhere, in Venice, plying the modest but picturesque calling of a

DON ALHAMBRAgondolier.

DON ALHAMBRAI can give you his address—I see him every day! In

DON ALHAMBRAthe entire annals of our history there is absolutely no

DON ALHAMBRAcircumstance so entirely free from all manner of doubt of any

DON ALHAMBRAkind whatever! Listen, and I'll tell you all about it.

DON ALHAMBRA(with DUKE, DUCHESS, CASILDA, and LUIZ).

DON ALHAMBRAI stole the Prince, and I brought him here,

DON ALHAMBRAAnd left him gaily prattling

DON ALHAMBRAWith a highly respectable gondolier,

DON ALHAMBRAWho promised the Royal babe to rear,

DON ALHAMBRAAnd teach him the trade of a timoneer

DON ALHAMBRAWith his own beloved bratling.

DON ALHAMBRABoth of the babes were strong and stout,

DON ALHAMBRAAnd, considering all things, clever.

DON ALHAMBRAOf that there is no manner of doubt—

DON ALHAMBRANo probable, possible shadow of doubt—

DON ALHAMBRANo possible doubt whatever.

ALLNo possible doubt whatever.

ALLBut owing, I'm much disposed to fear,

ALLTo his terrible taste for tippling,

ALLThat highly respectable gondolier

ALLCould never declare with a mind sincere

ALLWhich of the two was his offspring dear,

ALLAnd which the Royal stripling!

ALLWhich was which he could never make out

ALLDespite his best endeavour.

ALLOf that there is no manner of doubt—

ALLNo probable, possible shadow of doubt—

ALLNo possible doubt whatever.

ALLNo possible doubt whatever.

ALLTime sped, and when at the end of a year

ALLI sought that infant cherished,

ALLThat highly respectable gondolier

ALLWas lying a corpse on his humble bier—

ALLI dropped a Grand Inquisitor's tear—

ALLThat gondolier had perished.

ALLA taste for drink, combined with gout,

ALLHad doubled him up for ever.

ALLOf that there is no manner of doubt—

ALLNo probable, possible shadow of doubt—

ALLNo possible doubt whatever.

ALLNo possible doubt whatever.

ALLThe children followed his old career—

This statement can't be parried

ALLOf a highly respectable gondolier:

ALLWell, one of the two (who will soon be here)—

ALLBut which of the two is not quite clear—

ALLIs the Royal Prince you married!

ALLSearch in and out and round about,

ALLAnd you'll discover never

ALLA tale so free from every doubt—

ALLAll probable, possible shadow of doubt—

ALLAll possible doubt whatever!

ALLA tale free from every doubt, etc.

CAS.Then do you mean to say that I am married to one of

CAS.two gondoliers, but it is impossible to say which?

DON ALHAMBRAWithout any doubt of any kind whatever.

DON ALHAMBRABut be

DON ALHAMBRAreassured:

DON ALHAMBRAthe nurse to whom your husband was entrusted is the

DON ALHAMBRAmother of the musical young man who is such a past-master of that

DON ALHAMBRAdelicately modulated instrument (indicating the drum).

DON ALHAMBRAShe can,

DON ALHAMBRAno doubt, establish the King's identity beyond all question.

LUIZHeavens, how did he know that?

DON ALHAMBRAMy young friend, a Grand Inquisitor is always up to

DON ALHAMBRAdate.

DON ALHAMBRA(To Cas) His mother is at present the wife of a highly

DON ALHAMBRArespectable and old-established brigand, who carries on an

DON ALHAMBRAextensive practice in the mountains around Cordova.

DON ALHAMBRAAccompanied

DON ALHAMBRAby two of my emissaries, he will set off at once for his mother's

DON ALHAMBRAaddress.

DON ALHAMBRAShe will return with them, and if she finds any

DON ALHAMBRAdifficulty in making up her mind, the persuasive influence of the

DON ALHAMBRAtorture chamber will jog her memory.

DON ALHAMBRARECITATIVE—CASILDA and DON ALHAMBRA.

CAS.But, bless my heart, consider my position!

CAS.I am the wife of one, that's very clear;

CAS.But who can tell, except by intuition,

CAS.Which is the Prince, and which the Gondolier?

DON ALHAMBRASubmit to Fate without unseemly wrangle:

DON ALHAMBRASuch complications frequently occur—

DON ALHAMBRALife is one closely complicated tangle:

DON ALHAMBRADeath is the only true unraveller!

DON ALHAMBRAQUINTET—DUKE, DUCHESS, CASILDA, LUIZ, and GRAND INQUISITOR.

ALLTry we life-long, we can never

ALLStraighten out life's tangled skein,

ALLWhy should we, in vain endeavour,

ALLGuess and guess and guess again?

LUIZLife's a pudding full of plums,

DUCH.Care's a canker that benumbs.

ALLLife's a pudding full of plums,

ALLCare's a canker that benumbs.

ALLWherefore waste our elocution

ALLOn impossible solution?

ALLLife's a pleasant institution,

ALLLet us take it as it comes!

Set aside the dull enigma,

ALLWe shall guess it all too soon;

ALLFailure brings no kind of stigma—

ALLDance we to another tune!

LUIZString the lyre and fill the cup,

DUCH.Lest on sorrow we should sup.

ALLHop and skip to Fancy's fiddle,

ALLHands across and down the middle—

ALLLife's perhaps the only riddle

ALLThat we shrink from giving up!

(Exeunt all into Ducal Palace except Luiz, who goes off in

ALLgondola)

(Enter Gondoliers and Contadine, followed by Marco, Gianetta,

ALLGiuseppe, and Tessa)

CHORUSBridegroom and bride!

CHORUSKnot that's insoluble,

CHORUSVoices all voluble

CHORUSHail it with pride.

CHORUSBridegroom and bride!

CHORUSWe in sincerity

CHORUSWish you prosperity,

CHORUSBridegroom and bride!

TESSAWhen a merry maiden marries,

TESSASorrow goes and pleasure tarries;

TESSAEvery sound becomes a song,

TESSAAll is right, and nothing's wrong!

TESSAFrom to-day and ever after

TESSALet our tears be tears of laughter.

Every sigh that finds a vent

TESSABe a sigh of sweet content!

TESSAWhen you marry, merry maiden,

TESSAThen the air with love is laden;

TESSAEvery flower is a rose,

TESSAEvery goose becomes a swan,

TESSAEvery kind of trouble goes

TESSAWhere the last year's snows have gone!

Sunlight takes the place of shade

CHORUSWhen you marry, merry maid!

TESSAWhen a merry maiden marries,

TESSASorrow goes and pleasure tarries;

TESSAEvery sound becomes a song,

TESSAAll is right, and nothing's wrong.

TESSAGnawing Care and aching Sorrow,

TESSAGet ye gone until to-morrow;

TESSAJealousies in grim array,

TESSAYe are things of yesterday!

TESSAWhen you marry, merry maiden,

TESSAThen the air with joy is laden;

TESSAAll the corners of the earth

TESSARing with music sweetly played,

TESSAWorry is melodious mirth,

TESSAGrief is joy in masquerade;

Sullen night is laughing day—

CHORUSAll the year is merry May!

(At the end of the song, Don Alhambra enters at back.

THE MENGondoliers and Contadine shrink from him, and gradually go off,

THE MENmuch alarmed)

GIUSEPPEAnd now our lives are going to begin in real earnest!

GIUSEPPEWhat's a bachelor? A mere nothing—he's a chrysalis.

GIUSEPPEHe can't

GIUSEPPEbe said to live—he exists.

MAR.What a delightful institution marriage is! Why have

MAR.we wasted all this time? Why didn't we marry ten years ago?

TESSABecause you couldn't find anybody nice enough.

GIANETTABecause you were waiting for us.

MAR.I suppose that was the reason.

MAR.We were waiting for

MAR.you without knowing it.

MAR.(Don Alhambra comes forward) Hallo!

DON ALHAMBRAGood morning.

GIUSEPPEIf this gentleman is an undertaker it's a bad omen.

DON ALHAMBRACeremony of some sort going on?

(aside).

GIUSEPPEHe is an undertaker! (Aloud) No—a little

GIUSEPPEunimportant family gathering.

GIUSEPPENothing in your line.

DON ALHAMBRASomebody's birthday, I suppose?

GIANETTAYes, mine!

TESSAAnd mine!

MAR.And mine!

GIUSEPPEAnd mine!

DON ALHAMBRACurious coincidence! And how old may you all be?

TESSAIt's a rude question—but about ten minutes.

DON ALHAMBRARemarkably fine children! But surely you are

DON ALHAMBRAjesting?

TESSAIn other words, we were married about ten minutes

TESSAsince.

DON ALHAMBRAMarried! You don't mean to say you are married?

MAR.Oh yes, we are married.

DON ALHAMBRAWhat, both of you?

ALLAll four of us.

(aside).

DON ALHAMBRABless my heart, how extremely awkward!

GIANETTAYou don't mind, I suppose?

TESSAYou were not thinking of either of us for yourself, I

TESSApresume? Oh, Giuseppe, look at him—he was.

TESSAHe's heart-broken!

DON ALHAMBRANo, no, I wasn't! I wasn't!

GIUSEPPENow, my man (slapping him on the back), we don't want

GIUSEPPEanything in your line to-day, and if your curiosity's

GIUSEPPEsatisfied—you can go!

DON ALHAMBRAYou mustn't call me your man.

DON ALHAMBRAIt's a liberty.

Idon't think you know who I am.

GIUSEPPENot we, indeed! We are jolly gondoliers, the sons of

GIUSEPPEBaptisto Palmieri, who led the last revolution.

GIUSEPPERepublicans,

GIUSEPPEheart and soul, we hold all men to be equal.

GIUSEPPEAs we abhor

GIUSEPPEoppression, we abhor kings:

GIUSEPPEas we detest vain-glory, we detest

GIUSEPPErank:

GIUSEPPEas we despise effeminacy, we despise wealth.

GIUSEPPEWe are

GIUSEPPEVenetian gondoliers—your equals in everything except our

GIUSEPPEcalling, and in that at once your masters and your servants.

DON ALHAMBRABless my heart, how unfortunate! One of you may be

DON ALHAMBRABaptisto's son, for anything I know to the contrary; but the

DON ALHAMBRAother is no less a personage than the only son of the late King

DON ALHAMBRAof Barataria.

ALLWhat!

DON ALHAMBRAAnd I trust—I trust it was that one who slapped me

DON ALHAMBRAon the shoulder and called me his man!

GIUSEPPEOne of us a king!

MAR.Not brothers!

TESSAThe King of Barataria! [Together]

GIANETTAWell, who'd have thought it!

MAR.But which is it?

DON ALHAMBRAWhat does it matter? As you are both Republicans,

DON ALHAMBRAand hold kings in detestation, of course you'll abdicate at once.

DON ALHAMBRAGood morning! (Going)

GIANETTAand TESS.

GIANETTAOh, don't do that! (Marco and Giuseppe stop

GIANETTAhim)

GIUSEPPEWell, as to that, of course there are kings and kings.

GIUSEPPEWhen I say that I detest kings, I mean I detest bad kings.

DON ALHAMBRAI see.

DON ALHAMBRAIt's a delicate distinction.

GIUSEPPEQuite so.

GIUSEPPENow I can conceive a kind of king—an ideal

GIUSEPPEking—the creature of my fancy, you know—who would be absolutely

GIUSEPPEunobjectionable.

GIUSEPPEA king, for instance, who would abolish taxes

GIUSEPPEand make everything cheap, except gondolas—

And give a great many free entertainments to the

MAR.gondoliers—

GIUSEPPEAnd let off fireworks on the Grand Canal, and engage

GIUSEPPEall the gondolas for the occasion—

MAR.And scramble money on the Rialto among the gondoliers.

GIUSEPPESuch a king would be a blessing to his people, and if

I were a king, that is the sort of king I would be.

MAR.And so would I!

DON ALHAMBRACome, I'm glad to find your objections are not

DON ALHAMBRAinsuperable.

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.Oh, they're not insuperable.

GIANETTAand TESS.

GIANETTANo, they're not insuperable.

GIUSEPPEBesides, we are open to conviction.

GIANETTAYes; they are open to conviction.

TESSAOh! they've often been convicted.

GIUSEPPEOur views may have been hastily formed on insufficient

GIUSEPPEgrounds.

GIUSEPPEThey may be crude, ill-digested, erroneous.

GIUSEPPEI've a

GIUSEPPEvery poor opinion of the politician who is not open to

GIUSEPPEconviction.

TESSA(to Gia).

TESSAOh, he's a fine fellow!

GIANETTAYes, that's the sort of politician for my money!

DON ALHAMBRAThen we'll consider it settled.

DON ALHAMBRANow, as the

DON ALHAMBRAcountry is in a state of insurrection, it is absolutely necessary

DON ALHAMBRAthat you should assume the reins of Government at once; and,

DON ALHAMBRAuntil it is ascertained which of you is to be king, I have

DON ALHAMBRAarranged that you will reign jointly, so that no question can

DON ALHAMBRAarise hereafter as to the validity of any of your acts.

MAR.As one individual?

DON ALHAMBRAAs one individual.

GIUSEPPE(linking himself with Marco).

GIUSEPPELike this?

DON ALHAMBRASomething like that.

And we may take our friends with us, and give them

MAR.places about the Court?

DON ALHAMBRAUndoubtedly.

DON ALHAMBRAThat's always done!

MAR.I'm convinced!

GIUSEPPESo am I!

TESSAThen the sooner we're off the better.

GIANETTAWe'll just run home and pack up a few things (going)—

DON ALHAMBRAStop, stop—that won't do at all—ladies are not

DON ALHAMBRAadmitted.

ALLWhat!

DON ALHAMBRANot admitted.

DON ALHAMBRANot at present.

DON ALHAMBRAAfterwards,

DON ALHAMBRAperhaps.

DON ALHAMBRAWe'll see.

GIUSEPPEWhy, you don't mean to say you are going to separate

GIUSEPPEus from our wives!

(aside).

DON ALHAMBRAThis is very awkward! (Aloud) Only for

DON ALHAMBRAa time—a few months.

DON ALHAMBRAAlter all, what is a few months?

TESSABut we've only been married half an hour! (Weeps)

SYSTEMFINALE, ACT I.

GIANETTAKind sir, you cannot have the heart

GIANETTAOur lives to part

GIANETTAFrom those to whom an hour ago

GIANETTAWe were united!

GIANETTABefore our flowing hopes you stem,

Ah, look at them,

GIANETTAAnd pause before you deal this blow,

GIANETTAAll uninvited!

GIANETTAYou men can never understand

GIANETTAThat heart and hand

GIANETTACannot be separated when

GIANETTAWe go a-yearning;

GIANETTAYou see, you've only women's eyes

GIANETTATo idolize

GIANETTAAnd only women's hearts, poor men,

GIANETTATo set you burning!

GIANETTAAh me, you men will never understand

GIANETTAThat woman's heart is one with woman's hand!

GIANETTASome kind of charm you seem to find

GIANETTAIn womankind—

GIANETTASome source of unexplained delight

GIANETTA(Unless you're jesting),

GIANETTABut what attracts you, I confess,

GIANETTAI cannot guess,

GIANETTATo me a woman's face is quite

GIANETTAUninteresting!

GIANETTAIf from my sister I were torn,

GIANETTAIt could be borne—

GIANETTAI should, no doubt, be horrified,

GIANETTABut I could bear it;—

GIANETTABut Marco's quite another thing—

GIANETTAHe is my King,

GIANETTAHe has my heart and none beside

GIANETTAShall ever share it!

GIANETTAAh me, you men will never understand

GIANETTAThat woman's heart is one with woman's hand!

DON ALHAMBRADo not give way to this uncalled-for grief,

DON ALHAMBRAYour separation will be very brief.

DON ALHAMBRATo ascertain which is the King

DON ALHAMBRAAnd which the other,

DON ALHAMBRATo Barataria's Court I'll bring

DON ALHAMBRAHis foster-mother;

DON ALHAMBRAHer former nurseling to declare

DON ALHAMBRAShe'll be delighted.

DON ALHAMBRAThat settled, let each happy pair

DON ALHAMBRABe reunited.

GIUSEPPE, Viva! His argument is strong!

TESSAViva! We'll not be parted long!

TESSAViva! It will be settled soon!

TESSAViva! Then comes our honeymoon!

(Exit Don

TESSAAlhambra)

GIANETTAThen one of us will be a Queen,

GIANETTAAnd sit on a golden throne,

GIANETTAWith a crown instead

GIANETTAOf a hat on her head,

GIANETTAAnd diamonds all her own!

GIANETTAWith a beautiful robe of gold and green,

GIANETTAI've always understood;

GIANETTAI wonder whether

GIANETTAShe'd wear a feather?

GIANETTAI rather think she should!

ALLOh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween,

ALLTo be a regular Royal Queen!

ALLNo half-and-half affair, I mean,

ALLBut a right-down regular Royal Queen!

MAR.She'll drive about in a carriage and pair,

MAR.With the King on her left-hand side,

MAR.And a milk-white horse,

MAR.As a matter of course,

MAR.Whenever she wants to ride!

MAR.With beautiful silver shoes to wear

MAR.Upon her dainty feet;

MAR.With endless stocks

MAR.Of beautiful frocks

MAR.And as much as she wants to eat!

ALLOh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc.

TESSAWhenever she condescends to walk,

TESSABe sure she'll shine at that,

TESSAWith her haughty stare

TESSAAnd her nose in the air,

TESSALike a well-born aristocrat!

TESSAAt elegant high society talk

TESSAShe'll bear away the bell,

TESSAWith her "How de do?"

TESSAAnd her "How are you?"

TESSAAnd "I trust I see you well!"

ALLOh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc.

GIUSEPPEAnd noble lords will scrape and bow,

GIUSEPPEAnd double themselves in two,

GIUSEPPEAnd open their eyes

GIUSEPPEIn blank surprise

GIUSEPPEAt whatever she likes to do.

GIUSEPPEAnd everybody will roundly vow

GIUSEPPEShe's fair as flowers in May,

GIUSEPPEAnd say, "How clever!"

GIUSEPPEAt whatsoever

GIUSEPPEShe condescends to say!

ALLOh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween,

ALLTo be a regular Royal Queen!

ALLNo half-and-half affair, I mean,

ALLBut a right-down regular Royal Queen!

Enter Chorus of Gondoliers and Contadine

CHORUSNow, pray, what is the cause of this remarkable hilarity?

CHORUSThis sudden ebullition of unmitigated jollity?

CHORUSHas anybody blessed you with a sample of his charity?

CHORUSOr have you been adopted by a gentleman of quality?

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.Replying, we sing

MAR.As one individual,

MAR.As I find I'm a king,

MAR.To my kingdom I bid you all.

MAR.I'm aware you object

MAR.To pavilions and palaces,

MAR.But you'll find I respect

MAR.Your Republican fallacies.

CHORUSAs they know we object

CHORUSTo pavilions and palaces,

CHORUSHow can they respect

CHORUSOur Republican fallacies?

CHORUSMARCO and GIUSEPPE.

MAR.For every one who feels inclined,

MAR.Some post we undertake to find

MAR.Congenial with his frame of mind—

MAR.And all shall equal be.

GIUSEPPEThe Chancellor in his peruke—

GIUSEPPEThe Earl, the Marquis, and the Dook,

GIUSEPPEThe Groom, the Butler, and the Cook—

GIUSEPPEThey all shall equal be.

MAR.The Aristocrat who banks with Coutts—

MAR.The Aristocrat who hunts and shoots—

MAR.The Aristocrat who cleans our boots—

MAR.They all shall equal be!

GIUSEPPEThe Noble Lord who rules the State—

GIUSEPPEThe Noble Lord who cleans the plate—

MAR.The Noble Lord who scrubs the grate—

MAR.They all shall equal be!

GIUSEPPEThe Lord High Bishop orthodox—

GIUSEPPEThe Lord High Coachman on the box—

MAR.The Lord High Vagabond in the stocks—

MAR.They all shall equal be!

BOTHFor every one, etc.

BOTHSing high, sing low,

BOTHWherever they go,

BOTHThey all shall equal be!

CHORUSSing high, sing low,

CHORUSWherever they go,

CHORUSThey all shall equal be!

CHORUSThe Earl, the Marquis, and the Dook,

CHORUSThe Groom, the Butler, and the Cook,

CHORUSThe Aristocrat who banks with Coutts,

CHORUSThe Aristocrat who cleans the boots,

CHORUSThe Noble Lord who rules the State,

CHORUSThe Noble Lord who scrubs the grate,

CHORUSThe Lord High Bishop orthodox,

CHORUSThe Lord High Vagabond in the stocks—

CHORUSFor every one, etc.

CHORUSSing high, sing low,

CHORUSWherever they go,

CHORUSThey all shall equal be!

CHORUSThen hail! O King,

CHORUSWhichever you may be,

CHORUSTo you we sing,

CHORUSBut do not bend the knee.

CHORUSThen hail! O King.

CHORUSMARCO and GIUSEPPE (together).

CHORUSCome, let's away—our island crown awaits me—

CHORUSConflicting feelings rend my soul apart!

CHORUSThe thought of Royal dignity elates me,

CHORUSBut leaving thee behind me breaks my heart!

CHORUS(Addressing Gianetta and

CHORUSTessa)

CHORUSGIANETTA and TESSA (together).

CHORUSFarewell, my love; on board you must be getting;

CHORUSBut while upon the sea you gaily roam,

CHORUSRemember that a heart for thee is fretting—

CHORUSThe tender little heart you've left at home!

GIANETTANow, Marco dear,

GIANETTAMy wishes hear:

GIANETTAWhile you're away

GIANETTAIt's understood

GIANETTAYou will be good

GIANETTAAnd not too gay.

GIANETTATo every trace

GIANETTAOf maiden grace

GIANETTAYou will be blind,

GIANETTAAnd will not glance

GIANETTABy any chance

GIANETTAOn womankind!

GIANETTAIf you are wise,

GIANETTAYou'll shut your eyes

GIANETTATill we arrive,

GIANETTAAnd not address

GIANETTAA lady less

GIANETTAThan forty-five.

GIANETTAYou'll please to frown

GIANETTAOn every gown

GIANETTAThat you may see;

GIANETTAAnd, O my pet,

GIANETTAYou won't forget

GIANETTAYou've married me!

GIANETTAAnd O my darling, O my pet,

GIANETTAWhatever else you may forget,

GIANETTAIn yonder isle beyond the sea,

GIANETTADo not forget you've married me!

TESSAYou'll lay your head

TESSAUpon your bed

TESSAAt set of sun.

TESSAYou will not sing

TESSAOf anything

TESSATo any one.

TESSAYou'll sit and mope

TESSAAll day, I hope,

TESSAAnd shed a tear

TESSAUpon the life

TESSAYour little wife

TESSAIs passing here.

TESSAAnd if so be

TESSAYou think of me,

TESSAPlease tell the moon!

TESSAI'll read it all

In rays that fall

TESSAOn the lagoon:

TESSAYou'll be so kind

TESSAAs tell the wind

TESSAHow you may be,

TESSAAnd send me words

TESSABy little birds

TESSATo comfort me!

TESSAAnd O my darling, O my pet,

TESSAWhatever else you may forget,

TESSAIn yonder isle beyond the sea,

TESSADo not forget you've married me!

QUARTETOh my darling, O my pet, etc.

QUARTETCHORUS (during which a "Xebeque" is hauled alongside the quay)

QUARTETThen away we go to an island fair

QUARTETThat lies in a Southern sea:

QUARTETWe know not where, and we don't much care,

QUARTETWherever that isle may be.

QUARTETTHE MEN (hauling on boat).

QUARTETOne, two, three,

QUARTETHaul!

QUARTETOne, two, three,

QUARTETHaul!

QUARTETOne, two, three,

QUARTETHaul!

QUARTETWith a will!

ALLWhen the breezes are a-blowing

ALLThe ship will be going,

ALLWhen they don't we shall all stand still!

ALLThen away we go to an island fair,

ALLWe know not where, and we don't much care,

ALLWherever that isle may be.

MARCOAway we go

MARCOTo a balmy isle,

MARCOWhere the roses blow

MARCOAll the winter while.

MARCOALL (hoisting sail).

MARCOThen away we go to an island fair

MARCOThat lies in a Southern sea:

MARCOThen away we go to an island fair,

MARCOThen away, then away, then away!

MARCO(The men embark on the "Xebeque.

MARCO" Marco and Giuseppe embracing

MARCOGianetta and Tessa.

MARCOThe girls wave a farewell to the men as the

curtain falls)

SYSTEMACT II

SYSTEMSCENE.

END OF ACT I—Pavilion in the Court of Barataria.

END OF ACT IMarco and

END OF ACT IGiuseppe, magnificently dressed, are seated on two thrones,

END OF ACT Ioccupied in cleaning the crown and the sceptre.

END OF ACT IThe Gondoliers

END OF ACT Iare discovered, dressed, some as courtiers, officers of rank,

END OF ACT Ietc.

END OF ACT I, and others as private soldiers and servants of various

END OF ACT Idegrees.

END OF ACT IAll are enjoying themselves without reference to social

distinctions—some playing cards, others throwing dice, some

END OF ACT Ireading, others playing cup and ball, "morra", etc.

END OF ACT ICHORUS OF MEN with MARCO and GIUSEPPE.

END OF ACT IOf happiness the very pith

END OF ACT IIn Barataria you may see:

END OF ACT IA monarchy that's tempered with

END OF ACT IRepublican Equality.

END OF ACT IThis form of government we find

END OF ACT IThe beau ideal of its kind—

END OF ACT IA despotism strict combined

END OF ACT IWith absolute equality!

END OF ACT IMARCO and GIUSEPPE.

END OF ACT ITwo kings, of undue pride bereft,

END OF ACT IWho act in perfect unity,

END OF ACT IWhom you can order right and left

END OF ACT IWith absolute impunity.

END OF ACT IWho put their subjects at their ease

END OF ACT IBy doing all they can to please!

END OF ACT IAnd thus, to earn their bread-and-cheese,

END OF ACT ISeize every opportunity.

CHORUSOf happiness the very pith, etc.

MAR.Gentlemen, we are much obliged to you for your

MAR.expressions of satisfaction and good feeling—I say, we are much

MAR.obliged to you for your expressions of satisfaction and good

MAR.feeling.

ALLWe heard you.

We are delighted, at any time, to fall in with

MAR.sentiments so charmingly expressed.

ALLThat's all right.

GIUSEPPEAt the same time there is just one little grievance

GIUSEPPEthat we should like to ventilate.

GIUSEPPEALL (angrily).

GIUSEPPEWhat?

GIUSEPPEDon't be alarmed—it's not serious.

GIUSEPPEIt is arranged

GIUSEPPEthat, until it is decided which of us two is the actual King, we

GIUSEPPEare to act as one person.

GIORGIOExactly.

Now, although we act as one person, we are, in point

GIUSEPPEof fact, two persons.

ANNIBALEAh, I don't think we can go into that.

ANNIBALEIt is a

ANNIBALElegal fiction, and legal fictions are solemn things.

ANNIBALESituated as

ANNIBALEwe are, we can't recognize two independent responsibilities.

GIUSEPPENo; but you can recognize two independent appetites.

GIUSEPPEIt's all very well to say we act as one person, but when you

GIUSEPPEsupply us with only one ration between us, I should describe it

GIUSEPPEas a legal fiction carried a little too far.

It's rather a nice point.

ANNII don't like to express an

ANNIopinion off-hand.

ANNISuppose we reserve it for argument before the

ANNIfull Court?

MAR.Yes, but what are we to do in the meantime?

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.We want our tea.

ANNII think we may make an interim order for double

rations on their Majesties entering into the usual undertaking to

ANNIindemnify in the event of an adverse decision?

GIOR.That, I think, will meet the case.

GIOR.But you must work

GIOR.hard—stick to it—nothing like work.

GIUSEPPEOh, certainly.

GIUSEPPEWe quite understand that a man who

GIUSEPPEholds the magnificent position of King should do something to

GIUSEPPEjustify it.

GIUSEPPEWe are called "Your Majesty"; we are allowed to buy

GIUSEPPEourselves magnificent clothes; our subjects frequently nod to us

GIUSEPPEin the streets; the sentries always return our salutes; and we

GIUSEPPEenjoy the inestimable privilege of heading the subscription lists

GIUSEPPEto all the principal charities.

GIUSEPPEIn return for these advantages

GIUSEPPEthe least we can do is to make ourselves useful about the Palace.

GIUSEPPESONG—GIUSEPPE with CHORUS.

Rising early in the morning,

GIUSEPPEWe proceed to light the fire,

GIUSEPPEThen our Majesty adorning

GIUSEPPEIn its workaday attire,

GIUSEPPEWe embark without delay

GIUSEPPEOn the duties of the day.

GIUSEPPEFirst, we polish off some batches

GIUSEPPEOf political despatches,

GIUSEPPEAnd foreign politicians circumvent;

GIUSEPPEThen, if business isn't heavy,

GIUSEPPEWe may hold a Royal levee,

GIUSEPPEOr ratify some Acts of Parliament.

GIUSEPPEThen we probably review the household troops—

GIUSEPPEWith the usual "Shalloo humps!" and "Shalloo hoops!"

GIUSEPPEOr receive with ceremonial and state

GIUSEPPEAn interesting Eastern potentate.

GIUSEPPEAfter that we generally

GIUSEPPEGo and dress our private valet—

GIUSEPPE(It's a rather nervous duty—he's a touchy little man)—

GIUSEPPEWrite some letters literary

GIUSEPPEFor our private secretary—

GIUSEPPEHe is shaky in his spelling, so we help him if we can.

GIUSEPPEThen, in view of cravings inner,

GIUSEPPEWe go down and order dinner;

GIUSEPPEThen we polish the Regalia and the Coronation Plate—

GIUSEPPESpend an hour in titivating

GIUSEPPEAll our Gentlemen-in-Waiting;

GIUSEPPEOr we run on little errands for the Ministers of State.

GIUSEPPEOh, philosophers may sing

GIUSEPPEOf the troubles of a King;

GIUSEPPEYet the duties are delightful, and the privileges great;

GIUSEPPEBut the privilege and pleasure

GIUSEPPEThat we treasure beyond measure

GIUSEPPEIs to run on little errands for the Ministers of State.

CHORUSOh, philosophers may sing, etc.

CHORUSAfter luncheon (making merry

CHORUSOn a bun and glass of sherry),

CHORUSIf we've nothing in particular to do,

CHORUSWe may make a Proclamation,

CHORUSOr receive a deputation—

CHORUSThen we possibly create a Peer or two.

CHORUSThen we help a fellow-creature on his path

CHORUSWith the Garter or the Thistle or the Bath,

CHORUSOr we dress and toddle off in semi-state

CHORUSTo a festival, a function, or a fete.

CHORUSThen we go and stand as sentry

CHORUSAt the Palace (private entry),

CHORUSMarching hither, marching thither, up and down and to and

CHORUSfro,

CHORUSWhile the warrior on duty

CHORUSGoes in search of beer and beauty

CHORUS(And it generally happens that he hasn't far to go).

CHORUSHe relieves us, if he's able,

CHORUSJust in time to lay the table,

CHORUSThen we dine and serve the coffee, and at half-past twelve

CHORUSor one,

CHORUSWith a pleasure that's emphatic,

CHORUSWe retire to our attic

CHORUSWith the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done!

CHORUSOh, philosophers may sing

CHORUSOf the troubles of a King,

CHORUSBut of pleasures there are many and of worries there are

CHORUSnone;

CHORUSAnd the culminating pleasure

CHORUSThat we treasure beyond measure

CHORUSIs the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done!

CHORUSOh, philosophers may sing, etc.

(Exeunt all but Marco and

CHORUSGiuseppe)

GIUSEPPEYes, it really is a very pleasant existence.

GIUSEPPEThey're

GIUSEPPEall so singularly kind and considerate.

GIUSEPPEYou don't find them

GIUSEPPEwanting to do this, or wanting to do that, or saying "It's my

turn now.

GIUSEPPE" No, they let us have all the fun to ourselves, and

GIUSEPPEnever seem to grudge it.

MAR.It makes one feel quite selfish.

MAR.It almost seems like

MAR.taking advantage of their good nature.

GIUSEPPEHow nice they were about the double rations.

MAR.Most considerate.

MAR.Ah! there's only one thing wanting

MAR.to make us thoroughly comfortable.

GIUSEPPEAnd that is?

MAR.The dear little wives we left behind us three months

MAR.ago.

GIUSEPPEYes, it is dull without female society.

GIUSEPPEWe can do

GIUSEPPEwithout everything else, but we can't do without that.

MAR.And if we have that in perfection, we have everything.

MAR.There is only one recipe for perfect happiness.

Take a pair of sparkling eyes,

MARCOHidden, ever and anon,

MARCOIn a merciful eclipse—

MARCODo not heed their mild surprise—

MARCOHaving passed the Rubicon,

Take a pair of rosy lips;

Take a figure trimly planned—

MARCOSuch as admiration whets—

MARCO(Be particular in this);

Take a tender little hand,

MARCOFringed with dainty fingerettes,

MARCOPress it—in parenthesis;—

MARCOAh! Take all these, you lucky man—

MARCOTake and keep them, if you can!

Take a pretty little cot—

MARCOQuite a miniature affair—

MARCOHung about with trellised vine,

MARCOFurnish it upon the spot

MARCOWith the treasures rich and rare

MARCOI've endeavoured to define.

MARCOLive to love and love to live—

MARCOYou will ripen at your ease,

MARCOGrowing on the sunny side—

MARCOFate has nothing more to give.

MARCOYou're a dainty man to please

MARCOIf you are not satisfied.

MARCOAh! Take my counsel, happy man;

MARCOAct upon it, if you can!

(Enter Chorus of Contadine, running in, led by Fiametta and

MARCOVittoria.

MARCOThey are met by all the Ex-Gondoliers, who welcome

MARCOthem heartily)

SYSTEMSCENE—CHORUS OF GIRLS, QUARTET, DUET and CHORUS.

MARCOHere we are, at the risk of our lives,

MARCOFrom ever so far, and we've brought your wives—

MARCOAnd to that end we've crossed the main,

MARCOAnd don't intend to return again!

FIAMETTAThough obedience is strong,

FIAMETTACuriosity's stronger—

FIAMETTAWe waited for long,

FIAMETTATill we couldn't wait longer.

VIT.It's imprudent, we know,

VIT.But without your society

VIT.Existence was slow,

VIT.And we wanted variety—

BOTHExistence was slow, and we wanted variety.

ALLSo here we are, at the risk of our lives,

ALLFrom ever so far, and we've brought your wives—

ALLAnd to that end we've crossed the main,

ALLAnd don't intend to return again!

(Enter Gianetta and Tessa.

ALLThey rush to the arms of Marco and

ALLGiuseppe)

GIUSEPPETessa!

TESSAGiuseppe! {All embrace.

TESSA}

GIANETTAMarco!

MAR.Gianetta!

MAR.TESSA and GIANETTA.

TESSAAfter sailing to this island—

GIANETTATossing in a manner frightful,

TESSAWe are all once more on dry land—

GIANETTAAnd we find the change delightful,

TESSAAs at home we've been remaining—

TESSAWe've not seen you both for ages,

GIANETTATell me, are you fond of reigning?—

GIANETTAHow's the food, and what's the wages?

TESSADoes your new employment please ye?—

GIANETTAHow does Royalizing strike you?

TESSAIs it difficult or easy?—

GIANETTADo you think your subjects like you?

TESSAI am anxious to elicit,

TESSAIs it plain and easy steering?

GIANETTATake it altogether, is it

GIANETTABetter fun than gondoliering?

BOTHWe shall both go on requesting

BOTHTill you tell us, never doubt it;

BOTHEverything is interesting,

BOTHTell us, tell us all about it!

CHORUSThey will both go on requesting, etc.

TESSAIs the populace exacting?

GIANETTADo they keep you at a distance?

TESSAAll unaided are you acting,

GIANETTAOr do they provide assistance?

TESSAWhen you're busy, have you got to

TESSAGet up early in the morning?

GIANETTAIf you do what you ought not to,

GIANETTADo they give the usual warning?

TESSAWith a horse do they equip you?

GIANETTALots of trumpeting and drumming?

TESSADo the Royal tradesmen tip you?

GIANETTAAin't the livery becoming!

TESSADoes your human being inner

TESSAFeed on everything that nice is?

GIANETTADo they give you wine for dinner;

GIANETTAPeaches, sugar-plums, and ices?

BOTHWe shall both go on requesting

BOTHTill you tell us, never doubt it;

BOTHEverything is interesting,

BOTHTell us, tell us all about it!

CHORUSThey will both go on requesting, etc.

MAR.This is indeed a most delightful surprise!

TESSAYes, we thought you'd like it.

TESSAYou see, it was like

TESSAthis.

TESSAAfter you left we felt very dull and mopey, and the days

TESSAcrawled by, and you never wrote; so at last I said to Gianetta,

TESSA"I can't stand this any longer; those two poor Monarchs haven't

TESSAgot any one to mend their stockings or sew on their buttons or

TESSApatch their clothes—at least, I hope they haven't—let us all

TESSApack up a change and go and see how they're getting on.

TESSA" And she

TESSAsaid, "Done," and they all said, "Done"; and we asked old Giacopo

TESSAto lend us his boat, and he said, "Done"; and we've crossed the

TESSAsea, and, thank goodness, that's done; and here we are,

TESSAand—and—I've done!

GIANETTAAnd now—which of you is King?

TESSAAnd which of us is Queen?

That we shan't know until Nurse turns up.

GIUSEPPEBut never

GIUSEPPEmind that—the question is, how shall we celebrate the

GIUSEPPEcommencement of our honeymoon? Gentlemen, will you allow us to

GIUSEPPEoffer you a magnificent banquet?

ALLWe will!

GIUSEPPEThanks very much; and, ladies, what do you say to a

GIUSEPPEdance?

TESSAA banquet and a dance! O, it's too much happiness!

TESSACHORUS and DANCE.

TESSADance a cachucha, fandango, bolero,

TESSAXeres we'll drink—Manzanilla, Montero—

TESSAWine, when it runs in abundance, enhances

TESSAThe reckless delight of that wildest of dances!

TESSATo the pretty pitter-pitter-patter,

TESSAAnd the clitter-clitter-clitter-clatter—

TESSAClitter—clitter—clatter,

TESSAPitter—pitter—patter,

TESSAPatter, patter, patter, patter, we'll dance.

TESSAOld Xeres we'll drink—Manzanilla, Montero;

TESSAFor wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances

TESSAThe reckless delight of that wildest of dances!

Cachucha

TESSA(The dance is interrupted by the unexpected appearance of Don

TESSAAlhambra, who looks on with astonishment.

TESSAMarco and Giuseppe

TESSAappear embarrassed.

The others run off, except Drummer Boy, who

TESSAis driven off by Don Alhambra)

DON ALHAMBRAGood evening.

DON ALHAMBRAFancy ball?

GIUSEPPENo, not exactly.

GIUSEPPEA little friendly dance.

GIUSEPPEThat's

GIUSEPPEall.

GIUSEPPESorry you're late.

DON ALHAMBRABut I saw a groom dancing, and a footman!

MAR.Yes.

MAR.That's the Lord High Footman.

DON ALHAMBRAAnd, dear me, a common little drummer boy!

GIUSEPPEOh no! That's the Lord High Drummer Boy.

DON ALHAMBRABut surely, surely the servants'-hall is the place

DON ALHAMBRAfor these gentry?

GIUSEPPEOh dear no! We have appropriated the servants'-hall.

GIUSEPPEIt's the Royal Apartment, and accessible only by tickets

GIUSEPPEobtainable at the Lord Chamberlain's office.

MAR.We really must have some place that we can call our

MAR.own.

DON ALHAMBRA(puzzled).

DON ALHAMBRAI'm afraid I'm not quite equal to the

DON ALHAMBRAintellectual pressure of the conversation.

GIUSEPPEYou see, the Monarchy has been re-modelled on

GIUSEPPERepublican principles.

DON ALHAMBRAWhat!

GIUSEPPEAll departments rank equally, and everybody is at the

GIUSEPPEhead of his department.

DON ALHAMBRAI see.

MAR.I'm afraid you're annoyed.

DON ALHAMBRANo.

DON ALHAMBRAI won't say that.

DON ALHAMBRAIt's not quite what I

DON ALHAMBRAexpected.

GIUSEPPEI'm awfully sorry.

MAR.So am I.

GIUSEPPEBy the by, can I offer you anything after your voyage?

GIUSEPPEA plate of macaroni and a rusk?

DON ALHAMBRA(preoccupied).

DON ALHAMBRANo, no—nothing—nothing.

GIUSEPPEObliged to be careful?

DON ALHAMBRAYes—gout.

DON ALHAMBRAYou see, in every Court there are

DON ALHAMBRAdistinctions that must be observed.

GIUSEPPE(puzzled).

GIUSEPPEThere are, are there?

DON ALHAMBRAWhy, of course.

DON ALHAMBRAFor instance, you wouldn't have a

DON ALHAMBRALord High Chancellor play leapfrog with his own cook.

MAR.Why not?

DON ALHAMBRAWhy not! Because a Lord High Chancellor is a

DON ALHAMBRApersonage of great dignity, who should never, under any

DON ALHAMBRAcircumstances, place himself in the position of being told to

DON ALHAMBRAtuck in his tuppenny, except by noblemen of his own rank.

DON ALHAMBRAA Lord

DON ALHAMBRAHigh Archbishop, for instance, might tell a Lord High Chancellor

DON ALHAMBRAto tuck in his tuppenny, but certainly not a cook, gentlemen,

DON ALHAMBRAcertainly not a cook.

GIUSEPPENot even a Lord High Cook?

DON ALHAMBRAMy good friend, that is a rank that is not

DON ALHAMBRArecognized at the Lord Chamberlain's office.

DON ALHAMBRANo, no, it won't

DON ALHAMBRAdo.

DON ALHAMBRAI'll give you an instance in which the experiment was tried.

DON ALHAMBRASONG—DON ALHAMBRA, with MARCO and GIUSEPPE.

DON ALHAMBRAThere lived a King, as I've been told,

DON ALHAMBRAIn the wonder-working days of old,

DON ALHAMBRAWhen hearts were twice as good as gold,

DON ALHAMBRAAnd twenty times as mellow.

DON ALHAMBRAGood-temper triumphed in his face,

DON ALHAMBRAAnd in his heart he found a place

DON ALHAMBRAFor all the erring human race

DON ALHAMBRAAnd every wretched fellow.

DON ALHAMBRAWhen he had Rhenish wine to drink

DON ALHAMBRAIt made him very sad to think

DON ALHAMBRAThat some, at junket or at jink,

DON ALHAMBRAMust be content with toddy.

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.With toddy, must be content with toddy.

DON ALHAMBRAHe wished all men as rich as he

DON ALHAMBRA(And he was rich as rich could be),

DON ALHAMBRASo to the top of every tree

DON ALHAMBRAPromoted everybody.

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.Now, that's the kind of King for me.

MAR.He wished all men as rich as he,

MAR.So to the top of every tree

MAR.Promoted everybody!

DON ALHAMBRALord Chancellors were cheap as sprats,

DON ALHAMBRAAnd Bishops in their shovel hats

DON ALHAMBRAWere plentiful as tabby cats—

In point of fact, too many.

DON ALHAMBRAAmbassadors cropped up like hay,

DON ALHAMBRAPrime Ministers and such as they

DON ALHAMBRAGrew like asparagus in May,

DON ALHAMBRAAnd Dukes were three a penny.

DON ALHAMBRAOn every side Field-Marshals gleamed,

DON ALHAMBRASmall beer were Lords-Lieutenant deemed,

DON ALHAMBRAWith Admirals the ocean teemed

DON ALHAMBRAAll round his wide dominions.

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.With Admirals all round his wide dominions.

DON ALHAMBRAAnd Party Leaders you might meet

DON ALHAMBRAIn twos and threes in every street

DON ALHAMBRAMaintaining, with no little heat,

DON ALHAMBRATheir various opinions.

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.Now that's a sight you couldn't beat—

MAR.Two Party Leaders in each street

MAR.Maintaining, with no little heat,

MAR.Their various opinions.

DON ALHAMBRAThat King, although no one denies

DON ALHAMBRAHis heart was of abnormal size,

DON ALHAMBRAYet he'd have acted otherwise

DON ALHAMBRAIf he had been acuter.

DON ALHAMBRAThe end is easily foretold,

DON ALHAMBRAWhen every blessed thing you hold

DON ALHAMBRAIs made of silver, or of gold,

DON ALHAMBRAYou long for simple pewter.

DON ALHAMBRAWhen you have nothing else to wear

DON ALHAMBRABut cloth of gold and satins rare,

DON ALHAMBRAFor cloth of gold you cease to care—

DON ALHAMBRAUp goes the price of shoddy.

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.Of shoddy, up goes the price of shoddy.

DON ALHAMBRAIn short, whoever you may be,

DON ALHAMBRATo this conclusion you'll agree,

DON ALHAMBRAWhen every one is somebodee,

DON ALHAMBRAThen no one's anybody!

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.Now that's as plain as plain can be,

MAR.To this conclusion we agree—

ALLWhen every one is somebodee,

ALLThen no one's anybody!

(Gianetta and Tessa enter unobserved.

ALLThe two girls, impelled by

ALLcuriosity, remain listening at the back of the stage)

DON ALHAMBRAAnd now I have some important news to communicate.

DON ALHAMBRAHis Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Her Grace the Duchess, and

DON ALHAMBRAtheir beautiful daughter Casilda—I say their beautiful daughter

DON ALHAMBRACasilda—

GIUSEPPEWe heard you.

DON ALHAMBRAHave arrived at Barataria, and may be here at any

DON ALHAMBRAmoment.

MAR.The Duke and Duchess are nothing to us.

DON ALHAMBRABut the daughter—the beautiful daughter! Aha!

DON ALHAMBRAOh, you're a lucky dog, one of you!

GIUSEPPEI think you're a very incomprehensible old gentleman.

DON ALHAMBRANot a bit—I'll explain.

DON ALHAMBRAMany years ago when you

DON ALHAMBRA(whichever you are) were a baby, you (whichever you are) were

DON ALHAMBRAmarried to a little girl who has grown up to be the most

DON ALHAMBRAbeautiful young lady in Spain.

DON ALHAMBRAThat beautiful young lady will be

DON ALHAMBRAhere to claim you (whichever you are) in half an hour, and I

DON ALHAMBRAcongratulate that one (whichever it is) with all my heart.

MAR.Married when a baby!

GIUSEPPEBut we were married three months ago!

DON ALHAMBRAOne of you—only one.

DON ALHAMBRAThe other (whichever it is)

DON ALHAMBRAis an unintentional bigamist.

GIANETTAand TESS.

GIANETTA(coming forward).

GIANETTAWell, upon my word!

DON ALHAMBRAEh? Who are these young people?

TESSAWho are we? Why, their wives, of course.

TESSAWe've just

TESSAarrived.

DON ALHAMBRATheir wives! Oh dear, this is very unfortunate!

DON ALHAMBRAOh dear, this complicates matters! Dear, dear, what will Her

DON ALHAMBRAMajesty say?

GIANETTAAnd do you mean to say that one of these Monarchs was

GIANETTAalready married?

TESSAAnd that neither of us will be a Queen?

DON ALHAMBRAThat is the idea I intended to convey.

DON ALHAMBRA(Tessa and

DON ALHAMBRAGianetta begin to cry)

GIUSEPPE(to Tessa).

GIUSEPPETessa, my dear, dear child—

TESSAGet away! perhaps it's you!

MAR.(to Gia).

MAR.My poor, poor little woman!

GIANETTADon't! Who knows whose husband you are?

TESSAAnd pray, why didn't you tell us all about it before

TESSAthey left Venice?

DON ALHAMBRABecause, if I had, no earthly temptation would have

induced these gentlemen to leave two such extremely fascinating

DON ALHAMBRAand utterly irresistible little ladies!

TESSAThere's something in that.

DON ALHAMBRAI may mention that you will not be kept long in

DON ALHAMBRAsuspense, as the old lady who nursed the Royal child is at

DON ALHAMBRApresent in the torture chamber, waiting for me to interview her.

GIUSEPPEPoor old girl.

GIUSEPPEHadn't you better go and put her out

GIUSEPPEof her suspense?

DON ALHAMBRAOh no—there's no hurry—she's all right.

DON ALHAMBRAShe has

DON ALHAMBRAall the illustrated papers.

DON ALHAMBRAHowever, I'll go and interrogate

DON ALHAMBRAher, and, in the meantime, may I suggest the absolute propriety

DON ALHAMBRAof your regarding yourselves as single young ladies.

DON ALHAMBRAGood

DON ALHAMBRAevening!

(Exit Don

DON ALHAMBRAAlhambra)

GIANETTAWell, here's a pleasant state of things!

MAR.Delightful.

MAR.One of us is married to two young ladies,

MAR.and nobody knows which; and the other is married to one young

MAR.lady whom nobody can identify!

GIANETTAAnd one of us is married to one of you, and the other

GIANETTAis married to nobody.

TESSABut which of you is married to which of us, and

TESSAwhat's to become of the other? (About to cry)

GIUSEPPEIt's quite simple.

GIUSEPPEObserve.

GIUSEPPETwo husbands have

GIUSEPPEmanaged to acquire three wives.

GIUSEPPEThree wives—two husbands.

GIUSEPPE(Reckoning up) That's two-thirds of a husband to each wife.

TESSAO Mount Vesuvius, here we are in arithmetic! My good

TESSAsir, one can't marry a vulgar fraction!

GIUSEPPEYou've no right to call me a vulgar fraction.

MAR.We are getting rather mixed.

MAR.The situation is

MAR.entangled.

MAR.Let's try and comb it out.

SYSTEMQUARTET—MARCO, GIUSEPPE, GIANETTA, TESSA.

MAR.In a contemplative fashion,

MAR.And a tranquil frame of mind,

MAR.Free from every kind of passion,

MAR.Some solution let us find.

MAR.Let us grasp the situation,

MAR.Solve the complicated plot—

MAR.Quiet, calm deliberation

MAR.Disentangles every knot.

TESSAI, no doubt, Giuseppe wedded— THE OTHERS.

TESSAIn a

TESSAcontemplative

TESSAThat's, of course, a slice of luck fashion,

TESSAetc.

TESSAHe is rather dunder-headed.

TESSAStill distinctly, he's a duck.

GIANETTAI, a victim, too, of Cupid, THE OTHERS.

GIANETTALet

GIANETTAus grasp the

GIANETTAMarco married - that is clear.

GIANETTAsituation,

GIANETTAetc.

GIANETTAHe's particularly stupid,

GIANETTAStill distinctly, he's a dear.

MAR.To Gianetta I was mated; THE OTHERS.

MAR.In a

MAR.contemplative

MAR.I can prove it in a trice:

MAR.fashion,

MAR.etc.

MAR.Though her charms are overrated,

MAR.Still I own she's rather nice.

GIUSEPPEI to Tessa, willy-nilly, THE OTHERS.

GIUSEPPELet us

GIUSEPPEgrasp the

GIUSEPPEAll at once a victim fell.

GIUSEPPEsituation,

GIUSEPPEetc.

GIUSEPPEShe is what is called a silly,

GIUSEPPEStill she answers pretty well.

MAR.Now when we were pretty babies

MAR.Some one married us, that's clear—

GIANETTAAnd if I can catch her

GIANETTAI'll pinch her and scratch her

GIANETTAAnd send her away with a flea in her ear.

GIUSEPPEHe whom that young lady married,

GIUSEPPETo receive her can't refuse.

TESSAIf I overtake her

TESSAI'll warrant I'll make her

TESSATo shake in her aristocratical shoes!

GIANETTA(to Tess).

GIANETTAIf she married your Giuseppe

GIANETTAYou and he will have to part—

TESSA(to Gia).

TESSAIf I have to do it

TESSAI'll warrant she'll rue it—

TESSAI'll teach her to marry the man of my heart!

TESSA(to Gia).

TESSAIf she married Messer Marco

TESSAYou're a spinster, that is plain—

GIANETTA(to Tess).

GIANETTANo matter—no matter.

GIANETTAIf I can get at her

GIANETTAI doubt if her mother will know her again!

ALLQuiet, calm deliberation

ALLDisentangles every knot!

(Exeunt,

ALLpondering)

ALL(March.

Enter procession of Retainers, heralding approach of

ALLDuke, Duchess, and Casilda.

ALLAll three are now dressed with the

ALLutmost magnificence)

ALLCHORUS OF MEN, with DUKE and DUCHESS.

ALLWith ducal pomp and ducal pride

ALL(Announce these comers,

ALLO ye kettle-drummers!)

ALLComes Barataria's high-born bride.

Ye sounding cymbals clang!

ALLShe comes to claim the Royal hand—

ALL(Proclaim their Graces,

ALLO ye double basses!)

ALLOf the King who rules this goodly land.

Ye brazen brasses bang!

ALLDUKE and This polite attention touches

DUCH.Heart of Duke and heart of Duchess

DUCH.Who resign their pet

DUCH.With profound regret.

DUCH.She of beauty was a model

DUCH.When a tiny tiddle-toddle,

DUCH.And at twenty-one

DUCH.She's excelled by none!

CHORUSWith ducal pomp and ducal pride, etc.

CHORUSDUKE (to his attendants).

CHORUSBe good enough to inform His Majesty

CHORUSthat His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Limited, has arrived, and

CHORUSbegs—

CAS.Desires—

DUCH.Demands—

DUKEAnd demands an audience.

(Exeunt attendants) And

DUKEnow, my child, prepare to receive the husband to whom you were

DUKEunited under such interesting and romantic circumstances.

CAS.But which is it? There are two of them!

DUKEIt is true that at present His Majesty is a double

DUKEgentleman; but as soon as the circumstances of his marriage are

DUKEascertained, he will, ipso facto, boil down to a single

DUKEgentleman—thus presenting a unique example of an individual who

DUKEbecomes a single man and a married man by the same operation.

DUCH.(severely).

DUCH.I have known instances in which the

DUCH.characteristics of both conditions existed concurrently in the

DUCH.same individual.

DUKEAh, he couldn't have been a Plaza-Toro.

DUCH.Oh! couldn't he, though!

CAS.Well, whatever happens, I shall, of course, be a

CAS.dutiful wife, but I can never love my husband.

DUKEI don't know.

DUKEIt's extraordinary what

DUKEunprepossessing people one can love if one gives one's mind to

DUKEit.

DUCH.I loved your father.

DUKEMy love—that remark is a little hard, I think?

DUKERather cruel, perhaps? Somewhat uncalled-for, I venture to

DUKEbelieve?

DUCH.It was very difficult, my dear; but I said to myself,

DUCH."That man is a Duke, and I will love him.

DUCH." Several of my

DUCH.relations bet me I couldn't, but I did—desperately!

DUCHESSOn the day when I was wedded

DUCHESSTo your admirable sire,

DUCHESSI acknowledge that I dreaded

DUCHESSAn explosion of his ire.

DUCHESSI was overcome with panic—

DUCHESSFor his temper was volcanic,

DUCHESSAnd I didn't dare revolt,

DUCHESSFor I feared a thunderbolt!

DUCHESSI was always very wary,

DUCHESSFor his fury was ecstatic—

DUCHESSHis refined vocabulary

DUCHESSMost unpleasantly emphatic.

DUCHESSTo the thunder

DUCHESSOf this Tartar

DUCHESSI knocked under

DUCHESSLike a martyr;

DUCHESSWhen intently

DUCHESSHe was fuming,

DUCHESSI was gently

DUCHESSUnassuming—

DUCHESSWhen reviling

DUCHESSMe completely,

DUCHESSI was smiling

DUCHESSVery sweetly:

DUCHESSGiving him the very best, and getting back the very worst—

DUCHESSThat is how I tried to tame your great progenitor—at first!

DUCHESSBut I found that a reliance

DUCHESSOn my threatening appearance,

DUCHESSAnd a resolute defiance

DUCHESSOf marital interference,

DUCHESSAnd a gentle intimation

DUCHESSOf my firm determination

DUCHESSTo see what I could do

DUCHESSTo be wife and husband too

DUCHESSWas the only thing required

DUCHESSFor to make his temper supple,

DUCHESSAnd you couldn't have desired

DUCHESSA more reciprocating couple.

DUCHESSEver willing

DUCHESSTo be wooing,

DUCHESSWe were billing—

DUCHESSWe were cooing;

DUCHESSWhen I merely

DUCHESSFrom him parted,

DUCHESSWe were nearly

DUCHESSBroken-hearted—

DUCHESSWhen in sequel

DUCHESSReunited,

DUCHESSWe were equal-

DUCHESSLy delighted.

DUCHESSSo with double-shotted guns and colours nailed unto the mast,

DUCHESSI tamed your insignificant progenitor—at last!

CAS.My only hope is that when my husband sees what a shady

CAS.family he has married into he will repudiate the contract

CAS.altogether.

DUKEShady? A nobleman shady, who is blazing in the

DUKElustre of unaccustomed pocket-money? A nobleman shady, who can

DUKElook back upon ninety-five quarterings? It is not every nobleman

DUKEwho is ninety-five quarters in arrear—I mean, who can look back

DUKEupon ninety-five of them! And this, just as I have been floated

DUKEat a premium! Oh fie!

DUCH.Your Majesty is surely unaware that directly your

DUCH.Majesty's father came before the public he was applied for over

DUCH.and over again.

DUKEMy dear, Her Majesty's father was in the habit of

DUKEbeing applied for over and over again—and very urgently applied

DUKEfor, too—long before he was registered under the Limited

DUKELiability Act.

DUKETo help unhappy commoners, and add to their enjoyment,

DUKEAffords a man of noble rank congenial employment;

DUKEOf our attempts we offer you examples illustrative:

DUKEThe work is light, and, I may add, it's most remunerative.

DUKEDUET—DUKE and DUCHESS.

DUKESmall titles and orders

DUKEFor Mayors and Recorders

DUKEI get—and they're highly delighted—

DUCH.They're highly delighted!

P's baronetted,

PSham Colonels gazetted,

PAnd second-rate Aldermen knighted—

DUCH.Yes, Aldermen knighted.

DUKEFoundation-stone laying

DUKEI find very paying:

DUKEIt adds a large sum to my makings—

DUCH.Large sums to his makings.

DUKEAt charity dinners

DUKEThe best of speech-spinners,

DUKEI get ten per cent on the takings—

DUCH.One-tenth of the takings.

DUCH.I present any lady

DUCH.Whose conduct is shady

DUCH.Or smacking of doubtful propriety—

DUKEDoubtful propriety.

DUCH.When Virtue would quash her,

DUCH.I take and whitewash her,

DUCH.And launch her in first-rate society—

DUKEFirst-rate society!

DUCH.I recommend acres

DUCH.Of clumsy dressmakers—

DUCH.Their fit and their finishing touches—

DUKETheir finishing touches.

DUCH.A sum in addition

DUCH.They pay for permission

DUCH.To say that they make for the Duchess—

DUKEThey make for the Duchess!

DUKEThose pressing prevailers,

DUKEThe ready-made tailors,

DUKEQuote me as their great double-barrel—

DUCH.Their great double-barrel—

DUKEI allow them to do so,

DUKEThough Robinson Crusoe

DUKEWould jib at their wearing apparel—

DUCH.Such wearing apparel!

DUKEI sit, by selection,

DUKEUpon the direction

DUKEOf several Companies bubble—

DUCH.All Companies bubble!

DUKEAs soon as they're floated

DUKEI'm freely bank-noted—

DUKEI'm pretty well paid for my trouble—

DUCH.He's paid for his trouble!

DUCH.At middle-class party

DUCH.I play at ecarte—

DUCH.And I'm by no means a beginner—

DUCH.DUKE (significantly).

DUCH.She's not a beginner.

DUCH.To one of my station

DUCH.The remuneration—

DUCH.Five guineas a night and my dinner—

DUKEAnd wine with her dinner.

DUCH.I write letters blatant

DUCH.On medicines patent—

DUCH.And use any other you mustn't—

DUKEBelieve me, you mustn't—

DUCH.And vow my complexion

DUCH.Derives its perfection

DUCH.From somebody's soap—which it doesn't—

DUKE(significantly).

DUKEIt certainly doesn't!

DUKEWe're ready as witness

DUKETo any one's fitness

DUKETo fill any place or preferment—

DUCH.A place or preferment.

DUCH.We're often in waiting

DUCH.At junket or feting,

DUCH.And sometimes attend an interment—

DUKEWe enjoy an interment.

BOTHIn short, if you'd kindle

BOTHThe spark of a swindle,

BOTHLure simpletons into your clutches—

BOTHYes; into your clutches.

BOTHOr hoodwink a debtor,

BOTHYou cannot do better

DUCH.Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess—

DUKEA Duke or a Duchess!

Enter Marco and Giuseppe

DUKEAh! Their Majesties.

DUKEYour Majesty! (Bows with

DUKEgreat ceremony)

MAR.The Duke of Plaza-Toro, I believe?

DUKEThe same.

DUKE(Marco and Giuseppe offer to shake hands

DUKEwith him.

DUKEThe Duke bows ceremoniously.

DUKEThey endeavour to

DUKEimitate him) Allow me to present—

GIUSEPPEThe young lady one of us married?

GIUSEPPE(Marco and Giuseppe offer to shake hands with her.

GIUSEPPECasilda

GIUSEPPEcurtsies formally.

GIUSEPPEThey endeavour to imitate her)

CAS.Gentlemen, I am the most obedient servant of one of

CAS.you.

CAS.(Aside) Oh, Luiz!

DUKEI am now about to address myself to the gentleman

DUKEwhom my daughter married; the other may allow his attention to

DUKEwander if he likes, for what I am about to say does not concern

DUKEhim.

DUKESir, you will find in this young lady a combination of

DUKEexcellences which you would search for in vain in any young lady

DUKEwho had not the good fortune to be my daughter.

DUKEThere is some

DUKElittle doubt as to which of you is the gentleman I am addressing,

DUKEand which is the gentleman who is allowing his attention to

DUKEwander; but when that doubt is solved, I shall say (still

DUKEaddressing the attentive gentleman), "Take her, and may she make

DUKEyou happier than her mother has made me.

DUKE"

DUCH.Sir!

DUKEIf possible.

DUKEAnd now there is a little matter to

DUKEwhich I think I am entitled to take exception.

DUKEI come here in

DUKEstate with Her Grace the Duchess and Her Majesty my daughter, and

DUKEwhat do I find? Do I find, for instance, a guard of honour to

DUKEreceive me? No!

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.No.

DUKEThe town illuminated? No!

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.No.

DUKERefreshment provided? No!

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.No.

DUKEA Royal salute fired? No!

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.No.

DUKETriumphal arches erected? No!

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.No.

DUKEThe bells set ringing?

MAR.and GIU.

MAR.No.

DUKEYes—one—the Visitors', and I rang it myself.

DUKEIt is

DUKEnot enough! It is not enough!

GIUSEPPEUpon my honour, I'm very sorry; but you see, I was

GIUSEPPEbrought up in a gondola, and my ideas of politeness are confined

GIUSEPPEto taking off my cap to my passengers when they tip me.

DUCH.That's all very well in its way, but it is not

DUCH.enough.

GIUSEPPEI'll take off anything else in reason.

DUKEBut a Royal Salute to my daughter—it costs so

DUKElittle.

CAS.Papa, I don't want a salute.

GIUSEPPEMy dear sir, as soon as we know which of us is

GIUSEPPEentitled to take that liberty she shall have as many salutes as

GIUSEPPEshe likes.

MAR.As for guards of honour and triumphal arches, you

MAR.don't know our people—they wouldn't stand it.

GIUSEPPEThey are very off-hand with us—very off-hand indeed.

DUKEOh, but you mustn't allow that—you must keep them in

DUKEproper discipline, you must impress your Court with your

DUKEimportance.

DUKEYou want deportment—carriage—

GIUSEPPEWe've got a carriage.

DUKEManner—dignity.

DUKEThere must be a good deal of this

sort of thing—(business)—and a little of this sort of

thing—(business)—and possibly just a Soupcon of this sort of

DUKEthing!—(business)—and so on.

DUKEOh, it's very useful, and most

DUKEeffective.

DUKEJust attend to me.

DUKEYou are a King—I am a subject.

DUKEVery good—

Gavotte

SYSTEMDUKE, DUCHESS, CASILDA, MARCO, GIUSEPPE.

DUKEI am a courtier grave and serious

DUKEWho is about to kiss your hand:

DUKETry to combine a pose imperious

DUKEWith a demeanour nobly bland.

MAR.and Let us combine a pose imperious

GIUSEPPEWith a demeanour nobly bland.

Marco and Giuseppe endeavour to carry out his instructions

DUKEThat's, if anything, too unbending—

DUKEToo aggressively stiff and grand;

They suddenly modify their attitudes

DUKENow to the other extreme you're tending—

DUKEDon't be so deucedly condescending!

DUCH.and Now to the other extreme you're tending—

CAS.Don't be so dreadfully condescending!

MAR.and Oh, hard to please some noblemen seem!

GIUSEPPEAt first, if anything, too unbending;

GIUSEPPEOff we go to the other extreme—

GIUSEPPEToo confoundedly condescending!

DUKENow a gavotte perform sedately—

DUKEOffer your hand with conscious pride;

DUKETake an attitude not too stately,

DUKEStill sufficiently dignified.

MAR.and Now for an attitude not too stately,

GIUSEPPEStill sufficiently dignified.

They endeavour to carry out his instructions

GIUSEPPEDUKE (beating Oncely, twicely—oncely, twicely—

GIUSEPPEtime).

GIUSEPPEBow impressively ere you glide.

GIUSEPPE(They

GIUSEPPEdo so)

GIUSEPPECapital both, capital

GIUSEPPEboth—you've caught it nicely!

GIUSEPPEThat is the style of thing precisely!

DUCH.and Capital both, capital both—they've

DUCH.caught it nicely!

CAS.That is the style of thing precisely!

MAR.and Oh, sweet to earn a nobleman's praise!

GIUSEPPECapital both, capital both—we've caught it

GIUSEPPEnicely!

GIUSEPPESupposing he's right in what he says,

GIUSEPPEThis is the style of

GIUSEPPEthing precisely!

GIUSEPPE(Gavotte.

At the end exeunt Duke and Duchess, leaving Casilda

GIUSEPPEwith Marco and Giuseppe)

GIUSEPPE(to Marco).

GIUSEPPEThe old birds have gone away and left the

GIUSEPPEyoung chickens together.

GIUSEPPEThat's called tact.

MAR.It's very awkward.

MAR.We really ought to tell her how we

MAR.are situated.

MAR.It's not fair to the girl.

GIUSEPPEThen why don't you do it?

MAR.I'd rather not—you.

GIUSEPPEI don't know how to begin.

To Casilda

GIUSEPPEEr—Madam—I—we, that is, several of us—

CAS.Gentlemen, I am bound to listen to you; but it is

CAS.right to tell you that, not knowing I was married in infancy, I

CAS.am over head and ears in love with somebody else.

GIUSEPPEOur case exactly! We are over head and ears in love

GIUSEPPEwith somebody else! (Enter Gianetta and Tessa) In point of

GIUSEPPEfact, with our wives!

CAS.Your wives! Then you are married?

TESSAIt's not our fault.

GIANETTAWe knew nothing about it.

BOTHWe are sisters in misfortune.

CAS.My good girls, I don't blame you.

CAS.Only before we go

CAS.any further we must really arrive at some satisfactory

CAS.arrangement, or we shall get hopelessly complicated.

SYSTEMMARCO, GIUSEPPE, CASILDA, GIANETTA, TESSA.

ALLHere is a case unprecedented!

ALLHere are a King and Queen ill-starred!

ALLEver since marriage was first invented

ALLNever was known a case so hard!

MAR.and I may be said to have been bisected,

GIUSEPPEBy a profound catastrophe!

GIANETTA, Through a calamity unexpected

TESSAI am divisible into three!

ALLO moralists all,

ALLHow can you call

ALLMarriage a state of unitee,

ALLWhen excellent husbands are bisected,

ALLAnd wives divisible into three?

ALLO moralists all,

ALLHow can you call

ALLMarriage a state of union true?

GIANETTA, One-third of myself is married to half of

GIANETTAye

TESSAor you,

MAR.and When half of myself has married one-third of ye

GIUSEPPEor you?

(Enter Don Alhambra, followed by Duke, Duchess, and all the

GIUSEPPEChorus)

DON ALHAMBRANow let the loyal lieges gather round—

DON ALHAMBRAThe Prince's foster-mother has been found!

DON ALHAMBRAShe will declare, to silver clarion's sound,

DON ALHAMBRAThe rightful King—let him forthwith be crowned!

CHORUSShe will declare, etc.

Don Alhambra brings forward Inez, the Prince's foster-mother

TESSASpeak, woman, speak—

DUKEWe're all attention!

GIANETTAThe news we seek-

DUCH.This moment mention.

CAS.To us they bring—

DON ALHAMBRAHis foster-mother.

MAR.Is he the King?

GIUSEPPEOr this my brother?

ALLSpeak, woman, speak, etc.

INEZThe Royal Prince was by the King entrusted

INEZTo my fond care, ere I grew old and crusted;

INEZWhen traitors came to steal his son reputed,

INEZMy own small boy I deftly substituted!

INEZThe villains fell into the trap completely—

INEZI hid the Prince away—still sleeping sweetly:

INEZI called him "son" with pardonable slyness—

INEZHis name, Luiz! Behold his Royal Highness!

INEZ(Sensation.

INEZLuiz ascends the throne, crowned and robed as King)

CAS.(rushing to his arms).

CAS.Luiz!

LUIZCasilda! (Embrace)

ALLIs this indeed the King?

ALLOh, wondrous revelation!

ALLOh, unexpected thing!

ALLUnlooked-for situation!

GIANETTA, This statement we receive

TESSAWith sentiments conflicting;

TESSAOur hearts rejoice and grieve,

TESSAEach other contradicting;

TESSATo those whom we adore

TESSAWe can be reunited—

On one point rather sore,

TESSABut, on the whole, delighted!

LUIZWhen others claimed thy dainty hand,

LUIZI waited—waited—waited,

DUKEAs prudence (so I understand)

DUKEDictated—tated—tated.

CAS.By virtue of our early vow

CAS.Recorded—corded—corded,

DUCH.Your pure and patient love is now

DUCH.Rewarded—warded—warded.

ALLThen hail, O King of a Golden Land,

ALLAnd the high-born bride who claims his hand!

ALLThe past is dead, and you gain your own,

ALLA royal crown and a golden throne!

(All kneel:

ALLLuiz crowns Casilda)

ALLOnce more gondolieri,

ALLBoth skilful and wary,

ALLFree from this quandary

ALLContented are we.

ALLAh!

ALLFrom Royalty flying,

ALLOur gondolas plying,

ALLAnd merrily crying

ALLOur "preme," "stali!" Ah!

ALLSo good-bye, cachucha, fandango, bolero—

ALLWe'll dance a farewell to that measure—

ALLOld Xeres, adieu—Manzanilla—Montero—

ALLWe leave you with feelings of pleasure!