The Grand Duke

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The Grand Duke Libretto

THE STATUTORY DUELBy W.S. Gilbert

DRAMATIS PERSONAERUDOLPH (Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig).

DRAMATIS PERSONAERNEST DUMMKOPF (a Theatrical Manager).

DRAMATIS PERSONAELUDWIG (his Leading Comedian).

DRAMATIS PERSONAEDR.TANNHUSER (a Notary).

VISCOUNT MENTONEBEN HASHBAZ (a Costumier).

HERALDTHE PRINCESS OF MONTE CARLO (betrothed to RUDOLPH).

HERALDTHE BARONESS VON KRAKENFELDT (betrothed to RUDOLPH).

HERALDJULIA JELLICOE (an English Comdienne).

HERALDLISA (a Soubrette).

HERALDMembers of Ernest Dummkopf's Company:

MARTHAChamberlains, Nobles, Actors, Actresses, etc.

SYSTEMACT I.

MARTHA—Scene.

MARTHAPublic Square of Speisesaal.

SYSTEMACT II.

MARTHA—Scene.

MARTHAHall in the Grand Ducal Palace.

MARTHADate 1750.

MARTHAFirst produced at the Savoy Theatre on March 7, 1896.

SYSTEMACT I.

SYSTEMSCENE.

MARTHA—Market-place of Speisesaal, in the Grand Duchy of Pfennig

MARTHAHalbpfennig.

MARTHAA well, with decorated ironwork, up L.

GRETCHENBERTHA, OLGA, MARTHA, and other members of ERNEST DUMMKOPF'S

GRETCHENtheatrical company are discovered, seated at several small

GRETCHENtables, enjoying a repast in honour of the nuptials of LUDWIG,

GRETCHENhis leading comedian, and LISA, his soubrette.

CHORUSWon't it be a pretty wedding?

CHORUSWill not Lisa look delightful?

CHORUSSmiles and tears in plenty shedding—

CHORUSWhich in brides of course is rightful

CHORUSOne could say, if one were spiteful,

CHORUSContradiction little dreading,

CHORUSHer bouquet is simply frightful—

CHORUSStill, 'twill be a pretty wedding!

CHORUSOh, it is a pretty wedding!

CHORUSSuch a pretty, pretty wedding!

ELSAIf her dress is badly fitting,

ELSATheirs the fault who made her trousseau.

BERTHAIf her gloves are always splitting,

BERTHACheap kid gloves, we know, will do so.

OLGAIf upon her train she stumbled,

OLGAOn one's train one's always treading.

GRETIf her hair is rather tumbled,

GRETStill, 'twill be a pretty wedding!

CHORUSSuch a pretty, pretty wedding!

CHORUSHere they come, the couple plighted—

CHORUSOn life's journey gaily start them.

CHORUSSoon to be for aye united,

CHORUSTill divorce or death shall part them.

LUDWIG and LISA come forward

CHORUSDUET—LUDWIG and LISA.

LUDPretty Lisa, fair and tasty,

LUDTell me now, and tell me truly,

LUDHaven't you been rather hasty?

LUDHaven't you been rash unduly?

LUDAm I quite the dashing sposo

LUDThat your fancy could depict you?

LUDPerhaps you think I'm only so-so?

She expresses admiration

LUDWell, I will not contradict you!

CHORUSNo, he will not contradict you!

LISAWho am I to raise objection?

LISAI'm a child, untaught and homely—

LISAWhen you tell me you're perfection,

LISATender, truthful, true, and comely—

LISAThat in quarrel no one's bolder,

LISAThough dissensions always grieve you—

LISAWhy, my love, you're so much older

LISAThat, of course, I must believe you!

CHORUSYes, of course, she must believe you!

CHORUSIf he ever acts unkindly,

CHORUSShut your eyes and love him blindly—

CHORUSShould he call you names uncomely,

CHORUSShut your mouth and love him dumbly—

CHORUSShould he rate you, rightly—leftly—

CHORUSShut your ears and love him deafly.

CHORUSHa! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

CHORUSThus and thus and thus alone

CHORUSLudwig's wife may hold her own!

LUDWIG and LISA sit at table

Enter NOTARY TANNHAUSER.

NOTHallo!  Surely I'm not late?  (All chatter

NOTunintelligibly in reply)

NOTBut, dear me, you're all at breakfast!  Has the

NOTwedding taken place? (All chatter unintelligibly in reply)

NOTMy good girls, one at a time, I beg.

NOTLet me

NOTunderstand the situation.

NOTAs solicitor to the conspiracy to

NOTdethrone the Grand Duke—a conspiracy in which the members of

NOTthis company are deeply involved—I am invited to the marriage of

NOTtwo of its members.

NOTI present myself in due course, and I find,

NOTnot only that the ceremony has taken place—which is not of the

NOTleast consequence —but the wedding breakfast is half

NOTeaten—which is a consideration of the most serious importance.

LUDWIG and LISA come down

LUDBut the ceremony has not taken place.

LUDWe can't get a

LUDparson!

NOTCan't get a parson!  Why, how's that?  They're three

NOTa

NOTpenny!

LUDOh, it's the old story—the Grand Duke!

ALLUgh!

LUDIt seems that the little imp has selected this, our

LUDwedding day, for a convocation of all the clergy in the town to

LUDsettle the details of his approaching marriage with the

LUDenormously wealthy Baroness von Krakenfeldt, and there won't be a

LUDparson to be had for love or money until six o'clock this

LUDevening!

LISAAnd as we produce our magnificent classical revival

LISAof Troilus and Cressida to-night at seven, we have no alternative

LISAbut to eat our wedding breakfast before we've earned it.

LISASo sit

LISAdown, and make the best of it.

GRETOh, I should like to pull his Grand Ducal ears for

GREThim, that I should!  He's the meanest, the cruellest, the most

GRETspiteful little ape in Christendom!

OLGAWell, we shall soon be freed from his tyranny.

OLGATo-morrow the Despot is to be dethroned!

LUDHush, rash girl!  You know not what you say.

OLGADon't be absurd!  We're all in it—we're all tiled,

OLGAhere.

LUDThat has nothing to do with it.

LUDKnow ye not that in

LUDalluding to our conspiracy without having first given and

LUDreceived the secret sign, you are violating a fundamental

LUDprinciple of our Association?

LUDWIGBy the mystic regulation

LUDWIGOf our dark Association,

LUDWIGEre you open conversation

LUDWIGWith another kindred soul,

LUDWIGYou must eat a sausage-roll! (Producing one)

ALLYou must eat a sausage-roll!

If, in turn, he eats another,

LUDThat's a sign that he's a brother—

LUDEach may fully trust the other.

LUDIt is quaint and it is droll,

LUDBut it's bilious on the whole.

ALLVery bilious on the whole.

LUDIt's a greasy kind of pasty,

LUDWhich, perhaps, a judgement hasty

LUDMight consider rather tasty:

LUDOnce (to speak without disguise)

LUDIt found favour in our eyes.

ALLIt found favour in our eyes.

LUDBut when you've been six months feeding

LUD(As we have) on this exceeding

LUDBilious food, it's no ill-breeding

LUDIf at these repulsive pies

LUDOur offended gorges rise!

ALLOur offended gorges rise!

MARTHAOh, bother the secret sign!  I've eaten it until

MARTHAI'm quite uncomfortable!  I've given it six times already

MARTHAto-day—and (whimpering) I can't eat any breakfast!

BERTHAAnd it's so unwholesome.

BERTHAWhy, we should all be as

BERTHAyellow as frogs if it wasn't for the make-up!

LUDAll this is rank treason to the cause.

LUDI suffer as

LUDmuch as any of you.

LUDI loathe the repulsive thing—I can't

LUDcontemplate it without a shudder—but I'm a conscientious

conspirator, and if you won't give the sign I will.

LUD(Eats

LUDsausage-roll with an effort)

LISAPoor martyr!  He's always at it, and it's a wonder

LISAwhere he puts it!

NOTWell now, about Troilus and Cressida.

NOTWhat do you

NOTplay?

LUD(struggling with his feelings).

LUDIf you'll be so

LUDobliging as to wait until I've got rid of this feeling of warm

LUDoil at the bottom of my throat, I'll tell you all about it.

(LISA gives him some brandy)  Thank you, my love; it's gone.

LUDWell, the piece will be produced upon a scale of unexampled

LUDmagnificence.

LUDIt is confidently predicted that my appearance as

LUDKing Agamemnon, in a Louis Quatorze wig, will mark an epoch in

LUDthe theatrical annals of Pfennig Halbpfennig.

LUDI endeavoured to

LUDpersuade Ernest Dummkopf, our manager, to lend us the classical

LUDdresses for our marriage.

LUDThink of the effect of a real Athenian

LUDwedding procession cavorting through the streets of Speisesaal!

LUDTorches burning—cymbals banging—flutes tootling—citharae

LUDtwanging—and a throng of fifty lovely Spartan virgins capering

LUDbefore us, all down the High Street, singing "Eloia! Eloia!

LUDOpoponax, Eloia!" It would have been tremendous!

NOTAnd he declined?

LUDHe did, on the prosaic ground that it might rain, and

LUDthe ancient Greeks didn't carry umbrellas!  If, as is confidently

LUDexpected, Ernest Dummkopf is elected to succeed the dethroned

LUDone, mark any words, he will make a mess of it.

[Exit LUDWIG with LISA.

OLGAHe's sure to be elected.

OLGAHis entire company has

OLGApromised to plump for him on the understanding that all the

OLGAplaces about the Court are filled by members of his troupe,

OLGAaccording to professional precedence.

ERNEST enters in great excitement.

OLGABERTHA (looking off).

OLGAHere comes Ernest Dummkopf.

OLGANow we

OLGAshall know all about it!

ALLWell—what's the news?  How is the election going?

ERNOh, it's a certainty—a practical certainty!  Two of

ERNthe candidates have been arrested for debt, and the third is a

ERNbaby in arms—so, if you keep your promises, and vote solid, I'm

ERNcocksure of election!

OLGATrust to us.

OLGABut you remember the conditions?

ERNYes—all of you shall be provided for, for life.

ERNEvery man shall be ennobled—every lady shall have unlimited

ERNcredit at the Court Milliner's, and all salaries shall be paid

ERNweekly in advance!

GRETOh, it's quite clear he knows how to rule a Grand

GRETDuchy!

ERNRule a Grand Duchy?  Why, my good girl, for ten years

ERNpast I've ruled a theatrical company!  A man who can do that can

ERNrule anything!

ERNESTWere I a king in very truth,

ERNESTAnd had a son—a guileless youth—

ERNESTIn probable succession;

ERNESTTo teach him patience, teach him tact,

ERNESTHow promptly in a fix to act,

He should adopt, in point of fact,

ERNESTA manager's profession.

ERNESTTo that condition he should stoop

ERNEST(Despite a too fond mother),

ERNESTWith eight or ten "stars" in his troupe,

ERNESTAll jealous of each other!

ERNESTOh, the man who can rule a theatrical crew,

ERNESTEach member a genius (and some of them two),

ERNESTAnd manage to humour them, little and great,

ERNESTCan govern this tuppenny State!

ALLOh, the man, etc.

ALLBoth A and B rehearsal slight—

ALLThey say they'll be "all right at night"

ALL(They've both to go to school yet);

ALLC in each act must change her dress,

ALLD will attempt to "square the press";

ALLE won't play Romeo unless

ALLHis grandmother plays Juliet;

ALLF claims all hoydens as her rights

ALL(She's played them thirty seasons);

ALLAnd G must show herself in tights

ALLFor two convincing reasons—

ALLTwo very well-shaped reasons!

ALLOh, the man who can drive a theatrical team,

ALLWith wheelers and leaders in order supreme,

ALLCan govern and rule, with a wave of his fin,

ALLAll Europe—with Ireland thrown in!

ALLOh, the man, etc.

[Exeunt all but ERNEST.

ERNElected by my fellow-conspirators to be Grand Duke of

ERNPfennig Halbpfennig as soon as the contemptible little occupant

ERNof the historical throne is deposed—here is promotion indeed!

ERNWhy, instead of playing Troilus of Troy for a month, I shall play

ERNGrand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig for a lifetime!  Yet, am I

ERNhappy?  No—far from happy!  The lovely English comdienne—the

ERNbeautiful Julia, whose dramatic ability is so overwhelming that

ERNour audiences forgive even her strong English accent—that rare

ERNand radiant being treats my respectful advances with disdain

ERNunutterable!  And yet, who knows?  She is haughty and ambitious,

ERNand it may be that the splendid change in my fortunes may work a

ERNcorresponding change in her feelings towards me!

Enter JULIA JELLICOE.

JULIAHerr Dummkopf, a word with you, if you please.

ERNBeautiful English maiden—

JULIANo compliments, I beg.

JULIAI desire to speak with you

JULIAon a

JULIApurely professional matter, so we will, if you please, dispense

JULIAwith

JULIAallusions to my personal appearance, which can only tend to widen

THEbreach which already exists between us.

(aside).

ERNMy only hope shattered!  The haughty

ERNLondoner

ERNstill despises me!  (Aloud)  It shall be as you will.

JULIAI understand that the conspiracy in which we are

JULIAall

JULIAconcerned is to develop to-morrow, and that the company is likely

JULIAto elect you to the throne on the understanding that the posts

JULIAabout the Court are to be filled by members of your theatrical

JULIAtroupe, according to their professional importance.

ERNThat is so.

JULIAThen all I can say is that it places me in an

JULIAextremely awkward position.

ERN(very depressed).

ERNI don't see how it concerns you.

JULIAWhy, bless my heart, don't you see that, as your

JULIAleading lady, I am bound under a serious penalty to play the

JULIAleading part in all your productions?

ERNWell?

JULIAWhy, of course, the leading part in this production

JULIAwill be the Grand Duchess!

ERNMy wife?

JULIAThat is another way of expressing the same idea.

(aside—delighted).

ERNI scarcely dared even to hope

ERNfor

ERNthis!

JULIAOf course, as your leading lady, you'll be mean

JULIAenough to hold me to the terms of my agreement.

JULIAOh, that's so

JULIAlike a man!  Well, I suppose there's no help for it—I shall have

JULIAto do it!

(aside).

ERNShe's mine!  (Aloud)  But—do you really

ERNthink you would care to play that part?  (Taking her hand)

ERNJULIA (withdrawing it).

ERNCare to play it?  Certainly

ERNnot—but what am I to do?  Business is business, and I am bound

ERNby the terms of my agreement.

ERNIt's for a long run, mind—a run that may last many,

ERNmany years—no understudy—and once embarked upon there's no

throwing it up.

JULIAOh, we're used to these long runs in England:

JULIAthey

JULIAare the curse of the stage—but, you see, I've no option.

ERNYou think the part of Grand Duchess will be good

ERNenough for you?

JULIAOh, I think so.

JULIAIt's a very good part in

JULIAGerolstein, and oughtn't to be a bad one in Pfennig Halbpfennig.

JULIAWhy, what did you suppose I was going to play?

ERN(keeping up a show of reluctance)  But, considering

ERNyour strong personal dislike to me and your persistent rejection

of my repeated offers, won't you find it difficult to throw

ERNyourself into the part with all the impassioned enthusiasm that

ERNthe character seems to demand?  Remember, it's a strongly

ERNemotional part, involving long and repeated scenes of rapture,

ERNtenderness, adoration, devotion—all in luxuriant excess, and all

ERNof the most demonstrative description.

JULIAMy good sir, throughout my career I have made it a

JULIArule never to allow private feeling to interfere with my

JULIAprofessional duties.

JULIAYou may be quite sure that (however

JULIAdistasteful the part may be) if I undertake it, I shall consider

myself professionally bound to throw myself into it with all the

JULIAardour at my command.

(aside—with effusion).

ERNI'm the happiest fellow

ERNalive!

ERN(Aloud)  Now—would you have any objection—to—to give me some

ERNidea—if it's only a mere sketch—as to how you would play it?

ERNIt would be really interesting—to me—to know your conception

ERNof—of—the part of my wife.

JULIAHow would I play it?  Now, let me see—let me see.

JULIA(Considering)  Ah, I have it!

JULIAHow would I play this part—

JULIAThe Grand Duke's Bride?

JULIAAll rancour in my heart

I'd duly hide—

JULIAI'd drive it from my recollection

JULIAAnd 'whelm you with a mock affection,

JULIAWell calculated to defy detection—

JULIAThat's how I'd play this part—

JULIAThe Grand Duke's Bride.

JULIAWith many a winsome smile

JULIAI'd witch and woo;

JULIAWith gay and girlish guile

JULIAI'd frenzy you—

JULIAI'd madden you with my caressing,

JULIALike turtle, her first love confessing—

JULIAThat it was "mock", no mortal would be

JULIAguessing,

JULIAWith so much winsome wile

JULIAI'd witch and woo!

JULIADid any other maid

JULIAWith you succeed,

JULIAI'd pinch the forward jade—

JULIAI would indeed!

JULIAWith jealous frenzy agitated

JULIA(Which would, of course, be simulated),

JULIAI'd make her wish she'd never been created—

JULIADid any other maid

JULIAWith you succeed!

JULIAAnd should there come to me,

JULIASome summers hence,

JULIAIn all the childish glee

JULIAOf innocence,

JULIAFair babes, aglow with beauty vernal,

JULIAMy heart would bound with joy diurnal!

JULIAThis sweet display of sympathy maternal,

JULIAWell, that would also be

JULIAA mere pretence!

JULIAMy histrionic art

JULIAThough you deride,

JULIAThat's how I'd play that part—

JULIAThe Grand Duke's Bride!

JULIAOh joy! when two glowing young            My boy, when two

JULIAglowing

JULIAhearts,                                      young hearts

From the rise of the curtain,             From the rise of the

JULIAcurtain,

Thus throw themselves into their          Thus throw themselves

JULIAinto

JULIAtheir parts,                                parts,

JULIASuccess is most certain!                Success is most

JULIAcertain!

JULIAIf the role you're prepared to endow      The role I'm prepared

JULIAto

JULIAendow

JULIAWith such delicate touches,               With most delicate

JULIAtouch-

JULIAes,

JULIABy the heaven above us, I vow             By the heaven above us,

Ivow

IYou shall be my Grand Duchess!            I will be your Grand

IDuchess!

Dance

Enter all the Chorus with LUDWIG, NOTARY,

Iand LISA—all greatly agitated.

CHORUSMy goodness me!  What shall we do?  Why, what a dreadful

CHORUSsituation!

CHORUS(To LUD)  It's all your fault, you booby you—you lump of

CHORUSindiscrimination!

CHORUSI'm sure I don't know where to go—it's put me into such a

CHORUStetter—

CHORUSBut this at all events I know—the sooner we are off, the

CHORUSbetter!

ERNWhat means this agitato?  What d'ye seek?

ERNAs your Grand Duke elect I bid you speak!

LUDWIGTen minutes since I met a chap

LUDWIGWho bowed an easy salutation—

LUDWIGThinks I, "This gentleman, mayhap,

LUDWIGBelongs to our Association.

LUDWIG"

LUDWIGBut, on the whole,

LUDWIGUncertain yet,

LUDWIGA sausage-roll

LUDWIGI took and eat—

LUDWIGThat chap replied (I don't embellish)

LUDWIGBy eating three with obvious relish.

LUDWIGCHORUS (angrily).

LUDWIGWhy, gracious powers,

LUDWIGNo chum of ours

LUDWIGCould eat three sausage-rolls with relish!

LUDQuite reassured, I let him know

LUDOur plot—each incident explaining;

LUDThat stranger chuckled much, as though

LUDHe thought me highly entertaining.

LUDI told him all,

LUDBoth bad and good;

LUDI bade him call—

LUDHe said he would:

LUDI added much—the more I muckled,

LUDThe more that chuckling chummy chuckled!

LUDALL (angrily).

LUDA bat could see

LUDHe couldn't be

LUDA chum of ours if he chuckled!

LUDWell, as I bowed to his applause,

LUDDown dropped he with hysteric bellow—

LUDAnd that seemed right enough, because

LUDI am a devilish funny fellow.

LUDThen suddenly,

LUDAs still he squealed,

LUDIt flashed on me

LUDThat I'd revealed

LUDOur plot, with all details effective,

LUDTo Grand Duke Rudolph's own detective!

ALLWhat folly fell,

ALLTo go and tell

ALLOur plot to any one's detective!

CHORUS(Attacking LUDWIG)  You booby dense—

CHORUSYou oaf immense,

CHORUSWith no pretence

CHORUSTo common sense!

CHORUSA stupid muff

CHORUSWho's made of stuff

CHORUSNot worth a puff

CHORUSOf candle-snuff!

CHORUSPack up at once and off we go, unless we're anxious to exhibit

CHORUSOur fairy forms all in a row, strung up upon the Castle gibbet!

[Exeunt Chorus.

CHORUSManent LUDWIG, LISA,

CHORUSERNEST, JULIA, and NOTARY.

JULIAWell, a nice mess you've got us into!  There's an

JULIAend of our precious plot!  All up—pop—fizzle—bang—done for!

LUDYes, but—ha! ha!—fancy my choosing the Grand Duke's

LUDprivate detective, of all men, to make a confidant of!  When you

LUDcome to think of it, it's really devilish funny!

ERN(angrily).

ERNWhen you come to think of it, it's

ERNextremely injudicious to admit into a conspiracy every

ERNpudding-headed baboon who presents himself!

LUDYes—I should never do that.

LUDIf I were chairman of

LUDthis gang, I should hesitate to enrol any baboon who couldn't

LUDproduce satisfactory credentials from his last Zoological

LUDGardens.

LISALudwig is far from being a baboon.

LISAPoor boy, he

LISAcould not help giving us away—it's his trusting nature—he was

LISAdeceived.

LISAJULIA (furiously).

LISAHis trusting nature!  (To LUDWIG)  Oh,

LISAI should like to talk to you in my own language for five

LISAminutes—only five minutes!  I know some good, strong, energetic

LISAEnglish remarks that would shrivel your trusting nature into

LISAraisins—only you wouldn't understand them!

LUDHere we perceive one of the disadvantages of a

LUDneglected education!

ERN(to JULIA).

ERNAnd I suppose you'll never be my Grand

ERNDuchess now!

JULIAGrand Duchess?  My good friend, if you don't

JULIAproduce

JULIAthe piece how can I play the part?

ERNTrue.

ERN(To LUDWIG)  You see what you've done.

LUDBut, my dear sir, you don't seem to understand that

LUDthe man ate three sausage-rolls.

LUDKeep that fact steadily before

LUDyou.

LUDThree large sausage-rolls.

JULIABah!—Lots of people eat sausage-rolls who are not

JULIAconspirators.

LUDThen they shouldn't.

LUDIt's bad form.

LUDIt's not the

LUDgame.

LUDWhen one of the Human Family proposes to eat a

LUDsausage-roll, it is his duty to ask himself, "Am I a

LUDconspirator?"  And if, on examination, he finds that he is not a

LUDconspirator, he is bound in honour to select some other form of

LUDrefreshment.

LISAOf course he is.

LISAOne should always play the game.

LISA(To NOTARY, who has been smiling placidly through this)  What

LISAare you grinning at, you greedy old man?

NOTNothing—don't mind me.

NOTIt is always amusing to the

NOTlegal mind to see a parcel of laymen bothering themselves about a

NOTmatter which to a trained lawyer presents no difficulty whatever.

ALLNo difficulty!

NOTNone whatever!  The way out of it is quite simple.

ALLSimple?

NOTCertainly!  Now attend.

NOTIn the first place, you two

NOTmen fight a Statutory Duel.

ERNA Statutory Duel?

JULIAA Stat-tat-tatutory Duel!  Ach! what a crack-jaw

JULIAlanguage this German is!

LUDNever heard of such a thing.

NOTIt is true that the practice has fallen into abeyance

NOTthrough disuse.

NOTBut all the laws of Pfennig Halbpfennig run for

NOTa hundred years, when they die a natural death, unless, in the

NOTmeantime, they have been revived for another century.

NOTThe Act

NOTthat institutes the Statutory Duel was passed a hundred years

NOTago, and as it has never been revived, it expires to-morrow.

NOTSo

NOTyou're just in time.

JULIABut what is the use of talking to us about

JULIAStatutory

JULIADuels when we none of us know what a Statutory Duel is?

NOTDon't you?  Then I'll explain.

NOTAbout a century since,

NOTThe code of the duello

NOTTo sudden death

NOTFor want of breath

NOTSent many a strapping fellow.

NOTThe then presiding Prince

NOT(Who useless bloodshed hated),

NOTHe passed an Act,

NOTShort and compact,

NOTWhich may be briefly stated.

NOTUnlike the complicated laws

A Parliamentary draftsman draws,

NOTIt may be briefly stated.

ALLWe know that complicated laws,

Such as a legal draftsman draws,

ALLCannot be briefly stated.

NOTBy this ingenious law,

NOTIf any two shall quarrel,

NOTThey may not fight

NOTWith falchions bright

NOT(Which seemed to him immoral);

But each a card shall draw,

And he who draws the lowest

NOTShall (so 'twas said)

NOTBe thenceforth dead—

NOTIn fact, a legal "ghoest"

NOT(When exigence of rhyme compels,

NOTOrthography forgoes her spells,

NOTAnd "ghost" is written "ghoest").

ALL (aside)       With what an emphasis he dwells

NOTUpon "orthography" and "spells"!

NOTThat kind of fun's the lowest.

NOTWhen off the loser's popped

NOT(By pleasing legal fiction),

NOTAnd friend and foe

NOTHave wept their woe

NOTIn counterfeit affliction,

NOTThe winner must adopt

NOTThe loser's poor relations—

NOTDischarge his debts,

NOTPay all his bets,

And take his obligations.

NOTIn short, to briefly sum the case,

The winner takes the loser's place,

NOTWith all its obligations.

ALLHow neatly lawyers state a case!

The winner takes the loser's place,

ALLWith all its obligations!

LUDI see.

The man who draws the lowest card—

NOTDies, ipso facto, a social death.

NOTHe loses all his

NOTcivil rights—his identity disappears—the Revising Barrister

NOTexpunges his name from the list of voters, and the winner takes

NOThis place, whatever it may be, discharges all his functions, and

NOTadopts all his responsibilities.

ERNThis is all very well, as far as it goes, but it only

ERNprotects one of us.

ERNWhat's to become of the survivor?

Yes, that's an interesting point, because I might be

LUDthe survivor.

NOTThe survivor goes at once to the Grand Duke, and, in

NOTa

NOTburst of remorse, denounces the dead man as the moving spirit of

NOTthe plot.

NOTHe is accepted as King's evidence, and, as a matter of

NOTcourse, receives a free pardon.

NOTTo-morrow, when the law expires,

NOTthe dead man will, ipso facto, come to life again—the Revising

NOTBarrister will restore his name to the list of voters, and he

NOTwill resume all his obligations as though nothing unusual had

NOThappened.

JULIAWhen he will be at once arrested, tried, and

JULIAexecuted on the evidence of the informer!  Candidly, my friend, I

JULIAdon't think much of your plot!

NOTDear, dear, dear, the ignorance of the laity!  My

NOTgood

NOTyoung lady, it is a beautiful maxim of our glorious Constitution

NOTthat a man can only die once.

NOTDeath expunges crime, and when he

NOTcomes to life again, it will be with a clean slate.

ERNIt's really very ingenious.

LUD(to NOTARY).

LUDMy dear sir, we owe you our lives!

LISA (aside to LUDWIG).

LUDMay I kiss him?

LUDCertainly not:

LUDyou're a big girl now.

To ERNEST

LUDWell, miscreant, are you prepared to meet me on the field of

LUDhonour?

ERNAt once.

ERNBy Jove, what a couple of fire-eaters we

ERNare!

LISALudwig doesn't know what fear is.

LUDOh, I don't mind this sort of duel!

ERNIt's not like a duel with swords.

ERNI hate a duel with

ERNswords.

ERNIt's not the blade I mind—it's the blood.

LUDAnd I hate a duel with pistols.

LUDIt's not the ball I

LUDmind—it's the bang.

NOTAltogether it is a great improvement on the old

NOTmethod

NOTof giving satisfaction.

ERNESTStrange the views some people hold!

ERNESTTwo young fellows quarrel—

ERNESTThen they fight, for both are bold—

ERNESTRage of both is uncontrolled—

ERNESTBoth are stretched out, stark and cold!

ERNESTPrithee, where's the moral?

ERNESTDing dong!  Ding dong!

ERNESTThere's an end to further action,

ERNESTAnd this barbarous transaction

ERNESTIs described as "satisfaction"!

ERNESTHa! ha! ha! ha! satisfaction!

ERNESTDing dong! Ding dong!

ERNESTEach is laid in churchyard mould—

ERNESTStrange the views some people hold!

ERNESTBetter than the method old,

ERNESTWhich was coarse and cruel,

ERNESTIs the plan that we've extolled.

ERNESTSing thy virtues manifold

ERNEST(Better than refined gold),

ERNESTStatutory Duel!

ERNESTSing song! Sing song!

ERNESTSword or pistol neither uses—

ERNESTPlaying card he lightly chooses,

ERNESTAnd the loser simply loses!

ERNESTHa! ha! ha! ha! simply loses.

ERNESTSing song! Sing song!

ERNESTSome prefer the churchyard mould!

ERNESTStrange the views some people hold!

NOT(offering a card to ERNEST).

Now take a card and gaily sing

NOTHow little you care for Fortune's rubs—

(drawing a card).

ERNHurrah, hurrah!—I've drawn a King:

ALLHe's drawn a King!

ALLSing Hearts and Diamonds, Spades and Clubs!

ALLALL (dancing).

ALLHe's drawn a King!

ALLHow strange a thing!

ALLAn excellent card—his chance it aids—

ALLSing Hearts and Diamonds, Spades and Clubs—

ALLSing Diamonds, Hearts and Clubs and Spades!

NOT(to LUDWIG).

Now take a card with heart of grace—

NOT(Whatever our fate, let's play our parts).

(drawing card).

LUDHurrah, hurrah!—I've drawn an Ace!

ALLHe's drawn an Ace!

ALLSing Clubs and Diamonds, Spades and Hearts!

ALLALL (dancing).

ALLHe's drawn an Ace!

ALLObserve his face—

Such very good fortune falls to few—

ALLSing Clubs and Diamonds, Spades and Hearts—

ALLSing Clubs, Spades, Hearts and Diamonds too!

NOTThat both these maids may keep their troth,

NOTAnd never misfortune them befall,

NOTI'll hold 'em as trustee for both—

ALLHe'll hold 'em both!

ALLSing Hearts, Clubs, Diamonds, Spades and all!

ALLALL (dancing).

ALLBy joint decree

ALLAs {our/your} trustee

ALLThis Notary {we/you} will now instal—

ALLIn custody let him keep {their/our} hearts,

ALLSing Hearts, Clubs, Diamonds, Spades and all!

[Dance and exeunt LUDWIG, ERNEST, and

ALLNOTARY with the two Girls.

ALLMarch.

Enter the seven Chamberlains of the

CHORUS OF CHAMBERLAINSThe good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig,

CHORUS OF CHAMBERLAINSThough, in his own opinion, very very big,

In point of fact he's nothing but a miserable prig

CHORUS OF CHAMBERLAINSIs the good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig!

CHORUS OF CHAMBERLAINSThough quite contemptible, as every one agrees,

CHORUS OF CHAMBERLAINSWe must dissemble if we want our bread and cheese,

CHORUS OF CHAMBERLAINSSo hail him in a chorus, with enthusiasm big,

CHORUS OF CHAMBERLAINSThe good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig!

Enter the GRAND DUKE RUDOLPH.

CHORUS OF CHAMBERLAINSHe is meanly and miserably dressed

CHORUS OF CHAMBERLAINSin old and patched clothes, but blazes with a profusion of

CHORUS OF CHAMBERLAINSorders and decorations.

CHORUS OF CHAMBERLAINSHe is very weak and ill, from low

CHORUS OF CHAMBERLAINSliving.

RUDOLPHA pattern to professors of monarchical autonomy,

RUDOLPHI don't indulge in levity or compromising bonhomie,

RUDOLPHBut dignified formality, consistent with economy,

RUDOLPHAbove all other virtues I particularly prize.

RUDOLPHI never join in merriment—I don't see joke or jape any—

RUDOLPHI never tolerate familiarity in shape any—

RUDOLPHThis, joined with an extravagant respect for

RUDOLPHtuppence-ha'penny,

RUDOLPHA keynote to my character sufficiently supplies.

RUDOLPH(Speaking)  Observe.

RUDOLPH(To Chamberlains)  My snuff-box!

RUDOLPH(The snuff-box is passed with much ceremony from the Junior

RUDOLPHChamberlain, through all the others, until it is presented

RUDOLPHby the  Senior Chamberlain to RUDOLPH, who uses it)

RUDOLPHThat incident a keynote to my character supplies.

RUDI weigh out tea and sugar with precision mathematical—

RUDInstead of beer, a penny each—my orders are emphatical—

RUD(Extravagance unpardonable, any more than that I call),

RUDBut, on the other hand, my Ducal dignity to keep—

RUDAll Courtly ceremonial—to put it comprehensively—

RUDI rigidly insist upon (but not, I hope, offensively)

RUDWhenever ceremonial can be practised inexpensively—

RUDAnd, when you come to think of it, it's really very

RUDcheap!

RUD(Speaking)  Observe.

RUD(To Chamberlains)  My handkerchief!

RUD(Handkerchief is handed by Junior Chamberlain to the next in

RUDorder, and so on until it reaches RUDOLPH, who is much

RUDinconvenienced by the delay)

RUDIt's sometimes inconvenient, but it's always very cheap!

RUDMy Lord Chamberlain, as you are aware, my marriage

RUDwith the wealthy Baroness von Krakenfeldt will take place

RUDto-morrow, and you will be good enough to see that the rejoicings

RUDare on a scale of unusual liberality.

RUDPass that on.

RUD(Chamberlain

whispers to Vice-Chamberlain, who whispers to the next, and so

RUDon)  The sports will begin with a Wedding Breakfast Bee.

THEleading pastry-cooks of the town will be invited to compete, and

THEthe winner will not only enjoy the satisfaction of seeing his

THEbreakfast devoured by the Grand Ducal pair, but he will also be

THEentitled to have the Arms of Pfennig Halbpfennig tattoo'd between

THEhis shoulder-blades.

THEThe Vice-Chamberlain will see to this.

THEAll

THEthe public fountains of Speisesaal will run with Gingerbierheim

THEand Currantweinmilch at the public expense.

THEThe Assistant

THEVice-Chamberlain will see to this.

THEAt night, everybody will

THEilluminate; and as I have no desire to tax the public funds

THEunduly, this will be done at the inhabitants' private expense.

THEThe Deputy Assistant Vice-Chamberlain will see to this.

THEAll my

THEGrand Ducal subjects will wear new clothes, and the Sub-Deputy

THEAssistant Vice-Chamberlain will collect the usual commission on

THEall sales.

THEWedding presents (which, on this occasion, should be

THEon a scale of extraordinary magnificence) will be received at the

THEPalace at any hour of the twenty-four, and the Temporary

THESub-Deputy Assistant Vice-Chamberlain will sit up all night for

THEthis purpose.

THEThe entire population will be commanded to enjoy

THEthemselves, and with this view the Acting Temporary Sub-Deputy

THEAssistant Vice-Chamberlain will sing comic songs in the

THEMarket-place from noon to nightfall.

THEFinally, we have composed a

THEWedding Anthem, with which the entire population are required to

THEprovide themselves.

THEIt can be obtained from our Grand Ducal

THEpublishers at the usual discount price, and all the Chamberlains

THEwill be expected to push the sale.

THE(Chamberlains bow and

exeunt).

THEI don't feel at all comfortable.

THEI hope I'm not doing

THEa foolish thing in getting married.

THEAfter all, it's a poor heart

THEthat never rejoices, and this wedding of mine is the first little

THEtreat I've allowed myself since my christening.

THEBesides,

THECaroline's income is very considerable, and as her ideas of

economy are quite on a par with mine, it ought to turn out well.

THEBless her tough old heart, she's a mean little darling!  Oh, here

THEshe is, punctual to her appointment!

Enter BARONESS VON KRAKENFELDT.

BARONESSRudolph!  Why, what's the matter?

RUDWhy, I'm not quite myself, my pet.

RUDI'm a little

RUDworried and upset.

RUDI want a tonic.

RUDIt's the low diet, I think.

I am afraid, after all, I shall have to take the bull by the

RUDhorns and have an egg with my breakfast.

BARONESSI shouldn't do anything rash, dear.

BARONESSBegin with a

BARONESSjujube.

Gives him one

RUD(about to eat it, but changes his mind).

RUDI'll keep it

RUDfor supper.

RUD(He sits by her and tries to put his arm round her

RUDwaist)

BARONESSRudolph, don't!  What in the world are you thinking

BARONESSof?

I was thinking of embracing you, my sugarplum.

RUDJust

RUDas a little cheap treat.

BARONESSWhat, here?  In public?  Really, you appear to have

BARONESSno

BARONESSsense of delicacy.

RUDNo sense of delicacy, Bon-bon!

BARONESSNo.

BARONESSI can't make you out.

BARONESSWhen you courted me, all

BARONESSyour courting was done publicly in the Marketplace.

BARONESSWhen you

BARONESSproposed to me, you proposed in the Market-place.

BARONESSAnd now that

BARONESSwe're engaged you seem to desire that our first tte-

BARONESSoccur in the Marketplace!  Surely you've a room in your

BARONESSPalace—with blinds—that would do?

RUDBut, my own, I can't help myself.

RUDI'm bound by my

RUDown

RUDdecree.

BARONESSYour own decree?

RUDYes.

RUDYou see, all the houses that give on the

RUDMarket-place belong to me, but the drains (which date back to the

RUDreign of Charlemagne) want attending to, and the houses wouldn't

RUDlet—so, with a view to increasing the value of the property, I

RUDdecreed that all love-episodes between affectionate couples

RUDshould take place, in public, on this spot, every Monday,

RUDWednesday, and Friday, when the band doesn't play.

BARONESSBless me, what a happy idea!  So moral too!  And have

BARONESSyou found it answer?

RUDAnswer?  The rents have gone up fifty per cent, and

RUDthe sale of opera-glasses (which is a Grand Ducal monopoly) has

RUDreceived an extraordinary stimulus!  So, under the circumstances,

RUDwould you allow me to put my arm round your waist?  As a source

RUDof income.

RUDJust once!

BARONESSBut it's so very embarrassing.

BARONESSThink of the

BARONESSopera-glasses!

RUDMy good girl, that's just what I am thinking of.

RUDHang

RUDit all, we must give them something for their money!  What's

RUDthat?

BARONESS(unfolding paper, which contains a large letter,

BARONESSwhich

BARONESSshe hands to him).

BARONESSIt's a letter which your detective asked me

BARONESSto hand to you.

BARONESSI wrapped it up in yesterday's paper to keep it

BARONESSclean.

RUDOh, it's only his report!  That'll keep.

RUDBut, I say,

RUDyou've never been and bought a newspaper?

BARONESSMy dear Rudolph, do you think I'm mad?  It came

BARONESSwrapped round my breakfast.

RUD(relieved).

I thought you were not the sort of girl

RUDto

RUDgo and buy a newspaper!  Well, as we've got it, we may as well

RUDread it.

RUDWhat does it say?

BARONESSWhy—dear me—here's your biography!  "Our Detested

BARONESSDespot!"

RUDYes—I fancy that refers to me.

BARONESSAnd it says—Oh, it can't be!

RUDWhat can't be?

BARONESSWhy, it says that although you're going to marry me

BARONESSto-morrow, you were betrothed in infancy to the Princess of Monte

BARONESSCarlo!

RUDOh yes—that's quite right.

RUDDidn't I mention it?

BARONESSMention it!  You never said a word about it!

RUDWell, it doesn't matter, because, you see, it's

RUDpractically off.

BARONESSPractically off?

RUDYes.

RUDBy the terms of the contract the betrothal is

RUDvoid unless the Princess marries before she is of age.

RUDNow, her

RUDfather, the Prince, is stony-broke, and hasn't left his house for

RUDyears for fear of arrest.

RUDOver and over again he has implored me

RUDto come to him to be married-but in vain.

RUDOver and over again he

RUDhas implored me to advance him the money to enable the Princess

RUDto come to me—but in vain.

RUDI am very young, but not as young as

RUDthat; and as the Princess comes of age at two tomorrow, why at

RUDtwo to-morrow I'm a free man, so I appointed that hour for our

RUDwedding, as I shall like to have as much marriage as I can get

RUDfor my money.

BARONESSI see.

BARONESSOf course, if the married state is a happy

BARONESSstate, it's a pity to waste any of it.

RUDWhy, every hour we delayed I should lose a lot of you

RUDand you'd lose a lot of me!

BARONESSMy thoughtful darling!  Oh, Rudolph, we ought to be

BARONESSvery happy!

RUDIf I'm not, it'll be my first bad investment.

RUDStill,

RUDthere is such a thing as a slump even in Matrimonials.

BARONESSI often picture us in the long, cold, dark December

BARONESSevenings, sitting close to each other and singing impassioned

BARONESSduets to keep us warm, and thinking of all the lovely things we

BARONESScould afford to buy if we chose, and, at the same time, planning

BARONESSout our lives in a spirit of the most rigid and exacting economy!

RUDIt's a most beautiful and touching picture of

RUDconnubial bliss in its highest and most rarefied development!

RUDDUET—BARONESS and RUDOLPH.

BARONESSAs o'er our penny roll we sing,

BARONESSIt is not reprehensive

BARONESSTo think what joys our wealth would bring

BARONESSWere we disposed to do the thing

BARONESSUpon a scale extensive.

BARONESSThere's rich mock-turtle—thick and clear—

RUD(confidentially).

RUDPerhaps we'll have it once a year!

BARONESS(delighted).

BARONESSYou are an open-handed dear!

RUDThough, mind you, it's expensive.

BARONESSNo doubt it is expensive.

BOTHHow fleeting are the glutton's joys!

BOTHWith fish and fowl he lightly toys,

RUDAnd pays for such expensive tricks

RUDSometimes as much as two-and-six!

BARONESSAs two-and-six?

RUDAs two-and-six—

BOTHSometimes as much as two-and-six!

It gives him no advantage, mind—

BARONESSFor you and he have only dined,

BARONESSAnd you remain when once it's down

BARONESSA better man by half-a-crown.

RUDBy half-a-crown?

BARONESSBy half-a-crown.

BOTHYes, two-and-six is half-a-crown.

BOTHThen let us be modestly merry,

BOTHAnd rejoice with a derry down derry.

For to laugh and to sing

BOTHNo extravagance bring—

BOTHIt's a joy economical, very!

BARONESSAlthough as you're of course aware

I never tried to hide it

BARONESSI moisten my insipid fare

BARONESSWith water—which I can't abear—

RUDNor I—I can't abide it.

BARONESSThis pleasing fact our souls will cheer,

BARONESSWith fifty thousand pounds a year

BARONESSWe could indulge in table beer!

RUDGet out!

BARONESSWe could—I've tried it!

RUDYes, yes, of course you've tried it!

BOTHOh, he who has an income clear

BOTHOf fifty thousand pounds a year—

BARONESSCan purchase all his fancy loves

BARONESSConspicuous hats—

RUDTwo shilling gloves—

BARONESS(doubtfully).

BARONESSTwo-shilling gloves?

RUD(positively).

RUDTwo-shilling gloves—

BOTHYes, think of that, two-shilling gloves!

BARONESSCheap shoes and ties of gaudy hue,

BARONESSAnd Waterbury watches, too—

BARONESSAnd think that he could buy the lot

BARONESSWere he a donkey—

RUDWhich he's not!

BARONESSOh no, he's not!

RUDOh no, he's not!

RUDBOTH (dancing).

RUDThat kind of donkey he is not!

RUDThen let us be modestly merry,

RUDAnd rejoice with a derry down derry.

For to laugh and to sing

RUDIs a rational thing-

RUDIt's a joy economical, very!

[Exit

RUDOh, now for my detective's report.

Opens letter

RUDWhat's this!  Another conspiracy!  A conspiracy to depose me!

RUDAnd my private detective was so convulsed with laughter at the

RUDnotion of a conspirator selecting him for a confidant that he was

RUDphysically unable to arrest the malefactor!   Why, it'll come

RUDoff!  This comes of engaging a detective with a keen sense of the

RUDridiculous!  For the future I'll employ none but Scotchmen.

RUDAnd

RUDthe plot is to explode to-morrow!   My wedding day!   Oh,

RUDCaroline, Caroline!  (Weeps)  This is perfectly frightful!

RUDWhat's to be done?  I don't know!  I ought to keep cool and

RUDthink, but you can't think when your veins are full of hot

RUDsoda-water, and your brain's fizzing like a firework, and all

RUDyour faculties are jumbled in a perfect whirlpool of

RUDtumblication!  And I'm going to be ill!  I know I am!  I've been

RUDliving too low, and I'm going to be very ill indeed!

RUDOLPHWhen you find you're a broken-down critter,

RUDOLPHWho is all of a trimmle and twitter,

RUDOLPHWith your palate unpleasantly bitter,

RUDOLPHAs if you'd just eaten a pill—

RUDOLPHWhen your legs are as thin as dividers,

RUDOLPHAnd you're plagued with unruly insiders,

RUDOLPHAnd your spine is all creepy with spiders,

RUDOLPHAnd you're highly gamboge in the gill—

RUDOLPHWhen you've got a beehive in your head,

RUDOLPHAnd a sewing machine in each ear,

RUDOLPHAnd you feel that you've eaten your bed,

RUDOLPHAnd you've got a bad headache down here—

RUDOLPHWhen such facts are about,

RUDOLPHAnd these symptoms you find

RUDOLPHIn your body or crown—

RUDOLPHWell, you'd better look out,

RUDOLPHYou may make up your mind

RUDOLPHYou had better lie down!

RUDOLPHWhen your lips are all smeary—like tallow,

RUDOLPHAnd your tongue is decidedly yallow,

RUDOLPHWith a pint of warm oil in your swallow,

RUDOLPHAnd a pound of tin-tacks in your chest—

RUDOLPHWhen you're down in the mouth with the vapours,

RUDOLPHAnd all over your Morris wall-papers

RUDOLPHBlack-beetles are cutting their capers,

RUDOLPHAnd crawly things never at rest—

RUDOLPHWhen you doubt if your head is your own,

RUDOLPHAnd you jump when an open door slams—

RUDOLPHThen you've got to a state which is known

RUDOLPHTo the medical world as "jim-jams"

RUDOLPHIf such symptoms you find

RUDOLPHIn your body or head,

RUDOLPHThey're not easy to quell—

RUDOLPHYou may make up your mind

RUDOLPHYou are better in bed,

RUDOLPHFor you're not at all well!

Sinks exhausted and weeping at foot of well

Enter LUDWIG.

LUDNow for my confession and full pardon.

LUDThey told me

LUDthe Grand Duke was dancing duets in the Market-place, but I don't

LUDsee him.

LUD(Sees RUDOLPH)  Hallo!  Who's this?  (Aside)  Why, it

LUDis the Grand Duke!

RUD(sobbing).

RUDWho are you, sir, who presume to address

RUDme in person?  If you've anything to communicate, you must fling

RUDyourself at the feet of my Acting Temporary Sub-Deputy Assistant

RUDVice-Chamberlain, who will fling himself at the feet of his

RUDimmediate superior, and so on, with successive foot-flingings

RUDthrough the various grades—your communication will, in course of

RUDtime, come to my august knowledge.

LUDBut when I inform your Highness that in me you see

THEmost unhappy, the most unfortunate, the most completely miserable

THEman in your whole dominion—

RUD(still sobbing).

RUDYou the most miserable man in my

RUDwhole dominion?  How can you have the face to stand there and say

RUDsuch a thing?  Why, look at me!  Look at me!  (Bursts into

RUDtears)

LUDWell, I wouldn't be a cry-baby.

RUDA cry-baby?  If you had just been told that you were

RUDgoing to be deposed to-morrow, and perhaps blown up with dynamite

RUDfor all I know, wouldn't you be a cry-baby?  I do declare if I

RUDcould only hit upon some cheap and painless method of putting an

RUDend to an existence which has become insupportable, I would

RUDunhesitatingly adopt it!

LUDYou would? (Aside) I see a magnificent way out of

LUDthis!  By Jupiter, I'll try it!  (Aloud)  Are you, by any

LUDchance, in earnest?

RUDIn earnest?  Why, look at me!

LUDIf you are really in earnest—if you really desire to

escape scot-free from this impending—this unspeakably horrible

LUDcatastrophe—without trouble, danger, pain, or expense—why not

LUDresort to a Statutory Duel?

RUDA Statutory Duel?

LUDYes.

LUDThe Act is still in force, but it will expire

LUDto-morrow afternoon.

LUDYou fight—you lose—you are dead for a

LUDday.

LUDTo-morrow, when the Act expires, you will come to life

LUDagain and resume your Grand Duchy as though nothing had happened.

LUDIn the meantime, the explosion will have taken place and the

LUDsurvivor will have had to bear the brunt of it.

RUDYes, that's all very well, but who'll be fool enough

RUDto be the survivor?

(kneeling).

LUDActuated by an overwhelming sense of

LUDattachment to your Grand Ducal person, I unhesitatingly offer

LUDmyself as the victim of your subjects' fury.

RUDYou do?  Well, really that's very handsome.

Idaresay

Ibeing blown up is not nearly as unpleasant as one would think.

LUDOh, yes it is.

LUDIt mixes one up, awfully!

RUDBut suppose I were to lose?

LUDOh, that's easily arranged.

LUD(Producing cards)  I'll

LUDput an Ace up my sleeve—you'll put a King up yours.

LUDWhen the

drawing takes place, I shall seem to draw the higher card and you

LUDthe lower.

LUDAnd there you are!

RUDOh, but that's cheating.

LUDSo it is.

LUDI never thought of that.

Going

RUD(hastily).

RUDNot that I mind.

RUDBut I say—you won't

RUDtake an unfair advantage of your day of office?  You won't go

RUDtipping people, or squandering my little savings in fireworks, or

RUDany nonsense of that sort?

LUDI am hurt—really hurt—by the suggestion.

You—you wouldn't like to put down a deposit,

RUDperhaps?

LUDNo.

I don't think I should like to put down a

LUDdeposit.

RUDOr give a guarantee?

LUDA guarantee would be equally open to objection.

RUDIt would be more regular.

RUDVery well, I suppose you

RUDmust have your own way.

LUDGood.

LUDI say—we must have a devil of a quarrel!

RUDOh, a devil of a quarrel!

LUDJust to give colour to the thing.

LUDShall I give you a

LUDsound thrashing before all the people?  Say the word—it's no

LUDtrouble.

RUDNo, I think not, though it would be very convincing

RUDand it's extremely good and thoughtful of you to suggest it.

RUDStill, a devil of a quarrel!

LUDOh, a devil of a quarrel!

RUDNo half measures.

RUDBig words—strong language—rude

RUDremarks.

RUDOh, a devil of a quarrel!

LUDNow the question is, how shall we summon the people?

RUDOh, there's no difficulty about that.

RUDBless your

RUDheart, they've been staring at us through those windows for the

RUDlast half-hour!

RUDCome hither, all you people—

RUDWhen you hear the fearful news,

All the pretty women weep'll,

RUDMen will shiver in their shoes.

LUDAnd they'll all cry "Lord, defend us!"

LUDWhen they learn the fact tremendous

LUDThat to give this man his gruel

LUDIn a Statutory Duel—

BOTHThis plebeian man of shoddy—

BOTHThis contemptible nobody—

BOTHYour Grand Duke does not refuse!

BOTH(During this, Chorus of men and women have entered, all trembling

BOTHwith apprehension under the impression that they are to be

BOTHarrested for their complicity in the conspiracy)

CHORUSWith faltering feet,

CHORUSAnd our muscles in a quiver,

CHORUSOur fate we meet

CHORUSWith our feelings all unstrung!

CHORUSIf our plot complete

CHORUSHe has managed to diskiver,

There is no retreat—

CHORUSWe shall certainly be hung!

(aside to LUDWIG).

RUDNow you begin and pitch it strong—walk into me abusively—

(aside to RUDOLPH).

LUDI've several epithets that I've reserved for you

LUDexclusively.

LUDA choice selection I have here when you are ready to begin.

RUDNow you begin

LUDNo, you begin—

RUDNo, you begin—

LUDNo, you begin!

LUDCHORUS (trembling).

LUDHas it happed as we expected?

LUDIs our little plot detected?

LUDDUET—RUDOLPH and LUDWIG

RUD(furiously).

RUDBig bombs, small bombs, great guns and little ones!

RUDPut him in a pillory!

RUDRack him with artillery!

LUD(furiously).

LUDLong swords, short swords, tough swords and brittle ones!

LUDFright him into fits!

LUDBlow him into bits!

RUDYou muff, sir!

LUDYou lout, sir!

RUDEnough, sir!

LUDGet out, sir!  (Pushes him)

RUDA hit, sir?

LUDTake that, sir!  (Slaps him)

RUDIt's tit, sir,

LUDFor tat, sir!

LUDCHORUS (appalled).

LUDWhen two doughty heroes thunder,

LUDAll the world is lost in wonder;

LUDWhen such men their temper lose,

LUDAwful are the words they use!

LUDTall snobs, small snobs, rich snobs and needy ones!

RUD(jostling him).

RUDWhom are you alluding to?

LUD(jostling him).

LUDWhere are you intruding to?

RUDFat snobs, thin snobs, swell snobs and seedy ones!

LUDI rather think you err.

LUDTo whom do you refer?

RUDTo you, sir!

LUDTo me, sir?

RUDI do, sir!

LUDWe'll see, sir!

RUDI jeer, sir!

RUD(Makes a face at LUDWIG)  Grimace, sir!

LUDLook here, sir—

LUD(Makes a face at RUDOLPH)  A face, sir!

LUDCHORUS (appalled).

LUDWhen two heroes, once pacific,

LUDQuarrel, the effect's terrific!

LUDWhat a horrible grimace!

LUDWhat a paralysing face!

ALLBig bombs, small bombs, etc.

LUDand RUD.

LUD(recit).

LUDHe has insulted me, and, in a breath,

LUDThis day we fight a duel to the death!

NOT(checking them).

NOTYou mean, of course, by duel (verbum sat),

NOTA Statutory Duel.

ALLWhy, what's that?

NOTAccording to established legal uses,

NOTA card apiece each bold disputant chooses—

NOTDead as a doornail is the dog who loses—

NOTThe winner steps into the dead man's shoeses!

ALLThe winner steps into the dead man's shoeses!

RUDand Lud.

RUDAgreed!  Agreed!

RUDCome, come—the pack!

LUD(producing one).

LUDBehold it here!

RUDI'm on the rack!

LUDI quake with fear!

NOTARY offers card to LUDWIG

LUDFirst draw to you!

RUDIf that's the case,

RUDBehold the King! (Drawing card from his sleeve)

LUD(same business).

LUDBehold the Ace!

CHORUSHurrah, hurrah!  Our Ludwig's won

CHORUSAnd wicked Rudolph's course is run—

CHORUSSo Ludwig will as Grand Duke reign

CHORUSTill Rudolph comes to life again—

RUDWhich will occur to-morrow!

RUDI come to life to-morrow!

GRET(with mocking curtsey).

GRETMy Lord Grand Duke, farewell!

GRETA pleasant journey, very,

GRETTo your convenient cell

GRETIn yonder cemetery!

GRETLISA  (curtseying).

GRETThough malcontents abuse you,

GRETWe're much distressed to lose you!

GRETYou were, when you were living,

GRETSo liberal, so forgiving!

BERTHASo merciful, so gentle!

BERTHASo highly ormamental!

OLGAAnd now that you've departed,

OLGAYou leave us broken-hearted!

ALL (pretending to weep).

OLGAYes, truly, truly, truly, truly—

OLGATruly broken-hearted!

OLGAHa! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! (Mocking him)

RUD(furious).

RUDRapscallions, in penitential fires,

RUDYou'll rue the ribaldry that from you falls!

RUDTo-morrow afternoon the law expires.

RUDAnd then—look out for squalls!

[Exit RUDOLPH, amid general

RUDridicule.

CHORUSGive thanks, give thanks to wayward fate—

CHORUSBy mystic fortune's sway,

CHORUSOur Ludwig guides the helm of State

CHORUSFor one delightful day!

CHORUS(To LUDWIG)      We hail you, sir!

CHORUSWe greet you, sir!

CHORUSRegale you, sir!

CHORUSWe treat you, sir!

CHORUSOur ruler be

CHORUSBy fate's decree

CHORUSFor one delightful day!

NOTYou've done it neatly!  Pity that your powers

NOTAre limited to four-and-twenty hours!

LUDNo matter, though the time will quickly run,

LUDIn hours twenty-four much may be done!

LUDWIGOh, a Monarch who boasts intellectual graces

LUDWIGCan do, if he likes, a good deal in a day—

LUDWIGHe can put all his friends in conspicuous places,

LUDWIGWith plenty to eat and with nothing to pay!

LUDWIGYou'll tell me, no doubt, with unpleasant grimaces,

LUDWIGTo-morrow, deprived of your ribbons and laces,

LUDWIGYou'll get your dismissal—with very long faces—

LUDWIGBut wait! on that topic I've something to say!

LUDWIG(Dancing)        I've something to say—I've something to

LUDWIGsay—I've something to say!

LUDWIGOh, our rule shall be merry—I'm not an ascetic—

LUDWIGAnd while the sun shines we will get up our hay—

By a pushing young Monarch, of turn energetic,

LUDWIGA very great deal may be done in a day!

CHORUSOh, his rule will be merry, etc.

During this, LUDWIG whispers to NOTARY, who writes

CHORUSFor instance, this measure (his ancestor drew it),

alluding to NOTARY

CHORUSThis law against duels—to-morrow will die—

CHORUSThe Duke will revive, and you'll certainly rue it—

CHORUSHe'll give you "what for" and he'll let you know why!

CHORUSBut in twenty-four hours there's time to renew it—

CHORUSWith a century's life I've the right to imbue it—

CHORUSIt's easy to do—and, by Jingo, I'll do it!

Signing paper, which NOTARY presents

CHORUSIt's done!  Till I perish your Monarch am I!

CHORUSYour Monarch am I—your Monarch am I—your Monarch am I!

CHORUSThough I do not pretend to be very prophetic,

CHORUSI fancy I know what you're going to say—

By a pushing young Monarch, of turn energetic,

CHORUSA very great deal may be done in a day!

CHORUSALL (astonished).

CHORUSOh, it's simply uncanny, his power prophetic—

CHORUSIt's perfectly right—we were going to say,

CHORUSBy a pushing, etc.

Enter JULIA, at back.

LUD(recit).

LUDThis very afternoon—at two (about)—

LUDThe Court appointments will be given out.

LUDTo each and all (for that was the condition)

LUDAccording to professional position!

ALLHurrah!

ALLJULIA (coming forward).

ALLAccording to professional position?

LUDAccording to professional position!

LUDJULIA  Then, horror!

ALLWhy, what's the matter?  What's the matter?  What's the

ALLmatter?

LISA clinging to her

JULIAAh, pity me, my comrades true,

JULIAWho love, as well I know you do,

JULIAThis gentle child,

JULIATo me so fondly dear!

ALLWhy, what's the matter?

ALLJULIA  Our sister love so true and deep

From many an eye unused to weep

ALLHath oft beguiled

ALLThe coy reluctant tear!

ALLWhy, what's the matter?

ALLJULIA  Each sympathetic heart 'twill bruise

ALLWhen you have heard the frightful news

O will it not?

ALLThat I must now impart!

ALLWhy, what's the matter?

JULIAHer love for him is all in all!

JULIAAh, cursed fate! that it should fall

JULIAUnto my lot

JULIATo break my darling's heart!

ALLWhy, what's the matter?

LUDWhat means our Julia by those fateful looks?

LUDPlease do not keep us all on tenter-hooks-

LUDNow, what's the matter?

JULIAOur duty, if we're wise,

JULIAWe never shun.

JULIAThis Spartan rule applies

JULIATo every one.

JULIAIn theatres, as in life,

JULIAEach has her line—

JULIAThis part—the Grand Duke's wife

JULIA(Oh agony!) is mine!

JULIAA maxim new I do not start—

JULIAThe canons of dramatic art

JULIADecree that this repulsive part

The Grand Duke's wife

JULIAIs mine!

ALLOh, that's the matter!

ALLLISA (appalled, to LUDWIG).

ALLCan that be so?

LUDI do not know—

LUDBut time will show

LUDIf that be so.

CHORUSCan that be so? etc.

CHORUSLISA (recit).

CHORUSBe merciful!

CHORUSDUET—LISA and JULIA.

LISAOh, listen to me, dear—

LISAI love him only, darling!

LISARemember, oh, my pet,

LISAOn him my heart is set

LISAThis kindness do me, dear-

LISANor leave me lonely, darling!

LISABe merciful, my pet,

LISAOur love do not forget!

JULIANow don't be foolish, dear—

JULIAYou couldn't play it, darling!

JULIAIt's "leading business", pet

JULIAAnd you're but a soubrette.

JULIASo don't be mulish, dear-

JULIAAlthough I say it, darling,

JULIAIt's not your line, my pet—

JULIAI play that part, you bet!

JULIAI play that part—

JULIAI play that part, you bet!

LISA overwhelmed with grief

NOTThe lady's right.

NOTThough Julia's engagement

NOTWas for the stage meant—

NOTIt certainly frees Ludwig from his

NOTConnubial promise.

NOTThough marriage contracts—or whate'er you call 'em—

NOTAre very solemn,

NOTDramatic contracts (which you all adore so)

NOTAre even more so!

ALLThat's very true!

ALLThough marriage contracts, etc.

LISAThe die is cast,

LISAMy hope has perished!

LISAFarewell, O Past,

LISAToo bright to last,

LISAYet fondly cherished!

LISAMy light has fled,

LISAMy hope is dead,

LISAIts doom is spoken—

LISAMy day is night,

LISAMy wrong is right

LISAIn all men's sight—

LISAMy heart is broken!

[Exit

weeping.

LUD(recit).

LUDPoor child, where will she go?  What will she

LUDdo?

JULIAThat isn't in your part, you know.

(sighing).

LUDQuite true!

LUD(With an effort) Depressing topics we'll not touch upon—

LUDLet us begin as we are going on!

LUDFor this will be a jolly Court, for little and for big!

ALLSing hey, the jolly jinks of Pfennig Halbpfennig!

LUDFrom morn to night our lives shall be as merry as a grig!

ALLSing hey, the jolly jinks of Pfennig Halbpfennig!

LUDAll state and ceremony we'll eternally abolish—

LUDWe don't mean to insist upon unnecessary polish—

LUDAnd, on the whole, I rather think you'll find our rule

LUDtollolish!

ALLSing hey, the jolly jinks of Pfennig Halbpfennig!

JULIABut stay—your new-made Court

JULIAWithout a courtly coat is—

JULIAWe shall require

JULIASome Court attire,

JULIAAnd at a moment's notice.

In clothes of common sort

JULIAYour courtiers must not grovel—

JULIAYour new noblesse

JULIAMust have a dress

JULIAOriginal and novel!

LUDOld Athens we'll exhume!

LUDThe necessary dresses,

LUDCorrect and true

LUDAnd all brand-new,

LUDThe company possesses:

LUDHenceforth our Court costume

LUDShall live in song and story,

LUDFor we'll upraise

LUDThe dead old days

LUDOf Athens in her glory!

ALLYes, let's upraise

ALLThe dead old days

ALLOf Athens in her glory!

ALLAgreed!  Agreed!

ALLFor this will be a jolly Court for little and for big! etc

ALL(They carry LUDWIG round stage and deposit him on the ironwork of

ALLwell.

ALLJULIA stands by him, and the rest group round them)

SYSTEMACT II.

SYSTEMSCENE.

(THE NEXT MORNING)—Entrance Hall of the Grand Ducal Palace.

Enter a procession of the members of the theatrical company (now

(THE NEXT MORNING)dressed in the costumes of Troilus and Cressida), carrying

(THE NEXT MORNING)garlands, playing on pipes, citharae, and cymbals, and

(THE NEXT MORNING)heralding the return of LUDWIG and JULIA from the marriage

(THE NEXT MORNING)ceremony, which has just taken place.

CHORUSAs before you we defile,

CHORUSEloia!  Eloia!

CHORUSPray you, gentles, do not smile

If we shout, in classic style,

CHORUSEloia!

CHORUSLudwig and his Julia true

CHORUSWedded are each other to—

CHORUSSo we sing, till all is blue,

CHORUSEloia!  Eloia!

CHORUSOpoponax!  Eloia!

CHORUSWreaths of bay and ivy twine,

CHORUSEloia!  Eloia!

CHORUSFill the bowl with Lesbian wine,

CHORUSAnd to revelry incline—

CHORUSEloia!

CHORUSFor as gaily we pass on

CHORUSProbably we shall, anon,

CHORUSSing a Diergeticon—

CHORUSEloia! Eloia!

CHORUSOpoponax! Eloia!

LUDWIGYour loyalty our Ducal heartstrings touches:

LUDWIGAllow me to present your new Grand Duchess.

LUDWIGShould she offend, you'll graciously excuse her—

LUDWIGAnd kindly recollect I didn't choose her!

LUDWIGAt the outset I may mention it's my sovereign intention

LUDWIGTo revive the classic memories of Athens at its best,

LUDWIGFor the company possesses all the necessary dresses

LUDWIGAnd a course of quiet cramming will supply us with the

LUDWIGrest.

LUDWIGWe've a choir hyporchematic (that is, ballet-operatic)

LUDWIGWho respond to the choreut of that cultivated age,

LUDWIGAnd our clever chorus-master, all but captious criticaster

LUDWIGWould accept as the choregus of the early Attic stage.

LUDWIGThis return to classic ages is considered in their wages,

LUDWIGWhich are always calculated by the day or by the week—

LUDWIGAnd I'll pay 'em (if they'll back me) all in oboloi and drachm,

LUDWIGWhich they'll get (if they prefer it) at the Kalends that

LUDWIGare Greek!

Confidentially to audience

LUDWIGAt this juncture I may mention

LUDWIGThat this erudition sham

LUDWIGIs but classical pretension,

LUDWIGThe result of steady "cram.

LUDWIG":

LUDWIGPeriphrastic methods spurning,

LUDWIGTo this audience discerning

LUDWIGI admit this show of learning

LUDWIGIs the fruit of steady "cram.

LUDWIG"!

CHORUSPeriphrastic methods, etc.

CHORUSIn the period Socratic every dining-room was Attic

CHORUS(Which suggests an architecture of a topsy-turvy kind),

CHORUSThere they'd satisfy their thirst on a recherche cold {Greek

CHORUSword}

CHORUSWhich is what they called their lunch—and so may you if

CHORUSyou're inclined.

CHORUSAs they gradually got on, they'd {four Greek words)

CHORUS(Which is Attic for a steady and a conscientious drink).

CHORUSBut they mixed their wine with water—which I'm sure they didn't

CHORUSoughter—

CHORUSAnd we modern Saxons know a trick worth two of that, I

CHORUSthink!

CHORUSThen came rather risky dances (under certain circumstances)

CHORUSWhich would shock that worthy gentleman, the Licenser of

CHORUSPlays,

CHORUSCorybantian maniac kick—Dionysiac or Bacchic—

CHORUSAnd the Dithyrambic revels of those undecorous days.

Confidentially to audience

CHORUSAnd perhaps I'd better mention,

CHORUSLest alarming you I am,

CHORUSThat it isn't our intention

CHORUSTo perform a Dithyramb—

CHORUSIt displays a lot of stocking,

CHORUSWhich is always very shocking,

CHORUSAnd of course I'm only mocking

CHORUSAt the prevalence of "cram"!

CHORUSIt displays a lot, etc.

CHORUSYes, on reconsideration, there are customs of that nation

CHORUSWhich are not in strict accordance with the habits of our

CHORUSday,

CHORUSAnd when I come to codify, their rules I mean to modify,

CHORUSOr Mrs.

CHORUSGrundy, p'r'aps, may have a word or two to say.

CHORUSFor they hadn't macintoshes or umbrellas or goloshes—

CHORUSAnd a shower with their dresses must have played the very

CHORUSdeuce,

CHORUSAnd it must have been unpleasing when they caught a fit of

CHORUSsneezing,

CHORUSFor, it seems, of pocket-handkerchiefs they didn't know the

CHORUSuse.

CHORUSThey wore little underclothing—scarcely anything—or nothing—

CHORUSAnd their dress of Coan silk was quite transparent in

CHORUSdesign—

CHORUSWell, in fact, in summer weather, something like the "altogether"

And it's there, I rather fancy, I shall have to draw the

CHORUSline!

Confidentially to audience

CHORUSAnd again I wish to mention

CHORUSThat this erudition sham

CHORUSIs but classical pretension,

CHORUSThe result of steady "cram.

CHORUS"

CHORUSYet my classic lore aggressive

If you'll pardon the possessive

CHORUSIs exceedingly impressive

CHORUSWhen you're passing an exam.

CHORUSYet his classic lore, etc.

[Exeunt Chorus.

CHORUSManent LUDWIG, JULIA, and LISA.

LUD(recit).

LUDYes, Ludwig and his Julia are mated!

LUDFor when an obscure comedian, whom the law backs,

LUDTo sovereign rank is promptly elevated,

LUDHe takes it with its incidental drawbacks!

LUDSo Julia and I are duly mated!

LUD(LISA, through this, has expressed intense distress at

LUDhaving to surrender LUDWIG)

LISATake care of him—he's much too good to live,

LISAWith him you must be very gentle:

LISAPoor fellow, he's so highly sensitive,

LISAAnd O, so sentimental!

LISABe sure you never let him sit up late

LISAIn chilly open air conversing—

LISAPoor darling, he's extremely delicate,

LISAAnd wants a deal of nursing!

LUDI want a deal of nursing!

LISAAnd O, remember this—

LISAWhen he is cross with pain,

LISAA flower and a kiss—

LISAA simple flower—a tender kiss

LISAWill bring him round again!

LISAHis moods you must assiduously watch:

LISAWhen he succumbs to sorrow tragic,

LISASome hardbake or a bit of butter-scotch

LISAWill work on him like magic.

LISATo contradict a character so rich

LISAIn trusting love were simple blindness—

LISAHe's one of those exalted natures which

LISAWill only yield to kindness!

LUDI only yield to kindness!

LISAAnd O, the bygone bliss!

LISAAnd O, the present pain!

LISAThat flower and that kiss—

LISAThat simple flower—that tender kiss

LISAI ne'er shall give again!

[Exit,

weeping.

JULIAAnd now that everybody has gone, and we're happily

JULIAand comfortably married, I want to have a few words with my

JULIAnew-born husband.

(aside).

LUDYes, I expect you'll often have a few words

LUDwith your new-born husband!  (Aloud)  Well, what is it?

JULIAWhy, I've been thinking that as you and I have to

JULIAplay our parts for life, it is most essential that we should come

JULIAto a definite understanding as to how they shall be rendered.

JULIANow, I've been considering how I can make the most of the Grand

JULIADuchess.

LUDHave you?  Well, if you'll take my advice, you'll

LUDmake

LUDa very fine part of it.

JULIAWhy, that's quite my idea.

LUDI shouldn't make it one of your hoity-toity vixenish

LUDviragoes.

JULIAYou think not?

LUDOh, I'm quite clear about that.

LUDI should make her a

LUDtender, gentle, submissive, affectionate (but not too

LUDaffectionate) child-wife—timidly anxious to coil herself into

LUDher husband's heart, but kept in check by an awestruck reverence

LUDfor his exalted intellectual qualities and his majestic personal

LUDappearance.

JULIAOh, that is your idea of a good part?

LUDYes—a wife who regards her husband's slightest wish

LUDas an inflexible law, and who ventures but rarely into his august

LUDpresence, unless (which would happen seldom) he should summon her

LUDto appear before him.

LUDA crushed, despairing violet, whose

LUDblighted existence would culminate (all too soon) in a lonely and

LUDpathetic death-scene!  A fine part, my dear.

JULIAYes.

JULIAThere's a good deal to be said for your view

JULIAof it.

JULIANow there are some actresses whom it would fit like a

JULIAglove.

(aside).

LUDI wish I'd married one of 'em!

JULIABut, you see, I must consider my temperament.

JULIAFor

JULIAinstance, my temperament would demand some strong scenes of

JULIAjustifiable jealousy.

LUDOh, there's no difficulty about that.

LUDYou shall have

LUDthem.

JULIAWith a lovely but detested rival—

LUDOh, I'll provide the rival.

JULIAWhom I should stab—stab—stab!

LUDOh, I wouldn't stab her.

LUDIt's been done to death.

Ishould treat her with a silent and contemptuous disdain, and

Idelicately withdraw from a position which, to one of your

Isensitive nature, would be absolutely untenable.

IDear me, I can

Isee you delicately withdrawing, up centre and off!

JULIACan you?

LUDYes.

LUDIt's a fine situation—and in your hands, full

LUDof quiet pathos!

LUDDUET—LUDWIG and JULIA.

LUDNow Julia, come,

LUDConsider it from

This dainty point of view—

LUDA timid tender

LUDFeminine gender,

LUDPrompt to coyly coo—

LUDYet silence seeking,

LUDSeldom speaking

LUDTill she's spoken to—

LUDA comfy, cosy,

LUDRosy-posy

LUDInnocent ingenoo!

LUDThe part you're suited to—

To give the deuce her due

LUDA sweet (O, jiminy!)

LUDMiminy-piminy,

LUDInnocent ingenoo!

JULIAThe part you're suited to—         I'm much obliged to you,

(To give the deuce her due)         I don't think that would do—

JULIAA sweet (O, jiminy!)                To play (O, jiminy!)

JULIAMiminy-piminy,                      Miminy-piminy,

JULIAInnocent ingenoo!                   Innocent ingenoo!

JULIAYou forget my special magic

In a high dramatic sense

JULIALies in situations tragic—

JULIAUndeniably intense.

JULIAAs I've justified promotion

JULIAIn the histrionic art,

JULIAI'll submit to you my notion

JULIAOf a first-rate part.

LUDWell, let us see your notion

LUDOf a first-rate part.

LUDJULIA (dramatically).

LUDI have a rival!  Frenzy-thrilled,

LUDI find you both together!

LUDMy heart stands still—with horror chilled—-

LUDHard as the millstone nether!

LUDThen softly, slyly, snaily, snaky—

LUDCrawly, creepy, quaily, quaky—

LUDI track her on her homeward way,

LUDAs panther tracks her fated prey!

LUD(Furiously)      I fly at her soft white throat—

LUDThe lily-white laughing leman!

LUDOn her agonized gaze I gloat

LUDWith the glee of a dancing demon!

LUDMy rival she—I have no doubt of her—-

LUDSo I hold on—till the breath is out of her!

LUD—till the breath is out of her!

LUDAnd then—Remorse! Remorse!

LUDO cold unpleasant corse,

LUDAvaunt! Avaunt!

LUDThat lifeless form

LUDI gaze upon—

LUDThat face, still warm

LUDBut weirdly wan—

LUDThose eyes of glass

LUDI contemplate—

LUDAnd then, alas!

LUDToo late—too late!

LUDI find she is—your Aunt!

LUD(Shuddering)     Remorse!  Remorse!

LUDThen, mad—mad—mad!

LUDWith fancies wild—chimerical—

LUDNow sorrowful—silent—sad—

LUDNow hullaballoo hysterical!

LUDHa! ha! ha! ha!

LUDBut whether I'm sad or whether I'm glad,

LUDMad! mad! mad! mad!

LUDThis calls for the resources of a high-class art,

LUDAnd satisfies my notion of a first-rate part!

[Exit JULIA

Enter all the Chorus, hurriedly, and in great excitement.

CHORUSYour Highness, there's a party at the door—

CHORUSYour Highness, at the door there is a party—

CHORUSShe says that we expect her,

CHORUSBut we do not recollect her,

CHORUSFor we never saw her countenance before!

CHORUSWith rage and indignation she is rife,

CHORUSBecause our welcome wasn't very hearty—

CHORUSShe's as sulky as a super,

CHORUSAnd she's swearing like a trooper,

CHORUSO, you never heard such language in your life!

Enter BARONESS VON KRAKENFELDT, in a fury.

BARONESSWith fury indescribable I burn!

BARONESSWith rage I'm nearly ready to explode!

BARONESSThere'll be grief and tribulation when I learn

BARONESSTo whom this slight unbearable is owed!

BARONESSFor whatever may be due I'll pay it double—

BARONESSThere'll be terror indescribable and trouble!

BARONESSWith a hurly-burly and a hubble-bubble

BARONESSI'll pay you for this pretty episode!

ALLOh, whatever may be due she'll pay it double!—

It's very good of her to take the trouble—

ALLBut we don't know what she means by "hubble-bubble"—

ALLNo doubt it's an expression  la mode.

BARONESS(to LUDWIG).

BARONESSDo you know who I am?

LUD(examining her).

LUDI don't;

LUDYour countenance I can't fix, my dear.

BARONESSThis proves I'm not a sham.

Showing pocket-handkerchief

LUD(examining it).

LUDIt won't;

LUDIt only says "Krakenfeldt, Six," my dear.

BARONESSExpress your grief profound!

LUDI shan't!

LUDThis tone I never allow, my love.

BARONESSRudolph at once produce!

LUDI can't;

LUDHe isn't at home just now, my love.

BARONESS(astonished).

BARONESSHe isn't at home just now!

ALLHe isn't at home just now,

ALL(Dancing derisively)         He has an appointment particular,

ALLvery-

ALLYou'll find him, I think, in the town cemetery;

ALLAnd that's how we come to be making so merry,

ALLFor he isn't at home just now!

BARONESSBut bless my heart and soul alive, it's impudence

BARONESSpersonified!

BARONESSI've come here to be matrimonially matrimonified!

LUDFor any disappointment I am sorry unaffectedly,

LUDBut yesterday that nobleman expired quite unexpectedly—

LUDALL (sobbing).

LUDTol the riddle lol!

LUDTol the riddle, lol the riddle, lol lol lay!

(Then laughing wildly)       Tol the riddle, lol the riddle, lol

LUDlol

LUDlay!

BARONESSBut this is most unexpected.

BARONESSHe was well enough at a

BARONESSquarter to twelve yesterday.

LUDYes.

LUDHe died at half-past eleven.

BARONESSBless me, how very sudden!

LUDIt was sudden.

BARONESSBut what in the world am I to do?  I was to have been

BARONESSmarried to him to-day!

BARONESSALL (singing and dancing).

BARONESSFor any disappointment we are sorry unaffectedly,

BARONESSBut yesterday that nobleman expired quite unexpectedly—

BARONESSTol the riddle lol!

BARONESSIs this Court Mourning or a Fancy Ball?

LUDWell, it's a delicate combination of both effects.

LUDIt

LUDis intended to express inconsolable grief for the decease of the

LUDlate Duke and ebullient joy at the accession of his successor.

Iam his successor.

IPermit me to present you to my Grand Duchess.

Indicating JULIA

BARONESSYour Grand Duchess?  Oh, your Highness!  (Curtseying

BARONESSprofoundly)

BARONESSJULIA (sneering at her).

BARONESSOld frump!

BARONESSHumph!  A recent creation, probably?

LUDWe were married only half an hour ago.

BARONESSExactly.

BARONESSI thought she seemed new to the position.

JULIAMa'am, I don't know who you are, but I flatter

JULIAmyself I can do justice to any part on the very shortest notice.

BARONESSMy dear, under the circumstances you are doing

BARONESSadmirably—and you'll improve with practice.

BARONESSIt's so difficult

BARONESSto be a lady when one isn't born to it.

BARONESSJULIA (in a rage, to LUDWIG).

BARONESSAm I to stand this?  Am I

BARONESSnot

BARONESSto be allowed to pull her to pieces?

(aside to JULIA).

LUDNo, no—it isn't Greek.

LUDBe a

LUDviolet, I beg.

BARONESSAnd now tell me all about this distressing

BARONESScircumstance.

BARONESSHow did the Grand Duke die?

LUDHe perished nobly—in a Statutory Duel.

BARONESSIn a Statutory Duel?  But that's only a civil

BARONESSdeath!—and the Act expires to-night, and then he will come to

BARONESSlife again!

LUDWell, no.

LUDAnxious to inaugurate my reign by

LUDconferring some inestimable boon on my people, I signalized this

LUDoccasion by reviving the law for another hundred years.

BARONESSFor another hundred years?  Then set the merry

BARONESSjoybells ringing!  Let festive epithalamia resound through these

BARONESSancient halls!  Cut the satisfying sandwich—broach the

BARONESSexhilarating Marsala—and let us rejoice to-day, if we never

BARONESSrejoice again!

LUDBut I don't think I quite understand.

LUDWe have

LUDalready

LUDrejoiced a good deal.

BARONESSHappy man, you little reck of the extent of the good

BARONESSthings you are in for.

BARONESSWhen you killed Rudolph you adopted all

BARONESShis overwhelming responsibilities.

BARONESSKnow then that I, Caroline

BARONESSvon Krakenfeldt, am the most overwhelming of them all!

LUDBut stop, stop—I've just been married to somebody

LUDelse!

JULIAYes, ma'am, to somebody else, ma'am!  Do you

JULIAunderstand, ma'am?  To somebody else!

BARONESSDo keep this young woman quiet; she fidgets me!

JULIAFidgets you!

(aside to JULIA).

LUDBe a violet—a crushed, despairing

LUDviolet.

JULIADo you suppose I intend to give up a magnificent

SYSTEMpart without a struggle?

LUDMy good girl, she has the law on her side.

LUDLet us

LUDboth bear this calamity with resignation.

LUDIf you must struggle,

LUDgo away and struggle in the seclusion of your chamber.

LUDSONG—BARONESS and CHORUS.

LUDNow away to the wedding we go,

LUDSo summon the charioteers—

LUDNo kind of reluctance they show

LUDTo embark on their married careers.

LUDThough Julia's emotion may flow

LUDFor the rest of her maidenly years,

ALLTo the wedding we eagerly go,

ALLSo summon the charioteers!

ALLNow away, etc.

All dance off to wedding except JULIA

JULIASo ends my dream—so fades my vision fair!

JULIAOf hope no gleam—distraction and despair!

JULIAMy cherished dream, the Ducal throne to share

JULIAThat aim supreme has vanished into air!

JULIABroken every promise plighted—

JULIAAll is darksome—all is dreary.

JULIAEvery new-born hope is blighted!

JULIASad and sorry—weak and weary

JULIADeath the Friend or Death the Foe,

JULIAShall I call upon thee?  No!

JULIAI will go on living, though

JULIASad and sorry—weak and weary!

JULIANo, no!  Let the bygone go by!

JULIANo good ever came of repining:

JULIAIf to-day there are clouds o'er the sky,

JULIATo-morrow the sun may be shining!

JULIATo-morrow, be kind,

JULIATo-morrow, to me!

JULIAWith loyalty blind

JULIAI curtsey to thee!

JULIATo-day is a day of illusion and sorrow,

JULIASo viva To-morrow, To-morrow, To-morrow!

JULIAGod save you, To-morrow!

JULIAYour servant, To-morrow!

JULIAGod save you, To-morrow, To-morrow, To-morrow!

[Exit JULIA.

Enter ERNEST.

ERNIt's of no use—I can't wait any longer.

ERNAt any risk

ERNI must gratify my urgent desire to know what is going on.

ERN(Looking off)  Why, what's that?  Surely I see a wedding

ERNprocession winding down the hill, dressed in my Troilus and

ERNCressida costumes!  That's Ludwig's doing!  I see how it is—he

ERNfound the time hang heavy on his hands, and is amusing himself by

ERNgetting married to Lisa.

ERNNo—it can't be to Lisa, for here she

ERNis!

Enter LISA.

ERNLISA (not seeing him).

ERNI really cannot stand seeing my

ERNLudwig married twice in one day to somebody else!

ERNLisa!

ERN(LISA sees him, and stands as if transfixed with horror).

ERNCome here—don't be a little fool—I want you.

LISA suddenly turns and bolts off

ERNWhy, what's the matter with the little donkey?  One

ERNwould think she saw a ghost!  But if he's not marrying Lisa, whom

ERNis he marrying?  (Suddenly)  Julia!  (Much overcome)  I see it

ERNall!  The scoundrel!  He had to adopt all my responsibilities,

ERNand he's shabbily taken advantage of the situation to marry the

ERNgirl I'm engaged to!  But no, it can't be Julia, for here she is!

Enter JULIA.

ERNJULIA (not seeing him).

ERNI've made up my mind.

ERNI won't

ERNstand it!  I'll send in my notice at once!

ERNJulia!  Oh, what a relief!

JULIA gazes at him as if transfixed

ERNThen you've not married Ludwig?  You are still true

ERNto

ERNme?

(JULIA turns and bolts in grotesque horror.

ERNERNEST follows and

ERNstops her)

ERNDon't run away!  Listen to me.

ERNAre you all crazy?

ERNJULIA (in affected terror).

ERNWhat would you with me,

ERNspectre?  Oh, ain't his eyes sepulchral!  And ain't his voice

ERNhollow!  What are you doing out of your tomb at this time of

ERNday—apparition?

ERNI do wish I could make you girls understand that I'm

ERNonly technically dead, and that physically I'm as much alive as

ERNever I was in my life!

JULIAOh, but it's an awful thing to be haunted by a

JULIAtechnical bogy!

ERNYou won't be haunted much longer.

ERNThe law must be on

ERNits last legs, and in a few hours I shall come to life

ERNagain—resume all my social and civil functions, and claim my

ERNdarling as my blushing bride!

JULIAOh—then you haven't heard?

ERNMy love, I've heard nothing.

ERNHow could I?  There are

ERNno daily papers where I come from.

JULIAWhy, Ludwig challenged Rudolph and won, and now

JULIAhe's

JULIAGrand Duke, and he's revived the law for another century!

ERNWhat!  But you're not serious—you're only joking!

JULIAMy good sir, I'm a light-hearted girl, but I don't

JULIAchaff bogies.

ERNWell, that's the meanest dodge I ever heard of!

JULIAShabby trick, I call it.

ERNBut you don't mean to say that you're going to cry

ERNoff!

JULIAI really can't afford to wait until your time is

JULIAup.

JULIAYou know, I've always set my face against long engagements.

ERNThen defy the law and marry me now.

ERNWe will fly to

ERNyour native country, and I'll play broken-English in London as

ERNyou play broken-German here!

JULIANo.

JULIAThese legal technicalities cannot be defied.

JULIASituated as you are, you have no power to make me your wife.

JULIAAt

JULIAbest you could only make me your widow.

ERNThen be my widow—my little, dainty, winning, winsome

ERNwidow!

JULIANow what would be the good of that?  Why, you

JULIAgoose,

JULIAI should marry again within a month!

JULIADUET—ERNEST and JULIA.

ERNIf the light of love's lingering ember

ERNHas faded in gloom,

ERNYou cannot neglect, O remember,

ERNA voice from the tomb!

ERNThat stern supernatural diction

ERNShould act as a solemn restriction,

ERNAlthough by a mere legal fiction

ERNA voice from the tomb!

ERNJULIA (in affected terror).

ERNI own that that utterance chills me—

ERNIt withers my bloom!

ERNWith awful emotion it thrills me—

ERNThat voice from the tomb!

ERNOh, spectre, won't anything lay thee?

ERNThough pained to deny or gainsay thee,

ERNIn this case I cannot obey thee,

ERNThou voice from the tomb!

ERN(Dancing)        So,  spectre, appalling,

ERNI bid you good-day—

ERNPerhaps you'll be calling

ERNWhen passing this way.

ERNYour bogydom scorning,

ERNAnd all your love-lorning,

ERNI bid you good-morning,

ERNI bid you good-day.

ERN(furious).

ERNMy offer recalling,

ERNYour words I obey—

ERNYour fate is appalling,

ERNAnd full of dismay.

ERNTo pay for this scorning

ERNI give you fair warning

ERNI'll haunt you each morning,

ERNEach night, and each day!

Repeat Ensemble, and exeunt in opposite directions

Re-enter the Wedding Procession dancing.

CHORUSNow bridegroom and bride let us toast

CHORUSIn a magnum of merry champagne—

CHORUSLet us make of this moment the most,

CHORUSWe may not be so lucky again.

CHORUSSo drink to our sovereign host

CHORUSAnd his highly intelligent reign—

CHORUSHis health and his bride's let us toast

CHORUSIn a magnum of merry champagne!

CHORUSSONG—BARONESS with CHORUS.

CHORUSI once gave an evening party

CHORUS(A sandwich and cut-orange ball),

CHORUSBut my guests had such appetites hearty

CHORUSThat I couldn't enjoy it, enjoy it at all.

CHORUSI made a heroic endeavour

CHORUSTo look unconcerned, but in vain,

CHORUSAnd I vow'd that I never—oh never

CHORUSWould ask anybody again!

CHORUSBut there's a distinction decided—-

CHORUSA difference truly immense—

CHORUSWhen the wine that you drink is provided, provided,

CHORUSAt somebody else's expense.

CHORUSSo bumpers—aye, ever so many—

CHORUSThe cost we may safely ignore!

CHORUSFor the wine doesn't cost us a penny,

CHORUSTho' it's Pommry seventy-four!

CHORUSSo bumpers—aye, ever so many—etc.

CHORUSCome, bumpers—aye, ever so many—

CHORUSAnd then, if you will, many more!

CHORUSThis wine doesn't cost us a penny,

CHORUSTho' it's Pommry, Pommry seventy-four!

CHORUSOld wine is a true panacea

CHORUSFor ev'ry conceivable ill,

CHORUSWhen you cherish the soothing idea

CHORUSThat somebody else pays the bill!

CHORUSOld wine is a pleasure that's hollow

CHORUSWhen at your own table you sit,

CHORUSFor you're thinking each mouthful you swallow

CHORUSHas cost you, has cost you a threepenny-bit!

CHORUSSo bumpers—aye, ever so many—

CHORUSAnd then, if you will, many more!

CHORUSThis wine doesn't cost us a penny,

CHORUSTho' it's Pommry seventy-four!

CHORUSSo, bumpers—aye, ever so many—etc.

March heard

LUD(recit).

LUDWhy, who is this approaching,

LUDUpon our joy encroaching?

LUDSome rascal come a-poaching

LUDWho's heard that wine we're broaching?

ALLWho may this be?

ALLWho is he?  Who is he?  Who is he?

Enter HERALD.

HERALDThe Prince of Monte Carlo,

HERALDFrom Mediterranean water,

HERALDHas come here to bestow

HERALDOn you his beautiful daughter.

HERALDThey've paid off all they owe,

HERALDAs every statesman oughter—

HERALDThat Prince of Monte Carlo

HERALDAnd his be-eautiful daughter!

CHORUSThe Prince of Monte Carlo, etc.

HERALDThe Prince of Monte Carlo,

HERALDWho is so very partickler,

HERALDHas heard that you're also

HERALDFor ceremony a stickler—

HERALDTherefore he lets you know

HERALDBy word of mouth auric'lar—

HERALD(That Prince of Monte Carlo

HERALDWho is so very particklar)—

CHORUSThe Prince of Monte Carlo, etc.

HERALDThat Prince of Monte Carlo,

HERALDFrom Mediterranean water,

HERALDHas come here to bestow

HERALDOn you his be-eautiful daughter!

LUD(recit).

LUDHis Highness we know not—nor the locality

LUDIn which is situate his Principality;

LUDBut, as he guesses by some odd fatality,

LUDThis is the shop for cut and dried formality!

LUDLet him appear—

LUDHe'll find that we're

LUDRemarkable for cut and dried formality.

LUD(Reprise of March.

Exit HERALD.

LUDLUDWIG beckons his Court)

LUDI have a plan—I'll tell you all the plot of it—

LUDHe wants formality—he shall have a lot of it!

Whispers to them, through symphony

Conceal yourselves, and when I give the cue,

LUDSpring out on him—you all know what to do!

LUD(All conceal themselves behind the draperies that enclose the

LUDstage)

LUDPompous March.

Enter the PRINCE and PRINCESS OF MONTE CARLO,

LUDattended by six theatrical-looking nobles and the Court

LUDCostumier.

LUDDUET—Prince and PRINCESS.

PRINCEWe're rigged out in magnificent array

Our own clothes are much gloomier

PRINCEIn costumes which we've hired by the day

PRINCEFrom a very well-known costumier.

COST(bowing).

COSTI am the well-known costumier.

PRINCESSWith a brilliant staff a Prince should make a show

PRINCESS(It's a rule that never varies),

PRINCESSSo we've engaged from the Theatre Monaco

PRINCESSSix supernumeraries.

NOBLESWe're the supernumeraries.

ALLAt a salary immense,

ALLQuite regardless of expense,

ALLSix supernumeraries!

PRINCEThey do not speak, for they break our grammar's laws,

PRINCEAnd their language is lamentable—

PRINCEAnd they never take off their gloves, because

PRINCETheir nails are not presentable.

NOBLESOur nails are not presentable!

PRINCESSTo account for their shortcomings manifest

We explain, in a whisper bated,

PRINCESSThey are wealthy members of the brewing interest

PRINCESSTo the Peerage elevated.

NOBLESTo the Peerage elevated.

ALLThey're/We're very, very rich,

ALLAnd accordingly, as sich,

ALLTo the Peerage elevated.

PRINCEWell, my dear, here we are at last—just in time

PRINCEto

PRINCEcompel Duke Rudolph to fulfil the terms of his marriage contract.

PRINCEAnother hour and we should have been too late.

PRINCESSYes, papa, and if you hadn't fortunately

PRINCESSdiscovered a means of making an income by honest industry, we

PRINCESSshould never have got here at all.

PRINCEVery true.

PRINCEConfined for the last two years within

PRINCEthe precincts of my palace by an obdurate bootmaker who held a

PRINCEwarrant for my arrest, I devoted my enforced leisure to a study

PRINCEof the doctrine of chances—mainly with the view of ascertaining

PRINCEwhether there was the remotest chance of my ever going out for a

PRINCEwalk again—and this led to the discovery of a singularly

PRINCEfascinating little round game which I have called Roulette, and

PRINCEby which, in one sitting, I won no less than five thousand

PRINCEfrancs!  My first act was to pay my bootmaker—my second, to

PRINCEengage a good useful working set of second-hand nobles—and my

PRINCEthird, to hurry you off to Pfennig Halbpfennig as fast as a train

PRINCEde luxe could carry us!

PRINCESSYes, and a pretty job-lot of second-hand nobles

PRINCESSyou've scraped together!

PRINCESSPRINCE (doubtfully).

PRINCESSPretty, you think?  Humph!  I don't

PRINCESSknow.

PRINCESSI should say tol-lol, my love—only tol-lol.

PRINCESSThey are not

PRINCESSwholly satisfactory.

PRINCESSThere is a certain air of unreality about

PRINCESSthem—they are not convincing.

COSTBut, my goot friend, vhat can you expect for

COSTeighteenpence a day!

PRINCENow take this Peer, for instance.

PRINCEWhat the deuce

PRINCEdo you call him?

COSTHim?  Oh, he's a swell—he's the Duke of Riviera.

PRINCEOh, he's a Duke, is he?  Well, that's no reason

PRINCEwhy

PRINCEhe should look so confoundedly haughty.

PRINCE(To Noble)  Be affable,

PRINCEsir!  (Noble takes attitude of affability)  That's better.

PRINCE(Passing to another)  Now, who's this with his moustache coming

PRINCEoff?

COSTVhy; you're Viscount Mentone, ain't you?

NOBLESBlest if I know.

(Turning up sword-belt)  It's

NOBLESwrote here—yes, Viscount Mentone.

COSTThen vhy don't you say so?  'Old yerself up—you

COSTain't carryin' sandwich boards now.

Adjusts his moustache

PRINCENow, once for all, you Peers—when His Highness

PRINCEarrives, don't stand like sticks, but appear to take an

PRINCEintelligent and sympathetic interest in what is going on.

PRINCEYou

PRINCEneedn't say anything, but let your gestures be in accordance with

PRINCEthe spirit of the conversation.

Now take the word from me.

PRINCEAffability!  (attitude).

PRINCESubmission!  (attitude).

PRINCESurprise!

PRINCE(attitude).

PRINCEShame!  (attitude).

PRINCEGrief!  (attitude).

PRINCEJoy!

PRINCE(attitude).

PRINCEThat's better!  You can do it if you like!

PRINCESSBut, papa, where in the world is the Court?

PRINCESSThere is positively no one here to receive us!  I can't help

PRINCESSfeeling that Rudolph wants to get out of it because I'm poor.

PRINCESSHe's a miserly little wretch—that's what he is.

PRINCEWell, I shouldn't go so far as to say that.

Ishould rather describe him as an enthusiastic collector of

Icoins—of the realm—and we must not be too hard upon a

Inumismatist if he feels a certain disinclination to part with

Isome of his really very valuable specimens.

IIt's a pretty hobby:

II've often thought I should like to collect some coins myself.

PRINCESSPapa, I'm sure there's some one behind that

PRINCESScurtain.

PRINCESSI saw it move!

PRINCEThen no doubt they are coming.

PRINCENow mind, you

PRINCEPeers—haughty affability combined with a sense of what is due to

PRINCEyour exalted ranks, or I'll fine you half a franc each—upon my

PRINCEsoul I will!

PRINCE(Gong.

PRINCEThe curtains fly back and the Court are discovered.

PRINCEThey

give a wild yell and rush on to the stage dancing wildly,

PRINCEwith PRINCE, PRINCESS, and Nobles, who are taken by

PRINCEsurprise

PRINCEat first, but eventually join in a reckless dance.

PRINCEAt the

end all fall down exhausted)

LUDThere, what do you think of that?  That's our

LUDofficial

LUDceremonial for the reception of visitors of the very highest

LUDdistinction.

LUDPRINCE (puzzled).

LUDIt's very quaint—very curious indeed.

LUDPrettily footed, too.

LUDPrettily footed.

LUDWould you like to see how we say "good-bye" to

LUDvisitors of distinction?  That ceremony is also performed with

LUDthe foot.

PRINCEReally, this tone—ah, but perhaps you have not

PRINCEcompletely grasped the situation?

LUDNot altogether.

PRINCEAh, then I'll give you a lead over.

PRINCE(Significantly:

PRINCE)  I am the father of the Princess of Monte Carlo.

PRINCEDoesn't that convey any idea to the Grand Ducal mind?

LUD(stolidly).

LUDNothing definite.

PRINCE (aside).

LUDH'm—very odd!  Never mind—try again!

LUD(Aloud)  This is the daughter of the Prince of Monte Carlo.

LUDDo

LUDyou take?

LUD(still puzzled).

LUDNo—not yet.

LUDGo on—don't give it

LUDup—I dare say it will come presently.

PRINCEVery odd—never mind—try again.

PRINCE(With sly

PRINCEsignificance)  Twenty years ago!  Little doddle doddle!  Two

PRINCElittle doddle doddles!  Happy father—hers and yours.

PRINCEProud

PRINCEmother—yours and hers!  Hah!  Now you take?  I see you do!  I

PRINCEsee you do!

LUDNothing is more annoying than to feel that you're not

LUDequal to the intellectual pressure of the conversation.

LUDI wish

LUDhe'd say something intelligible.

PRINCEYou didn't expect me?

LUD(jumping at it).

LUDNo, no.

LUDI grasp that—thank you

LUDvery

LUDmuch.

LUD(Shaking hands with him)  No, I did not expect you!

PRINCEI thought not.

PRINCEBut ha! ha! at last I have escaped

PRINCEfrom my enforced restraint.

PRINCE(General movement of alarm)  (To

PRINCEcrowd who are stealing off)  No, no—you misunderstand me.

Imean I've paid my debts!

ALLOh!  (They return)

ALLPRINCESS (affectionately).

ALLBut, my darling, I'm afraid

ALLthat

ALLeven now you don't quite realize who I am!  (Embracing him)

BARONESSWhy, you forward little hussy, how dare you?

Takes her away from LUDWIG

LUDYou mustn't do that, my dear—never in the presence

LUDof

LUDthe Grand Duchess, I beg!

PRINCESS (weeping).

LUDOh, papa, he's got a Grand Duchess!

LUDA Grand Duchess!  My good girl, I've got three Grand

LUDDuchesses!

PRINCESSWell, I'm sure!  Papa, let's go away—this is

PRINCESSnot

PRINCESSa respectable Court.

PRINCEAll these Grand Dukes have their little fancies,

PRINCEmy

PRINCElove.

PRINCEThis potentate appears to be collecting wives.

PRINCEIt's a

PRINCEpretty hobby—I should like to collect a few myself.

PRINCEThis

PRINCE(admiring BARONESS) is a charming specimen—an antique, I should

PRINCEsay—of the early Merovingian period, if I'm not mistaken; and

PRINCEhere's another—a Scotch lady, I think (alluding to JULIA), and

PRINCE(alluding to LISA) a little one thrown in.

PRINCETwo half-quarterns

PRINCEand a makeweight!  (To LUDWIG)  Have you such a thing as a

PRINCEcatalogue of the Museum?

PRINCESSBut I cannot permit Rudolph to keep a museum—

LUDRudolph?  Get along with you, I'm not Rudolph!

LUDRudolph died yesterday!

LUDPRINCE and PRINCESS.

LUDWhat!

LUDQuite suddenly—of—of—a cardiac affection.

LUDPRINCE and PRINCESS.

LUDOf a cardiac affection!

LUDYes, a pack-of-cardiac affection.

LUDHe fought a

LUDStatutory Duel with me and lost, and I took over all his

LUDengagements—including this imperfectly preserved old lady, to

LUDwhom he has been engaged for the last three weeks.

PRINCESSThree weeks!  But I've been engaged to him for

PRINCESSthe last twenty years!

PRINCESSBARONESS, LISA, and JULIA.

PRINCESSTwenty years!

PRINCE (aside).

PRINCESSIt's all right, my love—they can't get

PRINCESSover that.

PRINCESS(Aloud)  He's yours—take him, and hold him as tight

PRINCESSas you can!

PRINCESSMy own!  (Embracing LUDWIG)

LUDHere's another!—the fourth in four-and-twenty hours!

LUDWould anybody else like to marry me?  You, ma'am—or

LUDyou—anybody!  I'm getting used to it!

BARONESSBut let me tell you, ma'am—

JULIAWhy, you impudent little hussy—

LISAOh, here's another—here's another!  (Weeping)

PRINCESSPoor ladies, I'm very sorry for you all; but,

PRINCESSyou

PRINCESSsee, I've a prior claim.

PRINCESSCome, away we go—there's not a moment

PRINCESSto be lost!

CHORUS (as they dance towards exit).

PRINCESSAway to the wedding we'll go

PRINCESSTo summon the charioteers,

PRINCESSNo kind of reluctance we show

PRINCESSTo embark on our married careers—

PRINCESS(At this moment RUDOLPH, ERNEST, and NOTARY appear.

All kneel in astonishment)

RUD, Ern.

RUD, and NOT.

RUDForbear!  This may not be!

RUDFrustrated are your plans!

RUDWith paramount decree

RUDThe Law forbids the banns!

ALLThe Law forbids the banns!

LUDNot a bit of it!  I've revived the law for another

LUDcentury!

RUDYou didn't revive it!  You couldn't revive it!

RUDYou—you are an impostor, sir—a tuppenny rogue, sir!  You—you

RUDnever were, and in all human probability never will be—Grand

RUDDuke of Pfennig Anything!

ALLWhat!!!

RUDNever—never, never!  (Aside)  Oh, my internal

RUDeconomy!

LUDThat's absurd, you know.

LUDI fought the Grand Duke.

LUDHe

LUDdrew a King, and I drew an Ace.

LUDHe perished in inconceivable

LUDagonies on the spot.

LUDNow, as that's settled, we'll go on with

LUDthe wedding.

RUDIt—it isn't settled.

RUDYou—you can't.

RUDI—I—(to

NOTOh, tell him—tell him!  I can't!

NOTWell, the fact is, there's been a little mistake

NOThere.

NOTOn reference to the Act that regulates Statutory Duels, I find it

NOTis expressly laid down that the Ace shall count invariably as

NOTlowest!

ALLAs lowest!

RUD(breathlessly).

RUDAs lowest—lowest—lowest!  So

RUDyou're

RUDthe ghoest—ghoest—ghoest!  (Aside)  Oh, what is the matter

RUDwith me inside here!

ERNWell, Julia, as it seems that the law hasn't been

ERNrevived—and as, consequently, I shall come to life in about

ERNthree minutes—(consulting his watch)—

My objection falls to the ground.

Resignedly

JULIAVery well!

And am I to understand that I was on the point

PRINCESSof

PRINCESSmarrying a dead man without knowing it?  (To RUDOLPH, who

PRINCESSrevives)  Oh, my love, what a narrow escape I've had!

RUDOh—you are the Princess of Monte Carlo, and you've

RUDturned up just in time!  Well, you're an attractive little girl,

RUDyou know, but you're as poor as a rat!  (They retire up

RUDtogether)

LISAThat's all very well, but what is to become of me?

To LUDWIG)  If you're a dead man—(Clock strikes three

LUDBut I'm not.

LUDTime's up—the Act has expired—I've

LUDcome

LUDto life—the parson is still in attendance, and we'll all be

LUDmarried directly.

ALLHurrah!

FINALEHappy couples, lightly treading,

FINALECastle chapel will be quite full!

FINALEEach shall have a pretty wedding,

FINALEAs, of course, is only rightful,

FINALEThough the brides be fair or frightful.

FINALEContradiction little dreading,

FINALEThis will be a day delightful—

FINALEEach shall have a pretty wedding!

FINALESuch a pretty, pretty wedding!

FINALESuch a pretty wedding!

All dance off to get married as the curtain falls