Ruddigore

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Ruddigore Libretto

MORTALSSIR RUTHVEN MURGATROYD (disguised as Robin Oakapple, a Young

MORTALSFarmer)

MORTALSRICHARD DAUNTLESS (his Foster-Brother, a Man-o'-war's man)

MORTALSSIR DESPARD MURGATROYD, OF RUDDIGORE (a Wicked Baronet)

MORTALSOLD ADAM GOODHEART (Robin's Faithful Servant)

MORTALSROSE MAYBUD (a Village Maiden)

MARDAME HANNAH (Rose's Aunt)

MARZORAH and RUTH (Professional Bridesmaids)

GHOSTSSIR RUPERT MURGATROYD (the First Baronet)

GHOSTSSIR JASPER MURGATROYD (the Third Baronet)

GHOSTSSIR LIONEL MURGATROYD (the Sixth Baronet)

GHOSTSSIR CONRAD MURGATROYD (the Twelfth Baronet)

GHOSTSSIR DESMOND MURGATROYD (the Sixteenth Baronet)

GHOSTSSIR GILBERT MURGATROYD (the Eighteenth Baronet)

GHOSTSSIR MERVYN MURGATROYD (the Twentieth Baronet)

GHOSTSand

GHOSTSSIR RODERIC MURGATROYD (the Twenty-first Baronet)

GHOSTSChorus of Officers, Ancestors, Professional Bridesmaids, and

GHOSTSVillagers

SYSTEMACT I

GHOSTSThe Fishing Village of Rederring, in Cornwall

SYSTEMACT II

GHOSTSThe Picture Gallery in Ruddigore Castle

TIMEEarly in the 19th Century

SYSTEMACT I

SYSTEMSCENE.

TIMEThe fishing village of Rederring (in Cornwall).

ROSEMaybud's cottage is seen L.

Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids.

ROSEThey range themselves in front of

ROSERose's cottage.

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSFair is Rose as bright May-day;

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSSoft is Rose as the warm west-wind;

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSSweet is Rose as the new-mown hay—

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSRose is queen of maiden-kind!

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSRose, all glowing

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSWith virgin blushes, say—

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSIs anybody going

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSTo marry you to-day?

ZORAHEvery day, as the days roll on,

ZORAHBridesmaids' garb we gaily don,

ZORAHSure that a maid so fairly famed

ZORAHCan't long remain unclaimed.

ZORAHHour by hour and day by day,

ZORAHSeveral months have passed away,

ZORAHThough she's the fairest flower that blows,

ZORAHNo one has married Rose!

CHORUSRose, all glowing

CHORUSWith virgin blushes, say—

CHORUSIs anybody going

CHORUSTo marry you to-day?

ZORAHHour by hour and day by day,

ZORAHMonths have passed away.

CHORUSFair is Rose as bright Mayday, etc.

Enter Dame Hannah, from cottage

HANNAHNay, gentle maidens, you sing well but vainly, for

HANNAHRose is still heart-free, and looks but coldly upon her many

HANNAHsuitors.

ZORAHIt's very disappointing.

ZORAHEvery young man in the

ZORAHvillage is in love with her, but they are appalled by her beauty

ZORAHand modesty, and won't declare themselves; so, until she makes

ZORAHher own choice, there's no chance for anybody else.

RUTHThis is, perhaps, the only village in the world that

RUTHpossesses an endowed corps of professional bridesmaids who are

RUTHbound to be on duty every day from ten to four—and it is at

RUTHleast six months since our services were required.

RUTHThe pious

RUTHcharity by which we exist is practically wasted!

ZORAHWe shall be disendowed—that will be the end of it!

ZORAHDame Hannah—you're a nice old person—you could marry if you

ZORAHliked.

ZORAHThere's old Adam—Robin's faithful servant—he loves you

ZORAHwith all the frenzy of a boy of fourteen.

HANNay—that may never be, for I am pledged!

ALLTo whom?

HANTo an eternal maidenhood!  Many years ago I was

HANbetrothed to a god-like youth who woo'd me under an assumed name.

HANBut on the very day upon which our wedding was to have been

HANcelebrated, I discovered that he was no other than Sir Roderic

HANMurgatroyd, one of the bad Baronets of Ruddigore, and the uncle

HANof the man who now bears that title.

HANAs a son of that accursed

HANrace he was no husband for an honest girl, so, madly as I loved

HANhim, I left him then and there.

HANHe died but ten years since, but

HANI never saw him again.

ZORAHBut why should you not marry a bad Baronet of

ZORAHRuddigore?

RUTHAll baronets are bad; but was he worse than other

RUTHbaronets?

HANMy child, he was accursed.

ZORAHBut who cursed him?  Not you, I trust!

HANThe curse is on all his line and has been, ever since

HANthe time of Sir Rupert, the first Baronet.

HANListen, and you shall

HANhear the legend:

HANNAHSir Rupert Murgatroyd

HANNAHHis leisure and his riches

HANNAHHe ruthlessly employed

HANNAHIn persecuting witches.

HANNAHWith fear he'd make them quake—

HANNAHHe'd duck them in his lake—

HANNAHHe'd break their bones

HANNAHWith sticks and stones,

HANNAHAnd burn them at the stake!

CHORUSThis sport he much enjoyed,

CHORUSDid Rupert Murgatroyd—

CHORUSNo sense of shame

CHORUSOr pity came

CHORUSTo Rupert Murgatroyd!

CHORUSOnce, on the village green,

CHORUSA palsied hag he roasted,

CHORUSAnd what took place, I ween,

CHORUSShook his composure boasted;

CHORUSFor, as the torture grim

CHORUSSeized on each withered limb,

CHORUSThe writhing dame

CHORUS`Mid fire and flame

CHORUSYelled forth this curse on him:

CHORUS"Each lord of Ruddigore,

CHORUSDespite his best endeavour,

CHORUSShall do one crime, or more,

CHORUSOnce, every day, for ever!

CHORUSThis doom he can't defy,

CHORUSHowever he may try,

CHORUSFor should he stay

CHORUSHis hand, that day

CHORUSIn torture he shall die!"

CHORUSThe prophecy came true:

CHORUSEach heir who held the title

CHORUSHad, every day, to do

CHORUSSome crime of import vital;

CHORUSUntil, with guilt o'erplied,

CHORUS"I'll Sin no more!" he cried,

CHORUSAnd on the day

CHORUSHe said that say,

CHORUSIn agony he died!

CHORUSAnd thus, with sinning cloyed,

CHORUSHas died each Murgatroyd,

And so shall fall,

CHORUSBoth one and all,

CHORUSEach coming Murgatroyd!

Exeunt Chorus of Bridesmaids

Enter Rose Maybud from cottage, with small basket on her arm

HANWhither away, dear Rose?  On some errand of charity,

HANas is thy wont?

ROSEA few gifts, dear aunt, for deserving villagers.

ROSELo,

ROSEhere is some peppermint rock for old gaffer Gadderby, a set of

ROSEfalse teeth for pretty little Ruth Rowbottom, and a pound of

ROSEsnuff for the poor orphan girl on the hill.

HANAh, Rose, pity that so much goodness should not help

HANto make some gallant youth happy for life!  Rose, why dost thou

HANharden that little heart of thine?  Is there none hereaway whom

HANthou couldst love?

ROSEAnd if there were such an one, verily it would ill

ROSEbecome me to tell him so.

HANNay, dear one, where true love is, there is little

HANneed of prim formality.

ROSEHush, dear aunt, for thy words pain me sorely.

ROSEHung

ROSEin a plated dish-cover to the knocker of the workhouse door, with

ROSEnaught that I could call mine own, save a change of baby-linen

ROSEand a book of etiquette, little wonder if I have always regarded

ROSEthat work as a voice from a parent's tomb.

ROSEThis hallowed volume

ROSE(producing a book of etiquette), composed, if I may believe the

ROSEtitle-page, by no less an authority than the wife of a Lord

ROSEMayor, has been, through life, my guide and monitor.

ROSEBy its

ROSEsolemn precepts I have learnt to test the moral worth of all who

ROSEapproach me.

ROSEThe man who bites his bread, or eats peas with a

ROSEknife, I look upon as a lost creature, and he who has not

acquired the proper way of entering and leaving a room is the

ROSEobject of my pitying horror.

ROSEThere are those in this village who

ROSEbite their nails, dear aunt, and nearly all are wont to use their

ROSEpocket combs in public places.

ROSEIn truth I could pursue this

ROSEpainful theme much further, but behold, I have said enough.

HANBut is there not one among them who is faultless, in

HANthine eyes?  For example—young Robin.

HANHe combines the manners

HANof a Marquis with the morals of a Methodist.

HANCouldst thou not

HANlove him?

ROSEAnd even if I could, how should I confess it unto

ROSEhim?  For lo, he is shy, and sayeth naught!

ALLIf somebody there chanced to be

ALLWho loved me in a manner true,

My heart would point him out to me,

And I would point him out to you.

(Referring     But here it says of those who point—

ALLto book)      Their manners must be out of joint—

You may not point—

You must not point—

ALLIt's manners out of joint, to point!

ALLAh! Had I the love of such as he,

ALLSome quiet spot he'd take me to,

Then he could whisper it to me,

And I could whisper it to you.

(Referring     But whispering, I've somewhere met,

ALLto book)      Is contrary to etiquette:

Where can it be (Searching book)

ALLNow let me see—(Finding reference)

ALLYes, yes!

ALLIt's contrary to etiquette!

Showing it to Dame Hannah

ALLIf any well-bred youth I knew,

ALLPolite and gentle, neat and trim,

ALLThen I would hint as much to you,

ALLAnd you could hint as much to him.

ALL(Referring     But here it says, in plainest print,

ALLto book)           "It's most unladylike to hint"—

ALLYou may not hint,

ALLYou must not hint—

ALLIt says you mustn't hint, in print!

ALLAh! And if I loved him through and through—

ALL(True love and not a passing whim),

ALLThen I could speak of it to you,

ALLAnd you could speak of it to him.

ALL(Referring     But here I find it doesn't do

ALLto book)      To speak until you're spoken to.

ALLWhere can it be?  (Searching book)

ALLNow let me see—(Finding reference)

ALLYes, yes!

ALL"Don't speak until you're spoken to!"

Exit Dame Hannah

ROSEPoor aunt!  Little did the good soul think, when she

ROSEbreathed the hallowed name of Robin, that he would do even as

ROSEwell as another.

ROSEBut he resembleth all the youths in this

ROSEvillage, in that he is unduly bashful in my presence, and lo, it

is hard to bring him to the point.

ROSEBut soft, he is here!

Rose is about to go when Robin enters and calls her

ROBINMistress Rose!

ROSE(Surprised)  Master Robin!

ROBI wished to say that—it is fine.

ROSEIt is passing fine.

ROBBut we do want rain.

ROSEAye, sorely! Is that all?

(Sighing)  That is all.

ROSEGood day, Master Robin!

ROBGood day, Mistress Rose!  (Both going—both stop)

ROSEI crave pardon, I—

ROBI beg pardon, I—

ROSEYou were about to say?—

ROBI would fain consult you—

ROSETruly?

ROBIt is about a friend.

ROSEIn truth I have a friend myself.

ROBIndeed?  I mean, of course—

ROSEAnd I would fain consult you—

ROB(Anxiously)  About him?

ROSE(Prudishly)  About her.

ROB(Relieved)  Let us consult one another.

ROBDUET-ROBIN and ROSE

ROBI know a youth who loves a little maid—

Hey, but his face is a sight for to see!

ROBSilent is he, for he's modest and afraid—

Hey, but he's timid as a youth can be!

ROSEI know a maid who loves a gallant youth,

Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!

ROSEShe cannot tell him all the sad, sad truth—

Hey, but I think that little maid will die!

ROBPoor little man!

ROSEPoor little maid!

ROBPoor little man!

ROSEPoor little maid!

BOTHNow tell me pray, and tell me true,

BOTHWhat in the world should the (young man\maiden) do?

ROBHe cannot eat and he cannot sleep—

Hey, but his face is a sight for to see!

Daily he goes for to wail—for to weep—

Hey, but he's wretched as a youth can be!

ROSEShe's very thin and she's very pale—

Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!

Daily she goes for to weep—for to wail—

Hey, but I think that little maid will die!

ROBPoor little maid!

ROSEPoor little man!

ROBPoor little maid!

ROSEPoor little man!

BOTHNow tell me pray, and tell me true,

BOTHWhat in the world should the (young man\maiden) do?

ROSEIf I were the youth I should offer her my name—

Hey, but her face is a sight for to see!

ROBIf were the maid I should fan his honest flame—

Hey, but he's bashful as a youth can be!

ROSEIf I were the youth I should speak to her to-day—

Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!

ROBIf I were the maid I should meet the lad half way—

ROB(For I really do believe that timid youth will

ROBdie!)

ROSEPoor little man!

ROBPoor little maid!

ROSEPoor little man!

ROBPoor little maid!

BOTHI thank you, (miss\sir), for your counsel true;

BOTHI'll tell that (youth\maid) what (he\she) ought to

BOTHdo!

Exit ROSE

ROBPoor child!  I sometimes think that if she wasn't

ROBquite so particular I might venture—but no, no—even then I

ROBshould be unworthy of her!

ROB(He sit desponding.

Enter Old Adam)

ADAMMy kind master is sad!  Dear Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd—

ROBHush! As you love me, breathe not that hated name.

ROBTwenty years ago, in horror at the prospect of inheriting that

ROBhideous title, and with it the ban that compels all who succeed

ROBto the baronetcy to commit at least one deadly crime per day, for

ROBlife, I fled my home, and concealed myself in this innocent

ROBvillage under the name of Robin Oakapple.

ROBMy younger brother,

ROBDespard, believing me to be dead, succeeded to the title and its

ROBattendant curse.

ROBFor twenty years I have been dead and buried.

ROBDon't dig me up now.

ADAMDear master, it shall be as you wish, for have I not

ADAMsworn to obey you for ever in all things?  Yet, as we are here

ADAMalone, and as I belong to that particular description of good old

ADAMman to whom the truth is a refreshing novelty, let me call you by

ADAMyour own right title once more!  (Robin assents)  Sir Ruthven

ADAMMurgatroyd!  Baronet!  Of Ruddigore!  Whew!  It's like eight

ADAMhours at the seaside!

ROBMy poor old friend!  Would there were more like you!

ADAMWould there were indeed!  But I bring you good

ADAMtidings.

ADAMYour foster-brother, Richard, has returned from

ADAMsea—his ship the Tom-Tit rides yonder at anchor, and he himself

ADAMis even now in this very village!

ROBMy beloved foster-brother?  No, no—it cannot be!

ADAMIt is even so—and see, he comes this way!

Exeunt together

Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids

CHORUSFrom the briny sea

CHORUSComes young Richard, all victorious!

CHORUSValorous is he—

CHORUSHis achievements all are glorious!

CHORUSLet the welkin ring

CHORUSWith the news we bring

Sing it—shout it—

CHORUSTell about it—

CHORUSSafe and sound returneth he,

CHORUSAll victorious from the sea!

(Enter Richard.

CHORUSThe girls welcome him as he greets old

CHORUSacquaintances)

RICHI shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop,

RICHAnd, off Cape Finistere,

RICHA merchantman we see,

RICHA Frenchman, going free,

RICHSo we made for the bold Mounseer,

RICHD'ye see?

RICHWe made for the bold Mounseer.

CHORUSSo we made for the bold Mounseer,

CHORUSD'ye see?

CHORUSWe made for the bold Mounseer.

CHORUSBut she proved to be a Frigate—and she up with her

CHORUSports,

CHORUSAnd fires with a thirty-two!

CHORUSIt come uncommon near,

CHORUSBut we answered with a cheer,

CHORUSWhich paralysed the Parley-voo,

CHORUSD'ye see?

CHORUSWhich paralysed the Parley-voo!

CHORUSWhich paralysed the Parley-voo,

CHORUSD'ye see?

CHORUSWhich paralysed the Parley-voo!

CHORUSThen our Captain he up and he says, says he,

CHORUS"That chap we need not fear,—

We can take her, if we like,

CHORUSShe is sartin for to strike,

CHORUSFor she's only a darned Mounseer,

CHORUSD'ye see?

CHORUSShe's only a darned Mounseer!"

CHORUSFor she's only a darned Mounseer,

CHORUSD'ye see?

CHORUSShe's only a darned Mounseer!

CHORUS"But to fight a French fal-lal—it's like hittin' of a

CHORUSgal!

CHORUSIt's a lubberly thing for to do;

CHORUSFor we, with all our faults,

CHORUSWhy, we're sturdy British salts,

CHORUSWhile she's only a Parley-voo,

CHORUSD'ye see?

CHORUSWhile she's only a poor Parley-voo!"

CHORUSWhile she's only a Parley-voo,

CHORUSD'ye see?

CHORUSWhile she's only a poor Parley-voo!'

CHORUSSo we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze

As we gives a compassionating cheer;

Froggee answers with a shout

CHORUSAs he sees us go about,

CHORUSWhich was grateful of the poor Mounseer,

CHORUSD'ye see?

CHORUSWhich was grateful of the poor Mounseer!

CHORUSWhich was grateful of the poor Mounseer,

CHORUSD'ye see?

CHORUSWhich was grateful of the poor Mounseer!

CHORUSAnd I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's

CHORUScheek

CHORUS(Which is what them furriners do),

CHORUSAnd they blessed their lucky stars

CHORUSWe were hardy British tars

CHORUSWho had pity on a poor Parley-voo,

CHORUSD'ye see?

CHORUSWho had pity on a poor Parley-voo!

CHORUSWho had pity on a poor Parley-voo,

CHORUSD'ye see?

CHORUSWho had pity on a poor Parley-voo!

Exeunt Chorus

Enter Robin

ROBRichard!

RICHRobin!

ROBMy beloved foster-brother, and very dearest friend,

ROBwelcome home again after ten long years at sea!  It is such deeds

ROBas yours that cause our flag to be loved and dreaded throughout

ROBthe civilized world!

RICHWhy, lord love ye, Rob, that's but a trifle to what

RICHwe have done in the way of sparing life!  I believe I may say,

RICHwithout exaggeration, that the marciful little Tom-Tit has spared

RICHmore French frigates than any craft afloat!  But 'taint for a

RICHBritish seaman to brag, so I'll just stow my jawin' tackle and

RICHbelay.

(Robin sighs)  But 'vast heavin', messmate, what's

RICHbrought you all a-cockbill?

ROBAlas, Dick, I love Rose Maybud, and love in vain!

RICHYou love in vain?  Come, that's too good!  Why,

RICHyou're a fine strapping muscular young fellow—tall and strong as

RICHa to'-gall'n'-m'st—taut as a forestay—aye, and a barrowknight

RICHto boot, if all had their rights!

ROBHush, Richard—not a word about my true rank, which

ROBnone here suspect.

ROBYes, I know well enough that few men are

ROBbetter calculated to win a woman's heart than I.

ROBI'm a fine

ROBfellow, Dick, and worthy any woman's love—happy the girl who

ROBgets me, say I.

ROBBut I'm timid, Dick; shy—nervous—modest—

ROBretiring—diffident—and I cannot tell her, Dick, I cannot tell

ROBher!  Ah, you've no idea what a poor opinion I have of myself,

ROBand how little I deserve it.

RICHRobin, do you call to mind how, years ago, we swore

RICHthat, come what might, we would always act upon our hearts'

RICHdictates?

ROBAye, Dick, and I've always kept that oath.

ROBIn doubt,

ROBdifficulty, and danger I've always asked my heart what I should

ROBdo, and it has never failed me.

RICHRight!  Let your heart be your compass, with a clear

RICHconscience for your binnacle light, and you'll sail ten knots on

RICHa bowline, clear of shoals, rocks, and quicksands!  Well, now,

RICHwhat does my heart say in this here difficult situation?  Why, it

RICHsays, "Dick," it says—(it calls me Dick acos it's known me from

RICHa babby)—"Dick," it says, "you ain't shy—you ain't

RICHmodest—speak you up for him as is!"  Robin, my lad, just you lay

RICHme alongside, and when she's becalmed under my lee, I'll spin her

RICHa yarn that shall sarve to fish you two together for life!

ROBWill you do this thing for me?  Can you, do you think?

ROBYes (feeling his pulse).

ROBThere's no false modesty about you.

ROBYour—what I would call bumptious self-assertiveness (I mean the

ROBexpression in its complimentary sense) has already made you a

ROBbos'n's mate, and it will make an admiral of you in time, if you

ROBwork it properly, you dear, incompetent old impostor!  My dear

ROBfellow, I'd give my right arm for one tenth of your modest

ROBassurance!

ROBINMy boy, you may take it from me,

ROBINThat of all the afflictions accurst

ROBINWith which a man's saddled

ROBINAnd hampered and addled,

ROBINA diffident nature's the worst.

ROBINThough clever as clever can be—

ROBINA Crichton of early romance—

ROBINYou must stir it and stump it,

ROBINAnd blow your own trumpet,

ROBINOr, trust me, you haven't a chance!

ROBINIf you wish in the world to advance,

ROBINYour merits you're bound to enhance,

ROBINYou must stir it and stump it,

ROBINAnd blow your own trumpet,

ROBINOr, trust me, you haven't a chance!

ROBINNow take, for example, my case:

ROBINI've a bright intellectual brain—

ROBINIn all London city

ROBINThere's no one so witty—

ROBINI've thought so again and again.

ROBINI've a highly intelligent face—

ROBINMy features cannot be denied—

ROBINBut, whatever I try, sir,

ROBINI fail in—and why, sir?

ROBINI'm modesty personified!

ROBINIf you wish in the world to advance, etc.

ROBINAs a poet, I'm tender and quaint—

ROBINI've passion and fervour and grace—

ROBINFrom Ovid and Horace

ROBINTo Swinburne and Morris,

They all of them take a back place.

ROBINThen I sing and I play and I paint:

ROBINThough none are accomplished as I,

ROBINTo say so were treason:

ROBINYou ask me the reason?

ROBINI'm diffident, modest, and shy!

ROBINIf you wish in the world to advance, etc.

Exit Robin

RICH(looking after him).

RICHAh, it's a thousand pities he's

RICHsuch a poor opinion of himself, for a finer fellow don't walk!

RICHWell, I'll do my best for him.

RICH"Plead for him as though it was

RICHfor your own father"—that's what my heart's a-remarkin' to me

RICHjust now.

RICHBut here she comes!  Steady!  Steady it is!  (Enter

RICHRose—he is much struck by her)  By the Port Admiral, but she's

RICHa tight little craft!  Come, come, she's not for you, Dick, and

RICHyet—she's fit to marry Lord Nelson!  By the Flag of Old England,

I can't look at her unmoved.

ROSESir, you are agitated—

RICHAye, aye, my lass, well said!  I am agitated, true

RICHenough!—took flat aback, my girl; but 'tis naught—'twill pass.

(Aside)  This here heart of mine's a-dictatin' to me like

RICHanythink.

RICHQuestion is, Have I a right to disregard its

RICHpromptings?

ROSECan I do aught to relieve thine anguish, for it

ROSEseemeth to me that thou art in sore trouble?  This

ROSEapple—(offering a damaged apple).

RICH(looking at it and returning it).

RICHNo, my lass,

RICH'tain't that:

RICHI'm—I'm took flat aback—I never see anything like

RICHyou in all my born days.

RICHParbuckle me, if you ain't the

RICHloveliest gal I've ever set eyes on.

RICHThere—I can't say fairer

RICHthan that, can I?

ROSENo.

(Aside)  The question is, Is it meet that an

ROSEutter stranger should thus express himself?  (Refers to book)

ROSEYes—"Always speak the truth.

ROSE"

RICHI'd no thoughts of sayin' this here to you on my own

RICHaccount, for, truth to tell, I was chartered by another; but when

RICHI see you my heart it up and it says, says it, "This is the very

RICHlass for you, Dick"—"speak up to her, Dick," it says—(it calls

RICHme Dick acos we was at school together)—"tell her all, Dick," it

RICHsays, "never sail under false colours—it's mean!"  That's what

RICHmy heart tells me to say, and in my rough, common-sailor fashion,

RICHI've said it, and I'm a-waiting for your reply.

RICHI'm a-tremblin',

RICHmiss.

RICHLookye here—(holding out his hand).

RICHThat's narvousness!

ROSE (aside).

RICHNow, how should a maiden deal with such an

RICHone?  (Consults book)  "Keep no one in unnecessary suspense.

RICH"

RICH(Aloud)  Behold, I will not keep you in unnecessary suspense.

RICH(Refers to book)  "In accepting an offer of marriage, do so with

RICHapparent hesitation.

RICH" (Aloud)  I take you, but with a certain

RICHshow of reluctance.

RICH(Refers to book)  "Avoid any appearance of

RICHeagerness.

RICH"  (Aloud)  Though you will bear in mind that I am far

RICHfrom anxious to do so.

RICH(Refers to book)  "A little show of

RICHemotion will not be misplaced!"  (Aloud)  Pardon this tear!

Wipes her eye

RICHRose, you've made me the happiest blue-jacket in

RICHEngland!  I wouldn't change places with the Admiral of the Fleet,

RICHno matter who he's a-huggin' of at this present moment!  But,

RICHaxin' your pardon, miss (wiping his lips with his hand), might I

RICHbe permitted to salute the flag I'm a-goin' to sail under?

RICHROSE (referring to book).

RICH"An engaged young lady should not

RICHpermit too many familiarities.

RICH" (Aloud)  Once!  (Richard kisses

RICHher)

RICHDUET—RICHARD and ROSE.

RICHThe battle's roar is over,

RICHO my love!

Embrace thy tender lover,

RICHO my love!

RICHFrom tempests' welter,

RICHFrom war's alarms,

RICHO give me shelter

RICHWithin those arms!

RICHThy smile alluring,

RICHAll heart-ache curing,

RICHGives peace enduring,

RICHO my love!

ROSEIf heart both true and tender,

ROSEO my love!

ROSEA life-love can engender,

ROSEO my love!

A truce to sighing

ROSEAnd tears of brine,

ROSEFor joy undying

ROSEShall aye be mine,

BOTHAnd thou and I, love,

BOTHShall live and die, love,

Without a sigh, love—

BOTHMy own, my love!

Enter Robin, with Chorus of Bridesmaids

CHORUSIf well his suit has sped,

CHORUSOh, may they soon be wed!

CHORUSOh, tell us, tell us, pray,

CHORUSWhat doth the maiden say?

CHORUSIn singing are we justified,

CHORUSHall the Bridegroom—hail the Bride!

CHORUSLet the nuptial knot be tied:

CHORUSIn fair phrases

CHORUSHymn their praises,

CHORUSHail the Bridegroom—hall the Bride?

ROBWell—what news?  Have you spoken to her?

RICHAye, my lad, I have—so to speak—spoke her.

ROBAnd she refuses?

RICHWhy, no, I can't truly say she do.

ROBThen she accepts!  My darling!  (Embraces her)

BRIDESMAIDSHail the Bridegroom—hail the Bride! etc.

ROSE (aside, referring to her book).

BRIDESMAIDSNow, what should a

BRIDESMAIDSmaiden do when she is embraced by the wrong gentleman?

RICHBelay, my lad, belay.

RICHYou don't understand.

ROSEOh, sir, belay, I beseech you!

RICHYou see, it's like this:

RICHshe accepts—but it's me!

ROBYou!  (Richard embraces Rose)

BRIDESMAIDSHail the Bridegroom—hail the Bride!

BRIDESMAIDSWhen the nuptial knot is tied—

ROB(interrupting angrily).

ROBHold your tongues, will you!

ROBNow then, what does this mean?

RICHMy poor lad, my heart grieves for thee, but it's like

RICHthis:

RICHthe moment I see her, and just as I was a-goin' to mention

RICHyour name, my heart it up and it says, says it—"Dick, you've

RICHfell in love with her yourself," it says; "be honest and

RICHsailor-like—don't skulk under false colours—speak up," it says,

RICH"take her, you dog, and with her my blessin'!"

BRIDESMAIDSHail the Bridegroom—hail the bride—

ROBWill you be quiet!  Go away!  (Chorus makes faces at

ROBhim and exeunt)  Vulgar girls!

RICHWhat could I do?  I'm bound to obey my heart's

RICHdictates.

ROBOf course—no doubt.

ROBIt's quite right—I don't

ROBmind—that is, not particularly—only it's—it is disappointing,

ROByou know.

ROBROSE (to Robin).

ROBOh, but, sir, I knew not that thou didst

ROBseek me in wedlock, or in very truth I should not have hearkened

ROBunto this man, for behold, he is but a lowly mariner, and very

ROBpoor withal, whereas thou art a tiller of the land, and thou hast

ROBfat oxen, and many sheep and swine, a considerable dairy farm and

ROBmuch corn and oil!

RICHThat's true, my lass, but it's done now, ain't it,

RICHRob?

ROSEStill it may be that I should not be happy in thy

ROSElove.

ROSEI am passing young and little able to judge.

ROSEMoreover, as

ROSEto thy character I know naught!

ROBNay, Rose, I'll answer for that.

ROBDick has won thy

ROBlove fairly.

Broken-hearted as I am, I'll stand up for Dick

ROBthrough thick and thin!

RICH(with emotion).

RICHThankye, messmate! that's well said.

RICHThat's spoken honest.

RICHThankye, Rob!  (Grasps his hand)

ROSEYet methinks I have heard that sailors are but

ROSEworldly men, and little prone to lead serious and thoughtful

ROSElives!

ROBAnd what then?  Admit that Dick is not a steady

ROBcharacter, and that when he's excited he uses language that would

ROBmake your hair curl.

ROBGrant that—he does.

ROBIt's the truth, and

ROBI'm not going to deny it.

But look at his good qualities.

ROBHe's

ROBas nimble as a pony, and his hornpipe is the talk of the fleet!

RICHThankye, Rob!  That's well spoken.

RICHThankye, Rob!

ROSEBut it may be that he drinketh strong waters which do

ROSEbemuse a man, and make him even as the wild beasts of the desert!

ROBWell, suppose he does, and I don't say he don't, for

ROBrum's his bane, and ever has been.

ROBHe does drink—I won't deny

ROBit.

ROBBut what of that?  Look at his arms—tattooed to the

ROBshoulder!  (Rich.

ROBrolls up his sleeves)  No, no—I won't hear a

ROBword against Dick!

ROSEBut they say that mariners are but rarely true to

ROSEthose whom they profess to love!

ROBGranted—granted—and I don't say that Dick isn't as

ROBbad as any of 'em.

ROB(Rich.

ROBchuckles)  You are, you know you are,

ROByou dog! a devil of a fellow—a regular out-and-out Lothario!

ROBBut what then?  You can't have everything, and a better hand at

ROBturning-in a dead-eye don't walk a deck!  And what an

ROBaccomplishment that is in a family man!  No, no—not a word

ROBagainst Dick.

ROBI'll stick up for him through thick and thin!

RICHThankye, Rob, thankye.

RICHYou're a true friend.

RICHI've

RICHacted accordin' to my heart's dictates, and such orders as them

RICHno man should disobey.

RICHENSEMBLE—RICHARD, ROBIN, and ROSE.

RICHIn sailing o'er life's ocean wide

RICHYour heart should be your only guide;

RICHWith summer sea and favouring wind,

RICHYourself in port you'll surely find.

RICHMy heart says, "To this maiden strike—

RICHShe's captured you.

She's just the sort of girl you like—

RICHYou know you do.

RICHIf other man her heart should gain,

RICHI shall resign.

RICH"

RICHThat's what it says to me quite plain,

RICHThis heart of mine.

ROBINMy heart says, "You've a prosperous lot,

ROBINWith acres wide;

ROBINYou mean to settle all you've got

ROBINUpon your bride.

ROBIN"

ROBINIt don't pretend to shape my acts

ROBINBy word or sign;

ROBINIt merely states these simple facts,

ROBINThis heart of mine!

ROSETen minutes since my heart said "white"—

ROSEIt now says "black".

ROSEIt then said "left"—it now says "right"—

ROSEHearts often tack.

ROSEI must obey its latest strain—

ROSEYou tell me so.

To Richard

ROSEBut should it change its mind again,

ROSEI'll let you know.

Turning from Richard to Robin, who embraces her

ENSEMBLEIn sailing o'er life's ocean wide

ENSEMBLENo doubt the heart should be your guide;

ENSEMBLEBut it is awkward when you find

ENSEMBLEA heart that does not know its mind!

(Exeunt Robin with Rose L.

, and Richard, weeping, R)

(Enter Mad Margaret.

ENSEMBLEShe is wildly dressed in picturesque tatters,

ENSEMBLEand is an obvious caricature of theatrical madness)

SYSTEMSCENA—MARGARET.

ENSEMBLECheerily carols the lark

ENSEMBLEOver the cot.

ENSEMBLEMerrily whistles the clerk

ENSEMBLEScratching a blot.

ENSEMBLEBut the lark

ENSEMBLEAnd the clerk,

ENSEMBLEI remark,

ENSEMBLEComfort me not!

ENSEMBLEOver the ripening peach

ENSEMBLEBuzzes the bee.

ENSEMBLESplash on the billowy beach

ENSEMBLETumbles the sea.

ENSEMBLEBut the peach

ENSEMBLEAnd the beach

ENSEMBLEThey are each

ENSEMBLENothing to me!

ENSEMBLEAnd why?

ENSEMBLEWho am I?

ENSEMBLEDaft Madge!  Crazy Meg!

ENSEMBLEMad Margaret!  Poor Peg!

ENSEMBLEHe! he! he! he! (chuckling).

ENSEMBLEMad, I?

ENSEMBLEYes, very!

ENSEMBLEBut why?

ENSEMBLEMystery!

ENSEMBLEDon't call!

ENSEMBLEWhisht! whisht!

ENSEMBLENo crime—

ENSEMBLE'Tis only

ENSEMBLEThat I'm

ENSEMBLELove-lonely!

ENSEMBLEThat's all!

MARTo a garden full of posies

MARCometh one to gather flowers,

MARAnd he wanders through its bowers

MARToying with the wanton roses,

MARWho, uprising from their beds,

MARHold on high their shameless heads

MARWith their pretty lips a-pouting,

MARNever doubting—never doubting

MARThat for Cytherean posies

MARHe would gather aught but roses!

MARIn a nest of weeds and nettles

MARLay a violet, half-hidden,

MARHoping that his glance unbidden

Yet might fall upon her petals.

MARThough she lived alone, apart,

MARHope lay nestling at her heart,

MARBut, alas, the cruel awaking

MARSet her little heart a-breaking,

MARFor he gathered for his posies

MAROnly roses—only roses!

Bursts into tears

Enter Rose

ROSEA maiden, and in tears?  Can I do aught to soften thy

ROSEsorrow?  This apple—(offering apple).

Examines it and rejects it)  No!  (Mysteriously

MARTell me, are you mad?

ROSEI?  No!  That is, I think not.

MARThat's well!  Then you don't love Sir Despard

MARMurgatroyd?  All mad girls love him.

MARI love him.

MARI'm poor Mad

MARMargaret—Crazy Meg—Poor Peg!  He! he! he! he! (chuckling).

ROSEThou lovest the bad Baronet of Ruddigore?  Oh,

ROSEhorrible—too horrible!

MARYou pity me?  Then be my mother!  The squirrel had a

MARmother, but she drank and the squirrel fled!  Hush!  They sing a

MARbrave song in our parts—it runs somewhat thus:

Sings

MAR"The cat and the dog and the little puppee

MARSat down in a—down in a—in a——

MARI forget what they sat down in, but so the song goes!

MARListen—I've come to pinch her!

ROSEMercy, whom?

MARYou mean "who".

ROSENay! it is the accusative after the verb.

MARTrue.

(Whispers melodramatically)  I have come to

MARpinch Rose Maybud!

ROSE(Aside, alarmed)  Rose Maybud!

MARAye!  I love him—he loved me once.

MARBut that's all

MARgone, fisht!  He gave me an Italian glance—thus (business)—and

MARmade me his.

He will give her an Italian glance, and make her

MARhis.

MARBut it shall not be, for I'll stamp on her—stamp on her-

MAR-stamp on her!  Did you ever kill anybody?  No?  Why not?

MARListen—I killed a fly this morning!  It buzzed, and I wouldn't

MARhave it.

MARSo it died—pop!  So shall she!

ROSEBut, behold, I am Rose Maybud, and I would fain not

ROSEdie "pop.

ROSE"

MARYou are Rose Maybud?

ROSEYes, sweet Rose Maybud!

MARStrange!  They told me she was beautiful!  And he

MARloves you!  No, no!  If I thought that, I would treat you as the

MARauctioneer and land-agent treated the lady-bird—I would rend you

MARasunder!

ROSENay, be pacified, for behold I am pledged to another,

ROSEand Lo, we are to be wedded this very day!

MARSwear me that!  Come to a Commissioner and let me have

MARit on affidavit!  I once made an affidavit—but it died—it died-

MAR-it died!  But see, they come—Sir Despard and his evil crew!

MARHide, hide—they are all mad—quite mad!

ROSEWhat makes you think that?

MARHush!  They sing choruses in public.

MARThat's mad

MARenough, I think.

MARGo—hide away, or they will seize you!  Hush!

MARQuite softly—quite, quite softly!

Exeunt together, on tiptoe

(Enter Chorus of Bucks and Blades, heralded by Chorus of

MARBridesmaids)

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSWelcome, gentry,

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSFor your entry

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSSets our tender hearts a-beating.

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSMen of station,

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSAdmiration

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSPrompts this unaffected greeting.

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSHearty greeting offer we!

CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADESWhen thoroughly tired

CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADESOf being admired,

CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADESBy ladies of gentle degree—degree,

CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADESWith flattery sated,

CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADESHigh-flown and inflated,

CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADESAway from the city we flee—we flee!

CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADESFrom charms intramural

CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADESTo prettiness rural

CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADESThe sudden transition

CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADESIs simply Elysian,

CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADESSo come, Amaryllis,

CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADESCome, Chloe and Phyllis,

CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADESYour slaves, for the moment, are we!

ALLFrom charms intramural, etc.

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSThe sons of the tillage

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSWho dwell in this village

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSAre people of lowly degree—degree.

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSThough honest and active,

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSThey're most unattractive,

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSAnd awkward as awkward can be—can be.

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSThey're clumsy clodhoppers

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSWith axes and choppers,

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSAnd shepherds and ploughmen

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSAnd drovers and cowmen,

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSAnd hedgers and reapers

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSAnd carters and keepers,

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSBut never a lover for me!

DESSo welcome gentry, etc.

DESWhen thoroughly tired, etc.

Enter Sir Despard Murgatroyd

SIR DOh, why am I moody and sad?

CHCan't guess!

SIR DAnd why am I guiltily mad?

CHConfess!

SIR DBecause I am thoroughly bad!

CHOh yes—

SIR DYou'll see it at once in my face.

SIR DOh, why am I husky and hoarse?

CHAh, why?

SIR DIt's the workings of conscience, of course.

CHFie, fie!

SIR DAnd huskiness stands for remorse,

CHOh my!

SIR DAt least it does so in my case!

SIR DWhen in crime one is fully employed—

CHLike you—

SIR DYour expression gets warped and destroyed:

CHIt do.

SIR DIt's a penalty none can avoid;

CHHow true!

SIR DI once was a nice-looking youth;

SIR DBut like stone from a strong catapult—

CH(explaining to each other).

CHA trice—

SIR DI rushed at my terrible cult—

CH(explaining to each other).

CHThat's vice—

SIR DObserve the unpleasant result!

CHNot nice.

SIR DIndeed I am telling the truth!

SIR DOh, innocent, happy though poor!

CHThat's we—

SIR DIf I had been virtuous, I'm sure—

CHLike me—

SIR DI should be as nice-looking as you're!

CHMay be.

SIR DYou are very nice-looking indeed!

SIR DOh, innocents, listen in time—

CHWe doe,

SIR DAvoid an existence of crime—

CHJust so—

SIR DOr you'll be as ugly as I'm—

CH(loudly).

CHNo! No!

SIR DAnd now, if you please, we'll proceed.

SIR D(All the girls express their horror of Sir Despard.

SIR DAs he

approaches them they fly from him, terror-stricken, leaving

SIR Dhim alone on the stage)

SIR DPoor children, how they loathe me—me whose hands

SIR Dare certainly steeped in infamy, but whose heart is as the heart

SIR Dof a little child!  But what is a poor baronet to do, when a

SIR Dwhole picture gallery of ancestors step down from their frames

SIR Dand threaten him with an excruciating death if he hesitate to

SIR Dcommit his daily crime?  But ha! ha!  I am even with them!

SIR D(Mysteriously)  I get my crime over the first thing in the

SIR Dmorning, and then, ha! ha! for the rest of the day I do good—I

SIR Ddo good—I do good!  (Melodramatically)  Two days since, I stole

SIR Da child and built an orphan asylum.

SIR DYesterday I robbed a bank

SIR Dand endowed a bishopric.

SIR DTo-day I carry off Rose Maybud and

SIR Datone with a cathedral!  This is what it is to be the sport and

SIR Dtoy of a Picture Gallery!  But I will be bitterly revenged upon

SIR Dthem!  I will give them all to the Nation, and nobody shall ever

SIR Dlook upon their faces again!

Enter Richard

RICHAx your honour's pardon, but—

SIR DHa! observed!  And by a mariner!  What would you

SIR Dwith me, fellow?

RICHYour honour, I'm a poor man-o'-war's-man, becalmed in

RICHthe doldrums—

SIR DI don't know them.

RICHAnd I make bold to ax your honour's advice.

RICHDoes

RICHyour honour know what it is to have a heart?

SIR DMy honour knows what it is to have a complete

SIR Dapparatus for conducting the circulation of the blood through the

SIR Dveins and arteries of the human body.

RICHAye, but has your honour a heart that ups and looks

RICHyou in the face, and gives you quarter-deck orders that it's life

RICHand death to disobey?

SIR DI have not a heart of that description, but I have a

SIR DPicture Gallery that presumes to take that liberty.

RICHWell, your honour, it's like this—Your honour had an

RICHelder brother—

SIR DIt had.

RICHWho should have inherited your title and, with it,

RICHits cuss.

SIR DAye, but he died.

SIR DOh, Ruthven!—

RICHHe didn't.

SIR DHe did not?

RICHHe didn't.

RICHOn the contrary, he lives in this here

RICHvery village, under the name of Robin Oakapple, and he's a-going

RICHto marry Rose Maybud this very day.

SIR DRuthven alive, and going to marry Rose Maybud!  Can

SIR Dthis be possible?

RICHNow the question I was going to ask your honour is-

RICH-Ought I to tell your honour this?

SIR DI don't know.

It's a delicate point.

SIR DI think you

SIR Dought.

SIR DMind, I'm not sure, but I think so.

RICHThat's what my heart says.

RICHIt says, "Dick," it says

RICH(it calls me Dick acos it's entitled to take that liberty), "that

RICHthere young gal would recoil from him if she knowed what he

RICHreally were.

RICHOught you to stand off and on, and let this young

RICHgal take this false step and never fire a shot across her bows to

RICHbring her to?  No," it says, "you did not ought.

RICH" And I won't

RICHought, accordin'.

SIR DThen you really feel yourself at liberty to tell me

SIR Dthat my elder brother lives—that I may charge him with his cruel

SIR Ddeceit, and transfer to his shoulders the hideous thraldom under

SIR Dwhich I have laboured for so many years!  Free—free at last!

SIR DFree to live a blameless life, and to die beloved and regretted

SIR Dby all who knew me!

SIR DDUET—SIR DESPARD and RICHARD.

RICHYou understand?

SIR DI think I do;

SIR DWith vigour unshaken

SIR DThis step shall be taken.

SIR DIt's neatly planned.

RICHI think so too;

RICHI'll readily bet it

RICHYou'll never regret it!

BOTHFor duty, duty must be done;

BOTHThe rule applies to every one,

BOTHAnd painful though that duty be,

BOTHTo shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee!

SIR DThe bridegroom comes—

RICHLikewise the bride—

RICHThe maidens are very

RICHElated and merry;

RICHThey are her chums.

SIR DTo lash their pride

SIR DWere almost a pity,

SIR DThe pretty committee!

BOTHBut duty, duty must be done;

BOTHThe rule applies to every one,

BOTHAnd painful though that duty be,

BOTHTo shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee!

Exeunt Richard and Sir Despard

Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids and Bucks

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSHail the bride of seventeen summers:

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSIn fair phrases

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSHymn her praises;

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSLift your song on high, all comers.

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSShe rejoices

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSIn your voices.

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSSmiling summer beams upon her,

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSShedding every blessing on her:

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSMaidens greet her—

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSKindly treat her—

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSYou may all be brides some day!

CHORUS OF BUCKSHail the bridegroom who advances,

CHORUS OF BUCKSAgitated,

CHORUS OF BUCKSYet elated.

CHORUS OF BUCKSHe's in easy circumstances,

CHORUS OF BUCKSYoung and lusty,

CHORUS OF BUCKSTrue and trusty.

ALLSmiling summer beams upon her, etc.

(Enter Robin, attended by Richard and Old Adam, meeting Rose,

ALLattended by Zorah and Dame Hannah.

Rose and Robin embrace)

MADRIGALROSE, DAME HANNAH, RICHARD, OLD ADAM with CHORUS.

ROSEWhen the buds are blossoming,

ROSESmiling welcome to the spring,

ROSELovers choose a wedding day—

ROSELife is love in merry May!

GIRLSSpring is green—Fal lal la!

GIRLSSummer's rose—Fal la la!

QUARTETIt is sad when summer goes,

QUARTETFa la!

MENAutumn's gold—Fah lal la!

MENWinter's grey—Fah lal la!

QUARTETWinter still is far away—

QUARTETFa la!

Leaves in autumn fade and fall,

CHORUSWinter is the end of all.

CHORUSSpring and summer teem with glee:

CHORUSSpring and summer, then, for me!

CHORUSFa la!

HANNAHIn the spring-time seed is sown:

HANNAHIn the summer grass is mown:

HANNAHIn the autumn you may reap:

HANNAHWinter is the time for sleep.

GIRLSSpring is hope—Fal lal la!

GIRLSSummer's joy—Fal lal la!

QUARTETSpring and summer never cloy.

QUARTETFa la!

MENAutumn, toil—Fal lal la!

MENWinter, rest—Fal lal la!

QUARTETWinter, after all, is best—

QUARTETFal la!

CHORUSSpring and summer pleasure you,

CHORUSAutumn, aye, and winter too—

CHORUSEvery season has its cheer,

CHORUSLife is lovely all the year!

CHORUSFa la!

Gavotte

After Gavotte, enter Sir Despard

SIR DHold, bride and bridegroom, ere you wed each other,

SIR DI claim young Robin as my elder brother!

SIR DHis rightful title I have long enjoyed:

SIR DI claim him as Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd!

CHORUSO wonder!

CHORUSROSE (wildly).

CHORUSDeny the falsehood, Robin, as you should,

CHORUSIt is a plot!

ROBI would, if conscientiously I could,

ROBBut I cannot!

CHORUSAh, base one!  Ah, base one!

ROBINAs pure and blameless peasant,

ROBINI cannot, I regret,

ROBINDeny a truth unpleasant,

ROBINI am that Baronet!

CHORUSHe is that Baronet!

ROBINBut when completely rated

ROBINBad Baronet am I,

ROBINThat I am what he's stated

ROBINI'll recklessly deny!

CHORUSHe'll recklessly deny!

ROBWhen I'm a bad Bart.

ROBI will tell taradiddles!

CHORUSHe'll tell taradiddles when he's a bad Bart.

ROBI'll play a bad part on the falsest of fiddles.

CHORUSOn very false fiddles he'll play a bad part!

ROBBut until that takes place I must be conscientious—

CHORUSHe'll be conscientious until that takes place.

ROBThen adieu with good grace to my morals sententious!

CHORUSTo morals sententious adieu with good grace!

ZORAHWho is the wretch who hath betrayed thee?

ZORAHLet him stand forth!

RICH(coming forward).

RICH'Twas I!

ALLDie, traitor!

RICHHold! my conscience made me!

RICHWithhold your wrath!

RICHWithin this breast there beats a heart

RICHWhose voice can't be gainsaid.

RICHIt bade me thy true rank impart,

RICHAnd I at once obeyed.

RICHI knew 'twould blight thy budding fate—

RICHI knew 'twould cause thee anguish great—

RICHBut did I therefore hesitate?

RICHNo! I at once obeyed!

ALLAcclaim him who, when his true heart

ALLBade him young Robin's rank impart,

ALLImmediately obeyed!

ALLSOLO—ROSE (addressing Robin).

ALLFarewell!

ALLThou hadst my heart—

ALL'Twas quickly won!

ALLBut now we part—

ALLThy face I shun!

ALLFarewell!

ALLGo bend the knee

ALLAt Vice's shrine,

ALLOf life with me

ALLAll hope resign.

ALLFarewell!  Farewell!  Farewell!

ALL(To Sir Despard)   Take me—I am thy bride!

BRIDESMAIDSHail the Bridegroom—hail the Bride!

BRIDESMAIDSWhen the nuptial knot is tied;

BRIDESMAIDSEvery day will bring some joy

BRIDESMAIDSThat can never, never cloy!

Enter Margaret, who listens

SIR DExcuse me, I'm a virtuous person now—

ROSEThat's why I wed you!

SIR DAnd I to Margaret must keep my vow!

MARHave I misread you?

MAROh, joy! with newly kindled rapture warmed,

MARI kneel before you! (Kneels)

SIR DI once disliked you; now that I've reformed,

SIR DHow I adore you!  (They embrace)

BRIDESMAIDSHail the Bridegroom-hail the Bride!

BRIDESMAIDSWhen the nuptial knot is tied;

BRIDESMAIDSEvery day will bring some joy

BRIDESMAIDSThat can never, never cloy!

ROSERichard, of him I love bereft,

ROSEThrough thy design,

ROSEThou art the only one that's left,

ROSESo I am thine!  (They embrace)

BRIDESMAIDSHail the Bridegroom—hail the Bride!

BRIDESMAIDSLet the nuptial knot be tied!

BRIDESMAIDSDUET—ROSE and RICHARD.

BRIDESMAIDSOh, happy the lily

BRIDESMAIDSWhen kissed by the bee;

BRIDESMAIDSAnd, sipping tranquilly,

BRIDESMAIDSQuite happy is he;

BRIDESMAIDSAnd happy the filly

BRIDESMAIDSThat neighs in her pride;

BRIDESMAIDSBut happier than any,

BRIDESMAIDSA pound to a penny,

BRIDESMAIDSA lover is, when he

BRIDESMAIDSEmbraces his bride!

BRIDESMAIDSDUET—SIR DESPARD and MARGARET.

BRIDESMAIDSOh, happy the flowers

BRIDESMAIDSThat blossom in June,

BRIDESMAIDSAnd happy the bowers

BRIDESMAIDSThat gain by the boon,

BRIDESMAIDSBut happier by hours

BRIDESMAIDSThe man of descent,

BRIDESMAIDSWho, folly regretting,

BRIDESMAIDSIs bent on forgetting

BRIDESMAIDSHis bad baronetting,

BRIDESMAIDSAnd means to repent!

BRIDESMAIDSTRIO—HANNAH, ADAM, and ZORAH.

BRIDESMAIDSOh, happy the blossom

BRIDESMAIDSThat blooms on the lea,

BRIDESMAIDSLikewise the opossum

BRIDESMAIDSThat sits on a tree,

BRIDESMAIDSBut when you come across 'em,

BRIDESMAIDSThey cannot compare

BRIDESMAIDSWith those who are treading

BRIDESMAIDSThe dance at a wedding,

BRIDESMAIDSWhile people are spreading

BRIDESMAIDSThe best of good fare!

ROBINOh, wretched the debtor

ROBINWho's signing a deed!

ROBINAnd wretched the letter

ROBINThat no one can read!

ROBINBut very much better

ROBINTheir lot it must be

ROBINThan that of the person

ROBINI'm making this verse on,

ROBINWhose head there's a curse on—

ROBINAlluding to me!

ROBINRepeat ensemble with Chorus.

Dance

(At the end of the dance Robin falls senseless on the stage.

ROBINPicture)

SYSTEMACT II

SYSTEMScene.

END OF ACT I—Picture Gallery in Ruddigore Castle.

END OF ACT IThe walls are

END OF ACT Icovered with full-length portraits of the Baronets of

END OF ACT IRuddigore from the time of James I.

END OF ACT I—the first being that of

END OF ACT ISir Rupert, alluded to in the legend; the last, that of the

END OF ACT Ilast deceased Baronet, Sir Roderic.

Enter Robin and Adam melodramatically.

END OF ACT IThey are greatly altered

END OF ACT Iin appearance, Robin wearing the haggard aspect of a guilty

END OF ACT Iroue; Adam, that of the wicked steward to such a man.

END OF ACT IDUET—ROBIN and ADAM.

ROBI once was as meek as a new-born lamb,

ROBI'm now Sir Murgatroyd—ha! ha!

ROBWith greater precision

ROB(Without the elision),

ROBSir Ruthven Murgatroyd—ha! ha!

ADAMAnd I, who was once his valley-de-sham,

ADAMAs steward I'm now employed—ha! ha!

ADAMThe dickens may take him—

ADAMI'll never forsake him!

ADAMAs steward I'm now employed—ha! ha!

Omitted after opening night

ROBMy face is the index to my mind,

ROBAll venom and spleen and gall—ha! ha!

ROBOr, properly speaking,

ROBIt soon will be reeking,

ROBWith venom and spleen and gall—ha! ha!

ADAMMy name from Adam Goodheart you'll find

ADAMI've changed to Gideon Crawle—ha! ha!

ADAMFor bad Bart's steward

ADAMWhose heart is much too hard

ADAMIs always Gideon Crawle—ha! ha!

BOTHHow dreadful when an innocent heart

BOTHBecomes, perforce, a bad young Bart.

BOTHAnd still more hard on old Adam,

BOTHHis former faithful valley-de-sham!

ROBThis is a painful state of things, old Adam!

ADAMPainful, indeed!  Ah, my poor master, when I swore

ADAMthat, come what would, I would serve you in all things for ever,

ADAMI little thought to what a pass it would bring me!  The

ADAMconfidential adviser to the greatest villain unhung!  Now, sir,

ADAMto business.

ADAMWhat crime do you propose to commit to-day?

ROBHow should I know?  As my confidential adviser, it's

ROByour duty to suggest something.

ADAMSir, I loathe the life you are leading, but a good

ADAMold man's oath is paramount, and I obey.

ADAMRichard Dauntless is

ADAMhere with pretty Rose Maybud, to ask your consent to their

ADAMmarriage.

ADAMPoison their beer.

ROBNo—not that—I know I'm a bad Bart.

ROB, but I'm not as

ROBbad a Bart.

ROBas all that.

ADAMWell, there you are, you see!  It's no use my making

ADAMsuggestions if you don't adopt them.

ROB(melodramatically).

ROBHow would it be, do you think,

ROBwere I to lure him here with cunning wile—bind him with good

ROBstout rope to yonder post—and then, by making hideous faces at

ROBhim, curdle the heart-blood in his arteries, and freeze the very

ROBmarrow in his bones?  How say you, Adam, is not the scheme well

ROBplanned?

ADAMIt would be simply rude—nothing more.

ADAMBut

ADAMsoft—they come!

(Adam and Robin retire up as Richard and Rose enter, preceded by

ADAMChorus of Bridesmaids)

ADAMDUET—RICHARD and ROSE.

RICHHappily coupled are we,

RICHYou see—

RICHI am a jolly Jack Tar,

RICHMy star,

RICHAnd you are the fairest,

RICHThe richest and rarest

RICHOf innocent lasses you are,

RICHBy far—

RICHOf innocent lasses you are!

RICHFanned by a favouring gale,

RICHYou'll sail

RICHOver life's treacherous sea

RICHWith me,

RICHAnd as for bad weather,

RICHWe'll brave it together,

RICHAnd you shall creep under my lee,

RICHMy wee!

RICHAnd you shall creep under my lee!

RICHFor you are such a smart little craft—

RICHSuch a neat little, sweet little craft,

RICHSuch a bright little, tight little,

RICHSlight little, light little,

RICHTrim little, prim little craft!

CHORUSFor she is such, etc.

ROSEMy hopes will be blighted, I fear,

ROSEMy dear;

ROSEIn a month you'll be going to sea,

ROSEQuite free,

ROSEAnd all of my wishes

You'll throw to the fishes

ROSEAs though they were never to be;

ROSEPoor me!

ROSEAs though they were never to be.

ROSEAnd I shall be left all alone

ROSETo moan,

And weep at your cruel deceit,

ROSEComplete;

ROSEWhile you'll be asserting

ROSEYour freedom by flirting

ROSEWith every woman you meet,

ROSEYou cheat—Ah!

ROSEWith every woman you meet! Ah!

ROSEThough I am such a smart little craft—

ROSESuch a neat little, sweet little craft,

ROSESuch a bright little, tight little,

ROSESlight little, light little,

ROSETrim little, prim little craft!

CHORUSThough she is such, etc.

Enter Robin

ROBSoho! pretty one—in my power at last, eh?  Know ye

ROBnot that I have those within my call who, at my lightest bidding,

ROBwould immure ye in an uncomfortable dungeon?  (Calling)  What

ROBho! within there!

RICHHold—we are prepared for this (producing a Union

RICHJack).

Here is a flag that none dare defy (all kneel), and while

RICHthis glorious rag floats over Rose Maybud's head, the man does

RICHnot live who would dare to lay unlicensed hand upon her!

ROBFoiled—and by a Union Jack!  But a time will come,

ROBand then—-

ROSENay, let me plead with him.

ROSE(To Robin)  Sir Ruthven,

ROSEhave pity.

ROSEIn my book of etiquette the case of a maiden about to

be wedded to one who unexpectedly turns out to be a baronet with

ROSEa curse on him is not considered.

ROSETime was when you loved me

ROSEmadly.

ROSEProve that this was no selfish love by according your

ROSEconsent to my marriage with one who, if he be not you yourself,

ROSEis the next best thing—your dearest friend!

ALLIn bygone days I had thy love—

ALLThou hadst my heart.

ALLBut Fate, all human vows above,

ALLOur lives did part!

ALLBy the old love thou hadst for me—

ALLBy the fond heart that beat for thee—

ALLBy joys that never now can be,

ALLGrant thou my prayer!

ALL (kneeling).

ALLGrant thou her prayer!

ROB(recitative).

ROBTake her—I yield!

ALL(recitative).

ALLOh, rapture!  (All rising)

CHORUSAway to the parson we go—

CHORUSSay we're solicitous very

That he will turn two into one—

CHORUSSinging hey, derry down derry!

RICHFor she is such a smart little craft-

ROSESuch a neat little, sweet little craft—

RICHSuch a bright little-

ROSETight little-

RICHSlight little-

ROSELight little-

BOTHTrim little, prim little craft!

CHORUSFor she is such a smart little craft, etc.

Exeunt all but Robin

ROBFor a week I have fulfilled my accursed doom!  I have

ROBduly committed a crime a day!  Not a great crime, I trust, but

ROBstill, in the eyes of one as strictly regulated as I used to be,

ROBa crime.

ROBBut will my ghostly ancestors be satisfied with what I

ROBhave done, or will they regard it as an unworthy subterfuge?

ROB(Addressing Pictures)  Oh, my forefathers, wallowers in blood,

ROBthere came at last a day when, sick of crime, you, each and

ROBevery, vowed to sin no more, and so, in agony, called welcome

ROBDeath to free you from your cloying guiltiness.

ROBLet the sweet

ROBpsalm of that repentant hour soften your long-dead hearts, and

ROBtune your souls to mercy on your poor posterity!  (Kneeling).

ROB(The stage darkens for a moment.

ROBIt becomes light again, and the

ROBPictures are seen to have become animated)

CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITSPainted emblems of a race,

CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITSAll accurst in days of yore,

CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITSEach from his accustomed place

CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITSSteps into the world once more.

The Pictures step from their frames and march round the stage

CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITSBaronet of Ruddigore,

CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITSLast of our accursed line,

CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITSDown upon the oaken floor—

CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITSDown upon those knees of thine.

CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITSCoward, poltroon, shaker, squeamer,

CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITSBlockhead, sluggard, dullard, dreamer,

CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITSShirker, shuffler, crawler, creeper,

CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITSSniffler, snuffler, wailer, weeper,

CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITSEarthworm, maggot, tadpole, weevil!

CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITSSet upon thy course of evil,

CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITSLest the King of Spectre-land

CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITSSet on thee his grisly hand!

The Spectre of Sir Roderic descends from his frame

SIR RODBeware! beware! beware!

ROBGaunt vision, who art thou

ROBThat thus, with icy glare

ROBAnd stern relentless brow,

ROBAppearest, who knows how?

SIR RODI am the spectre of the late

SIR RODSir Roderic Murgatroyd,

SIR RODWho comes to warn thee that thy fate

SIR RODThou canst not now avoid.

ROBAlas, poor ghost!

SIR RODThe pity you

SIR RODExpress for nothing goes:

SIR RODWe spectres are a jollier crew

SIR RODThan you, perhaps, suppose!

CHORUSWe spectres are a jollier crew

CHORUSThan you, perhaps, suppose!

SIR RODWhen the night wind howls in the chimney cowls, and the bat in

SIR RODthe moonlight flies,

SIR RODAnd inky clouds, like funeral shrouds, sail over the midnight

SIR RODskies—

SIR RODWhen the footpads quail at the night-bird's wail, and black dogs

SIR RODbay at the moon,

SIR RODThen is the spectres' holiday—then is the ghosts' high-noon!

CHORUSHa! ha!

CHORUSThen is the ghosts' high-noon!

CHORUSAs the sob of the breeze sweeps over the trees, and the mists lie

CHORUSlow on the fen,

CHORUSFrom grey tomb-stones are gathered the bones that once were women

CHORUSand men,

CHORUSAnd away they go, with a mop and a mow, to the revel that ends

CHORUStoo soon,

CHORUSFor cockcrow limits our holiday—the dead of the night's

CHORUShigh-noon!

CHORUSHa! ha!

CHORUSThe dead of the night's high-noon!

CHORUSAnd then each ghost with his ladye-toast to their churchyard beds

CHORUStakes flight,

CHORUSWith a kiss, perhaps, on her lantern chaps, and a grisly grim

CHORUS"good-night";

CHORUSTill the welcome knell of the midnight bell rings forth its

CHORUSjolliest tune,

CHORUSAnd ushers in our next high holiday—the dead of the night's

CHORUShigh-noon!

CHORUSHa! ha!

CHORUSThe dead of the night's high-noon!

CHORUSHa! ha! ha! ha!

ROBI recognize you now—you are the picture that hangs at

ROBthe end of the gallery.

SIR RODIn a bad light.

SIR RODI am.

ROBAre you considered a good likeness?

SIR RODPretty well.

SIR RODFlattering.

ROBBecause as a work of art you are poor.

SIR RODI am crude in colour, but I have only been painted

SIR RODten years.

SIR RODIn a couple of centuries I shall be an Old Master,

SIR RODand then you will be sorry you spoke lightly of me.

ROBAnd may I ask why you have left your frames?

SIR RODIt is our duty to see that our successors commit

SIR RODtheir daily crimes in a conscientious and workmanlike fashion.

SIR RODIt is our duty to remind you that you are evading the conditions

SIR RODunder which you are permitted to exist.

ROBReally, I don't know what you'd have.

ROBI've only been

ROBa bad baronet a week, and I've committed a crime punctually every

ROBday.

SIR RODLet us inquire into this.

SIR RODMonday?

ROBMonday was a Bank Holiday.

SIR RODTrue.

SIR RODTuesday?

ROBOn Tuesday I made a false income-tax return.

ALLHa! ha!

1ST GHOSTThat's nothing.

2ND GHOSTNothing at all.

3RD GHOSTEverybody does that.

4TH GHOSTIt's expected of you.

SIR RODWednesday?

ROB(melodramatically).

ROBOn Wednesday I forged a will.

SIR RODWhose will?

ROBMy own.

SIR RODMy good sir, you can't forge your own will!

ROBCan't I, though! I like that!  I did!  Besides, if a

ROBman can't forge his own will, whose will can he forge?

1ST GHOSTThere's something in that.

2ND GHOSTYes, it seems reasonable.

3RD GHOSTAt first sight it does.

4TH GHOSTFallacy somewhere, I fancy!

ROBA man can do what he likes with his own!

SIR RODI suppose he can.

ROBWell, then, he can forge his own will, stoopid!  On

ROBThursday I shot a fox.

1ST GHOSTHear, hear!

SIR RODThat's better (addressing Ghosts).

SIR RODPass the fox,

SIR RODI think?  (They assent)  Yes, pass the fox.

SIR RODFriday?

ROBOn Friday I forged a cheque.

SIR RODWhose cheque?

ROBOld Adam's.

SIR RODBut Old Adam hasn't a banker.

ROBI didn't say I forged his banker—I said I forged his

ROBcheque.

ROBOn Saturday I disinherited my only son.

SIR RODBut you haven't got a son.

ROBNo—not yet.

ROBI disinherited him in advance, to save

ROBtime.

ROBYou see—by this arrangement—he'll be born ready

ROBdisinherited.

SIR RODI see.

SIR RODBut I don't think you can do that.

ROBMy good sir, if I can't disinherit my own unborn son,

ROBwhose unborn son can I disinherit?

SIR RODHumph!  These arguments sound very well, but I

SIR RODcan't help thinking that, if they were reduced to syllogistic

SIR RODform, they wouldn't hold water.

SIR RODNow quite understand us.

SIR RODWe are

SIR RODfoggy, but we don't permit our fogginess to be presumed upon.

SIR RODUnless you undertake to—well, suppose we say, carry off a lady?

SIR ROD(Addressing Ghosts)  Those who are in favour of his carrying off

SIR RODa lady?  (All hold up their hands except a Bishop)  Those of the

SIR RODcontrary opinion?  (Bishop holds up his hands)  Oh, you're never

SIR RODsatisfied!  Yes, unless you undertake to carry off a lady at

SIR RODonce—I don't care what lady—any lady—choose your lady—you

SIR RODperish in inconceivable agonies.

ROBCarry off a lady?  Certainly not, on any account.

ROBI've the greatest respect for ladies, and I wouldn't do anything

ROBof the kind for worlds!  No, no.

ROBI'm not that kind of baronet, I

ROBassure you!  If that's all you've got to say, you'd better go

ROBback to your frames.

SIR RODVery good—then let the agonies commence.

SIR ROD(Ghosts make passes.

SIR RODRobin begins to writhe in agony)

ROBOh! Oh!  Don't do that!  I can't stand it!

SIR RODPainful, isn't it?  It gets worse by degrees.

ROBOh—Oh!  Stop a bit!  Stop it, will you?  I want to

ROBspeak.

Sir Roderic makes signs to Ghosts, who resume their attitudes

SIR RODBetter?

ROBYes—better now!  Whew!

SIR RODWell, do you consent?

ROBBut it's such an ungentlemanly thing to do!

SIR RODAs you please.

SIR ROD(To Ghosts)  Carry on!

ROBStop—I can't stand it!  I agree!  I promise!  It

ROBshall be done!

SIR RODTo-day?

ROBTo-day!

SIR RODAt once?

ROBAt once!  I retract!  I apologize!  I had no idea it

ROBwas anything like that!

CHORUSHe yields!  He answers to our call!

CHORUSWe do not ask for more.

CHORUSA sturdy fellow, after all,

CHORUSThis latest Ruddigore!

CHORUSAll perish in unheard-of woe

CHORUSWho dare our wills defy;

CHORUSWe want your pardon, ere we go,

CHORUSFor having agonized you so—

CHORUSSo pardon us—

CHORUSOr die!

ROBI pardon you!

ALLHe pardons us-

ALLHurrah!

The Ghosts return to their frames

CHORUSPainted emblems of a race,

CHORUSAll accurst in days of yore,

CHORUSEach to his accustomed place

CHORUSSteps unwillingly once more!

CHORUS(By this time the Ghosts have changed to pictures again.

CHORUSRobin

CHORUSis overcome by emotion)

Enter Adam

ADAMMy poor master, you are not well—

ROBOld Adam, it won't do—I've seen 'em—all my

ROBancestors—they're just gone.

ROBThey say that I must do something

ROBdesperate at once, or perish in horrible agonies.

ROBGo—go to

ROByonder village—carry off a maiden—bring her here at once—any

ROBone—I don't care which—

ADAMBut—

ROBNot a word, but obey! Fly!

Exeunt Adam

RECITand SONG—ROBIN.

RECITAway, Remorse!

RECITCompunction, hence!.

RECITGo, Moral Force!

RECITGo, Penitence!

RECITTo Virtue's plea

RECITA long farewell—

RECITPropriety,

RECITI ring your knell!

RECITCome, guiltiness of deadliest hue!

RECITCome, desperate deeds of derring-do!

RECITHenceforth all the crimes that I find in the Times.

RECITI've promised to perpetrate daily;

RECITTo-morrow I start with a petrified heart,

RECITOn a regular course of Old Bailey.

RECITThere's confidence tricking, bad coin, pocket-picking,

RECITAnd several other disgraces—

RECITThere's postage-stamp prigging, and then thimble-rigging,

RECITThe three-card delusion at races!

RECITOh!  A baronet's rank is exceedingly nice,

RECITBut the title's uncommonly dear at the price!

RECITYe well-to-do squires, who live in the shires,

RECITWhere petty distinctions are vital,

RECITWho found Athenaeums and local museums,

RECITWith a view to a baronet's title—

RECITYe butchers and bakers and candlestick makers

RECITWho sneer at all things that are tradey—

RECITWhose middle-class lives are embarrassed by wives

RECITWho long to parade as "My Lady",

RECITOh! allow me to offer a word of advice,

RECITThe title's uncommonly dear at the price!

RECITYe supple M.

P's who go down on your knees,

PYour precious identity sinking,

PAnd vote black or white as your leaders indite

P(Which saves you the trouble of thinking),

PFor your country's good fame, her repute, or her shame,

PYou don't care the snuff of a candle—

PBut you're paid for your game when you're told that your name

PWill be graced by a baronet's handle—

POh!  Allow me to give you a word of advice—

PThe title's uncommonly dear at the price!

Exit Robin

(Enter Despard and Margaret.

PThey are both dressed in sober black

Pof formal cut, and present a strong contrast to their

Pappearance in Act I)

DESI once was a very abandoned person—

MARMaking the most of evil chances.

DESNobody could conceive a worse 'un—

MAREven in all the old romances.

DESI blush for my wild extravagances,

DESBut be so kind

DESTo bear in mind,

MARWe were the victims of circumstances!

Dance

MARThat is one of our blameless dances.

MARI was once an exceedingly odd young lady—

DESSuffering much from spleen and vapours.

MARClergymen thought my conduct shady—

DESShe didn't spend much upon linen-drapers.

MARIt certainly entertained the gapers.

MARMy ways were strange

MARBeyond all range—

DESParagraphs got into all the papers.

Dance

DESWe only cut respectable capers.

DESI've given up all my wild proceedings.

MARMy taste for a wandering life is waning.

DESNow I'm a dab at penny readings.

MARThey are not remarkably entertaining.

DESA moderate livelihood we're gaining.

MARIn fact we rule

MARA National School.

DESThe duties are dull, but I'm not complaining.

Dance

DESThis sort of thing takes a deal of training!

DESWe have been married a week.

MAROne happy, happy week!

DESOur new life—

MARIs delightful indeed!

DESSo calm!

MARSo unimpassioned!  (Wildly).

MARMaster, all this I owe

MARto you!  See, I am no longer wild and untidy.

MARMy hair is combed.

MARMy face is washed.

MARMy boots fit!

DESMargaret, don't.

DESPray restrain yourself.

DESRemember,

DESyou are now a district visitor.

MARA gentle district visitor!

DESYou are orderly, methodical, neat; you have your

DESemotions well under control.

MARI have!  (Wildly).

MARMaster, when I think of all you

have done for me, I fall at your feet.

I embrace your ankles.

Ihug your knees! (Doing so)

DESHush.

DESThis is not well.

DESThis is calculated to

DESprovoke remark.

DESBe composed, I beg!

MARAh! you are angry with poor little Mad Margaret!

DESNo, not angry; but a district visitor should learn to

DESeschew melodrama.

Visit the poor, by all means, and give them

DEStea and barley-water, but don't do it as if you were

DESadministering a bowl of deadly nightshade.

DESIt upsets them.

DESThen

DESwhen you nurse sick people, and find them not as well as could be

DESexpected, why go into hysterics?

MARWhy not?

DESBecause it's too jumpy for a sick-room.

MARHow strange!  Oh, Master! Master!—how shall I express

the all-absorbing gratitude that—(about to throw herself at his

MARfeet).

DESNow!  (Warningly).

MARYes, I know, dear—it shan't occur again.

MAR(He is

MARseated—she sits on the ground by him)  Shall I tell you one of

MARpoor Mad Margaret's odd thoughts?  Well, then, when I am lying

MARawake at night, and the pale moonlight streams through the

MARlatticed casement, strange fancies crowd upon my poor mad brain,

MARand I sometimes think that if we could hit upon some word for you

MARto use whenever I am about to relapse—some word that teems with

MARhidden meaning—like "Basingstoke"—it might recall me to my

MARsaner self.

MARFor, after all, I am only Mad Margaret!  Daft Meg!

MARPoor Meg!  He! he! he!

DESPoor child, she wanders!  But soft—some one

DEScomes—Margaret—pray recollect yourself—Basingstoke, I beg!

DESMargaret, if you don't Basingstoke at once, I shall be seriously

DESangry.

MAR(recovering herself).

MARBasingstoke it is!

DESThen make it so.

(Enter Robin.

DESHe starts on seeing them)

ROBDespard!  And his young wife!  This visit is

ROBunexpected.

MARShall I fly at him?  Shall I tear him limb from limb?

MARShall I rend him asunder?  Say but the word and—

DESBasingstoke!

MAR(suddenly demure).

MARBasingstoke it is!

(aside).

DESThen make it so.

DES(Aloud)  My brother—I

DEScall you brother still, despite your horrible profligacy—we have

DEScome to urge you to abandon the evil courses to which you have

DEScommitted yourself, and at any cost to become a pure and

DESblameless ratepayer.

ROBBut I've done no wrong yet.

MAR(wildly).

MARNo wrong!  He has done no wrong!  Did you

MARhear that!

DESBasingstoke!

MAR(recovering herself).

MARBasingstoke it is!

DESMy brother—I still call you brother, you observe—you

DESforget that you have been, in the eye of the law, a Bad Baronet

DESof Ruddigore for ten years—and you are therefore responsible—in

DESthe eye of the law—for all the misdeeds committed by the unhappy

DESgentleman who occupied your place.

ROBI see!  Bless my heart, I never thought of that!  Was

ROBI very bad?

DESAwful.

DESWasn't he?  (To Margaret).

ROBAnd I've been going on like this for how long?

DESTen years!  Think of all the atrocities you have

DEScommitted—by attorney as it were—during that period.

DESRemember

DEShow you trifled with this poor child's affections—how you raised

DESher hopes on high (don't cry, my love—Basingstoke, you know),

DESonly to trample them in the dust when they were at the very

DESzenith of their fullness.

DESOh fie, sir, fie—she trusted you!

ROBDid she?  What a scoundrel I must have been!  There,

ROBthere—don't cry, my dear (to Margaret, who is sobbing on Robin's

ROBbreast), it's all right now.

ROBBirmingham, you know—Birmingham—

MAR(sobbing).

MARIt's Ba—Ba—Basingstoke!

ROBBasingstoke!  Of course it is—Basingstoke.

MARThen make it so!

ROBThere, there—it's all right—he's married you

now—that is, I've married you (turning to Despard)—I say, which

ROBof us has married her?

DESOh, I've married her.

(aside).

ROBOh, I'm glad of that.

ROB(To Margaret)  Yes,

ROBhe's married you now (passing her over to Despard), and anything

ROBmore disreputable than my conduct seems to have been I've never

ROBeven heard of.

ROBBut my mind is made up—I will defy my ancestors.

ROBI will refuse to obey their behests, thus, by courting death,

ROBatone in some degree for the infamy of my career!

MARI knew it—I knew it—God bless

MARyou—(Hysterically).

DESBasingstoke!

MARBasingstoke it is!  (Recovers herself)

PATTER-TRIOROBIN, DESPARD, and MARGARET.

ROBMy eyes are fully open to my awful situation—

ROBI shall go at once to Roderic and make him an oration.

ROBI shall tell him I've recovered my forgotten moral senses,

ROBAnd I don't care twopence-halfpenny for any consequences.

ROBNow I do not want to perish by the sword or by the dagger,

ROBBut a martyr may indulge a little pardonable swagger,

ROBAnd a word or two of compliment my vanity would flatter,

ROBBut I've got to die tomorrow, so it really doesn't matter!

DESSo it really doesn't matter—

MARSo it really doesn't matter—

ALLSo it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!

MARIf were not a little mad and generally silly

MARI should give you my advice upon the subject, willy-nilly;

MARI should show you in a moment how to grapple with the

MARquestion,

MARAnd you'd really be astonished at the force of my

MARsuggestion.

MAROn the subject I shall write you a most valuable letter,

MARFull of excellent suggestions when I feel a little better,

MARBut at present I'm afraid I am as mad as any hatter,

MARSo I'll keep 'em to myself, for my opinion doesn't matter!

DESHer opinion doesn't matter—

ROBHer opinion doesn't matter—

ALLHer opinion doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter,

ALLmatter!

DESIf I had been so lucky as to have a steady brother

DESWho could talk to me as we are talking now to one another—

DESWho could give me good advice when he discovered I was

DESerring

DES(Which is just the very favour which on you I am

DESconferring),

DESMy story would have made a rather interesting idyll,

DESAnd I might have lived and died a very decent indiwiddle.

DESThis particularly rapid, unintelligible patter

DESIsn't generally heard, and if it is it doesn't matter!

ROBIf it is it doesn't matter—

MARIf it is it doesn't matter—

ALLIf it is it doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter,

ALLmatter!

Exeunt Despard and Margaret

Enter Adam

ALLADAM (guiltily).

ALLMaster—the deed is done!

ROBWhat deed?

ADAMShe is here—alone, unprotected—

ROBWho?

ADAMThe maiden.

ADAMI've carried her off—I had a hard task,

ADAMfor she fought like a tiger-cat!

ROBGreat heaven, I had forgotten her!  I had hoped to

ROBhave died unspotted by crime, but I am foiled again—and by a

ROBtiger-cat!  Produce her—and leave us!

Adam introduces Dame Hannah, very much excited, and exits

ROBDame Hannah!  This is—this is not what I expected.

HANWell, sir, and what would you with me?  Oh, you have

HANbegun bravely—bravely indeed!  Unappalled by the calm dignity of

HANblameless womanhood, your minion has torn me from my spotless

HANhome, and dragged me, blindfold and shrieking, through hedges,

HANover stiles, and across a very difficult country, and left me,

HANhelpless and trembling, at your mercy!  Yet not helpless, coward

HANsir, for approach one step—nay, but the twentieth part of one

HANpoor inch—and this poniard (produces a very small dagger) shall

HANteach ye what it is to lay unholy hands on old Stephen Trusty's

HANdaughter!

ROBMadam, I am extremely sorry for this.

ROBIt is not at

ROBall what I intended—anything more correct—more deeply

ROBrespectful than my intentions towards you, it would be impossible

ROBfor any one—however particular—to desire.

HANBah, I am not to be tricked by smooth words,

HANhypocrite!  But be warned in time, for there are, without, a

HANhundred gallant hearts whose trusty blades would hack him limb

HANfrom limb who dared to lay unholy hands on old Stephen Trusty's

HANdaughter!

ROBAnd this is what it is to embark upon a career of

ROBunlicensed pleasure!

ROB(Dame Hannah, who has taken a formidable dagger from one of the

armed figures, throws her small dagger to Robin)

HANHarkye, miscreant, you have secured me, and I am your

HANpoor prisoner; but if you think I cannot take care of myself you

HANare very much mistaken.

HANNow then, it's one to one, and let the

HANbest man win!

Making for him

ROB(in an agony of terror).

ROBDon't! don't look at me like

ROBthat!  I can't bear it!  Roderic!  Uncle!  Save me!

(Sir Roderic enters, from his picture.

ROBHe comes down the stage)

RODWhat is the matter?  Have you carried her off?

ROBI have—she is there—look at her—she terrifies me!

ROD(looking at Hannah).

RODLittle Nannikin!

HAN(amazed).

HANRoddy-doddy!

RODMy own old love!  Why, how came you here?

HANThis brute—he carried me off!  Bodily!  But I'll show

HANhim!  (about to rush at Robin).

RODStop!  (To Rob)  What do you mean by carrying off

RODthis lady?  Are you aware that once upon a time she was engaged

RODto be married to me?  I'm very angry—very angry indeed.

ROBNow I hope this will be a lesson to you in future not

ROBto—

RODHold your tongue, sir.

ROBYes, uncle.

RODHave you given him any encouragement?

HAN(to Rob).

HANHave I given you any encouragement?

HANFrankly now, have I?

ROBNo.

ROBFrankly, you have not.

ROBAnything more

ROBscrupulously correct than your conduct, it would be impossible to

ROBdesire.

RODYou go away.

ROBYes, uncle.

Exit Robin

RODThis is a strange meeting after so many years!

HANVery.

HANI thought you were dead.

RODI am.

RODI died ten years ago.

HANAnd are you pretty comfortable?

RODPretty well—that is—yes, pretty well.

HANYou don't deserve to be, for I loved you all the

HANwhile, dear; and it made me dreadfully unhappy to hear of all

HANyour goings-on, you bad, bad boy!

HANNAHThere grew a little flower

HANNAH'Neath a great oak tree:

HANNAHWhen the tempest 'gan to lower

HANNAHLittle heeded she:

HANNAHNo need had she to cower,

HANNAHFor she dreaded not its power—

HANNAHShe was happy in the bower

HANNAHOf her great oak tree!

HANNAHSing hey,

HANNAHLackaday!

Let the tears fall free

HANNAHFor the pretty little flower

HANNAHAnd the great oak tree!

BOTHSing hey,

BOTHLackaday! etc.

BOTHWhen she found that he was fickle,

BOTHWas that great oak tree,

BOTHShe was in a pretty pickle,

BOTHAs she well might be—

BOTHBut his gallantries were mickle,

BOTHFor Death followed with his sickle,

BOTHAnd her tears began to trickle

BOTHFor her great oak tree!

BOTHSing hey,

BOTHLackaday! etc.

BOTHSing hey,

BOTHLackaday! etc.

BOTHSaid she, "He loved me never,

BOTHDid that great oak tree,

BOTHBut I'm neither rich nor clever,

BOTHAnd so why should he?

BOTHBut though fate our fortunes sever,

BOTHTo be constant I'll endeavour,

BOTHAye, for ever and for ever,

BOTHTo my great oak tree!'

BOTHSing hey,

BOTHLackaday! etc.

BOTHSing hey,

BOTHLackaday! etc.

Falls weeping on Sir Roderic's bosom

(Enter Robin, excitedly, followed by all the characters and Chorus

BOTHof Bridesmaids)

ROBStop a bit—both of you.

RODThis intrusion is unmannerly.

HANI'm surprised at you.

ROBI can't stop to apologize—an idea has just occurred

ROBto me.

ROBA Baronet of Ruddigore can only die through refusing to

ROBcommit his daily crime.

RODNo doubt.

ROBTherefore, to refuse to commit a daily crime is

ROBtantamount to suicide!

RODIt would seem so.

ROBBut suicide is, itself, a crime—and so, by your own

ROBshowing, you ought never to have died at all!

SYSTEMI see—I understand!  Then I'm practically alive!

ROBUndoubtedly!  (Sir Roderic embraces Dame Hannah)  Rose,

ROBwhen you believed that I was a simple farmer, I believe you loved

ROBme?

ROSEMadly, passionately!

ROBBut when I became a bad baronet, you very properly

ROBloved Richard instead?

ROSEPassionately, madly!

But if I should turn out not to be a bad baronet after

ROBall, how would you love me then?

ROSEMadly, passionately!

ROBAs before?

ROSEWhy, of course.

ROBMy darling!  (They embrace)

RICHHere, I say, belay!

ROSEOh, sir, belay, if it's absolutely necessary!

ROBBelay?  Certainly not!

ROBHaving been a wicked baronet a week

ROBOnce again a modest livelihood I seek.

ROBAgricultural employment

ROBIs to me a keen enjoyment,

ROBFor I'm naturally diffident and meek!

ROSEWhen a man has been a naughty baronet,

ROSEAnd expresses deep repentance and regret,

ROSEYou should help him, if you're able,

ROSELike the mousie in the fable,

ROSEThat's the teaching of my Book of Etiquette.

CHORUSThat's the teaching in her Book of Etiquette.

RICHIf you ask me why I do not pipe my eye,

RICHLike an honest British sailor, I reply,

RICHThat with Zorah for my missis,

There'll be bread and cheese and kisses,

RICHWhich is just the sort of ration I enjye!

CHORUSWhich is just the sort of ration you enjye!

DESand MAR.

DESPrompted by a keen desire to evoke

DESAll the blessed calm of matrimony's yoke,

DESWe shall toddle off tomorrow,

DESFrom this scene of sin and sorrow,

DESFor to settle in the town of Basingstoke!

ALLFor happy the lily

ALLThat's kissed by the bee;

ALLAnd, sipping tranquilly,

ALLQuite happy is he;

ALLAnd happy the filly

ALLThat neighs in her pride;

ALLBut happier than any,

ALLA pound to a penny,

ALLA lover is, when he

ALLEmbraces his bride!